Finding it hard to cope

by Natalie
(San Mateo, CA)

I was 46 when I married for the first time to a man 12 years my senior. After about five years of a great marriage and planning for retirement, having investments, real estate, nice home, good jobs, savings, trying to do everything right, our carefully choreographed retirement turned to dust.

In 2005, my husband's 86 year old mother, who had dementia, came to live with us. She stayed for three years, but needed an assisted living facility due to her memory loss and that we were working full time.

She would forget to turn off the stove and leave the garage doors wide open, and was too much of a risk to be left alone. She resented having to move, blamed me, and it impacted our marriage very much from that point forward.

Our investments began to lose value. My husband lost his job in 2007, and in 2009 I was laid off as well. Our own lives have turned into a financial disaster, all the while trying our best to recuperate from the many setbacks of this challenging economy. We continue managing Mother In Law's finances.

Her rent in assisted living has gone up to $2800/mo. It's paid from her savings and SS. She's exhausted most of her money and we are worried about her. She is 92 now. My husband is almost 69 with severe rheumatoid arthritis, working out of the home, but generating very little income.

I recently found a job a good job, but never did start it because my own 87 year old mother had a severe left-sided stroke the day before I was to begin my new job. I have been by her side at the hospital every day. She is recovering, but I am at a loss at what to do now when she comes home.

We are upside-down with our mortgage, almost ready to go into default after 15 years of no late payments, our savings are nearly depleted, my husband is worrying about his own mother's health, the bank won't give us a refinance or loan modification on the house, we have two 12 year old husky dogs with the onset of health problems that we cannot just get rid of, and my mother might need 24 hr care when she comes home.

I am the only one to care for her which would mean I cannot go back to full time work. She lives in a mobile home and I would have to live there with her, as I wouldn't want her to sell it, then we lose the house to foreclosure. I guess maybe the best option is divorce, go our separate ways, and take care of our mothers.

The relationship between my spouse and I has been very strained for such a long time now, in spite of our best efforts to resolve our problems.

I know he is very stressed and is drinking more, even while taking arthritis medications. I am to the point where I know some major decisions need to be made very very soon. I am finding it hard to function some days and just don’t know what to do. Thank you to all who have read my rant, but I need help badly.

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