Exhausted

by GiGi
(PA)

So glad to have finally found an outlet to relieve some of the stress in dealing with caregiving.

Have been caregiving since 1994, when my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's. At that time my father quit and wanted the attention, also.

Mother continued to try to take care of him, too. Very trying times since I had my own children and a career at the time. Being an only child I don't deal with sibling problems, but I have no one to help me either.

Mother ended up in a nursing home due to a very bad fall in 2007. I retired and cared for dad at his home while also caring for mother at the nursing home.

In 2009 mother passed away and it was just dads needs and wants to deal with on a daily basis.

Thank goodness I was able to get a couple hours a day of assistance through the vets. Of course, it was still difficult cuz dad didn't like most of the aides.

After many major falls, demands, aide issues, illnesses, adaptations, eye surgeries, broken ribs, broken femur and hip,dad developed a very bad infection requiring IV antibiotics several times during the day.

I had him sent to a nursing home in 2015. He is totally wheelchair bound due to spinal stenosis.

It was a long recovery with an expected amputation. Dad refused this procedure and amazingly enough he was healed.

My problem now is that he cannot afford 24/7 care in his home, but refuses to admit this fact. There is dementia of some kind now and he can't be left alone to care for himself, so I still have him in the nursing home.

I was going every other day to see him for over a year. Now I go twice a week because I can't handle it any more. The constant referral to returning home, his room is totally packed daily in pillowcases and garbage bags to come home, he cannot lift his arms or legs very high, he's the bad boy on the floor having anger outbursts, refusing medications, etc.

I'm worn out and very stressed.

I love him dearly, but dread going to visit. Now I have decided to sell his home and had promised to bring him home to die.

I truly believe he is going to outlive me. The guilt, stress, and hopelessness is killing me!
Major meltdowns occurring frequently.

I have no idea how to cope, so this site is a hope to handle my own sanity. Thank you.

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I understand
by: Anonymous

I was with my Mom and Aunt for many years. They are both in a nursing home now and doing well.

While Mom has never been violent or loud, she does often want to know when she's going home. My best response is to try to divert her attention and say she needs help right now.

Have you ever spoken to anyone in Hospice care?

I have recently learned that hospice can prescribe different medications and also have more people check on your Father. It seems to have improved Mom's condition.

She has dementia as well as other physical problems. Hospice has been wonderful. Please ask the nursing home for a local hospice worker to evaluate him. Good luck and don't beat yourself up.

I am still trying to forgive myself for being angry with my Mom and Aunt many, many times. Truth is, I was losing MY mind. You have to live too.

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Can't go home now
by: Anonymous

If your father has dementia, then it's far too late to "take him home to die." Keep him where he is!
You sound as though you have been martyred for decades to your parents' disabilities. I really can't understand this personally, unless you are the type of person who was loved unconditionally by them and also loved them this way in return.

I can't imagine having to sacrifice basic self interests to my parents for so long a time.

I would say that you should probably reduce your visits to your father and actually try to salvage what you have left. This may seem cruel, but so is dementia. Dementia is insanity.

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