Elderly Parent Mother - My Brothers are Self Centered Jerks

by Diane

I might as well be an only child. I am the youngest and the only girl taking care of my elderly parent. I have had to provide everything - finding a place for my Mom to live, managing her elderly health care, moving her and proving emotional support. I am so angry because I have two older brothers who have no problem dumping everything on me. When I ask for help they just complain and have no idea what I am going through. I really want to just disown them and never speak to either one of them again.

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Same boat but worse?
by: Anonymous

I am youngest of three brothers. Both are well to do financially and live far away. Mom was 95 and living in Florida. All her friends either died or moved back with their kids. My mom was failing... over medicated, over weight, sleeping all day and becoming a shut in.

My wife and I went down, cleaned out her house and moved her to an apartment right next door to us. Through the entire process, my brothers called us crazy for moving her and didn't support the move until three months later when one brother realized it was for the best. The other still thinks it was a bad idea. He wanted her to live with him on his tiny island in the Pacific. Mom did not want to go there.

2 years later, she has thrived and come back to life and has a new life, new friends and is a big deal at the local community center. She has become a star!

My brothers? They come once a year for a day or so, and don't want to see me. However she goes out with them as if everything is wonderful while I sit and stew about being shunned by my brothers AND now my Mom joining in only to get a call from her the next day as if everything is wonderful.

My wife who has given so much of her time and attention is now being labeled the "enemy"... She opened her mouth and let everyone know to stop taking advantage of Mom and understand how much we do for Mom. We are responsible for Mom's "new life". She would have died alone in Florida. Maybe that's what my brothers wanted?

I am heartbroken now and not sure how to deal with Mom who I perceive now as to have taken their POV regardless of how much my wife and I do for her.

I love my Mom but am very hurt by her actions. Not quite sure how to deal with this situation. I am not speaking to my brothers now and don't care to see them. They are slowly poisoning Mom against us and she doesn't (or doesn't want to) see it.

I love my wife and think she is amazing taking Mom in and caring like she has. I am angry at my brothers for treating her this way after 3 decades of giving to my family with open loving arms. I am very angry about that. Perhaps more so than about how I am being treated.

This is bordering on elder abuse. My wife and I are certainly being abused by my brothers and now it seems my Mom too.

What to do... what to do...

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Still hopeful
by: Anonymous

My elderly mother lives with my husband & I. I have put my life on hold for years - taking care of her physical and emotional needs. I love her and want to make her life happy. Yet she is often emotionally abusive and extremely critical.

My twin brother who lives in another city, does very little, visits 2 weeks/year and takes money from our mom - is the golden child. My brother is like my mom - selfish. Yet I am afraid of losing another parent, as I lost my Dad
suddenly. My Dad was a hugger, my mom says not to
hug her. :(

Now my health has been compromised due to
overwhelming STRESS resulting from caretaking. I feel disillusioned as my family have not shown same level of concern for me as I have for them.

My life has become so small & depressing. I am trying to build my life again & hope my health improves.

I never thought that at this age I would have fallen
so far... Best of luck to all ❤️

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Brothers who are ignorant asses
by: Anonymous

Thanks to the one who said carry on. I am the only girl and live in my mothers house. One bro is too far away to be involved but when he is around plays alpha dog.

The one who lives here part time is a total ass. The other tries to help but he has been acting put upon lately.

I do not care what they do but I do care they interfere with a lot of what I do to keep my mom stable. The one who lives here part time mooches food when he can go to the store and get it...he got mad recent because I vacuumed his space and dusted...He has been sick and I was trying to help. He thanked me for apologizing.

It will be a cold day before I do anything else for him and when my mom passes I will be moving out and leaving him to the privacy he demands. I am struggling financially to keep up as I do all the shopping ...without a car.

And have to go to him for funds transfer. He comes here and sleeps the weekend and wants to act like he knows so much about things. I am so angry I loose sleep...which angers me more. I need out yet my mom needs help.

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Frustrating at best
by: Anonymous

Another one here who is on call for elderly parents. Siblings either live too far away or too busy with their own lives.

I used to email updates to my siblings to let them know how my parents are doing. This was until I received an email from one sibling telling me what I was doing all wrong and not to expect them to help because they have 'busy' lives.

For my own sanity, I just carry on helping my parents the best I can and now do not send updates any longer. It isn't worth the stress.

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May as well be an only child
by: Marie

Exactly how I feel!!

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Elderly mother neglected
by: Marie

My mother is 87 and her health is deteriorating now and wonders why her son, my brother, does not visit or phone. He lives interstate and is too busy to do either. He has not seen her for over 12 years. He can find the time of course to go overseas and cruises. I understand they have health issues within their family, including a quadriplegic adult son who lives alone and quite self sufficient. I have had to do everything for my mum, including move her to nursing home with no help from them. Am I wrong to expect some support and visit my mum.???

