Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!

by Ruth
(Virginia)

My mom (90) has lived with me (50) and my family for 6 months each year for 15 years then a 1 1/2 years ago she moved in for good. She had to. She was living alone and and had become so sick I didn't think she would live. So I, being the good daughter, moved her in.


Hello mother, goodbye me. I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out woman I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the youngest of 10 kids and NO one helps! No seriously, not one of them help me. When I try to tell them I need a break all I hear is "I don't know what your problem is. We think she's precious. We'd take her in a minute but she wants to be with you." My response "please, oh please do. Take her! At least for a while."

I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?

She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she just sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her.

She always has something for me to do and I pray every day one of my siblings will just come get her and take her away. The worst thing, the thing that eats me with guilt - there are days I wish God would take her home to heaven so I don't have to do this anymore. Admitting these thoughts makes me feel like a monster...

Comments for Elder Care Anger - I don't want to do this anymore... But I love my mom so much!

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Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Getting better
by: Anonymous

Caring last 8 yrs for 95 96 yr old parents keeping them in their home omg dad finally died put mom in nursing home so much relief I feel and no guilt so hang in there this too shall pass
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Response to Same Boat
by: Anonymous

2 years ago I was in exactly the same situation you are now only I had been caring for my mother for over 4 years and all I wanted was my life back.

I now have my life back and it is not what I imagined it would be. I miss my Mother and while I remember well what I was thinking during those trying days of caregiving, I would like to go back and kick myself for not putting those feelings aside and enjoying every single moment, the good and the bad with her.

From someone who has felt the desperation and hopelessness you are feeling and made it to the other side, may I offer some advice. Allow yourself to grieve for the part of your life you lost when you became a caretaker.

It is truly a loss that must be dealt with so you are able fully care for your Mother without resentment.

Once your parent is gone, you do not simply go back to the life you were living as though nothing ever happened. Something HAS happened and it changes who you are forever.

One day you will realize it wasn’t so much the life you gave up that was bothering you so badly, it is that you had to give up being the daughter and you just miss who your Mother once was and the relationship you had with her.

During my darkest days of caregiving, I am sure I would not have listened to the advice I am currently giving but hope you are smarter than I was. Much love and many prayers for all who are going through these difficult days.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Not a woman
by: Anonymous

I’m the only son
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Same boat
by: Anonymous

I’m two years into taking care of mom , only 4 months into her living with me , only child no help with the exception of private pay aide 4 hours two days a week , mom sits in a chair with her eyes closed all day smack dab in the middle of the house, I’ve had one night off in the last 120 days.

I cook , medicine management , take care of her finances, appointments you name it , I have no life , I don’t want to become resentful, but I hate this . Open to any suggestions, support groups are the worse just depressing, I want to live again
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		elderly care
by: Anonymous

I can certainly relate and understand the frustrations this woman is feeling and experiencing..My own mother is pretty much still going strong at almost 77..she takes care of her husband .with almost no time to herself or for family including me..sometimes a few months go by without a phone call ..

if her day should come when she needs care in this manner i pray that i am able to give it..at the very least she saw me into adulthood ..my own husband passed 5years ago from cancer .

when i was married and raising 3 teenagers ,my grandmother "went"into a nursing home ..i visited her there ..end result i pulled her out, put her in my mothers home as i didnt have room in my apt. and i provided the care she needed.my mom helped.there were problems associated with that but i considered it a blessing to provide care for a woman my grandmother who had given me so much.. it was hard ..

of course it was..but more than that it was a blessing in so many ways.she ended up passing on my birthday 17 years ago..not a single day goes by when i dont think of her..now i live alone.. my children are all grown and have their own families/lives..its lonely at times but i provide all of the daycare needs for my sons kids..

i always have.i want to instill in them what was bestowed on me..if just a small portion then ill consider it a success.. but i have to admit the thought of a nursing home scares the crap out of me..at the end of the day you can spend your whole life caring and giving to others and its a beautiful thing when it comes full circle.

however i don't want to be a burden to my own.it weighs heavily on my mind at times.i can only hope no matter my situation, that i can still be a blessing to mine ..
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		oh i am so with you!!!
by: Anonymous

OMG, I can soooo relate. I am the 2nd of 12 and took my mother in with dementia nearly 7 years ago. I have several siblings who live out of town that will come in for about 10 days a year while I take a much needed vacation but two that live in town don't offer a minute.

