Fighting For My Sanity
This week has had its usual ups and downs. Since my mom has lost a majority of her short term memory I have tried many things to help her with that. I have found that puts me in a position of remembering a lot of information.
I guess that thing that strikes me the most...first of all is how much she talks. I don't recall her doing this as a child. What I remember is days of silence when she would get upset with me about something.
Now...from the moment we walk into the kitchen in the morning until she finally falls asleep in her chair at night...she talks. She reads her mail to us...her recipe books...the newspaper...when she's riding in the car with us each place she sees prompts a certain memory which she retells as if we have never heard it before. A commercial will do the same thing.
Sometimes she'll ask a question, but you can't get a word in edgewise to answer it. I'm learning that many times she doesn't really want an answer. If she starts a conversation with me and I need to leave the room to finish something, she will continue talking from that room.
Secondly, she can't remember where she has put something. In her mind she does the same thing every single time so why isn't an item in the place she "always" puts it.
She actually thinks that sometimes I will on purpose hide something or move it as a joke. If she falls asleep in her chair and we're going to bed we wake her to let her know we're leaving the room. She immediately falls asleep and later she'll bring up how we just left her asleep in her chair.
It's like a mind game that she
doesn't know she's playing. It can make you question your own sanity!!
My sibling is more than willing to take my mom as I said, however, their spouse is not okay with that situation. They see more than my own family sees and they have been told by their sibling that they won't take care of their mom so that leaves this person taking care of two moms with no say?? Hardly fair!!
When she tried to talk to my sibling about it they got upset and said they couldn't believe their spouse wouldn't want mom living with them and that it was even a question.
As I read, I see many of you are dealing with the exact same thing and some even worse. My heart goes out to all of you.
I love my mom... really do...however, because of the way I grew up...that survival mode I lived in for so many years, I have detached myself from her. It's too late to change that because she hasn't changed...but I have.
I have moved on...healed...and have chosen to live differently. I pray that's true...sometimes I wonder if my kids see me and think, "Man...she's just like her mom." My mom has some good attributes, but they're mostly reserved for everybody else.
I often wonder what my reaction will be when she passes. I know I'll miss her...but I secretly wonder if it will be more of a relief/release. When my dad passed several years ago, I was able to let everything go...my unmet expectations of him and hopes that one day he would be different.
But...I do NOT want to walk away from that cemetery with, "I wish I hads". So for now, I will do my best to take the high road without compromising who I am.