Elder Care - Brother and Sister-in-Law are Users...

by Helena

My brother Billy (42) and sister-in-law Sarah (38)constantly ask Mom - 75 extremely frail, who lives with me - for lots of financial help. They bought a very expensive house they cannot afford (They couldn't even get a loan - Sarah's parents co-signed the loan). In return they do next to nothing for Mom. Sarah hasn't seen nor spoken to Mom in over a year and a half (not even for her birthday or Christmas) and Billy has visited maybe four or five times despite the fact they live only an hour away.

In the past ten years they have not spent one single solitary holiday with her, nor her birthday, nor did they go to any of her multiple surgeries - back, eyes, hand.. or take her to the doctor when she was extremely sick for 2 years etc...

They have two young sons, Mom wasn't invited to any of their birthdays - not even the first ones. Sarah's parents are always invited - though they live three hours away. When I ask Billy for help he yells at me and tells me he has his own life.

I love my Mom, she is very sweet (everyone likes her - she has never had a problem with anyone), but I am a single Mom, working and going back to school and sometimes I just flat out feel overwhelmed - and angry at my brother.

Mom has some small rental properties, which gives her enough money to live on but there is always work (lately had roof leak, paid for repairs, leaking again- seems roofer didn't really fix anything - have to take roofer to court to get money back...), insurance, taxes etc. that needs to be done, which is left to me. When I told my brother that I am afraid that the money will run out at the rate it is being spent - he told me I should just sell the properties... He is also mad that Mom gives me money for her bills, utilities(she insists on paying) and food etc. He thinks that if I get money so should he. I have begged him to look at the books - he'd find out he spends a whole lot more.... It isn't so much about the money but I am so sick of how greedy and disrespectful they are to Mom - yet they seem to think she is their personal bank. Mom is so afraid that my brother will completely stop speaking to her that she always gives in to his requests. Thanks for letting me vent.

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Elder Care - Heartbreaking!
by: jb England

What an awful situation! you must be at your wits end! I'm sure that there are legal solutions to this issue, but I guess the frustration and anger are hardest for you?

Some people are just users and there is no point trying to rationalize it, it's cruel, childish and greedy but heartbreaking too!

Have you dared to have an honest conversation with your mum? what would she actually loose if she had no further contact with your brother? Chances are she has already realized that there is an issue here and she might be relieved to discuss it openly?

Take pride in what you have done, not everyone has the ability to do what you do but don't try to be too selfless. Your mums living expenses are priority, whether she lives with you or in supported accommodation or full time care, gifts to distant family members are a luxury, not an obligation! Stand up for yourself! you deserve the recognition!

Elder Care - Your Mom
by: Janet

Another thing. Don't tell your brother that you are getting the POA. He will only cause you more problems. My Dad chose not to tell my sisters what he was doing and they all resent it. But that is their problem -not mine. Good Luck.

Elder Care - Your Mom First Comment
by: Janet

1st of all if she is with you then you need to get her POA and put a stop to your brother wasting her money. Her money should be for her care and NO ONE should get a dime until after she is gone. I know how hard it is for you. I am in same situation.

3 sisters that do nothing to help but I have my Dad's POA and they don't get a dime until after he is gone (if there is anything left). Take care of yourself first. That is the most important thing you can do for you and your mother. And remember no matter how hard it gets you are doing what is best for your Mom. I promise you will not be sorry for it one day. Now go get that POA and take charge of your Mom.

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