Fed Up

by Jane

I am totally fed up, worn out and sick to death of having to do things I don't want to do, can't do and, at last, have figured out, this morning won't do. No, is not good enough for anyone, and that includes my siblings, and my own children.


You can do this for dad...you can do that for dad. And guess what? I'm on my own, broke, old and unemployed. What a pity party right? Well, I'm over the pity party, I'm at the end of my rope with trying to be diplomatic, loving and kind...and by God not getting anything back in return.

I'm ready to run and run far away from all the advice, criticism and disrespect. Lately, I've been on remote, doing only the vital things to keep my father happy and alive...and who does he want to see and talk to the most..my brother and sister,who advise over the phone from their expensive, retired, lifestyles, and homes.

I've gotten to the point when I answer the phone I ask, "what do you need?", because that's what I've become the ultimate fixer, caretaker, and doormat. Even, if I calmly and truthfully explain the situation, it isn't good enough, they get angry...let me repeat that...THEY GET ANGRY!

I've reached the boiling point by then and, more to the point, totally depressed, unloved, hurt and want to just curl up in my bed and let everything go to hell. Let all of them pick up the pieces, I've had it, in every way. That's my contribution.

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Grant us Compassion O God
by: Anonymous

I came upon this article, probably like many of you; frustrated, tired and holding on to dear life at the tip of the last straw.

Reading the post and the comments, it's an all too familiar scenario, and I share in the emotional turmoil all of us are going through. Its so tough, not some days, but every day. And many will not understand..

Then I wonder, if we - the able bodied, relatively stronger and healthier person is feeling like this, imagine how our parents would feel? What if their strength has degraded so much, and their memory is failing, their bladder is not controllable, the mind is constantly in defense mode, dropping food and things is (almost def) unintentional, and they have no where else to go, or simply find no comforting refuge among strangers, and that's why they want us...the Children. And we, not being able to help because we're tired of doing...

We love our parents, but we're tired.
They are old, we expect them to grow wiser with age but they are traveling back in time and becoming children themselves. How do we comprehend this?

Dear God, Grant us Compassion even beyond our Understanding and Capability Lord...

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So at the end of my tether
by: Anonymous

I can at last write how I feel without prejudice or someone thinking bad of me. We have moved to a lovely house in the country.. we decided as I am an only child to bring my 94 year old mother along to live with us.. it was the worst mistake of our lives, my mother is such hard work.. she will not follow the guide lines concerning her safety.. everything has to be for her.

I have to liquidize her food as she has a problem swallowing.. she is on 22 pills a day. If I am going to go anywhere or do anything she plays at being ill. I hate my life and I hate her... she refuses to go into a nursing home.. I just wish she would hurry up and die I really do.

I know I am terribly wicked for saying all this.

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Anger and guilt
by: Anonymous

I can relate. It is sad to see your parent age and have all these medical issues but it is so hard on me too to be his caretaker. I have a younger son who feels the burden as well.

My dad doesn't understand the constant needs he has is overwhelming on my family. The poop and pee accidents the food he drops everywhere and all demands as if I ran a restaurant with on demand requests.

And all the phobias, lock the door, set the alarm, leave the dog by my bed, leave all the lights on all the time. I know it's hard on him and it makes it that much harder for us.

He has been 10 years in my husband and my care. He's finally moving with my brother in the other end of the country. I feel guilt I couldn't deal with it all. My health has suffered too because of the stress.

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Dear Caregiver
by: Anonymous

I completely feel your pain. I was a at home caregiver for my father in law. It became just as you say. Due to my own burn out from a similar situation all I could think was you should just leave.

Let the others take care of him. When you do something like your doing there needs to be emotional rewards. It sounds like there isn't.

Don't feel bad for even a second that you can admit it is way too much on you. I finally could not take it anymore. I moved out. My husband also did not want to keep up with the man's care. That person was admitted to a nursing home.

I really get it and I am so sorry for you having to go through that. The others don't and won't get it because they are distant enough to not feel the real emotional pain of how hard what you are doing is.

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Fed Up
by: Anonymous

I really feel for you and understand how you feel. You are a good person.

I'm a single mum and carer to my son . The past 3 months have been tough. I lost my Mum 2 years ago soon after my Dad s health deteriorated and he has nobody except me. He's fallen out with everyone else and I'm daft enough to put up with the hurtful way he speaks to me and his actions.

He has never bothered with me when growing up and beyond. I feel only wanted now as a dogs body.
I love my son to bits and am beginning to resent the time I give to my father as he is nasty to me.vI have had enough.
Sorry for rant

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ME TOO
by: Anonymous

I am a 71 year old 24/7 carer for my husband and you would think he was my father the way he acts.