My older sister, who lives 20 miles away checked out of any family responsibility 50 years ago. I hate her for it. I have one sister who has NEVER worked also won't offer a minute.

Even their adult children completely ignore the situation... just waiting for the inheritance. I finally quit my very stressful job (as a nurse practitioner) 8 months ago sick to death of the lazy, stupid caregivers who stay with mom while I worked. Now I do this 24/7.

I would NEVER,EVER become a nurse again... everyone thinks WE are the only people who can step up and do the work.


Mom is sooo sweet but she can only walk with assistance while I steer and push the walker. Now i have to feed her too. I have to hoist her into the car and bed. she starts sitting down 10 feet before a chair and I have to drag her across the floor to get her there.

I just want it to be over and have my life back. Instead I am so angry at siblings that I vent in rages, cry a lot and barely can pray doubting this "great" plan God has for my mother's and my lifes, all the while watching my siblings go on with their lives unaltered.

I hate my friends whose parents are 80-90+ and very healthy, living alone, requiring no care. I also envy those who are able to justify putting the parent in a facility and walk away without a second thought. Or those that lived away from their elderly parents and just let one sibling do it all.

This dementia diagnosis gives stupid a whole new meaning. I am sure modern medicines have only slowed the decline in health, extending the time care is needed. It sucks. I am sick to death of being the only one to step up and do the right thing.

I just hope I don't die before her... and that's not all that impossible. I have never felt such hatred in all my life.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Don’t judge
by: Pearl

I hope "Julie" sees my comment. My sister and I care for our 99 year old mother about 60 hours each per week. Another sister helps 5 hours and three paid caregivers for the rest.

Mom is still in her own home with no diagnosis. Just old and can’t walk, use the toilet alone or cook for herself. We bathe her, put her brief on, dress her, pretty much do everything.

Mom thankfully just has some cognitive issues so we still can talk good with her. 24/7 care for two years now but daily duties for 7 years. Really though been doing a lot for her for 21 years. Dad died 48 years ago.

Julie shouldn’t judge anyone that is venting. You have no idea until you walk in someone else’s shoes. When you are providing full care for an adult that is just old and could live God knows how long is so hard and scary.

Mom had a fall recently and again is fine. Now everyone is so afraid she might fall again. There are days I cry and cry. She seems like she could die tomorrow and other days like she could live for years. Quality of life is not good. She can barely see, hear so pretty much stays on her bed. It’s awful to see.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Guilt Not Necessary
by: Mark

There are times in life that you have to not be worried about what other people think. An example with me is I never married and never desired to have children. And today I have no regrets about that.

You should not feel guilty about wanting to drop out as caretaker and have your life back again. There is a dividing line on virtually anything.

The biggest dividing line is that if an elderly parent is going to be narcissistic, demanding, ungrateful and hateful to you or your significant others then people should drop the hammer and say I'M DONE! Plain & simple! One reason baby boomer parents have become this way is due to the times they lived in.

Remember back when us Boomer kids were raised, we were often beaten to the point of bruises and not being able to sit down right as punishment for an infraction.

So as a result, that narcissistic, abusive, & me-first attitude still prevails in many elderly persons now. No excuse for them, that's just how it is. Not everyone is the doting grandparents that we all see in the movies and desired when growing up.

My dad killed himself at 65 often wallowing in self pity and blaming everyone under the sun for the divorce from mom 18 years earlier. Had he lived to be needing care I have doubts I would have had any part of it as he said belittling things to me as a child and sometimes it continued into my teens.

Children don't forget these things & I still haven't 55 years later. Mom with her far better attitude on things was the picture of good health and was mostly self dependent until two months before her passing at 88.

