Enmeshed

by Anonymous

I am getting married in 2 weeks. My fiancé has lived with his Mom for the last 15 years.

His father left when he and his brother were still in diapers. He idolizes his Mother and thinks she does no wrong. I find their relationship strange. It's like he is her husband. They even share a checking account.

She is 75 and has trouble with her hands. She needs help opening things, but otherwise leads a normal life. She still drives, goes to Church, travels to visit friends and family and has more of a social life than I do. I have an autoimmune disease that is very painful. She is in better shape than me in many ways.

Having said that....

She was irresponsible with her finances and is now going to lose her home. She claims she can't pay her bills without my fiance's income. I looked into it and it is not the case. She makes plenty to keep the house and live on her own.

Her house should have been paid off 20 years ago, but she has borrowed $200,000.00 against it. There is no explanation as to where this money went!

My fiancé defends her saying that she has a weakness for helping others and that is where the money probably went.

He feels responsible for her and insists she live with us. I am so resentful! We both have grown children and should be able to enjoy this time to ourselves. Not have to share a house with her. Not now.

If she needed day to day care, that would be different. She doesn't. She calls and texts him all day. He does all of the house work and laundry on top of working a 50 hour work week. He treats her like a queen and does not see how she manipulates. She is a quiet manipulator...Sweet as pie, with a motive.

His brother will not help her. He sees what I do. My fiancé does not see it and says they are a package deal....
I love him so very much, but I'm getting cold feet. I want him to myself for awhile.

I don't think I'm ready to have he and his Mother move in. When I bring up "leave and cleave", he says we are also suppose to take care of our elderly parents!

How can I get him to see that she is controlling him with her sweet ways? They are enmeshed.....I'm afraid Mom will always come first. I'm also tired of hearing the word "Mom". If he brings up what cute thing she did, like she's a child, one more time, I might explode!

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Enmeshed
by: Anonymous

I agree with the other, you will never come first in this relationship.
I wouldn't marry him. If you do, you will regret it.

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Run, Forest, Run!!!!
by: Anonymous

Your man already has a wife....his mother! You will ALWAYS come second. You will NEVER have him to yourself.

I imagine he knows exactly where that $200,000 went because he's been with her for the last 15 years.

Everything you said is a red flag. You will be angry and resentful everyday if you marry him. You already know.

You just don't want to believe it. You will not change him, his mother, or the situation.

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Don't Marry Him!
by: Anonymous

It is just going to get worse from here! Don't marry him if this makes you uncomfortable because it's for the long haul.

She may live into her 90's that's what, 20 more years, your resentment is just going to get worse.

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I Am Sorry
by: Anonymous

I was going to say exactly what the other poster said - trust your gut feelings on this! If you already have bad feelings it will only get worse.

That scenario is no way to begin your marriage. Your fiance will not hear you, and his mother will not begin to. I am so sorry, but our instincts are true.

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Trust
by: Anonymous

Dear Enmeshed,
Oh, I want to keep my mouth shut. I have gotten into trouble before when a relative thought her husband would change once she married him and I said, . . . well never mind.

This is the most important thing: Trust your own intuition-it will never let you down.
Let us know how it goes!
m-santa rosa ca

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