Exhausted and Fed Up

by Devara
(Cleveland, OH)

I am 47, and moved back home to help my mom when my father was dying of cancer and had dementia. We eventually put dad in a good nursing home where he was cared for until he died.

I figured at that point I would be able to move back out into my own home. The day after my father died, my mother completely lost her eyesight to macular degeneration. I have been stuck with her for 10 years now. She has developed diabetes, has had several falls, and there is no way she can live alone. I have two siblings but they are no help. I call them the seagulls - now and then they swoop down, make a lot of noise, sh*t all over everything and fly away, leaving me to clean up the mess.

Right now I'm so angry I could sit down and cry. I wanted to go to grad school and travel and enjoy my freedom. I do love my mom, and I know it's not her fault, but it's not MY fault either. Her needs are endless and I find myself wishing every day that she would die. Then I feel awful for thinking such a thing.

There are times I want to get in the car and just start driving until I run out of road. I don't know what to do anymore, but something has to change because I'm afraid I may eventually do something to hurt my mother.

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Fed up + Angry + Resentment
by: Lesley

I can totally relate with you. My Mom has had severe depression + anxiety problems since I was 15 years old. I am 47 years old now. My Mom has also had dementia for at least 12+ years, very slow progressing dementia.

I was married 11 years ago and now have 2 kids, ages 10 & 7. My life is trapped in my house and has been for 3 years now. I mean trapped. I can't go out for me time, I snap at my kids, thank god my husband woeks afternoons or I would probably kill him with my mood.

I am on the maximum of anti-depressants and I still cry everyday. My family go up to the trailer and I get to take care of my mom. Can't take it anymore. The care is always on my mom.

My family is always paying the price and I do not think its fair. Any feed back.

Macular Degeneration
by: Anonymous

I can totally relate to your story. My dad died several years ago and mom carried on independently in the family home. She has macular degeneration and two years ago it progressed to the point where she could no longer drive.

She was able to remain independent by walking to a nearby shopping center and taking a senior ride service to doctors appointments. Within the last year she has lost so much sight that these were no longer options. She has always been adamant about remaining in her home as long as possible and I can certainly sympathize with that wish. So I packed my belongings and came home to help her out.

I didn't realize the extent of the impact this decision would have on my life. I have only been here a few months and I see my life slowly slipping away.

At this point in her eye disease, she is still able to care for herself and run her own affairs.
But I see the subtle deterioration daily and her dependence increases in little ways. At a time when she is needing me more, I find myself thinking of ways to get away. When I suggest I may need breaks away from the house, she clings.

She is so happy and comforted that I'm here with her and I'm so depressed and angry. She sees the years ahead with her loving daughter taking care of all her needs and I see a long empty road stretching into emptiness.

I know I have to be here for my mom. I know I can't give up my life. I have to find a way to join both of these lives so that we both live a long happy life. One of us should not have to die so the other can live.

I Know How You Feel
by: Anonymous

Hi, I can so sympathize with you as I am in a similar position. All we can really do is take one day at a time. Is there anyone who can take over for a day or two to give you a chance to have a few days away to relax?

I find talking to my friends help a bit when it all becomes too much.

Be Strong
by: Nadia

I wish I could say something that can help you, I know what you are going through I am looking after my mom of 87.

This morning whilst I was sleeping, she decided to unlock the door and go down the stairs with her three wheel walker! I only knew when waking up after a neighbour called me to say she is standing at the gate shouting for help. No need to say how embarrassed I was! What do we do?

How she did not get hurt I do not know, her guardian angels must have been working overtime. I guess the big one is to choose a midway between not losing your mind all together and try and stay sane.

All I can say is you are not alone out there in South Africa (where I stay) there is someone struggling with the same issues, crying every day and being angry all the time because your life has been stolen.

Maybe it helps a little bit I hope so, trust in God He has the big plan and part of that plan right now is for us to look after our MOMS. My thoughts are with you , you are doing a great job!

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