Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!

[?] Subscribe To This Site

Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!

by Ruth
(Virginia)

My mom (90) has lived with me (50) and my family for 6 months each year for 15 years then a 1 1/2 years ago she moved in for good. She had to. She was living alone and and had become so sick I didn't think she would live. So I, being the good daughter, moved her in.

Hello mother, goodbye me. I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out woman I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the youngest of 10 kids and NO one helps! No seriously, not one of them help me. When I try to tell them I need a break all I hear is "I don't know what your problem is. We think she's precious. We'd take her in a minute but she wants to be with you." My response "please, oh please do. Take her! At least for a while."

I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?

She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she justs sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her. She always has something for me to do and I pray every day one of my siblings will just come get her and take her away. The worst thing, the thing that eats me with guilt - there are days I wish God would take her home to heaven so I don't have to do this anymore. Admitting these thoughts makes me feel like a monster...

Comments for
Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!

Average Rating

Click here to add your own comments

Rating

Just Do It
by: metoo

What was your parent doing at your age? Go on, think about it. They weren't caring for their parents, were they?

Take your courage in both hands, take your parent to a care home, take your life back - and take care of YOURSELF. They've had theirs. Don't feel guilty about having yours....why should you?

Rating

So sad, but so frustrated.
by: Anonymous

I am in the UK, my mum is 82, and I feel I am coming to the end of my tether with my mum. She is ill from atrial fibrillation, COPD, low blood pressure and renal problems that makes her fall and she ends up in hospital. Her latest fall led her being in hospital for six weeks where she had excellent care with help to get mobile by using walking aids and wheel chairs and then afterwards has eight weeks of care at home via the NHS, three times a day to make sure she was coping and using all the FREE walking aids.

However, my mum still thinks she will get better, so all help we put in place is slowly being refused. She hides her falls from the family and her carers, even hiding a nasty cut on her arm. It is so frustrating that all the advice the health professionals and we give her is ignored as she thinks her heart, lungs, kidneys, blood pressure will get better, and she will be walking around like a spring chicken.

Today, I asked if she was using her walker aid, but no she is using a walking stick again, something the physiotherapists said she should not use as it would guarantee she would fall again and hurt herself, as she cannot stop herself with her hands. When I asked her why she just said, ?When will you stop bullying me about it.?

I love my old Mum but she makes me so stressed. I really do think she is stupid about the help there is for her, which she just refuses that I think I will just have to walk away from being bothered about her mobility and falls. However, I know if she falls and she sets off the alarm in her warden controlled apartment and has to go into hospital again she will expect the family to be there and we will have to go through the stupid charade all over again about her mobility and care.

Rating

All things come to an end
by: Anonymous

Never realized how many people are in this boat (or shall I say ship)! There is much great advise given to you in these posts. Hang in there.

Read and take some of the advise....but know that God will never abandon you....even though you feel you are in the dark. I found myself escaping by sleeping (going to bed very early).

At times I can't eat, or read, or watch TV, or do anything. Too stressed! But you will find that amazingly things will unfold, help will come in the most bizarre way. Right now my mom is sooooo mad at me. Long Long story. I've been her caregiver for many years.....at her place, then my place, at assisted living, med/pschy unit, now skilled care.

I can't write too much now because in the core of my very being, I hurt for her, I hated her having to go to skilled care, though it is a nice place...medicaid unit. But when she looks like a mad woman,and yells at me, and pleads to take her home, I want to cry and run and never come back.

My feelings are too raw right now.....but I know God is with me and will hold me tight. I close my eyes and envision him holding my mother in his arms, and loving her unconditionally. I will lift you in prayer, along with all the others I've read about.

Rating

I am going through a similar situation
by: Anonymous

I am so glad to read your post. I don't mean I'm glad for what you're going through, but for the fact that I see I'm not alone. I'm an only child (age 49), my father passed away more than 20 years ago and my mother's health has been declining the last 5 years or so (dementia, arthritis).

She's in her late 80s and she and I have always been super close, even more so after my dad died. In the last year I ended up quitting a job I really liked, with the help of a supportive husband, and we moved her in with us. I would never have begun to imagine the level of resentment I've built up these months from having to do this 24/7.

A few years after my husband and I were married his two teenage kids moved in with us and it was very stressful for a few years. Now they've grown up (into terrific adults, I must say) and out of the house and now my mom's here. This is going to sound INCREDIBLY selfish, but we are a very social couple who love to travel, get together with friends, etc., and now we're home bound except for those occasional times I pay an exorbitant fee to have someone "babysit" mom for a few hours. It's taking a toll on my husband, too. She takes frequent naps, but not quite long enough for me to actually get anything done around the house or take an entire shower and get dressed before she's up again shouting "Is anybody home???"

I can feel the hairs on my neck stand up every time I hear her bang her bedroom door open and she wheels herself out. My level of guilt is awful and I'm ashamed to say I sometimes take it out on mom by reprimanding her for getting up before I was ready for her and that kind of thing. She has some hearing loss that she won't admit, but asks me to repeat everything I say, then 5 minutes later she'll ask the same things again, over and over. I've prayed for more patience and kindness, but I'm not sure what to do.

I pop a Xanax once in a while to calm myself, but I don't want to become dependent. I feel like I have a character flaw that I never realized I had and that I'm losing my mind. I'm bitter, angry, don't sleep well and have gained weight over the last few months. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

We have a local Alzheimer's support group, but it meets at a time when I don't have anyone to watch mom for me. I do have an aide from a home health agency who comes a few hours twice a week so that I can get out to the grocery store, run errands, etc., and that's pretty much my source of sanity right now...

