Elderly Parent Moving In - Changes in Lifestyle

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Elderly Parent Moving In - Changes in Lifestyle

by Lynne
(Ashevill, NC, USA)

My husband and I have just completed moving an elderly parent (my Mother) into our home permanently. It has been a difficult adjustment for all of us. She is no longer at 86 years capable of independently taking her medicines, driving, maintaining her home or eating proper meals. We moved from our large home three years ago and downsized thinking that we would be living alone. Now we have had to adjust our home to accommodate her rollator, potty chair, shower aids, among other things. I just spent two weeks closing out her home of 33 years. Half of the household that she insisted on keeping is now in expensive monthly storage because all involved feel that she cannot handle being told that she will never again live by herself. She thinks she is with us temporarily until her house is sold and her health improves. I love her and realize this is the only option for her financially other than a medicaid nursing home at this point, however, I can't from time to time feel resentment in the fact that my life is not my own anymore. By the time I get her up in the morning, make her meals, and provide things for her to do during the day I have trouble fitting into my day the things I have to do that she can't help with. I guess the comparison is trying to keep a home, and all activities that requires, when you have a very young child who requires constant care. A trip to the grocery store turns into a stroll while she gets her exercise slowly walking with the walker usually taking three times longer than it would have been if I was alone. Mealtime preparation has become a debate and compromise as her generations diet is not the same as ours. I am an only child so there is no one to help with this responsibility. The challenges are many.

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Elderly Parent Moving In - Changes in Lifestyle

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Don't Know What to Do
by: Anonymous

I am torn with the decision of living with my mother. I am 62 and married. I don't have much money and am renting. Mom has a house and has offered my husband and me to move in with her.

Yes, financially it would be wonderful. We would have our own space, the total top floor. She mentioned it to me the day saying, "Why don't we live together? You have nothing. You are only renting and it would be beneficial for both of us."

I resented the fact that she said, I have nothing. Whether I rent or not, right now, I have my freedom. What price can you put on that?

Mom is 89 and has osteoarthritis. She has always been a domineering mother and even though I do get along with her, I am frightened that once I move in, I will feel indebted to her and there will be now way out.

My mother has enough money to move to a senior's residence, but I always promised that I would not put her in one. She is living alone now, and I wait for the call that she has fallen or something of that nature. She is just too old.

Should I do this or not?

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Going Well.....
by: Anonymous

Three months ago my mother had to be put into a nursing home due to severe dementia....she was making life a living hell for my poor father. She no longer knows any of our names, and usually calls my husband and I her mom and dad.

That left my 89 year old father in their home by himself. While he is fine mentally, of course at his age, arthritis has slowed him down. He was lonely, too. We had tried many years ago to move my parents out of that home into a nice senior apartment, but they wouldn't go for it. Mom asked why she should pay rent when she had a paid for home?

We gave my father the option of getting him into a nice senior apartment near our house...we would do all the housework and laundry. Or, he could move in with my brother or with us. He chose us.

Fortunately, we have a raised ranch, so he pretty much has his own apartment.....living room, bedroom, bathroom. We also got him a fridge, and a kitchen counter with shelves, so that he could putter in his own kitchen. He is welcome to come upstairs whenever he wishes, though the stairs are not his friend. It has only been a little over 2 weeks, but things are going pretty well.

He has his quirks, but frankly, I feel very fulfilled being able to do this for him....he did so much for us. My husband is so patient with him and he wanted to take him in, too, so that made the transition much easier. A few years back the thought of this made me cringe. Our main problem is trying to figure out how much privacy to give him without him thinking we don't want to be with him, or how much company to give him without intruding. Hope a few months from now, I can still say all is going well.

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My Poor Mother
by: Stressed Out Daughter

No, she is not elderly. She is almost 60 and she has been taking care of her vampiric mother (my grandmother) since my mother was a teen.

Now my grandmother is 86, and refuses to leave her gigantic castle. My mother is so worn out from caring for that wench!! She does all the cooking, cleaning, and everything else, from 9AM to 10PM. I am so tired of how she spoils her.

My mother cannot have a regular job, because her mother is a full time job. And she can't get paid for it, because the wench makes too much $ from her husbands social security. That means my mother cannot end her marriage to her abusive husband, because she cannot support herself. Co-dependency sucks!!! Slipping through the cracks also sucks!!

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Taking care of Elderly Mom
by: Anonymous

Nice to hear that others are going through what I am going through too!

My mother is 82 years old, and has been living with us for almost 2 years now, her mind is perfect, but her mobility is not, she fell in January and fractured her hip, so for that reason she is not walking like she was before, although she wasn't walking all that good before.

Five years ago they found a benign tumor in her ear, and the doctor did radiation on her to shrink the tumor, but this has effected her equilibrium.

It has been tiring, difficult and exhausting, I have to dress her in the morning, wash her, assist her to the bathroom, and she goes a lot during the day! Sometimes, I resent her for what I am going through.....she is a wonderful woman and mother, grandmother, but it is very hard.

I have lost my independence, thank god my husband is very good with her and patient, other husbands would not want their mother in law living with them.

I have 2 sons that live at home and are in their early 20's and help out too, but it takes a woman to have to take her to the bathroom and do those kind of things. Sometimes I feel like just running away by myself. I really need to get help at least a few days a week.

My daughter is having a baby in June, first grandchild for me, and I want to enjoy the moments with him and not have to worry about taking care of mom, so for that reason I need to seek help! I love my mom very much, but I vow I will never do this to my children! I do not want to be a burden to them, now I know how difficult this situation is!

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Me too
by: Anonymous

I'm so happy to find a board where I can see other people going through the same thing as me.

