Fury and Frustration...and Guilt

by Anonymous

My mother is 80. She was living alone after my dad died, but we realised she wasn't looking after herself properly, and found her a place in a facility for Dementia and Alzheimer's patients.


She now has 24hr medical care, though she's still mobile and alert. Alert...that's the problem.

Since we moved her into this facility, she has turned into a monster. She has a phone (no airtime), which she uses to send messages to us to phone her, usually several times a day.

When we do, she has a fight ready - it began with not wanting to live there as she refuses to believe she is incapable of caring for herself.

Within a year it became about a rash on her legs, which she attributed to bedbugs (never proven), which she used as ammunition to not want to live there, and over which she causes such a fiasco it cost us money!

We eventually got her diagnosed correctly and the rash disappeared, but she's still adamant about not wanting to live there. She refuses to listen when we tell her we cannot afford a different facility with the same level of care.

It has got to the point where both my sister and I put the phone down in her ear as soon as she starts in (which is usually immediately after "Hello, how are you?").

My brothers do not help with emotional support (they help financially). She only ever contacts my sister or me. We now do not phone when she asks. She is near-hysterical about wanting to leave, and my sister, who lives nearby and visits once a week, is burnt out and at her wits' end.

I no longer phone often, and when I do it ends in yelling and and putting the phone down in her ear. We need help! How do we get her to understand and accept that a) shes there to stay, and b) there is nothing wrong with the place, and c) we're doing it because we care!

The less contact she gets the more she believes we've abandoned her, but if I thought we would have a pleasant conversation, I'd phone as often as I could.

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Excessively needy dementia client sucks my energy
by: Patty - Ashland, OR

I am a caregiver with a 93 year old female client who is excessively needy. I can't go to the bathroom without her calling out for me, or make her lunch or take out her trash without her calling for coming to find me.

She said she wants me to stay, she'll never let me go. I'm ready to quit. I need the job so I have stayed this far. Her family was surprised when I told them this.
Help!!

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Hope this helps
by: Anonymous

I have made a special trip to respond to your post. I have been caring for my 86 year old mother and moved into her house 3 years ago.

My mother has dementia and I am her POA - she too did not care for herself properly (although she thought she did, and she feels she can now). My mother has had 6 major hospitalizations, all as a result of the care she did not give herself.

My mother has kicked and screamed against the care I was giving her for 3 years. She progressed to accuse me of stealing from her. You see, my mother loses things - and she lost or misplaced her debit card, my mother accused me of stealing it, so off to the bank she went.

She told the bank that I have been taking money from her account and she wanted a new card - can you imagine? My mother called her TV provider and tells them she wants it disconnected because she did not authorize for this and she said "her daughter" stole her debit card without her permission, when I kept her involved in the whole process, she was even present as the installer was installing the TV service.

I believe my mother is embarrassed to admit that her mental state is diminishing, so she blames everything on me.

I have tried for 3 years to make my mother happy and comfortable - waiting on her hand and foot, my mother has gained much of her independence back as a result of the good care she has received by me, her daughter, but I have come to the conclusion that nothing, nothing I do will ever make her happy - she is just an unhappy person - a person filled with guilt.

I have 6 other siblings and she tries to play us against each other, purposely. Luckily, I have 6 wonderful siblings and they, as well as I, are on to her - so we deal with it.

Anyway, things were becoming so bad (and my post here is not the half of it), I did consult with my mother's doctor and we did put my mother on a mood stabilizer - Zoloft. I am not advocating medications as only a doctor can prescribe, but this has worked wonders for my mother - it has calmed her way down.

The antidepressant my mother was on, did not help, she needed a mood stabilizer. My mother is not aware I am giving her the mood stabilizer, if she did, of course she would not take it and she would be irate.

My siblings are aware and I ask them to let me know if they notice any difference in her; everyone has noticed a change for the good.

Besides my being so unhappy with the situation these 3 years, I found my mother must be miserable existing in the mental state she was in.

She is now happier and much more peaceful. She still has personality traits that are conflicting, but one has to be flexible and accepting in some areas. Life is much better for me and for my mother. Hope this helps you find some answers and support.

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Not your fault....time to set limits
by: Anonymous

Two words.....Antianxiety Medication.

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Crazy
by: Anonymous

Two words.....Antianxiety Medication.

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