Feel Like it's Hopeless.
So glad to find this site to share what I am feeling. Still feel it, but nice to know I'm not the only one.
My mother is 87 and I have lived with her for starting my 15th year. I moved in with her when my father passed away in 2000 I'm 59 and have been divorced since 1992.
I lived by myself for 8 years and enjoyed it. But after my father passed being the only single and feeling so bad for her for losing her husband after 50+ years of marriage, I moved in with her.
She is such a sweetheart and is not demanding in the least. But her world is jigsaw puzzles, Let's make a Deal and word search puzzles.
Before she had her stroke 4 years she was pretty independent. She could drive and she pretty much went her way and I went mine. But now she doesn't drive, has severe problems with her speech and is incontinent. Even with pads she still constantly smells of urine.
I absolutely understand she can't help how she is. But she has always been a type B personality so I make about 95% of the decisions. Basically the parent-child relationship has been reversed.
So my life has become one huge guilt cycle. I just feel like screaming enough is enough. I don't want to do this anymore. Isn't fifteen years enough. Then the guilt sets in and I feel terrible about even thinking something like this. What about if I had been born a handicapped child? I know she would have take care of me until the day she died.
Both of my older brothers hardly every call. and have never once in 15 years ever asked how I am doing. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. I do get away overnight once in a while and try to get out of the house and do things by myself. There has never been a problem doing that.
But I want so much to be able to date and start building a future with someone. So that is my life and I guess I just need to gut it out and stop whining like a child who can't have his way.
I know of 10 people that would trade places with me in a heart beat to be able to have their mothers back. But thank you so much for letting me vent this out.