Guilt. Bitterness. Anger.

by Nancy
(PA)

Hi, I really don’t have a choice being the caregiver for my father. I’m an only child. I didn’t like what I saw growing up so I never wanted to get married or have kids. I didn’t get abused or anything but if anyone is from an Italian family then you know the women worship the men and wait on them hand and foot. My mother even used to cut up his meat and iron his underwear.


So when this was all I saw,I swore I would never do that. Needless to say my other and I didn’t get along.

She was also VERY controlling and always putting me down and accusing me of wrong doing. If I went out with my friend Judy more than once a week I would get “What, are you a lesbian?" If I saw my boyfriend more than once on the weekend “What, are you a whore?”.

My grandmother was an ever loving nightmare as well. She controlled my mother and everything we did was for her. Now, she wasn’t one of those kindly grandmothers either. Let me just say since my grandfather died in 1977, we didn’t have one meal in or out or one day trip or vacation without her.

She made our lives about her. My father gave up and figured someday they would have time alone. He would stand up for me once and awhile but I swear secretly he liked she was the bad guy so he didn’t have to be.

My father got me to stay home for college by threatening he wouldn’t help me. So because I was so put down I had (have) no confidence, I stayed. Since I never got married, I stayed.

No point in paying for rent just to sit and watch tv when I could do that at home and save money. I know, big mistake.

In any case, my mother did everything for us and made is dependent on her. She used to taunt us about how we were “in for it” when she dies. She actually laughed with glee.

So guess what happens? She dies about 16 years ago, leaves her mother for us to take care of, and the child who never was allowed to gain confidence at decision making or
grew up emotionally, is now stuck taking care of everything!

Since my mother’s death, my father has been in the hospital three times. He doesn’t even know how to write out a check. AND with his arthritis, I’m cutting his meat!

He told me since I was a kid that he was so glad I was a girl because girls never leave you. Plus, oh everything they have is for me. Yadda yadda.

I know it’s stupid, but I feel like I was tricked. He won’t even call I his prescriptions.

I’ve become my mother. Am I am 52 still waiting for my life to start. I know staying here was my choice but I believed what I was told and put my life on the back burner.

The best part? I a NOT a caretaker! I became a medical technologist and worked in a private lab so I would not have to deal with patients.

Give me blood, crap, and urine, but after it’s come out of someone.lol. I feel guilty because I love my father and we always got along, but I feel tricked and trapped.

I had a boyfriend from England and when we split up he said he knew I would leave. I can’t even get a dog. Oh, he doesn’t deny me, but his hands are so bad that he can’t tuck his shirt into his pants or even close and fold a McDonald's bag.

So, I’m going to leave him a dog? I feel that I avoid those responsibilities that would turn me into my mother and I could have a life.

She really did have the last laugh.

I hate this so much. It’s only going to get worse and I will have wasted my whole life. The thing is if it were my mother that was left, she was like an Amazon. Her side of the family lives into their 90s, but she smoked.

I would never be able to live with her nor would I need to. Life sucks. I still feel like a 14 year old waiting for “Someday “.

It’s not going to happen. My father totally expected me to do this and what choice do I have. Oh, and I lost my job.

So there you have it. Guiltless. Bitterness. Anger.

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Bless you
by: Cindy

You're not alone. You've been more than any daughter should be expected to be. I don't understand this generation of parents that just will not let go of their (now middle-aged and beyond) children.

My own parents were unable to let go and it has ruined my brother's life. He's an alcoholic and emotional cripple. I did manage to marry and have children but they still clung to me. I'm now still caring for my 92 year old mother and I understand all of your feelings. Bless you.

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