Elderly Caregiver - Burned out!

by Marianne

Been care giving to both my parents now 5 years...dad finally passed in February, mom is now bedridden and completely helpless. I work full time and try and do the best I can.

I have such resentment that I do this all without help from my brother, as he seems to not get it...or he sees it, and is just in denial. I am angry that 5 years of my life have been in the care giving role, and everything I have wanted to do is put on hold.

It will be a blessing when my mom passes, as she is just existing, and is not really living, has to be diapered, fed, and cleaned by myself or someone(she is on hospice)it is an exhausting time in my life, and I hope and pray when she is gone, I can heal from all of this...

I pray the guilt, resentment and anger will go away and I can then live a better life in taking care of myself. Care givers are truly an over looked group of people who don't have the emotional support and help they really need.

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It's not over when they die
by: Anonymous

Looked after my Mum for 8 years (Alzheimer's ) very little help or time off, passed away in Nov.2015.

That's not the end, the guilt... did I do enough,dealing with funeral arrangements, bills,etc. I was 24/7 so no work.

Mum paid me so lucky there and I had no mortgage or dependents. But... trying to get back into the real world is difficult... need a holiday but can't afford one,zero confidence feeling depressed,unless one has been a carer they don't understand.

I loved my Mum, looked after her to the best of my ability, she's gone..... but it's not over. Take care .

Totally burned out!
by: Anonymous

Your post mirrors my life. I've been my mom's caregiver for 3 1/2 years, the last two she has been paralyzed on her right side and cannot talk or walk. She depends on me for her every need. I also work 48 hours a week.

As soon as I walk in the door the daytime caregiver leaves. I have 5 siblings, one takes care of the finances, but other than that I get no help or support. Only one sibling understands what I'm going through, as he and his wife took care of her mom until she passed. I feel alone, taken advantage of and completely burned out.

When I told my sister this (who takes care of the finances) she said it would be too hard on my mom to be in a nursing facility and maybe I just needed a break once in a while!

Although she has never once helped me with the daily care of my mom, none of my siblings have. What about me?! I can't do this anymore. I have given up my entire life. I take care of my mom and work...that's it. I have kids of my own too. This has become an extreme burden.

I never imagined two years ago that I would still be doing this. How do I get my family to understand I can't do this anymore and that arrangements need to be made for her care.

This is my mom's house that we live in, I've actually thought about just moving out and then my sister would have to actually face facts and make other arrangements for my mom's care. I'm becoming emotionally detached. I can't live with this stress.

Medicare will not Pay
by: Anonymous

I wish people would stop spreading erroneous information. Medicare will NOT pay for nursing home care except a limited number of days; something like 20.

Some people have too many assets that they co-own with their parents to qualify for Medicaid. We're supposed to give up our careers and lives to care for our parents, and many of us do, only to be faced with the prospect of being homeless in order to get them into a home or do it ourselves at the cost of our health, financial health, and our own lives. I'm burned out and feel like my dad is killing me with this.

The politicians who make these policies don't care because they have the money to care for their parents. I don't really relish the thought of sleeping in my car after 15 years of this and the last 6 being an absolute nightmare.

I know people mean well when they say put them in a home, get help in, etc., but for some of us it's not an option unless we'd like to be out on the streets after doing something year after year other people get paid $6,000 per month for.

I don't think children who care for their parents on their own should have to face destitution and homelessness because they had no choice but to care for their elderly parents.

I'm also sick of hearing from what few friends I have left about all of the things they get to do. Great for you, but how about some compassion for those of us who have to do this? How about not bragging your job allows you to buy insurance for your mother. I haven't been able to work in 15 years because this is my full time, unpaid job that offers no benefits.

If you do care giving full time people think you live a life of leisure. My nights aren't even my own to sleep as he wakes me up at all hours.

That's after I've got him to bed so I can do more laundry and cleaning. If he doesn't kill me first I think I should be entitled to have a roof over my head in my 60s.

You are So Right
by: Anonymous

I have been caring for my mother for the past 5 years. I have been experiencing much of the same resentment, anger, frustration and sense of loss of self that you have. I also feel the loss of my siblings as they have proven to be less than understanding or helpful.

Reading these entries from others who are experiencing the same overwhelming and mixed and frightening emotions I am helps me a great deal...it helps me realize that the problem is not ME but the situation. I AM NOT AN EVIL PERSON because I feel the way I do..

I have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts and all at the same time..it makes me feel there is something very weak and wrong with me but after reading the entries from these REAL caregivers, it helps me realize that what I am experiencing is very normal and really okay...it gives me strength. I want to thank you for posting your thoughts.

Thank you
by: Anonymous

I really appreciate your comments....it is such a lonely time being a caregiver...I never thought people would not want to be around much....I think death does something to everyone....very sad time for me....getting ready to take a 6 week leave from work, I am just praying my mom will pass during this time....I am just about out of money and hope....she is very close, but continues to hang on.

Elder Care Burn Out - Amen!
by: Anonymous

Amen. I sympathize. We lost our Dad in February also and Mama is in a nursing home. Between the three girls(left), 2 are local to the nursing home and I am an hour away.

We take turns going by to see that they are treating her well and we have had to voice our opinions more than once. She has one of us to come by daily. She can sit up, but has to be changed and can still feed herself.

I only visit weekly since I am an hour away. Medicare pays for everything as she and Dad exhausted all they had long ago on previous caregivers. Once you are broke, Medicare does take care of everything. If she is out of money, try to file so they can help if you have not already. I suppose you have because of Hospice. Best wishes.

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