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Understand you 100%
by: catahoula

I am youngest of 3 sons. Both lawyers. Went to Ivy League university. From dads hard work supported by moms hard work. They gave all 3 of us best possible. Since dads passing they have been worthless.

Once in a while they seem supportive but overall they seem to be "willful asses". Our Father taught us willful behavior very different than non willful, obvious reasons.
Mom has dementia..memory problems..but she remembers poor behavior. Translate that to obvious affronts to her being. What am I to do? Intelligent siblings(not brothers) who purposefully decide to either ignore mom or treat her with obvious disdain.

Make it plain communication with her is an obligation, are angry I enabled her wishes to live and age in home.

It is beyond casual. It is cruel. She may forget things but is not stupid. She realizes their lack of interest an easily sees through calls of obligation which they don't even try to hide.

Almost 0% support of myself or what I do..
Beyond frustrating. It's sorry and immoral. One and his cold callous wife live in eastern europe.

He has been living abroad about 20 years .Made point of visiting my dad as his mind stayed sharp. Obvious disdain for my moms intelligence in comparison.

She feels the slights and it breaks her heart. So sad they WILLFULLY insult her. I have reacted violently(stupid, counter productive and saw lawyer, officer of court, perjure himself. Maybe fooled some but Chief of Police. DID no good as obvious. So what to do? Best for her... I guess is play along W sorry LIES. SAD! I find it inconceivable and sad..Having THERE MM.NOT ALONE
CAT

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WHY?!
by: Anonymous

I can relate to all your stories, I was totally taking care of our mother for years.

Through thick and thin.

My sister is always too busy with her own life as is my brother and wife. They could easily take time to help, but too busy with their lifestyles.

He is POA and it went to his head and takes that over the edge, and has no compassion, him and his wife only care about the money aspect of it, they don't realize what its like to take care of ones mother, to be there all the time.

Don't want to be selfish, but its a tough road.
My hats to anyone out there that is there for their parents, after all they were their for you how many years.

It's the way of the world now and the mentality of the society we live in.
Keep the faith@! and Know you did what you could and be always proud of it!!
Best regards and God bless

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Self-centered male sibling
by: Anonymous

I have a self-centered brother who is moving away at the end of the year whether mom is still alive or not.

She just turned 90, had a stroke, can barely speak and her hearing is 95% gone. He knows I am having a hard time with a recent divorce, having to give up my home, no job, out of money.

He seems to feel above everyone and can't wait to move to a place where everyone is rich, snotty, boring and stuck up, like him (but not rich!).

Plus, I think he wants to move far enough away so he will have an excuse not to be bothered if mom ends up back in the hospital or during an emergency. If he does move away, that'll be the straw the breaks the camels back, and I will not give him any update on mom and tell him not to bother visiting every again.

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Same Here!
by: Anonymous

This is me totally. I have 2 older brothers and I am youngest daughter. I take my mom to doctor appointments-my husband helps my mom with chores.

I don't mind doing these things but it would be nice if my brothers took an interest once in a while. One of my brothers is the biggest self centered jerk ever. Our mother is certainly not his problem-he is newly divorced and she would love to see him every once in awhile but NO....GRRR!!!!

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At my wits end
by: Anonymous

My elderly parents are both alive and in their 80's. They are now starting to sell off everything they own and are asking for our old items as well . This has even extended to demanding from my children as well.

They are doing so because my brother and his wife have not worked in more than 10 years. He owns his own home which they helped purchase. Their explanation is that he needs the help now not when they are dead and it will be my responsibility as their daughter to financially care for them as well as their health care.

No money is to go for nursing homes etc. I am to do the work even if my health isn't good. This is not due to our culture. How far does this new law about legal responsibilities extend?

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Useles siblings, or self centered useless siblings
by: Anonymous

I am the "Peter Brady" of the family or middle child. My mother have or had 5 kids. As soon as oldest sister moved out she never looked back.

After my older brother got into his second marriage he disowned the family. Me and my youngest brother have taken care of my mother ever since and now she is in her 70's.

I have a lot of hate for my older siblings for being such ungrateful morons but I also believe that karma will be the final straw for them.

I am here because of my mother and I will help her in anyway I can. I just cant believe that some people can be so self centered and disgusting.

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Please do not generalize
by: Anonymous

Funny how people seem to view this type of situation. I am one of those talked about brothers who do not communicate if you listen to my sisters. Well, perhaps if people exposed what they were doing with parents money/finances and listened to other family members on wise financial decisions then things would work better for all.

I am sure this is not the case for all but it is in my world. So sisters spent all my moms money then disown her. I am going to see what my attorneys can dig up in her bank statements. So remember. Do not generalize.

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You are Not Alone
by: cindy

I am in the same situation. They don't call or maybe once a month and never come by. I don't understand it at all. My mom wants to see them so bad and treats me and my daughter like garbage.

