Feeling trapped


The past 10 years I have been the main caregiver for father with dementia and mother who had a stroke. My siblings and I had come to an agreement that our father was a danger to our mother because of rage and hallucinations. At around that time my business was hit by the financial crisis and I approached family to address fact I could no longer maintain my expenses or take out loans on my property.

At a meeting with brothers I was physically attacked. Another sibling that had been living at parent's residence then abandoned our mother because she didn't take action such as divorce our father.

Health care provider also minimized the danger which I contested but most influential with mother went along with them.

Because of the conflict the agreement was not carried out and I wound up carrying the burden.

I was ostracized though still the main caregiver during most days and nights. I ended up using a lot of my equity and was unlawfully foreclosed on.

I still may win my case although I was evicted and returned to my parent's home.

On return the situation was much worse than I had been led to believe. There is extreme denial or plain unwillingness to commit time or money.

My father has damaged plumbing and electrical while also getting violent. He is still very strong and throws things. He threatened me with a metal rod as he tried to clear a drain with it, then a large pipe wrench as he claimed he was working on a faucet leak at 3 am!

The local government also took over $50,000 of rental income leaving me with nothing and this has been used against me.

If we could work together for at least a month I can possibly present a strong case and recover funds not only for myself but what I owe partially from being the main caretaker.

On the other hand some of the siblings are now attacking me for my current situation and it almost has gotten physical.

I don't want to take extreme action as mother is recovering from broken hip and has high blood pressure. There is a chance we can get through this period with support from other siblings so my hope is to try for an agreement one last time.

Has anyone ever done a demand letter to siblings in case things go south and would I be able to file for a restraining order if necessary?

Thank you for any advice or feedback in advance.

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Need a better picture
by: Anonymous

As I read your post, I get that you are in a most difficult situation - or desperate to day the least.

But, I must say, I did have a hard time following what exactly you are saying - I did not get the picture. What I did get is the fact that you have a violent father, a mother with dementia, you, yourself sound very smart, but you have financial situation that is out of your control, but you have a possible plan to recoup, and your siblings do not sound supportive.

If this is true and relatively correct, I would definitely keep a paper trail on your daily life - take notes every night about the their behavior; if the health care provider says, "no" - I would be on the phone every time your dad gets violent;

I would go so far as to put it in writing and deliver the letter to the doctor office -make the doctor feel liable for his decision not to protect. Whenever your dad has a doctor appointment send a letter ahead that same day of the things you want the doctor to know, but cannot say in front of your dad or mom, and tell doctor to keep confidential.

You are in charge = do not let docs dictate when they do not live with you, please. My brother and I made an appointment to see my mothers doctor without my mother.

I am not sure how your siblings are involved in this situation, but it sounds abusive; but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I think you need counsel from a lawyer, where they are concerned. But, I think, we have to get the dad thing under control immediately. Write again, so I can get a better picture of what is going on.. best of luck. Hope this helps.

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