Feeling very Overwhelmed and Guilty to feel the Way I do

by Rosina
(Phoenix, Arizona)

Not sure why I'm writing this to others who are in the same boat as I am but any rate. I do feel guilty to feel angry of the way I feel for someone who would has done nothing but good for me. I have now been put in a position to be the main care taker for my mother and I'm the youngest of three siblings, 45 years of age.

I do not have children a divorce has been bless through the grace of God to come through a many of near death experiences from my own health which I'm graciously thankful to God for etc. My dad who is now deceased asked us kids to take care of our mother if for some reason he is not around to do so etc.

My sister and I always felt we never wanted our mother to be in a home being taken care from others because of the horrible stories we've seen and heard that a lot of those places were. We have one brother who is there but not to the degree as we would be for our mother because he is not very stable and inpatient with lack of responsibility has a daughter of his own that he was not in her life etc.

Sister just got married to a man who lives in another state and his mother is still alive and lives around the corner from his own mother and so now my sister has moved away with her child (not child's dad)to help her husband mother and he has more siblings than our family some lives their in the state where he and my sister lives with a few living here in this town.

My resentment is from my sister leaving me behind to with my unstable brother to help take care of our mother after my dad has asked us to take care of our mother when he is gone etc. I feel hurt and betrayed because she was selfish and not wondered or even cared to ask how I
felt about all of this etc. I feel my sister was just happy with the ideal of a man wanting and asking her to marry him to look at the whole picture of things and not caring about anyone else but her own happiness etc. and seem to forgot my dad asked all of us children to be there for our mom etc. at least this is how I feel because of no communication from her etc.

I'm not currently working and my finances are not all that great and now the only one I'm able to depend on and hold onto is my Lord Jesus savior which is the only one who can help me or anyone of us in this situation. I have a life to; and dating a man who wants to marry me but now, I'm having to put my own life on hold which he has offered to help me take care of my mom but mom is almost a recluse and set in her own ways and do not like change etc.She I can tell get's hurt and say things like she can go in a home and I refuse to allow that because I do not like to feel guilty and feel I let my mom and dad down knowing they were always there for us kids etc.

I feel guilty for feeling this way but I'm human and grateful my mother is still alive and with us! I have to understand it's not all about me and do what I know God would prefer me to do and be obedient and trust he will always work everything out for the good. What get's me is other relative's can call and check with how the family is doing and suggest things for me to do or locate for help but not once offered any assistance from themselves it's comical how family can be at times. I wrote this mainly for therapeutic for me because we all are in the same situation or rather so I give this situation to God!

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by: Anonymous

Am the oldest daughter of 5 siblings. Mom has ALS.total care.vent&trach 5 years&counting.In my home after I lived in her home for the first 3.5 years. Have a great deal of frustration and anger that is growing rather than diminishing towards her and my siblings. Don't know how to deal with it. Giving it to God doesn't seem to help.

Need something more concrete. Feel it is time to institutionalize her but the guilt keeps me from doing that.Hate what this is doing to me, my family,our finances,our life.

Seriously want to go back to work as the RN that I am and get my life back.have lost all respect for my siblings and really don't care to see them again once this is over. Anger and resentment affects how I care for my mom & how I feel about myself. Disappointed in myself for not being stronger and "nicer" about things. Feel like I've lost a lot of who I was & fear it is gone forever. Sick of hearing how "blessed" I am to be able to "care for my mother"& how I need to "count my blessings". Doesn't help. Feel cursed rather than blessed. Feel dumped on, used & abused. Feel I made the wrong decision 5 years ago when I started caring for her. The "group" decision to "do all we can for mama"&"just let us know what you need"&"NO...we CANT put mama in a nursing home" was all a BAD joke!

Now "I" and my husband are STUCK with this huge burden & shows no sign of ending. Our health is waning, our debt is waxing. Struggling daily with the negativity I feel toward my mom and my siblings. Don't know where to go for help.seems to be, as most things in this family are, "MY" fault for feeling the way I do.

Wish I felt differently but don't know how to make myself feel so. My heart goes out to all you caregivers. Said when this is over I want to be the "caregivers caregiver".YOU guys are the ones who REALLY need the support and not only in "words" and "prayers" but in real action and real hands on help.

Everybody says "I think about you and what you are going through all the time". They usually say it as they drive by my house on their way to church. Their words are empty.There is no comfort in them. They are moot & to actually verbalize to people what they can do to help is a waste of breath. Once the phone is hung up the need is conveniently forgotten. After a while you just don't even say anything.

Is less disappointing than saying the need, having a positive response so you actually feel there might be some help on the way only to have them not follow through again. I feel I am my own worst enemy. I cared, I got my self trapped, and I don't have the gumption to do what I really feel is the appropriate thing at this point which is put her in a nursing home and let others take care of her and I just become the daughter again and visit and enjoy the visit.

I no longer feel like she is my mother.She feels like a huge overwhelming burden. Not fair to her or me....sigh.

by: Anonymous

I completely understand your feelings and don't feel bad because of them - we are only human.

You are so right with "giving it to God." Let him take your burden and he will show you the way.

I likewise have siblings that have continued on with their lives leaving me to care for my parent. One drops in every now and then, when it is convenient for her, but she says that she is very busy with her children (mind you they are in their 30's). Oh, forgot to mention that they only see grandpa once or twice a year as they are "too busy" as well. All of these people live within minutes of my parent.

It is so sad that they don't see a problem with this. I would love to have my life back to.

Just remember that whatever you sow, you shall reap. God will bless you beyond measure for the wonderful gift of time and compassion that you have given up to care for your parent.

Do not let your mother throw guilt trips on you. You should do only as much as you feel comfortable with. If it becomes overwhelming, you need help.....possibly a professional caregiver. You must still take time for yourself. You have a life to live.

God bless!

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