I am so tempted to say something to them but I don't think they care. If I decide to do more with my life and leave the area, she will have to go into a nursing home, and I don't think they will even go visit. Yes, the boys were always treated better than the girls, but not one of her sons would offer her a glass of water. It is weird how she even sees the postmen or the meter reader as on of the other kids, she will let anyone in because in her mind it is one of them.

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Elderly Parent Caregiver - Youngest and Most Available to Care for Mom.
by: Anonymous

I feel you. I am the youngest of three, and I am a male, single, no kids, and available to care for mom and dad, until dad died in, so now I am at their house caring for mom on my own.

First, it was all me, but now since mom broke her hip, I have gradually brought in caregivers, so now they come every day from 9am to 8pm. The other siblings are just too busy with their lives. They come and visit when the can fit it in their schedules with kids, etc. Never during dinner hour or on Sunday. I just want them to offer to come stay with mom for a few hours, or all day, and do it. Especially at the holidays, take her all day, when I have no help.

I don't want to ask for their help, for fear of rejection, and because it would be for me, not for mom. If she were in better shape, and did not need care, they would offer or spend more time with her. But she is not as sharp or able anymore, and they don't really want to be around her, so let me handle it. If I were my siblings, I would say, "I am going to come and spend the day with mom, you can do whatever you want".

Someday, she will be gone. If I don't go first.

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Elderly parent
by: Anonymous

I have been so frustrated myself with the same situation. My Mom has suffered three strokes since June and then in July she had brain surgery. She is now living with me.

My brother and his family are so absorbed in them selves that they cannot be bothered. He did take her out for three hours on a Saturday afternoon, and only because her cell phone was not working and it was in his name. She had to call and ask him to do so.

My friends and in laws and even my Mother's friends have received hate mail bashing me to death. Trying to make me look like the bad guy! They even went as far as to make prank phone calls to my Mother's 87 year old friend.

They have a car repair business and they use that as their excuse as to why they cannot pitch it.

When my Mother was being released from hospital for the 4th time, I called and asked him if he was going to help out, and he told me that I need to treat him and his wife better. Then he told me I was nuts!

He is more concerned with her house than anything. She cannot live alone and he knows this. He has put up new dry wall, having it painted, and had two dumpsters delivered to her home after her first stroke and practically filled both of them. By the way he bills her for all the work that he has hired people to do. He says he is worried about the resale value of the house. Why because it is in a trust?

It is a very sad situation and he couldn't care less. She has been with me now two months.

I am so stressed! Why are people like this?

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I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!!
by: Anonymous

I have three older brothers and a younger sister,
all of whom never seem to be able to help in mom's care.

I grew up the invisible, middle child. Always criticized when I was noticed. Mom always gave my next to oldest brother the power to discipline.

Now, that same brother, mom's golden child, lives 5 minutes from her and won't even call her. He'll see her a few times a year when my husband and I come out of our way to pick her up and bring her to him.

No financial help, emotional help, NOTHING! He brags that he bought his car for cash and sports a Rolex watch but his wife has the nerve to call me and tell me how they just don't have the money or time to help at all. Oldest brother says to me "have you thought of putting her in a home?"

Third brother seems to have been abducted by aliens. Never hear from him. Sis loves to call me at all hours of the night to vent about what a victim she is. Once she is finished unloading, she disappears until she needs to purge again. I love mom but she is not the mom I had a wonderful relationship with. She is mean and spiteful. It breaks my heart to look at this mean spirited person that looks like my funny, cheerful, lovable mom but does everything to turn my life upside down. I am the only one that ever cared for her and she treats me like dirt. Seriously feeling like dropping the check book and bills at bro's doorstep and saying hasta la vista baby!

When mom is gone someday, I will be too. They all own homes and nice cars while I live with my husband and teenage son in a one bedroom apartment trying to make ends meet. I feel guilty and stupid at the same time when I say that I really hate them!

Hope you will find the help support the peace you so deserve. You are not alone.

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Totally agree!
by: Anonymous

It's been 2 years of care giving for my elderly father. I have even lost my job because Dad had been in and out of the hospital and ER so often and I would have to miss so much time at work.

Soon I will have no income left and I honestly feel like I cannot work. I feel so financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted.

Where did my life go while my brother and the rest of my family move on with their lives. I honestly feel death of myself or my father is the only way I'll ever be free again.

I carry around so much anger and resentment, then guilt for the feelings, it is weighing me down. Finally a couple of weeks ago I sent a letter to my brother telling him exactly what I felt about him including my hatred for him. We will never speak again nor refer to each other as brother and sister.

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Agreed!
by: Anonymous

I feel you 100 percent! Why is it that the women always get the short end of the stick?

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You are right
by: Anonymous

I am in exactly the same situation. I love these people who give advice about how to communicate with your useless siblings. Not only do they not care about mom, they don't care about the daughter taking care of her either. Of course you want to disown them...they have already done that to you. It may sound sad, but sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to realize that your siblings have nothing to offer to mom or you. And, once mom passes on, you can sever the relationship with the siblings.

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