Elder Care Anger - Only Right Choice

by Jon
(Wilbraham, Ma)

Elder Care Anger -

Only Right Choice

I am a 50 year old military contractor who works in Afghanistan and Iraq. Last January while deployed outside Baghdad it became apparent that my 87 year old mother was sick and wasn't doing well at home. I made a call to the American Red Cross and they sent a volunteer to check on her.

My mom was crawling to get around the house, had very little food and was out of pet food for her cat, dog and birds. My brother a daily drinker lives about an hour from her and let her spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and her birthday alone. My older brother in Florida (my mom lived in mass), is self centered and whipped by his over bearing wife, also did little for her in her waning years.

After calls to neighbors and the town paramedics I had my mom taken to the emergency room all accomplished from Baghdad and was on a flight home.

Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma.

I did the only thing that I could do I resigned from my job and took on the sole role of caregiver. Years ago, I was a useless drunk and an addict.
With out her I still would be, I more than owed her.
She bravely took the chemo and looked like she had beat it. Six weeks later, it was back and she then took on a clinical trial and again thought that the cancer was getting better. But alas the cancer took her on Oct 31, 2009 10 months later.

I still cannot face or speak to my brothers for treating this wonderful woman like a throw-away and for my drunken younger brother, and wife for taking over her beach cottage with out even offering to take her there when she so missed it.

At moms funeral I stood back at the graveside by my car and didn't make any attempt to hide my disdain and contempt for my brothers and in-laws and their normal behavior.

Mom's homes are empty to me as all I see is just stuff...while the buzzards now have begun to split her things up. I have come to the realization that I have no family and only wish the worst for these leeches. I guess that I'm ranting but I just needed to get this off my chest, I realized I have a lot of anger over Mom's final years and along with it the guilt that I didn't do more my self.

So am I nuts?

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Elder Care Anger - Respect
by: concerned England

Not sure if you will ever read this but I wanted to give you my respect and admiration. You are clearly a person of courage, with a sense of honor and duty, sadly not everyone has those qualities and it is hard, but necessary, to acknowledge that.

You had love and respect for your mum and did what you could, don't beat yourself, or your siblings, up. You took your decisions because you have a code, maybe others are unable to see those things but you should congratulate yourself that you did what was right at the time, never regret your actions and try to forgive those who did not have your strength of character.

I hope that you can move on with your life and feel proud of what you did, instead of anger for what others didn't do.....

Elder Care Anger-Only Right Choice
by: Diana

I struggle with the selfish behavior of 4 of my siblings (thankful for my twin sister) and cannot wrap my mind around the lack of concern they show for OUR 83 yr.old father.

Although he can be difficult, he has also been there for any of us who needed him. Funny how it was always the lazy, greedy siblings content to let him "rot" that have their hands out. I've tried to "reach them" always using a gentle approach, for many (15+) years. I've given up on ever counting on them and try and keep focus on my father, as I don't want any regret. Some people are givers and some are just takers.

I admire the love and loyalty you gave to your mother and wish you peace. I too, want to thank you for your bravery and service.

Thanks ...me too
by: Anonymous

I totally understand how you feel because once my parents are gone, I do not wish to have a relationship with either sister.

They have both hurt me so much during these past 10-12 years that I want nothing to do with them once my elderly parents are gone. I have to deal with them now and I do a good job of acting. I have to do that tomorrow for the holiday dinner..... we are having to celebrate my Dad's 88th birthday. I will just play nice until it is all over.

Thanks for serving our country and being the one to step up and take care of your Mom. They both take lots of courage.

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