Elder Care - Sibling gets Better Treatment but Doesn't do Anything

I battle a lot of anger and resentment because I do everything for my mother yet am not treated very well.

My mother treats my sister much better despite the fact that she doesn't do a thing for her. My mother is often critical, controlling, and difficult. She spoiled my sister as a child and overly focused her to the point of somewhat neglecting me. My sister was the youngest and had a few health issues, so my mother babied her. She also expected me to be responsible for my sister since I was older. Over time, this caused my sister to lean on me a lot.

In adulthood my sister grew up expecting everyone to help her and spoil her. Now that she's married and gave my mother grand kids, my mother treats her like some sort of queen. I never married nor had children and don’t have the “clout” with my mother that my sister has. My mother will not listen to me, won't apologize when she hurts me, is self absorbed about her health issues, isn't interested in my life, my job, or my plans, goals and dreams, and is often very critical, complaining, and difficult. She does things like calling me by my sister's name, not greeting me when I come in the door, or ordering me around like I'm a maid. I've tried to talk to her about these things but she says that I am making all of this. She never has remorse when I am hurt.

Naturally because my sister married and moved away, I am the daughter who was left to take care of
my mother. My sister only rarely comes to visit, usually just for holidays. I am holding down a full time job and spend most of my free time helping my mother or taking care of my own needs. I can handle the caregiving tasks that I have but the emotional baggage is another story.

I have found that generally our society does not provide emotional support to caregivers of elderly parents. Many people hate their parents so whenever they hear that I am taking care of my mother, they usually say things like "make her take the free van service to her appointments" or "isn't it time for the nursing home". They rarely give me any good advice about the emotional issues I have. I have had to tune them out. I am not going to stop taking care of my mother because of her ways, out of love and spiritual values, but I would like to grow stronger regarding my emotional pain. I would like not to take her behavior so personally and would like to detach more from it. I need to focus on other things a little more and not so much on her, but it is hard because I am forced to spend a lot of time with her and it rubs off on me so much. There are some days that I leave her house crying in frustration.

As I said, it is not the tasks that bother me but the way she treats me sometimes. There is no support from society for what I'm doing. People just tell me not to help her but that's not an option.

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Walk Away
by: Anonymous

I had the same situation and I walked away. Now I just visit..same as sibling used to do, and still does.

I am still being treated badly by my elderly parent when I visit. The other sibling is treated like a queen,when she visits, (only now, when my parent is close to death.) She is only interested in getting what she thinks she is entitled to when my parent dies.

I've lived near my parents for over 40 years. My sibling moved away 40 years ago and is quite well off, but always insisted, that my parents paid for her visits home,(very few, in 40 years) even in her sixties.

I still struggle with the absurdity of it all.

Frustrated with my Mother
by: Anonymous

I have a similar problem. My Mom is not mean to me but she has Alzheimer's and my Brother lives in another state and provides no help at all. All she ever says is how I got so much and he hasn't got anything I have been running her around and busting my butt for over three years and he has done nothing.

I don't think that the car she gave me was not deserved I busted my butt going out of state moving her near me and keep having to go out of state to deal with her house that won't sell.

Again my Brother does nothing. It's starting to get to me I want to do the right thing but I'm starting to resent it.

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