Exhausted and Fed Up
I am 47, and moved back home to help my mom when my father was dying of cancer and had dementia. We eventually put dad in a good nursing home where he was cared for until he died.
I figured at that point I would be able to move back out into my own home. The day after my father died, my mother completely lost her eyesight to macular degeneration. I have been stuck with her for 10 years now. She has developed diabetes, has had several falls, and there is no way she can live alone. I have two siblings but they are no help. I call them the seagulls - now and then they swoop down, make a lot of noise, sh*t all over everything and fly away, leaving me to clean up the mess.
Right now I'm so angry I could sit down and cry. I wanted to go to grad school and travel and enjoy my freedom. I do love my mom, and I know it's not her fault, but it's not MY fault either. Her needs are endless and I find myself wishing every day that she would die. Then I feel awful for thinking such a thing.
There are times I want to get in the car and just start driving until I run out of road. I don't know what to do anymore, but something has to change because I'm afraid I may eventually do something to hurt my mother.