Fed up!

by anonymous
(Louisville,KY)

I've posted before about not having help with my mother. I had to force the issue with my siblings, because my son developed some serious health problems and I have to concentrate on him.


My mom has vascular dementia. She is more than midway through and should not be at home any longer. She has had numerous falls, she doesn't eat or drink unless I make her.

She never moves, and refuses to use her walker. I was going everyday. I have tried for many, many months to get my brother, who is POA, to get her placed in a home.

I did all the research, the footwork. He finally, on mother's day, said that he would go along with whatever I chose. Well, I cannot start the proceedings. He has to.

Now, because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he is once gain refusing. He says we have different ideas about her health and he thinks she's okay for now. NO she is not. Just last Friday afternoon, she fell again.

I had gone out to the car to retrieve an item that fell out of the grocery bag, and when I came back in, she was on the floor! She would have laid there for lord knows how long because she needs cues to get up. I cannot help her up most of the time.

All I got when I told my brother was a thanks, and an I get it. I haven't heard anything since.

The kicker here is, we have had two, count 'em two, doctor consultations and a recommendation from the therapist mom had for several months, that she should either have much more supervision than she's currently getting, or be placed in a home.

Doctor recommends a home.

She is supposed to have someone eat with her so she eats, and she's to have an Ensure everyday. We have help three days a week for 4 hours a day, I am there two days a week, my brother stops by after work to fix her dinner (he doesn't stay), and my sister pops in on the weekend and does the same.

I am still the only one who sits with and makes sure she eats.

My hands are tied.

I don't understand what my brother is waiting for. Does Mom have to seriously injure herself again before he does the right thing? I am seriously considering taking him to court and forcing him into sole guardianship.

I am so afraid that we will be in serious legal trouble if anything happens. I have done all I can. Stepping back hasn't helped much.

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No neglect
by: Anonymous

I had to call the social worker handling my Mom's case. She said she saw Mom the same day she notified me. Social worker said she did not see any neglect.

Mom was appropriately dressed, had food in the house and the apartment was clean. Her medications were in a weekly container. UGH! I am so upset about this.

Of course she saw no neglect, because her neglect is not completely physical. I know they see much worse. The fact is, that food goes into the garbage, and she forgets to take her medications.

The apartment is clean because Home Instead vacuums and the place just doesn't get dirty. Mom is alone all night and on the weekends except for the 1/2 hour or so my brother or sister come.

Oh well. I am done. AS of a few weeks ago Mom still wouldn't see me. So, I am done. This is a bad situation, but it's all on my brother now.

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I did what I had to do.
by: Anonymous

Well, two weeks ago I called APS and heard back from the social worker that same afternoon. She said she would see my Mom soon. Of course, in government speak that could mean 6 months. LOL.

My brother shut me out of Mom's care all together because I dared to talk to her about thinking about moving to a home, and that I told him if things didn't change, I would call APS and get a lawyer involved.

She absolutely does not want to move and he is kowtowing to her wishes. He even cancelled a scheduled appointment for a BP check post skin cancer surgery - most likely because Mom didn't want to go. He had no right to do that!

I also think that when she had her skin cancer surgery, the hospital probably said something to him about why she was not in 24/7 care. The very afternoon he brought her home (she had to stay overnight), he increased the Home Instead days and hours.

The morning after he shut me out, I took the rest of my diary to Mom's doctor with a note saying what had happened and that I would not be bringing her in any longer.

Then I mailed my siblings the letter I had prepared stating that I would step back completely. I was shut out before I sent the letter (just to make that clear).

Mom had a doc appointment this past Thursday. I hope the doctor read my rat brother the riot act about Mom's care. He is not the best person for the job!

We'll see how it all plays out. Right now Mom won't see me. Fine. I understand that she's angry and hurt. And I am sure she had help with that anger. Anyway.... I did what I had to do. Mom is not safe by herself all that time.

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Thanks and here's more!
by: Anonymous

Thanks for replying. My hands are tied. I cannot start any process without my brother's POA. That is where our problem lies.

He isn't heeding her doctors' advice, even. Now, to make matters even more sticky - he's going on vacation for a week.

I hope he's gotten my sister to come in to fix Mom's dinner and check on her in the evening. This is his time to do his "duty". I am just fed up. And so, so tired.

We have doctors appointments and have to find a lawyer to handle my son's disability appeal.

What if I were not able to go over as well? She would be in a world of hurt. Mom can't even hang a t shirt on a hanger. But, to him, she's okay for now. UGH!

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A few suggestions
by: Anonymous

Since your siblings have proven they aren't willing or able to provide more quality time to help out or discuss reasonable alternatives for managing your mother's care, start making phone calls.

Begin with contacting your mother's physician, Adult Protective Services or any other agency in your area that handles elderly care. Look in the phone book or online.

Explain your situation as you did here in this forum. See what advice you get. If you're persistent, you will find the help you need. Don't give up.

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