Elder Care Downsize & Move, Financially Manipulative Elderly Parent Mother

I recently moved my Mother out of a 5500 sq ft house. It was packed to the rafters. Downsizing took my husband, daughter and two hired ladies two+ weeks working nonstop.


Hard labor, cleaning, as well at the advice of the estate sales person. Mom did zip. She knew two years ago, she wasn't going to be able to stay, she did nothing. She was involved in a long lawsuit with her former housemates' hideous adult children. She sat and acted like a Princess, giving lip service and nothing else.

After a room was cleaned and prepped for the house sale, she'd go back in and start pulling things out and dropping them on the floor. Annoying!! Yes. After cleaning out eleven closets and five dressers, her "moving boxes" were ready. She had packed none, cleaned nothing and reorganized zip. She'd go on at length how some item could go to resale or vintage clothing sale, until I could scream. There was no time.

The movers arrived & loaded her up, we moved her into her apartment. I had blown a week off at the trial and the two weeks to get her moved. She had 30 days, and didn't lift a finger.

Siblings? I have one blood sister, she has never helped to do a thing ever. Other times when Mom had surgery or was sick, zip. She's too far away. Yea, right. I live 500 miles away and have footed the bill at my own expense. The last time charming sister "visited", she went around pointing out what she wanted when Mom died. Charming.

During the process, Mom, was always ready to go out to eat and tell anyone/waiter who'd listen the story of her "move". She'd groan and complain of her arthritis to the point of being embarrassing to herself.

Knowing full well none of this was free, Mom never offered one dime towards the downsizing, movers or dinner. She lied to me about her monthly income and put on a pity party. But she had money to shop. High priced cosmetics,manicures and pedicures. I found her bank statements and checked her deposits. All her noise, wasn't adding up. Sure enough, she was receiving $600 per month more than she'd told me. I was livid. It was an attempt to manipulate me into paying for the services at the apartment complex. I told the leasing agent behind her back, "She's signing the lease and paying for it, not me. She has her own income and this is her apartment." Thankfully, he understood.

I had gone home to setup being gone from work and get my pet sitter situated. My daughter took her back to sign the paper work. Mom gave the man a post dated check and asked him to hold it.

Before move in, we went back. He went over the paperwork and asked, "Is it okay to run your check?" Mom deliberately tuned him out. I got her attention, and asked. She was quite stunned. I'd paid the movers, downsizing ladies and bought a new bed for her apartment. She'd lied to me about her income and turned a blind eye to all the expenses, including her attorney. I wasn't going to bite this too. NO I WASN'T going to pay the rent. She was shocked. After she was set up, we left to go finish preparing the house for the sale. She called, she wanted her car keys, to go to the hairdresser. My daughter had inadvertently ended up with her keys. I suggested, try the salon at the complex. Oh no, she'd wait. We didn't go back for two days. It was a blessed relief from hearing her yammer.

She's in her apartment, the sale is over. I haven't gotten the check yet on the sale. She's attempting to spend the sale money. I have told her, the money has to go to her attorney. She's stunned. She thought the attorney would wait even longer and she'd have the cash.

No, I was not the favorite daughter, nor the eldest. I am the youngest. I work full time. I ended up with this chore because I was stupid.

My sister will not lift a finger but I anticipate a fight, when she finds out there's nothing left. My sister is the eldest, and the favorite. She was the talented one, the pretty one. Mom always told stories of how pretty she was as a child and such a gifted artist. I was the fat little book worm. We both graduated from college. My sister married and has rarely worked outside her home.

Her talent: finding a man stupid enough to support her.

No, I will not go visit for Thanksgiving and I have no vacation time left for Christmas. I highly resent being lied to and cheated. I feel like she's ripped me off with her lies, conceit and shopping addiction. She's stunned I'm angry.

I am done.

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elderly mothers manipulative so called friends
by: djteel

Mom couldn't pay rent anymore so moved in with me. We live in the same 55+ community. Her so called friends are constantly calling APS and manipulating her to trust their opinion and decisions, slowly undermining mine and my sisters influence,and literally taking control of her..my mother sent my sister $1000.00 to help her pay for a washer and dryer that died.her friends didn't like this at all,& 'encouraged' her to transfer her bank account to a "closer" bank.

Why?

Turns out her 'friend' had intentions, of persuading my mother to sign over control of paying the bills and account in general to her.

These 'friends' believe my mother doesn't 'know' what she's doing,when nothing could be further from the truth.can my sister and i file charges against these people for what they're doing?my mother isn't mentally unfit,just 91 and gullible.

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I get it
by: Suzy

I hear you and am living it. My story is with 2 useless brothers and their useless wives and a mom who manipulates me because I am a nurse.

