Family Conflict

by Anne
(Tennessee)

My mother-in-law is 84 years old and lives in her own home. For the past nine months, my brother and sister-in-law have made weekly to biweekly visits to check on her as they live 45 minutes away. My brother-in-law is retired and his wife works part-time.

I received a call from my sister-in-law stating they have no life because they have to attend to the needs of my mother-in-law all the time and no one helps.

Another brother lives 45 minutes away, but he and his wife work full-time. The other brother is 2-1/2 hours away and he and his wife both work full-time. Us........we live 12 hours away as we recently moved to Tennessee as all of our children and grandchildren live on the east coast.

First of all, I did not feel the call from my sister-in-law was warranted and told her I felt that the call should be between her husband and mine, my mother-in-laws sons. She complained about the drives.

She told me my mother-in-law is completely isolated now due to difficulty with ambulation.

She said she is not getting enough nutrition. During the entire conversation, I felt an undertone of anger and resentment. I did tell her that I really loved living in Tennessee because I get to spend time with my children and grandchildren and she told me, "So what! I don't get to see mine". Her granddaughter lives 15 minutes from her and her other two grandchildren live 2-1/2 hours away.

I was thinking surely you can drive down on a Saturday to visit since her days to visit my mother-in-law is Tuesday. The thing is, when we lived 2-1/2 hours away and 30 minutes from her son, she never once visited them or we would've gone over to my nephews house. I felt that was a comment she made due to underlying resentment because we moved to Tennessee last March.

She referred to her trips a grunge work. That saddened me immensely because my mother-in-law told me that she felt they enjoyed coming to visit to get away from the house.

I will never share this situation I'm dealing with with anyone but my husband.

I did order healthy nutritious food to be delivered to my mother-in-laws home. We pay 1200 per year for her medic alert and home phone. We have paid thousands to have her porch redone and got her a porch swing an she enjoys sitting on the porch. The brother-in laws assisted in the building and painting, but financially, we covered all the expense.

I am shaking apart inside and asked her why she was lashing out at me. I, personally, would never allow my brother-in-laws on my side of the family to make decisions for the welfare of my mother. I just feel this is something that should be between the sons and daughter of my mother-in-law, but I was verbally attacked and have never been treated so poorly.

I told her we appreciate all they do for her. I told her the appreciation was with the deepest sincerity. I admitted we don't visit as much as we should. We went to see her before moving to Tennessee in March. We just say her in May. Realistically, how often should we go when we live 12 hours away?

We buy her groceries when we visit. We take her out to eat. She knows if she needs anything we can help financially If she were to go into the hospital or anything, we would be there.

It just doesn't seem feasible for us to drive up 12 hours every other week as they want us to so we can take her out two to three times per week. We have dogs and have to rent a hotel room. That runs into a lot of expense.

I am shaking apart inside and asked my husband to call his brother and stop this. I do not know why I was targeted.

My daughter is a social worker and sent me some valuable links for resources I can inquire about. I did research myself and there is transportation for the elderly if she wanted to go shopping.

Groceries can be delivered which we can buy. I found resources that can assist with a handicapped ramp, installation of a shower, etc. There is a world of assistance out there, but I don't think my sister-in-law is aware of any of that

My husband is having me call to see what we can do and we will drive back 12 hours to meet with people who can help us. There are even meals on wheels that are delivered weekly.

My sister-in-law had complained that they have to make little dishes for my mother-in-law to microwave, so I thought perhaps meals on wheels would be a good alternative.

I need help. This family discord is making me a nervous wreck. I don't want family conflict.

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