Frustrating. Leasa

by Leasa
(Canada)

When my mother was so terribly ill and I had such an enormous burden on my shoulders, I found this site and it was good to unburden and let go. It was a difficult journey, that almost did me in personally. Although I didn't get responses at the time when I was asking for help, it was still good to let it out. I did however check every day for in hope that someone heard me.

My mom died last spring. She died knowing I loved her very much. We got through it together. I was with her when she passed. And, we made it without me sacrificing my home and family.

We shared the tears and I was there for her every single day, but not so much that my family was abandoned in the process. When I was her full time care giver at home, we had so few resources that after two months I was totally exhausted and at the end of my capability. She was becoming sicker and sicker at home and beginning to suffer.

I miss her terribly. But I feel I did right by her, while also doing right by my family.

I had to have a dose of reality shoved in my face to realize what I was doing to myself and family and I had to make some very hard decisions. Oh how much easier it would have been had I had advice from someone who had been there, done that!

So, after mom died I did devote some time to this site based on my experiences to actually answer some of the letters that get posted here. Most of the time I am the only one to do so.

There is a person who reads these letters, who feels that God will take care of everything and that people should be willing to give up their entire lives to care for elderly parents no matter what the circumstance of their childhood or situation now. God will do it.

This person has accused me of being 'mean spirited' if I talk about the situation in real time and address what the person has said is really happening. God will do it and reality has no place here. Didn't God give us brains and 'free will'? I guess not.

I find it sad that this same person who attacks me, does not ever write to offer real solutions to these poor people who need so much help. I find it sad that so many letters go unanswered. The writer then feels no one cares. Like I did.

Also, I never tell people what to do, but offer possible solutions as any friend would do.

I do not need to put this effort forth only to be insulted and have the bible thumped at me. I'm sorry, but I don't feel right at this moment that I will be responding to any more letters. It's not because I don't care....but I just can't leave my experience and reality out of the situation.
Good luck to all. Take care. Leasa
EDITORS NOTE: Leasa, we here at boomers with elderly parents and in home care ideas for mom have been very grateful for your support and contributions....we read with interest all of your writings and are very thankful you have stayed to contribute. Please stay on and help all of us through the act of caregiving for our parents...

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Leasa
by: Anonymous

Trust me when I say, your story matters. I read on here all the time looking for some answers to the very hard task of caregiving a parent.

If I hear one more time that "god will help me", well, lets just say god doesn't change the depends, or clean up puke, or repeat the same answer to the same question every day. I do...your experience matters.

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Thanks, Leasa.
by: Anonymous

I want to thank you for all your advice and support. If you need to get away from this website for a while or forever, I would certainly understand.

You took your journey through to the end and you have helped me with mine. I'm the one who told you that "nurses have a way of slapping us up the side of the head, and tell us to get up, and get going".

I believe in God, and I believe God is with me every step of my way. I believe he guides me, but like you, I believe he gave us free will to make choices. If we didn't have free will, what would be the point of being on earth? Life isn't that simple.

We have hard decisions to make in caregiving. It's a daily learning experience. And there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

There are a lot of entries here that go unanswered. But sometimes just writing an entry or reading one is a huge relief in itself. This website is a blessing to me. I look at it every morning and I'm amazed at the amount of people out there in similar situations.

You go girl! and enjoy your time, you've earned it. The ironic thing is you wouldn't had been able to enjoy it, if you hadn't earned it.

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Frustrating, Lease
by: Gloris

Dear Leasa,
You answered my letters and I was so glad that someone out there had shared a similar experience, I would write under the title `misery of old age`.

Like yourself I went though this very difficult journey and mine lasted for three years towards the end it became worse and I felt trapped and my whole life seemed to revolve around my mother.

My mother died last November but towards the end of her life she did not know me and I felt very saddened, and `yes` there were those feeling of guilt `had I done enough`. It is all very well for whoever it was that wrote to you about Gods will,and that we should do our duty by our parents no matter what far easier said than done.

There are so many people out there that need a website like this, and you are a good kind hearted woman who understands the difficulties and frustrations placed upon carers, even though they are our parents and we do love them we also are only human, and for the most part we do our best.

So, I hope you will carry on reading and replying to all those people who write in, you did for me and I thank you, you never judged and you were always sympathetic, in fact you could say that you were doing Gods work, by caring for other.

SO CARRY ON LEASA.

Gloria

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