Gab...

by Gabrielle
(Sydney, Australia)

Exactly the above...I have trawled the internet. And finally found something that says what's happening..


My life has been put on hold for the last 5 years..

I loved my mother dearly...and nursed her through her death last year.

Now, I am looking after my father..my daughter hates me because I spend so much time looking after him ,not her...my youth is gone..I will have no chance of getting a job after all this is over...

I have no money saved...and 5 siblings either criticize or totally have nothing to do with the whole situation.

Honestly...I feel like striking a match and burning the whole house down with me and dad in it...

Even had the nurse round this morning admiring the spread sheet my sister had drawn up....
Great ..except you can print out all the spreadsheets you like....someone still has to actually clean bottoms..empty wee bottles..spoon feed...give tablets...encourage patient...dress and clean..nurse for god sake...

Finally a forum ?...and it's under anger....
I'm done ....where's the matches...

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Hi Leasa!!
by: Anonymous

Hi Leasa, so glad to see you're still with us, telling us to please take care of ourselves. Hindsight is always helpful when it doesn't have to be our own mistakes but instead is the advice of others who have been there, done that.

I've been living in my mom's home going on year number four. I've been up and down and all around trying to find ground to stand on, and I'm now able to find plateaus to rest on as the phases of her life unfold, whatever that brings!

I've finally separated from all the unresolved emotional mother-daughter relationship crap that I've had to plow through over the last years. The conclusion I've come to is, It Is What It Is and I'm done trying to figure everything out.

I exist too, just as much as she does. I have a life too just as much as she does. And when the time comes to bring in the professionals, in whatever capacity is needed, I will do that, too.

I hurt for these people who have so much on their plate and they are in so deep they can't find their way out. I notice this website has changed it's format, it's fancier and bigger, showing just what an epidemic this is out there.

My only advice is don't go under, because as Leasa says, as soon as you are completely destroyed, someone WILL take your place. It's like those drowning victims who will climb on top of your head and float on your lifeless body to the shore.

It's the age-old advice, take care of the caretaker, and that Be You!

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I Hear You
by: Anonymous

I Hear You -- similar situation, older sibling who does nothing, and yet his "awards and accolades" (so glad he has the option to work at his career - I don't) are celebrated by my dad.

When I hear my dad say my brother has "Plans to do this or that..." I think, wow how nice to be able to make plans. I can't. So anyway - I hear you. Hang in there.

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Gab
by: kaypasa

My dear, you need to get some help for yourself. I do understand the anger and resentment, believe me.

I've been caring for my mom on my own for several years. My brother and sister live their own lives. My brother will help if I ask, but doesn't seem to notice unless I bring it to his attention that I could use some assistance.

I know how frustrating it can be, however, you need to think about taking some time away. I don't know what your finances are like, but if at all possible, can you get someone in once a week to relieve you?

Do you have a church that you go to? Perhaps a gentleman from there would agree to sit with your dad for a few hours while you take a breather.

Maybe a respite care facility. A support group could be helpful and your area agency on aging may have some ideas for you.

Or maybe, if you went to your siblings and explained how you're feeling (which I know will be difficult) one of them may step up to take on some of the responsibility, even if for only a few hours a week. My very best wishes are with you.

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Think Before 'Burning'.
by: Leasa

Your daughter is absolutely right. Where is it written that one child must sacrifice their entire life to elderly parents? I promise you, if you stepped back, even a bit...someone would fill your spot.

Nobody loves a martyr. Don't be one. If your dad requires all the care you say and you must do it...it's high time for Dad to go to a home where they have entire staff teams to do this work.

Go visit dad there, take him treats...buy him a few nice gifts...But you DON'T have to feed and change diapers and stop being a mom to your own daughter.

I have it in my will that my children are not allowed to be my care provider.

Stand back, take a breath and see it is for what it really is. Hug your daughter.

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