Frustration and Exhaustion

by Vicki
(Pennsylvania)

My husband and I have recently taken over care of his 88 year old mother who has early stage dementia and is a fall risk. We both have health issues of our own and we are nearing exhaustion and it has been only 2 weeks since she moved in with us.


She as fallen already once and can not get up and move around without our help. The hourly trips to the bathroom are totally taking away any normalcy in our lives. I have been hinting to my husband that she needs to be somewhere where she can get the proper care she needs.

He feels guilty because she says that she never wants to go to a nursing home but if we do not do something we both are going to end up with our own issues. He is diabetic and his glucose levels have not been under 200 since she moved in and my blood pressure is already 140/95 even taking my medication. I really feel helpless!

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Time to look into a Assisted Living Center
by: Giselle

I read your post and just have to tell you that if in two weeks time you already feel this spent and both you and your husband have your own health issues, you need to start calling some assisted living facilities in your area.

You need to be frank with your husband as his decision is affecting both of your lives and longevity. Don't be afraid to speak your mind.

It's very important to know your limitations and if you feel overwhelmed with the care level needed it is time to get some much needed help.

The feelings of guilt are always going to tug at your heartstrings when it comes to your Mom or Dad, but you have to understand that we are not trained professionals and there does come a point in time when what help you are providing is actually detrimental to your loved one.

Don't wait like we did. Speak up now and change your situation. He can go and visit her daily if he wants to but if she is a fall risk things can turn deadly in a blink of an eye.
God Bless You Both.

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Welcome to the Hotel California!
by: Anonymous

When I read the title to your entry, Frustration and Exhaustion, I figured you had been caregiving for years and had finally reached the end of your rope. Then I read that mom has only been with you for two weeks! The first thought in my head was Oh My God, these poor people.

She is already taking you down.

I've been living with my mom in her house for over a year now and I sure wish I had done it differently.

I sympathize with you. A lot of the entries say that the parent, usually the mother, has stated loud and clear that she does not want to go into a nursing home or any kind of assisted living. And there we are, goodhearted children, left holding the bag. Because who in their right mind, wants that guilt trip looming over them for the rest of their lives.

My mom has said the same words many times. The funny thing is, she has a way of turning it around, so that in her mind, she is giving ME a place to live. She is taking care of ME. She asks me, if I wasn't living here, where would I go?

As if I haven't been living on my own for the previous 35 years doing just fine. She has a very hard time accepting the fact that I have given up my life for her. So not only do I give up my life, I also have to live with her perception that I'm living here out of her graciousness to provide me with a home!

It's a crazy-making reality. And so many of us are living it.

I have no advice for you, just sympathy and empathy. Try to maintain your health and even that is lame advice because the stress is slowly killing us.

Like it says in the song....you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Sorry to end on a bummer note. Some days I have no words. If I could, I'd reach out and give you a hug.

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