So even if you still love your elderly parent(s) there's nothing to be guilty about wanting out of the position of caregiver.

Nor should the siblings be necessarily criticized for not wanting any involvement. True that some cases may be out of selfishness but from the posts here, many were wise not to get involved due to the misery that it may have caused to family, finances, health and simple peace of mind.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Self care & healthy boundaries
by: Anonymous

FIRST: I sold my mom’s home, our financial advisor has invested it well (diversified & it is safe ) she is making 6% interest on the house money ... enough interest to cover her monthly payments .

the principal she wants me to have will pretty well be there when she dies ...

NEXT: Decades I was in another city (only child) mom doesn’t travel, lives a sad, lonely life - pushes everyone away .. I did lots of personal development, growing & heal8ng to keep relationship go8ng ... as dysfunctional as it was. Started seeing a clinical psychologist 2 yrs. ago & now I have grown more .. built the healthy boundaries & standing up for myself ... what a difference. Because it is ME who has changed I am stronger with everyone around me !


Finally mom got so bad we brought her over to where we live, in to an independent living building. She has gotten better with now getting meals & company of others during meals ...
she’s still lonely & at 88 doesn’t really want to be here anymore HOWEVER the resentment, anger, bitterness she had when she was on her own & living away from me has GONE .. our relationship has changed .. b/c of my boundaries & not taking anything personal & letting go of expectations .. she sees me as capable now & there’s so much love.

It IS very exhausting for me but thankfully she is safe, taken care of & close by.
Best Wishes to you all ...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Nursing homes
by: Anonymous

I saw someone say they can’t afford a nursing home for their parent. Unless your parent has money in the bank or owns a house, the state will pay for a nursing home.

I knew a couple of old maids that kept their mother at home because they didn’t want to sell her house and use it for a nursing home for their mother so instead they kept her and complained all the time.

They wanted the money for themselves.. I would have sold it. It would have paid for a nursing home for at least 3 years or at least help several times a week.

If your parent has been in one of the armed forces, they can go to a VA hospital or they will pay so much to hire someone at least a few days a week. My mother-in-law when to a very nice VA home and got a few hundred a month too.

Her nursing home had private rooms, beauty shop, library, arts and crafts room and a pond with Swans. Some parents could care less how miserable they make you so don’t feel bad about putting them in a home. You can go visit them without having full time care.

My aunt and uncle were both in a nursing home together and the children would take turns going there everyday to feed them since they were unable to feed themselves. A lot better than this woman that I know that has given up the last 15 years of her life taking her mother to the constant doctors she wants to go to and expects everything to be done for her and if someone can’t do it, she screams or cries until they cave in.

She has always been a very mean narcissistic woman. Her daughter’s life has been destroyed. I would have stuck her in a nursing home quicker than you could blink. Quit being martyrs because most don’t appreciate it. Put them in a home or sell their property if they have any and hire help.

Even social security or maybe it is Medicaid will pay someone 10 or 15 hours a week to come in and help. Life is too short. People are dying earlier now so don’t let them make you miserable.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Complicated
by: Lily

My mother is 97 and still lives in her own house. She is very healthy and mentally " with it" for her age, but is getting weak and has a hard time walking. 4 of her 5 children ( all in their 60’s) live close by and one of us will stop in to see her most days, but she is bored and lonely.

She doesn’t like leaving the house, because of her weak legs and she gets tired easily. I resent that after working at my job, I am expected to stop in and entertain her when I just want to go home and crash.

I feel guilty when I get angry thinking that she could live to 100 or longer. How long is a child supposed to do this ? My siblings and I could be in our 70’s and still taking care of Mom.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Not My Home
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been living w my mom 1yr. She is 83 and has copd and will not go to a doctor bout it. Plus she has heart issues and couple other things.

We moved in to help w yard work and other things she really has no business doing by herself...so the issue is she is so stuck in her own ways that
I finally have bought a new couch the other one was 35 yrs. Old almost it took me almost the whole year to convince her to please let me buy a new couch..