My mom moved in with us three months ago. She has always been very opinionated and has a very different personality than I do. This has been fine when she would come to visit me and stay for short periods of time. We since moved to a different state and she would come for three to five weeks at a time and I realized that we just would not get along if she ever came to live with me.

She made me promise when I was younger that I would never put her in a nursing home and I promised. She is perfectly capable of living on her own but she is selfish and wants to live here with us. I love my mom but I'm so stressed out because she's always been critical of me and although she bites her tongue sometimes she can nag me to no end until I can't stand it anymore and I blow up at her. My blood pressure has also gone through the roof.

I would never do this to my kids. I love them too much. I feel she is very selfish. She has always thought of herself before anyone..even her grandchildren. I'm so sorry I didn't put my foot down and have her move into an apartment. I don't get any support from my husband. He lost his mother when he was young and seems to really enjoy having her here..I feel like the ogre because no one understands how horrible this is for me. Thank you so much for listening.

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Elderly Parent Moving In - Help
by: Anonymous

Hey, I completely understand what you are going through. I am there with you. My mom and Dad moved in with us and less than a month my dad died. I moved them in to help my mother with my dad....so anyway one thing leads to another and now I am just taking care of my mom and I think that I am angry with her because I think that she is why my dad is dead....My husband wants me to look for a therapy group...I don't know any therapy groups that are for I think I hate/blame my mother....any advice???

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Elderly Parent Moving In - Won't go There
by: Vicki

When my husband and I first got married we made the joint decision to NOT have any of our elderly parents move into our home. We are more certain than ever to stick by this.

My mother took both her elderly aunt and father into her home (simultneously for a period of time). This totally changed the dynamics of the home and NOT for the better. My father felt usurped as "King of his Castle" by having his FIL take over that role. My mother mortgaged all of her happiness of her middle-aged years catering to their needs. She is now, at 76, an embittered, depressed compulsive hoarder.

She expects me to justify and validate the mistake she made of giving her life and home over to her elderly relatives by having me do the same. I will not. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I am willing to provide assistance with her care, but not at the expense of my home, marriage, and future state of happiness that I owe to my young adult children. I don't wish them to be saddled with me becoming like my mother.

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Reply to Elderly Parent moving in =====
by: Anonymous

Hang in there, It seems that all children (myself included) have one special parent. Do not feel guilty. It is not intentional but I admit I have always had a special place for one a little more than the other.

I think you are just realizing this more due to the loss of your special mother. Dad can not fill that loss. Only time and understanding can ease the pain. Try to not expect much from him. He sounds like he has had several mental and physical issues and challenges and is trying to heal.

He also probably can not accept that his wife is gone. How sad for him too. Take Dad and do some relaxing things together so that you both can just enjoy each other, and TALK. Listen to him.

Get him to tell you stories of his life and child hood, fond memories, special moments. Try to rekindle the Love that was there. It will never be your Mothers love, but it is still Very Special. Please do not lay blame on anyone or anything since it will never bring her back and can only cause hurt.

Also -get away as often as possible. You still need private time with other family and friends and your privacy. Just go for a walk, look at flowers, read a book, bible verse, or what ever you like to do. You need YOUR Time to unwind from the stress of so MANY CHANGES in your life. You are a Better person for taking on this challenge.

Even if DAD can not express it - HE LOVES YOU.
Best Wishes

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Anger at argumentative/forgetful elderly parent
by: Anonymous

I remodeled my home for my mom and dad to move in. All seemed good and we were happy. They moved in in early February. Dad had had strokes and for all visible accounts, seemed veg-like, but functional. Mom was my life and fun. Mom had a minor stroke mid March. She was doing well. 3 weeks later, she had a massive heart attack which led to massive stroke(s) and died 3 days later. I am devastated.

Expecting a wonderful time with the "burden" of my dad being shared by us, now I have my dad. Here's what's weird. In my devastation, I have seen my dad have some "awakenings". His mentals have sharpened, he can complete his thought and initiate conversation, he is walking better.

These are very good things. I added some "brain food" and the chiropractor to his schedules. He loves things and also with my sister, we got him going to the senior center and added a M-F Scan caregiver - of which he doesn't need he needs. We don't think alzheimer's, but stroke damage has altered memory and thinking processes. He needs reminders to get things done. He remembers he did them, but not that he needed prompting. He's doing so much better.

My problem is feeling like he was a good part of my mother dying due to the stress and anger she felt at him being helpless. Now, my mother could nag with the best of them and she was impatient.

He just "dummied" down, I think. I keep feeling that "over my mother's dead body", he is having a grateful revival. I love(d) both my parents and this is so difficult to feel almost hatred for my dad. He is doing dumb things like closing the doors to "protect the cats" from my grandson, who does not chase the cats. He won't go to bed until the one cat comes in to bed or he gets angry and accusatory at "someone" who just chased him out or some reason. We spit last night over that. Today, he plugged the toilet AGAIN because he doesn't remember to flush a little more often. Then he's trying to plunge it and with one more flush, my whole floor would have been "sewerized".

I have to admit, I am getting angry at him and tell him to just go and sit down. The conversation afterward is that he never plugged up a toilet. Someone else was in there, etc. Well, you get the picture. I just found out my blood pressure was zooming. This is scary. I have good support from my close sister, my further sister is supportive as well. I need a few words or something that helps me behave better when I want to pop my dad in the head. This is not good for either of us. I just feel like I'm going to be the next casualty and I have a lot to live for.

I certainly didn't see this coming with him. He's always been a very placid, calm person, but with his new found "mentals", he feels he's totally competent and able. I need to fight my anger at him, the grief I feel for my mother, and manage to stay in the game myself. Please share any thoughts that might help me be a bigger self. Thanks for listening.

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Elderly Parent Moving In - Changes in Lifestyle

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Elderly Parent Moving In - Changes in Lifestyle