Rating

Hang in There
by: Anonymous

Every one has written such great things there is little left to say except that you are not alone.

What you have tried to do for your mother is difficult at best. Don't beat yourself up. May I also add that God is always there to rescue us when we can't rescue ourselves. Pour your heart out to him and then reread some of these thoughtful comments to your situation. I agree that you can't keep this up. You are human, and that is a wonderful thing to admit. Be real with your family and tell them how you feel, then if you have to make a difficult decision,they can't come back and say,"But you never told us". I feel for you. You are a wonderful daughter and human being to try so very hard. :)

Rating

Hang tough!
by: Anonymous

I just posted a similar post. I hate that you are going through this but I am glad I read your post. I also feel like a monster.

My mom has only been with me for 3 months now and I hate taking care of her. I want to spend time with her not time taking care of everything. If I could afford a nursing home I would do it in a New York minute. That way I could visit her.

One of the many problems I have is that she will not ask for help because she does not want to bother me. But all that does is make her bother me more because she waits until she hears me heading up the stairs to do stuff I need to and then she interrupts me. ARGHHHHHHHHHH. I hope you get relief soon.

Rating

Elder Care Guilt
by: Anonymous

I have had my 85 year old mother living with me and my husband for over a year now. I'm 52 my kids are raised and living in there own apartments, but still need financial help which I can do for now.I work full time as a RN taking care of people all day, the last thing I want to do when I come home is take care of someone.

My mom can get around okay and is home during the day by herself, but it is up to me every week to take her to the store, MD appointments etc(she no longer drives) I get tired up having my days off planned around her.I to have feeling of guilt about this, we miss having the house to ourselves and having to always be thinking of someone else.I miss the days of coming home and not thinking of anyone else for awhile.

How many years will this go on??? I can't think too much about that as it would be to depressing

Rating

Feel like a Monster
by: Anonymous

You are not alone. I am in a similar situation with my mother. I share the same shameful feelings and spend time fantasizing about what my life would be like without her. Under the stress we are under it's no surprise we have these thoughts and feelings.

The only difference in my situation is that my mother used to be a lovely woman she is 75 now and has turned into a selfish and angry old woman that puts herself before everyone else and manipulates me to get what she wants. Be glad that your mother is kind to you. Helping and looking after an angry and controlling elder parent is a nightmare.

My brother is useless and selfish as well. Perhaps that's why they get on so well. Best wishes and prayer to you.

Rating

Save Yourself
by: Anonymous

Put your mother, who is unsound mentally, in the car and take her to a nursing home. She needs professional care and you cannot throw your life away. I don't care if some people think this sounds cold. It is actually the only answer that makes any sense at all. I hope you can find funding to take her out of your life. It is wrong what is being done to you. I wish you strength to do this and the best of luck.

Rating

Pacing
by: Anonymous

Did you say she is 90?
She has 9 other children.

How long do they expect her to live?
The time to enrich her life is now.
Take a three month period and time in
Breaks.
Extra carers.
They have to help you.
You can only keep going with frequent and complete breaks.
If nobody else will do it ask them to organize the Respite or in-house care at their expense.

Now is the time to plan
Short term goals..i.e., extra carers and breaks for you
Medium term. Any day-care facilities? Respite?
A regular carer coming in who can stimulate her interest a bit. She needs some variety and the chance to still bond with other people. It will also help reduce the emotional load on you and then you will there for her and planning her needs for longer.

The fact that that your mother is 'only happy' with you sounds like a cop-out and emotional blackmail on the part of others. Plain mean to dump all the problem on the baby of the family too.

Long term planning needs to be engaged in. Who can size up facilities and ask around about the best options. A lot of homework needs to be done.
Aim to have have some commitments from others by October and further plans for February. This situation cannot just drag on.

In a drawn out situation with my own mother (Alzheimer's...now in full time care) I was impressed by the quality of expertise there is out there if you can only access some of it..and the quality of third party care. Luckily my mother is still sociable which makes it easier.

Establishing connections in new situations at any age is difficult. We all need a variety of people in our lives.
You should not have to bear this situation alone and shame on selfish siblings who will not take their share of the responsibility.

From what I hear this is common.

Of course you love your Mum and have done so much for her. You are just human and not a machine or a computer. Caring is demanding on all levels and can be completely draining.

I used to feel it was like having a heavy wardrobe fall on you and pleading for help from a sibling or government aid or whatever. You can feel so trapped, frustrated and angry.
"The more you do, the more they will let you do" a Day Care Manager told me.

Rating

Elder Care Anger - You Can't do it all and Then, Work Outside of Taking Care of your Elderly Parent.
by: Carol

You are not a monster...just a human being who needs a break and your siblings should be ashamed of themselves.

They could take your mother out or keep her for a weekend...any amount of time to give you a chance to hold onto yourself.

If you can afford to have a caregiver come in for a day or two, that would help immensely.

Please point out to your siblings that she is their mother too and to expect just one of her children to do it all is beyond reasonable. Have you considered assisted living for your mother.

My mother is living in an Aegis facility and it has given me time with her in the capacity of a daughter and not just a full time caregiver.

This is a terribly difficult situation and there IS a solution. Please find one before you are all used up...it can happen.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How?
Simply click here to return to Elder Care Anger and Resentment

Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!

Comments for Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!

Comments for
Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!