Eldest child syndrome

by Cedar S
(St. Charles, IL, USA)

My husband and I have become financially responsible for my mother staying in her home. My sisters have zero extra income between them, and two of them have been homeless in the last 5 years. This has left my husband and I, who are, thankfully, able to help my mom.

We have paid her RE taxes for the last 17 years, replaced her car twice,when the other one crapped out, replaced refrigerator, redone her shower step for her reduced ability and bridged the gap many times between her SS income and what she needed.

My problem?

She is absolutely fine with this. Has no problem leaning on me about it, even though it has caused problems in my marriage.

I am thankful that she doesn't require physical help to take care of her bodily needs at this time.

When she did require physical help after breaking both her arms in a fall, she sure did enjoy bossing us all around. I was LIVID.

She was a crazy aggressive mom when we we very young, and part of me wants to slap her around to even the score.

If she ever is in need of physical help again, I will not be available in any way, because of my resentment.

I wish I was a bigger person emotionally about this.. I wish I could let go of my rage around her, and the person she was when I was young. I just haven't been able to do it yet.

I don't wish her I'll will, I just would rather not be expected to repeatedly come to the rescue. And the other part of me? The other part wants to tell her to get out of my life, and stay out. I'm not sure which is worse; her actual need, or my repeated hateful feelings toward her.

Probably the latter. I don't WANT to feel this toward her...but, for now, it keeps coming up.

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it's completely understandable
by: Anonymous

I get it. Been there, done that, got a whole outfit and more! I would suggest when your mom needs help in the future pay people to help her. Don't do it yourself. My mom abused me mentally too and I finally figured it out after a huge falling out two years ago.

I was her full-time caregiver but no more. She's in an assisted living (had to go there because of some surgery and hasn't manage to leave - tells everyone I MAKE her stay but I don't - she won't go home because I refuse to be her caregiver and she won't tolerate other people being her caregiver so - stalemate!).

I would suggest reading Dr. Karyl McBride's writing about daughters who have narcissistic mothers. That has helped me immensely with resentment toward my mom and how she has run (and in some ways ruined) my life.

You aren't her slave and don't need to be verbally whipped for what you do for her. I finally came to that conclusion for me too. I also figured out it's pointless to argue and I'm learning to let things go.

Oh yes, it's very hard not to argue and the feelings of resentment (and wanting to slap her!) are there, but there's no point. Hugs for you. Have a glass of wine, and know that you've gone above and beyond for what you should have done for someone who may not appreciate you.

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