So anywho she has allowed us to only paint n fix our bedroom up as it was ours otherwise the rest of the house is all hers. I feel like I do not belong here I am in my 40s and my husband in his 50s and I am fixing to be a grandmother for the first time...There has already been things said bout that from my mom...like I hope you don't plan on the baby being here all the time....

I am thinking I pay most of the house payment and half of electric and water and half of cable and all of wifi expense and we cannot have more of the house to ourselves or my grandchild staying when ever I feel like or even my daughter which is her grand daughter???? I mean I do not feel like this is Home....

But I am suppose to get home when she passes away. I do not want anything bad to happen to her but I am ready to move out and feel like I have a Home...MY 🏡 HOME....please give me some advice.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Aging smart
by: Anonymous

After watching parents cling to their house and struggling wanted to die in their home it was awful for everyone I will sell my home use money for assisted living put myself there not burden my children and have much better quality of life and peace of mind
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Locking bedroom door
by: Anonymous

My mom is 94 years old and has 5 children, 4 daughters and one son, she is so old fashion and very, very modified.

She lives alone and we each have on day a week that we are with her to buy groceries and take her to doctor appointments and clean her house or anything she needs.

My mom has a lock on her bedroom door that you lock from the inside of the bedroom. We tell her to not lock the door because we don’t know how we would be able to open it if something happened to her in the room( she has small stroke and have fallen in the room and can’t get up off the floor.

On mother’s day she fell and couldn’t get up but luckily she had her cane with her to open the lock that (is high up on the door (bad of hearing also) doesn’t want us to take her to get a hearing test.

Is so vain doesn’t want anyone to know that she would be wear a hearing aid, what can we do? We have asked her to not lock the door. But she doesn’t want her girls or son to see her dressing and still locks the door.

We know better and wouldn’t think of going in her room when she is dressing. What to do? I told her we are going to take the lock off the door so nothing happens. She through a fit and pretend like she is crying. And said NO!

This is her house and we better not take the lock off. What to do? Tell me to get out of her house. I tell her what if she had a big stroke or heart attack. And is on the floor in the lock room remember she can’t hear very well and we have shout loud for her to hear us. And she say we are disrespecting her for yelling!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You're Amazing
by: Jillian

Dear Ruth, I don’t think you’re a monster. I actually think you’re amazing! You sound like a wonderful person, who wanted to do what you considered to be the ‘right thing’ at the time. Sadly though, the right thing isn’t always the best thing for everyone concerned.

There are those who would use the old adage ‘your parents looked after you, now it’s your turn’ but it’s definitely not the same. A child is small, and if you’re lucky, compliant. An adult is fully grown, often opinionated and set in their ways. A child, again if you’re lucky, does as they’re told and grows with the family to take part in the unit as a whole.

An aged parent sometimes reverts to being ‘child-like’ and will not take part, just sitting, waiting for someone to do things for them. Sitting and waiting, sitting and waiting. Not a good life and I hope the lessons I’ve learned trying to care for my 88 Mother and 90 year old Father will stay with me so I NEVER become a burden on my children in that way.

I also agree; there’s always a ‘job’ to do, and the only answer is to stop! With my Mum it was new curtains, new fridge, new washing machine, new this new that, and in the end I realised it was because she was bored. I realised I couldn't help that she’s bored and I'm not her entertainment committee.

I visit her three times a week to take her shopping, and to lunch – that’s it. No more jumping to every request. It’s just not on. I really don’t know how you live with it full-time. Is your Mother still sick? Could she return to her place with some home help to give you some space?

Alternatively, there are so many well run Aged Care Facilities around. Perhaps if you found some nice ones in your area you could take her for a look?

Sometimes they’ll allow you to bring in your parent to have lunch and/or take part in the activities for a few weeks before a potential move, so that they make friends.

My Dad’s room has its own ensuite and a patio overlooking the garden where he can sit and have a glass of port whenever he feels like it. We installed a little fridge, and a coffee maker and he has all his meals provided in the dining room – or he can have them in his room if he feels like it.

