Feeling Guilty and Resentful

by Jackie
(NJ)

My mom is 93 and lives alone 1 hour away from me. My dad died 40 yrs ago. I have a brother who lives 4 hours away so he is not of much help. He has offered to have my mom come and visit for as long as she wants but she refuses. My mom still drives, refuses to stop- never has had a MVA. She takes no medications and is very healthy except for spinal stenosis which limits how far she can walk.


She is able to leave the home and shop in stores that have a cart to hold on to. My husband and I are both retired now. My husband has had his share of medical problems over last few yrs so we know how important it is to enjoy our lives now and not wait.

We have a home 10 hours away that we go to now for several months of the year. My mom resents this and makes comments with an attitude that we do this.

I have researched endlessly for my mom things that she can get involved in-her senior center has great options, church and book groups. She refuses to do any of this. She has only 1 friend left and sees her very infrequently.

She needs to have someone else in her life besides me so she is not lonely, depressed, unhappy and angry at me when we are away. I don't feel she is being fair to me.

She didn't have this problem as my grandmother was in a nursing home when she got older. My mom is really pretty amazing for her age but she uses the age card as an excuse all the time. I visit her and stay over and see her often when I am home but that is not enough.It is ruining our relationship.

Do you have any suggestions? My husband and she do not get along as my husband resents how she treats me.
Can you offer any suggestions.
Thank you

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She's Reeling You In, Honey
by: Anonymous

Sounds like mom is thinking ahead. You should, too. Mom knows better than you, at the age of 93, that everything she is doing now is getting harder and harder and soon she won't be able to do any of it.

How long do you think a 93 year old can drive?

How long will her limited mobility hold out?

She's not resenting your freedom, she's resenting her dwindling freedom. She's sees the writing on the wall. She's living it. She's refusing your brother because she wants you, her daughter. Moms always want the daughter.

At 93 she doesn't want a full calendar of social events. She's probably barely holding on to what she can do now. You have a vision of her health that is an illusion.

Start making a plan with your husband, not mom, with all the options. You can bet moms first choice will be to live with you. Figure something out now because that time is coming sooner than you think.

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Stand your ground
by: Anonymous

It truly sounds like your mother is amazing at her age. You sound amazing as well for being so supportive. You just enjoy your life with your husband.

Your mom has lived her life, she is being selfish by making such comments when you go to your other home. By the sounds of it you need to go there to get some R&R in order to have patience with her. I always have to remind myself it's not normal to have to see your parent every day.

Some people move far away from their parents, they birthed you so they owe you shelter/food/clothes but you didn't birth her now did you? You are entitled to your own life!

It's so confusing and I should listen to my own advice because I struggle with finding distance even though my father has purposely burned every bridge with friends and family and only wants to have me around, all the time if it were up to him.

Maybe try to explain to her about her own mother being a home and also that you are allowed to have a holiday. You and you're husband have clearly worked hard to get to this point so enjoy it!

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