Feeling so Much Guilt and Think I'm a Bad Person

by Robin
(Atoka, TN )

Not sure if anybody can relate to this or not but for our situation me and my husband brought his mom to live with us because she was in a horrible facility in Florida. She can't speak she can barely walk and the only thing that you don't have to do is feed her but she can't communicate which is heartbreaking and frustrating.

She's always been a very independent strong headed woman that never needed anybody and I struggle with the way I feel about everything because I wouldn't want my kids to abandon me.

It's not fair to be stuck somewhere you don't want to be with strangers taking care of you and feeling like you're unloved and uncared for. I do probably 90% of the caregiving because my husband works.

I can't just get up and go do things anymore not even a doctor's appointment for myself very hard to arrange. I feel like the worst person on the planet because I told my husband he can't go do anything extra other than work because I need him to help me with her.

I feel like I'm being selfish and unfair to him and at the same time to her but what about me I don't know what the hell to do and I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal I just know that I have it a very high stress level right now

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You are not a bad person!
by: Anonymous

You are not a bad person, and in fact sounds like you are doing all of the heavy lifting... you should not have to sacrifice your entire life....

Wise up
by: Mala

Your husband needs his wife and a life. If you don't make changes, you could lose him. At least make small changes that favor him, so he sees you care.

We can only take so much stress, before something will happen that makes things even worse. Decide in favor of your marriage if you want 2 keep it.

Feeling so Much Guilt and Think I'm a Bad Person
by: Anonymous

You are NOT a bad person, not at all.
The fact that you're willing to take care of your mother-in-law, is to be admired. After all, she isn't even your own mother.

The comments you have gotten here are all true.
Being a caregiver is a hard and thankless job much of the time.

Let's face it, we have to give up what's left of our lives and hope that if we survive the experience, we have a good quality of life left for us.

God bless you for all of your hard work and devotion.

by: Meri

Robin--What you are describing is familiar to anyone who has been a caregiver with little help. You and your husband are to be commended for taking in your mother-in-law and you are particularly special in acknowledging how this is for her.

As caregivers,we are constantly reminded of all the things we can no longer do that it is easy to see the one receiving the care may be suffering to.

Telling your husband that he has to do more of his share is certainly fair. So would be hiring staff to help and to give you a break, if you can afford it.

I understand
by: Anonymous

You are not a bad or horrible person and your thoughts are completely normal. In fact if you haven't wished her dead yet you're a nicer person than me and many others on here.

It's a very fine line to walk between hating the situation and hating the person. Care taking burnout comes on fast not only because of the extra work, but just having an intruder in your life whether they are cared about or not. Your life, your space, your privacy - it all changes. Basically, you have given up your independence so that someone else can maintain theirs. It's hard.

I have my own mother 24/7. I used to not hardly go anywhere. She can't hear at all, but she can speak. We communicate on a dry erase board. She had a fall and I absolutely could not leave her alone for many months, so I found a neighbor who would come over for 15.00 an hour so that I could leave at times for groceries and errands. I also called around to local places and they charged 25.00. I would have paid that too, just to get out once in a while.

She is much more mobile since the fall and probably needs someone here still, but she refuses to let anyone come and is so mean and nasty now to people no one wants to come. I leave her alone for an hour or maybe two at a time. I've come to the decision that whatever happens, happens. I will feel no guilt from it.

I can't. My own health has deteriorated doing this and for my own mental stability I have to get out at times or I will hate her more than I already sometimes do. And yes, I do at times. Every month when I turn the calendar over I am so sad, wondering how long will this go on? How many years of my own life am I giving up?

Do what you have to do for you. The guilt will become less. Pay someone if you can afford it to leave for a bit without worrying. Your husband is gone a lot and he has no idea what stress caretaking creates. But please know your thoughts are completely normal. My mom has a bell on her walker she rings when she gets up in the morning. I'll be honest here and tell you that every single day I hope "today is the day" the bell won't ring. I just want my life back. I worked my entire life to retire (just did last year) and the days are just slipping by. It's my biggest fear that time will go on and then I find myself being her.

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