Elderly Father in Law is Demanding ...

by Christina
(California)

First of all..I knew my husband was the caregiver for his parents when I first met him, I thought how wonderful and compassionate of him.


Nine years later his mom has past, but dad needs help from eating to bathing and it is taking a toll on my husbands health and our marriage. His dad (papa) is very needy and demanding, he will call us every 5 minutes for the most minor details..from raising the volume on the television, then calling us to lower it...or to ask what time it is, or who was the guy that hosted the "tonight show" just because he needed to know at that moment...and it's 2am, Papa is also hard of hearing so he will ask 10 times "what did you say?" It gets so annoying we say "never mind" but then he will not stop asking us until he gets an answer..which is usually my husband yelling at him to stop asking questions, papa then tells us "fine! I'll never ask another question again!" Then we feel bad...then 1 hour later he will start asking another question and the whole process starts all over. We are exhausted mentally, physically, and our marriage is on thin ice, I yell at my husband to stop yelling at his dad, and he yells at me "well he can't hear me so I yell!" and I yell again and then papa asks a question and there we go again....

It's so hard, I feel so robbed of my life, I cannot go anywhere with my husband alone, because of his father, then I feel ashamed of myself for wanting time alone. My own mom and dad are still in the working force so they don't need this kind of help, yet...I get worried on what will happen when that time comes, will I never have time for my own family or myself? Then I feel ashamed, again.

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Same Issue
by: Anonymous

I feel the same about my father-in-law. He's consumed every part of my husband's life. I've moved out of the house.

The man is 89, has one problem after another and keeps going. My husband is exhausted but he feels obligated now that his mom's gone, and I feel resentful and bitter and can't even look at the man. am I a bad person?

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I've resigned from caring for my mother in law
by: Anonymous

I can understand perfectly. My mother in law lives in a granny flat with us and because my husband works away I have gradually become her main carer with some ladies coming in to help as well since she came out of hospital last year to wash and dress her. I also have three children ages ranging 15,12 and 6 and work part time in a school. She is 85, only walks short distances inside with a frame, needs a wheelchair to go out, is little, frail and dependent.
However mentally she has changed into a woman I no longer like. As happy as a sand boy when all the attention is on her and shes getting her way. When things happen that she doesn't like or she feels ignored she can be horrid. Manipulative, selfish, complaining dreadfully about one person and absolutely loving another which can change. She is a handful. Yet face her with it and she will deny things, twist things and play the innocent martyred party.
Her position is a very fortunate one but I don't think that she has ever appreciated it.
It has really been affecting my health and stress levels. My daughter moved to her friends house while she took her GCSE exams to get away from it all and I finally had enough and ran away with the kids to stay at my sisters last weekend to get some distance. This helped me to think clearly and made me realize I have done my best in these years she has been with us but enough is enough.I have resigned, canceled the carers allowance which has always made me feel obligated and which she has used against me and told social services that I am having to step away from the situation.
I'm not sure how its going to be once all the things I have been doing don't get done. But its time for me to say Ive finished. There has to be a cut off point doesn't there? Especially when the effect of one person can be so detrimental to those around them.

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