Granddaughter, not Resenting, Exactly...well, Here's My Story

by Sanya
(India)

Okay, so I need a lot of time to read everything here. But I liked titles of 2 posts, granddaughter "Not resenting".

Here's my story:
My grandmother, 86 has always lived with us.My mother is the youngest and it's just us to take care of her since last 12 years.
She's got Alzheimer's now and is in bed always. She gets restless in night. Even as I write, she's getting up, and saying all sorts of things. My mother can't even sleep properly. Since the last 2 years, she's been transferred to a far off place. Plus, I have moved out for higher studies.

But none of her siblings would take gran. Despite all our difficulties it's just us.

The son and daughter-in-law would say, my mom can only clean all gran's with so much love. Only mom can handle all the bed wetting and other accidents, etc. Even if they keep the nurse to take care of her, personal care wont be there.

Older aunt, is herself, nearly 70 and hence the excuse.....(you got it, right?)But she wont stop with her advice or visits. Another aunt, stays away but she won't even keep her. But gran always says take me to her place.

I mean we could be so happy and contented to do what we do, only if gran could be a little more loving to us. If she would be happy staying with us.She has no other option anyways! I know gran loves us a lot, but in her brain condition, where she knows nothing, why does she say this!

Earlier there was anger, that we do (mom mostly)but why can't we be the happy family, why even mention siblings who do nothing, visit, and advice and make our life hell!!!

But with time, I have got absolutely used to it. Learned to forgive gran...This is something we can't change, craving for her sole attention because we deserve it. We love her, care for her. Ma used to do everything......
Now we have two women to help, one just in the day. Even then, outsiders won't ever care the way we would.

But caring always also makes us mad.

I get angry that when they get money why can't they be sincere in their work!!! And getting someone is also not easy. Last few months we didn't have. Mom had to take care since evening all alone. I try to visit in weekends and whenever I can. But somehow, somewhere it's a lot of stress for Mom, and I feel sad I am unable to do anything.

But as I have kept myself away, now whenever I am with gran, I feel love, forgiveness.I don't lose my temper anymore.

She doesn't even listen properly and now won't even on put her hearing aid. She's there but then again you can't talk to her, she won't understand, and.........its all very complicated.
With the job so far away now, Mom can't even move there, as we are close to the best hospital...here.

Mom is 53, and its very stressing. She's getting old too.The helps are so incapable at times, that mom would go n do the work!

Gran stays dull as such, do we try to have some normal activity and not give her sleeping pills. But as she can't even know her need to go to washroom, its a constant fear.....Always using diapers isn't easy either, the way gran gets restless with anything alien. At night, or when we are very tired, and she keeps saying just anything, just like that yelling at times, we get angry.....

I don't want anybody to take gran but want things to better. I also want mom to be happy n peaceful......The worst thing is gran says lines in between as if she's all alone, on the street or something, nobody to look after her

I want her to know she's well taken care of. Her daughter and granddaughter are there for her, and look after her. All are saying I should let gran pass away, like I am mentally blocking her....She's suffering so much.....I have now after so long tried to.....but, I want her to be peaceful and live easily as long as she's alive......not to trouble a lot, so that taking care of her becomes easy.

Another point is that gran is there so mom has such an active engagement, no time for herself....but at least a human is there....even though she doesn't understand anything,...if she won't be there, won't mom really go mad with loneliness?and the sudden vacuum ??

Well....guess I blabbed a LOT....what do you have to say!! First, thing I would say is thanks to anyone who had patience to read it all!!

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REPLY to Anonymous2
by: Sanya

Thanks.........a lot for reading my long, long story. Your words were very soothing....It's so strange that someone who doesn't even know me could understand me more than people around us do.

Yes, it's very hard to see gran n mom this way

Your words are just so true.I completely agree with you. There's no other way than to forgive.

Yes, my mum can tell me things she can't tell others. Others just either give advice how things should be done, or say OMG, you have kept her so well.....and after that something or the other goes wrong.....So, we have stopped telling anyone about any of her 1 second recoveries. Those little moments, where she's a little better gives us happiness but then she goes back to the same stage.

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Heartbreaking!
by: Anonymous

It must be really hard for you to see your grandma this way, and to see your mum beng worn out giving her care without any gratitude or respect.

Your Grandma's illness makes her behave the way she does, the lady you love and remember is no longer in control and she isn't treating you badly on purpose. It's good that you have found a way to forgive her and I hope that allows you some peace.

There isn't anything more you can do, but stay strong and be there when your mum wants to talk, she may be able to tell you things that she cannot say to others.

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Reply to Anonymous
by: Sanya

Hey, hi....thanks for commenting on my story....

I know....I know....mom's suffering just too much......but then there's this guilt and conscience.......we can't want to leave her.

At such an old age, when she's about to leave the world....she'd never want all the injections....piercings...... catheter....nasal feeding, etc. etc....

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Too Much Stress!
by: Anonymous

From reading all your words, I would say to you that it is time to for your Gran to go into care. I used to work in nursing homes and I know that a patient with late stage Alzheimer's is extremely difficult for a team of nurses to care for and impossible for one.

Your mom must be suffering so much, more than she is probably telling you. I tried to care for my own mother in her home and could only last two months. I am your mother's age so I know.

Without a facility to look after your Gran, she can hurt herself or not get the proper medical care she needs. She would be more settled in care. Your mother could get her life back....it's time.

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