I even hung solar powered fairy lights on the tree outside his room so it looks pleasant in the evenings. I also really think that you need to discuss with your siblings about having some respite or you’ll go crazy.

Perhaps plan a holiday and ask one of them to take your Mother for that time. If they think she’s so precious they should jump at the chance. Good luck and I really feel for you.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		May God give us all strength
by: Anonymous

God Bless you all !!
I had meltdown today. But somehow this made me feel better, to know I'm not alone.
🙏 prayers going out to all.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Can not stand my mother
by: Anonymous

There are days I really can't stand my mother. My mother Can not read nor write. My mother has always always been dependent, needy on me, she never did groceries because she can't read. I have to take her to places because again she does not know to go on her own. Never paid bills on her own because she can't write. Any mail Can t read nor fill out forms. My mom States but I raised you and your brother never needed my family. I answered because you did not live with them if you did you would have been dependent on them too. My mom thinks because she washed clothes and clean in which she does not clean well because she is scared to go near things, she has done alot. Please she never worked either. I feel instead of having a mom i had a mentally retarded child who is always needy and dependent.she is the queen of guilt trip. I'm always angry and resentful.I hate feeling like this.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Overloaded
by: Anonymous

When my husband died of cancer I sold house and bought smaller just finally got both ancient parents in nursing home but now left w house full of stuff resent them for not declyttering and downsizing like I did omg so terrible to lay so much on ur children
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Ditto
by: Anonymous

Totally understood. Im in a similar situation with not help!!! & i have a chronically sick daughter. She seems to only think of herself.

The good children are usually spit on. Well, God bless you & yours. Prayers sent to YOU plz say a prayer to me, and all the other caring & RESPONSIBLE children that have stepped up to the plate, as well.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Frustrated gen x’er
by: Anonymous

I am 50 caring for my 73 year old mother. We moved in together so I could help her because her hands are contracted with dupytren’s disease and she has cataracts and hearing loss and cannot drive.

Two of my three other siblings all said they would help but never do. She is very angry that they will not help us like they promised. I am the oldest of my sibling group.

I work full time and am exhausted trying to take care of everything by myself. Has anyone had any luck getting their siblings to help?

My mom screams and yells and carries on and says she hates our house, my cooking, my choice in groceries, my cleaning is not up to her standards, etc. She complained so much my college aged daughter moved into the dorms.

She said she misses her old home and wishes she could live there, she cannot live alone anymore as she has started to fall.

She also likes to torment me with her depression and suicidal thoughts because she feels "trapped". I asked her to consider an ALF, and she said her cats would miss my cats too much!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I can't do this anymore.
by: Anonymous

I have been my mother's caretaker for 9 years now. She is 90 years old and has Alzheimer's. I have a job that i can't quit. i have to pay my bills! I feel like i can no longer do this.

i am almost 68 and am tired mentally from caring for her. I feel bad thinking about putting her in a nursing home because she can still toilet herself and eat by herself.

She does nothing but sit in her recliner all day from the time she gets up till the time she goes to bed. The only time she gets up is to go to bathroom or eat. That's it. I don't feel like i can do this anymore. Not sure what to do besides a nursing home.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Slowly killing me
by: Anonymous

You are not a monster,I moved from my home to take care of my mom and to be able to keep her in her home, I have been here for six months and I am so tired, I have come to see her as the most selfish and nastiest person ever.

She won't do a thing for her self, she wants me to sit in the front room with her all day long and entertain her and wait on her.I too have prayed for God to take her but I feel she is to mean and he doesn't want her,as far as her health hers is better than mine because the stress of her is slowly killing me so I know we're you are coming from
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		don't understand elder law
by: Anonymous

I had taken my Mother to the bank to ask for help removing an automatic payee who had sold his business and had written 3 times for her to stop paying him. The banker then asked my Mother if she "wanted that done?" and Mom said, "No."

When I began to re-explain to Mom, who suffers with dementia, the banker interrupted, "Your Mother said "No!"