I am over it. My husband is over it. I have spent the last 3 plus years trying to troubleshoot her co-morbidities and am too tired and too unappreciated to continue. I have cared for her while dad died, sold and sorted through a house with over 50 years of stuff.

All the while I have tried to observe this. Comfort, Respect, Dignity and Safety. I wish she had loved me as much as I have loved her. Sometimes you just have to move on.

I am brokenhearted but dying a bit every day with her abuse.

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Going Through a Very Similar Situation
by: Anonymous

My mom hasn't worked steadily since she was 40. She's now 65 and living at her sister's house. I tried to have her live with me and my fiance for a period but it was a nightmare.

Now she's pissy with me because I don't want to talk to her and its because she always wants something from me, be it money or to listen to her complain. I'm done too. Been paying out probably minimum $5K/year for over 10 years for her constant crises.

Now I pay for her medical care and that's it (and she still complains that I was paying the wrong bill because she gave me the wrong information. It's maddening. I too am done.

It's totally not fair that because they are our "Mothers" they try to manipulate us. That is not a mother's right.

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Getting Burned Out
by: Anonymous

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for one sibling to be doing it all. And yes, I feel it is simply because I am a women that this responsibility has fallen completely on my shoulders. Although my brother lives in the area, he rarely visits and never offers to do anything to help. I am tired, and I have tried to get my mother to agree to let me bring in some help, but she insists it is not necessary. Believe me, it is.

I am in the middle of the well known sandwich kids and parent. I also have a husband who has been very supportive, but I do not feel that it is fair that we make all the sacrifices.

I am not sure what to do at this point. I feel responsible and continue to do what I must, but it is taking its toll on me and my family,

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you are amazing
by: Anonymous

How did you find the strength to do it all!!
I think you are amazing. I have this road ahead of me ... but I'm the only child, however, she never liked me much, I was not pretty enough and never landed a man lol.
Yes, you must walk away, hold your head high.
You did a herculean feat. I hope you will soon recover and move on. Good luck

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Elderl Care - Know the feeling
by: Anonymous

We must be sisters!

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Elder Care - No I Am Not Sweet
by: Anonymous

Elder Care - No I Am Not Sweet.

Get it done? Yes. Feel good about it? NO.

I feel angry, resentful, ripped off, manipulated by her and societies assumption that Mother equates to good. It's been a life time of "take care of your Mother", since I was 13. I am worn out with it, fed up and don't give a damn. She is not special. She did not give up squat for me. She has always come to me with a hand out, despite having a good income.

I resent her attitude that this latest fiasco is in any part my burden. She is not incompetent, she's a manipulative drama queen, who's hypochondria has spanned decades.

No more cries of Wolf, the dog catcher isn't coming.

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Elder Care - don't blame you
by: ann4646

Elder Care - don't blame you

Well, you are right. You can't continue to be her punching bag. It's sad she doesn't realize what a wonderful daughter she has. You've done all you can. Take a long bubble bath.

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Elder Care - She has called ranting
by: Anonymous

Elder Care Downsize & Move

She has called ranting for me to call her attorney. Her key no longer works at the house. She is calling a locksmith. She called the police. Her 30 days were up and she's trying to access the house. Nothing I say sinks in. Guess my next trip without pay will be to put her in lock down. What a waste having moved her into a decent apartment.

Next day she calls, "Oh, I'm sorry, guess you were right. I talked to XXX, he told me. I just hadn't had any coffee in two weeks and nothing to eat." YEAH right. She had plenty of food in the fridge and freezer.

My daughter saw her less than a week ago, and she was drinking coffee. She just wanted me to jump because "she called". Big mistake. I am not jumping.

I waited four days and wrote her a letter. I sent a spread sheet of my out of pocket expenses. I hope she digests it and pays her rent on time.

I have gotten a check from the estate sale. It won't cover what I'm out. It won't cover one quarter of her legal bill. I will send her a Xerox of the statement and a letter stating I've paid it all to her attorney. I will not answer her calls.

I am not her punching bag.

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Elder Care -- You're sweet
by: ann4646@hotmail.com

It's just your nature to get things done and do the right thing. You did a good thing. You're not stupid.

My sister and I have issues too. Some are the same issues you have with your sister. It's done. Nobody is going to change. They are what they are. I've decided to take nothing out of my moms house and that decision feels good. It is a freeing feeling.

You can feel good about the fact that you are who you are, you take care of business and you love your Mother so you did what any responsible person would have done. Believe me, once your mother is gone, you will feel really good about how you handled the situation. After all, you are the one who has to live with yourself.

Your sister knows what she did and she has to live with herself. You can go to sleep feeling good about yourself and that, is worth its weight in gold.

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