He is so dependent on me for everything that is why I am posting on this site as I don't think of him as my husband and partner, just an old man that has no dignity left because he uses the urinal in the sitting room as he cannot be bothered to use the chair lift we bought to go upstairs to the toilet, he just drops his pants in front of me and it turns my stomach.

He is attached to an oxygen tube all day long. All I hear is get me this, and get me that, I want this and I want that. I cannot go out on my own as he panics when I mention it.

I wake up in the morning and check on him and think s### he is still alive, I am at the end of my tether and wish I could leave him. Even though he is incapable of doing anything whatsoever, he still rules the house.

We have no central heating because it broke down 3 years ago and he won't spend any money having new put in. We have no hot water I have to boil kettles. We use fan heaters to warm the rooms.

The house has not been decorated for over 20 years, our furniture is dropping to bits, he says I can buy new if he dies, the way I am going on I will die first, I hate the man with all my heart and sometimes cannot be bothered to look at his miserable face.

I have sons, who just say, try and get out more, we spend Christmas days on our own as he won't go out with the family and has a panic attack if I say I am going without him. Sorry about the rant.

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Fed up
by: Anonymous

I feel exactly the same as you!! I have always been happy, cheerful and have no idea where she disappeared to! I am depressed, trying to be hopeful & have faith but don't feel it.

I moved home to take care of my Dad who had cancer that spread to his kidneys. I paid rent for my apartment & lived back at home to take care of him, I arranged for hospice at home for him. My Dad was sick, never complained, always happy to be out for a ride in the car until he couldn't anymore. My mom was of no help, all the caregiving, medications, etc was up to me. My mom started drinking which got worse when my Dad died.

One of my bros put her in a rehab for a week, she got out Sept 10, 2011 and I was in front of the WTC on Sept 11th. I gave up my apartment, finally, and moved back home. A brother was diagnosed with cancer and he passed after a long fight and my mom went downhill immediately.

She is depressed, has no interest, does nothing, won't work, continues to fall doing stupid things. I was sick from NY Eve, even went to the doctor, didn't want to eat never mind cook but she won't do anything for herself so as sick as I was I had to cook.

I work at home, HATE IT, and have been looking for a real job for well over a year. Something has got to give cause this is not how I expected my life to turn out. I am single, can't see my friends, and I cook, clean do all the laundry, etc. and I am overwhelmed.

My mother disappeared and what I have left is this old person with no interests. My neighbor who is 84 does everything, no stopping her and my mom would be in a nursing home cause my 2 bros would never take care of her.
I am very happy I found this sight so we can all vent since we are experiencing the same thing.

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I Feel your Pain
by: Only One

As an only child, I'm at the end of my rope too. The holidays sure don't help.

After caring for my Mom who passed from Alzheimer's 2 years ago, my 93 year old Dad is driving my nuts. I am always riddled with guilt, because I understand that he is sad, lonely, has failing eyesight, etc. But he will ONLY rely on me even though he is in assisted living facility (I know that I'm very lucky in that respect).

Constant calls, doctor appointments, med issues, doctor errors. My cousin is dying and that makes me so sad. I can't take care of my own family the way I want. Vacation? Forget it. New grand baby due in CA next month, keeping fingers crossed to get away for a few days to help.

Met a lady today who told me about caring for her parents with her 5 sisters. I'd kill for one. Not sure what the answer is, but it's a week before Christmas and I've taken to my bed to try and take care of myself for 1/2 a day to regenerate. God Bless all in this situation.

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I Hate this Job!!
by: Anonymous

i feel you, believe me I do, I'm 44, single, and my dad is 86. all is great in HIS world, but mine sucks! I've had nothing but problems since I moved here, I'm talking the house was so bad I started getting health issues from it.

First, my skin was open sores, got the house clean, that healed up. Now, I've been informed I've got cancer that can be removed, but I'm waiting on medical to get around to my surgery, in the mean time, I'm so weak I can't clean, guess what, skins breaking out again. Not just on me, but now even my dogs skin is crazy!

I feel like I've lost my mind, am I paranoid thinking this house is making me sick? or dad making me sick? Family...HA, that's nothing but a word right there. "it's fine, it's in your head, your making problems for yourself." huh?

I've been the problem SOLVER here past years, but I'm so done with this crap. I want to walk out that door and not come back! I'm not getting paid any money from anywhere, now I'm sick and if I get a hotel to get away for a few days, I'M the bad guy. I'M "putting him in the poor house".

Hell, he done that to himself before I even got here. I'm so tired, lonely,literally sick, broke and I'm now where I would not feel one bit of guilt if I did leave but, I gave up my section 8 when I came to help him.

