Going mad!

by Leasa

When my dad passed away 17 years ago, we moved my mom into a granny flat on our farm. I always walked on egg shells around my mom and always tried to please her. She is 73 and I'm now 52.

She has always had a problem with alcohol and unless I was doing exactly what she wanted, she never liked me, even as a small child. I have two older brothers who she absolutely adores. I looked after everything my mom could possibly want making sure she was always comfortable, including buying her things like TV's, appliances etc. etc. 5 months ago she became very ill.

She has cancer and a rare disease that took her mobility away. She was in hospital for two months and I was there every single day. She begged me to take her home and I did, even going against the doctor's wishes. She had temper tantrums and was threatening to sign herself out. She was totally bed ridden and to get her up I had to use a hoist (along with her 74 year old boyfriend). She resumed drinking and started smoking 2 packs a day.

I gave her 4 to 5 hours of solid care a day and cleaned her house. I arranged everything. We had some in home help but only 2 hours a day.

Her boyfriend was verbally abusive to me, as was mom when things didn't go her way. My brothers in the two months I had her at home, visited only 3 times each. Because of mom's drinking she lost control of her bowels in the mornings and I had to clean that up as well.

I bed bathed her, massaged her, did it all. I gave her a great Christmas. Then she got very ill and fought going back into the hospital. She almost died. I could not take any more and told her I couldn't have her home, her care was far too much. Her boyfriend was exhausted as well.

Today, she is very angry with me for putting her back in hospital and for not continuing the care. When I go to visit she tells me to 'get the hell out' and refuses to speak to me. But she visits with my brothers and her boyfriend. I turned my life upside down for her and gave the best I had to give, now in her eyes, I'm lower than a piece of crap. My heart hurts.

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On Going...
by: Leasa

She is now speaking to me. This made me feel much better. My brothers are at a loss and understand totally why I can't bring mom back home. Her boyfriend is finally getting rested and he's looking better.

Mom is still in ICU as they have problems getting her heart rate controlled. She was getting confused and shaking terribly but the doctor said it was probably due to alcohol withdrawal.

She still cannot understand why we can't bring her home, she said her care was easy and when she brings up the subject she quickly gets very angry.

I do love my mom. She was steady and provided good meals and a home, even with the other problems we had when I was a child.

The doctors and nurses were shocked that we were caring for her at home in her condition, not being able to walk and all the other problems she has.

I do feel guilty. I right now can't visit her often and have to keep the visits short because she really lays it on that she should be home with us caring for her. Her care at home took over my life and all my work got so far behind and it was so nerve racking trying to keep things organized for her all the time.

The tension when she was home was huge and both her and her boyfriend were miserable and he was getting very verbally abusive. Mom was also snapping at me often. It was a miserable place and the demands were huge. I was exhausted and still am because I am losing sleep over her. I go from resentment to totally feeling so sorry for her. I think about her every minute of every day.

How does one get through this and keep their sanity? Over the years her selfishness at times was over whelming.

These yo-yo emotions and feelings are tough.

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