Frustrated and Feeling Guilty
My mother came to live with me and my husband 9 months ago. She was suffering from severe depression and dementia. I was able to get her to a neurologist and a new primary doctor. She is on medications.
Before coming to live with us, she was still living with my Dad, whom is a little older than she, but able to care for himself. He has some problems with hoarding and with Mom losing so much weight that it scared us all, she had to leave that situation...all doctors agree that she has improved so much since coming here, and she should continue.
I am the only girl in a family of 3 boys, and they all say,since I am female, I am the only one that could possibly help her. There are times that I am so tired and stressed...caring for my Mother is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job. They do not understand at all...I have asked for help from those living close by...for at least one day a month to sit with her or take her out, while we go out...I really could use one day a week for one of them to take her out or to simply visit their home while I can actually clean my house, and concentrate on it without having to stop constantly...sometimes in the middle of the night she gets up, searching for something that she has misplaced...she gets hungry again in the middle of the night, etc. So I am also sleep deprived.
I get angry...and I am frustrated. However, two of my siblings, send money occasionally to help out with expenses, and that is appreciated. Still, I would much rather have the ones nearby, to get more involved in caring for her. One of my siblings, has not even responded to my question about coming at least once a month....and I tell them all that I am concerned for Dad as I do not get to visit him often, or do anything for him...mom gets upset whenever we do go there, and now does not want to go at all.
I have asked my sibling that lives next to him, will you drive Dad over here at least once a week, to have dinner with us...no response. Very strange. Well, sometimes I have a lot of patience, and some days I do not. But I so know that I am grateful that she is not underweight any longer. She is in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's. It has been an adjusting period for us for sure.
I had gone without a car for three years, and right before we had to bring MOM here to live, I finally was able
to get one. I also had a job offer, but with her full time care, and not enough money to pay for in home care help, I am staying home with her full time. I guess sometimes I resent not being able to get back out there, as I had planned. And it is such a long process to go anywhere....while my brothers, come and go all day long as they please...but I have to stop myself and realize that this is the way it has to be....and if they don't want to get involved with mom's care, and cannot for once think about what it must be like for us, as a couple and want to give us a break at least once a month, then I should just realize they are ignorant or in denial...etc.
I am very tired as I write this, so I am probably not even making sense. But I am going to bed, I found her missing object in the back of her dresser drawer, so she is calm now. She is in bed, and hopefully will sleep the rest of the night. I am grateful that she is with me and not in a nursing home. Her mother passed away in one, and we visited her often. My Mother asked me one day while there, to please promise her I'd never put her in a place like that. I promised I would not. So I am just going to have to take one day at a time...but the saddest part is, they don't even come to visit her...period. The only time she sees them, is on her birthday, maybe Mother's Day and Christmas...every now and then Thanksgiving. And maybe one summer visit.
She really needs to see us all....they call every now and then. But it is like they are going on with their lives, which they make sure they tell me all about whenever they do call, how busy and hectic their lives are...etc. I try to tell them that my day never ends....but to them it's just a piece a cake...oh, and I am wondering if it is all my responsibility because I am the only girl...when is gonna be one of the boys responsibility to take care of Dad, cause he's one of them.
I guarantee you if he gets to the place that he cannot live alone anymore, they won't take him. I wish they would now. Because he is lonely, and he has hoarding tendencies...he won't let anyone declutter...he has to have "stuff" all around. My Mother couldn't take it. She now has a clean, bright, cheerful bedroom at least. Well, I do feel guilty about all my negative feelings..and I do pray.