I must have been real selfish jerk in a past life or something but, I simply can't do this. And to have to fight with him over simple things, like rotten food MUST be tossed out, but that's WW3 there. This house is 2200 sq.ft. and it needs an overhaul big time. I've done a whole lot, but now I find out I need this surgery, and he becomes a bigger slob than he was before,he does things that sabotage my cleaning, I have no clue why, does he not get that my energy is almost nil?

Does he not think I'm sick so hes piling on more work? or does he want to kill me off slowly here? He literally stepped over my body when I collapsed in the hall one day, he had to go to bingo. So, I got my dog and my laptop and crawled to my car and got a motel room for a few days. He canceled my credit card to strand me out of town, later emailing my sister "think she learned her lesson yet?" I am not even kidding here..I kept the email..

I'm soooo beyond done here, I don't mind being a house cleaner, I've always loved to clean, but this is insane. If anybody needs a house cleaner, after my surgery I'll be just fine. I'm just not willing to keep working for free to get thrown out the day I get sick and I still keep cleaning, I'm very strong, but I'm getting that tattoo on my forehead that says 'stupid' removed in two weeks..(no tattoo, that parts a joke)
t

Thanks for letting me vent...doesn't he get that if he kills me off he's gonna have to clean for himself? Guess not

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Totally Understand
by: Anonymous

I get it, hon you as well as I are doing the right thing. Siblings are not.. I am a firm believer you get get what you sow and well hope they have someone to care for them when the age.

However does not change the fact that we as care givers need some space. Some time alone to have fun and have a life whats left of it.

Being financially strapped is not helping. Its hard for us to.

But please take a minute and breathe. Try not to allow your thoughtless siblings who have no idea what they are talking about since they haven't the guts to try it themselves. SELFISH is what it is. .. and you are not being SELFISH you are CARING keep telling yourself that.

Try to breathe take a moment to relax somehow.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

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Looking after 'Long Lost' Relative
by: Anonymous

I can identify exactly with these posts. I am trying to look after parents and a relative who just turned up on the doorstep after forty years or so.

Always criticism, stubbornness, and refusal to do things they could do for themselves. Nothing is ever right - always something to complain about. I hope I never get like this, or don't live to be this old. I certainly don't want to be in a nursing home since the staff pays no attention to anything you say.

Other relatives don't want to hear anything unpleasant! I am just worn out and I have no social life and my own health problems. I just want to actually live and enjoy life and have fun, because I have forgotten what it's like and am still fairly young. Bless all of you kind people.

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My Feelings Exactly
by: Anonymous

You have put into words exactly how I am feeling right now - depressed, unloved and ready to disappear and leave everyone else to do what I have been doing for years.

Thank you for being so honest and making me realize that I am not alone in my feelings.

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The Right Thing to do is Always the Right Thing
by: Anonymous

Jane,

Totally understand as what you are feeling all of those who have cared for someone have felt at one time or another.

Just remember to take solace, and great pride for that matter in that you are doing the right thing and the right thing is always the right thing to do.

As for the criticism who get from people who have never went through what you are going thru I find an effective response is this.

I ask the person "So have you every taken care of an elderly person" and before they can respond ... usually they will stammer or hem and haw I say "Well I guess I'm one up on you then huh?"

Hope that helps


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Know your ustration
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel! I am caring for my elderly mother who has dementia and siblings who live three hours away or more, blow in and blow out to "help" when they can and leave everything up to me. Then they are never happy with what I do. I am searching for a full time job, have teenage children of my own and have to deal with the stress of recent divorce plus helping Mom because I am the local one. It is very frustrating. My sister says I am "angry" all the time, gee, I wonder why!

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I Relate
by: Anonymous

Yes, caring for an elderly obstinate angry abusive elder can and is so very very hard. In the same boat caring for an in law. My husband and I care for this elder and it is a 24/7 job and we get very very little to no respite.

I know the feeling..Hang in there as I am finding we are not alone on this journey and it will end and hopeful we all will still be healthy ourselves. There are times I get so depressed all I can do is cry..

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I Feel Your Pain
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry you are feeling so low, but I must admit that it felt good to read your post. I feel the exact same way and it was helpful to realize I am not alone.

To be criticized and hurt repeatedly kills a part of you inside and I too feel like running away and saying screw it to the people who are causing the pain. At this moment, I think I would be happy to never see them again.

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Thank God for a Venting Place
by: Anonymous

Thank God for a Venting Place. This site helped me tremendously and I hope it does you too. It helps just to let it all out even if no one has answers to help. There are plenty of folks in the same boat.

I encourage you to "Hang in there". It will get better. It did for me. My Dad has passed and Mama is in a nursing home but at one point, I prayed for some kind of relief. Unfortunately, it only comes sometimes with their passing and then we know they are at peace.It is rough now but it will get better with time.

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