My question- why is it legal to make Mom continue to pay a non-existent business, instead of doing what an intelligent person would do and cease paying like the retired payee wrote? I cried hard and in a fetal position several times that day about being maltreated by a professional for seeking help to do the right thing for my Mom. PS. We are both former LPNs.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Time to move on
by: Daughter of a selfish old woman

My mother is too stubborn to die. She is 88 years old and has "threatened to die" since she was 50 years old. Unfortunately for her family, she has not made good on her threat.

She is ungrateful for all of the help provided by her daughters and sons-in-law. Whatever we do is never enough in her eyes. I hope everyone reading this takes my advice learned via the school of hard knocks.

Stop trying so hard to please a self centered martyr because you will always fall short. You don't owe your own mental and physical health to anyone else, including your parents.

It's not my job or anyone else's to listen to the daily litany of aches and pains. it's the same broken record day in and day out. Never troubles herself to ask about anyone else, it's all about her.

God bless the wonderfully patient people that work at assisted living, rehab and nursing homes. You are more valuable than you will ever know.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Parents are going to outlive me
by: Anonymous

Ended up in hospital kidney stone kidney infection bladder infection sepsis infection almost died now need more surgery back in hospital still have both needy parents 94 and 96 what am I supposed to do they almost outlived me time for god to take them both
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Re: taking care of. Sick or elderly parent
by: Anonymous

To your comment I’m sorry you went through with your mother the cancer but some of us are dealing with Narcissist parent whom are of sound mind my mother in law had a stroke 3 years ago with a full recovery she sits all Day In wheelchair which she can walk and do for herself. It’s sad that I have been her best advocate for the past three years she can do for her self which SHE has chosen not to

So for you to write such a comment offends me there are caregivers out here that do so
Much loose there own families to help and it’s pointless in our case so for you to bash other caregivers is wrong you have no idea what other people go through with help of no one to write that I’m sorry the way you lost your mother but have some sympathy for other caregivers who you have no idea what they go through 24/7 I just wish the fool lord would take her to end every bodies misery that she chose upon herself
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		caring for elderly / spouse
by: Anonymous

My situation is the same but so different Im 57 and my husband is 10 years older, he had to have an above the knee amputation 2 1/2 years ago due to vascular disease it was then that I stopped being his wife and became his caregiver.

He totally stopped doing anything for himself.

Although he has had 2 different prosthetics that he has used and gone to classes to learn how to walk and function on a daily basis but after about a week he will not use the leg nor will he do anything for himself. He has tried to end his life i found him in time and they saved his life now i ask myself why .

I feel like the worse person on earth we marry for better or worse but never to we think something like this will happen .

He doesn't bathe or shower, shave regularly ,we no longer sleep in the same room sex is the thing of the past and we hardly even talk to each other.

All he does day after day is sit in his chair watch TV smokes without getting dressed he stays in his PJs always and expects me to do everything and i also work part time in the evening .

We live in a house with tons of yard work and snow to shovel depending on the season and I have become so resent I don't even like myself anymore I pray everyday that god take him because I know hes not happy either I'm his wife / caregiver how do i leave him i would feel awful if anything happened to him but I no longer have a life i am 57 and feel like im so much older .

I hate to think of my future doing nothing but caring for this man i was so much in love with but now only resent I have no respect for him any more he could walk he could have an amazing life but he has chosen not to .

we have just found out that there is a chance he could lose his other leg god help me .Being a caregiver is the hardest thing a person should ever have to do especially when the person your caring for can help themselves but wont .
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Taking care of elderly or sick parents
by: Julie

I have a short comment I’m 50 and only child who was raised by a single mom. My mom died 5 years ago at the age of 64. She had cancer in the 70’s when I was only 6years old. It was before chemo and Radiation therapy saved her from the cancer.

Unfortunately 25 years later when I was 40 she 60 the radiation stated to destroy her body one organ at a time. I took care of her for almost 10 years. I did whatever I could go keep her home and out of a nursing home.

I am married 21 years now 2 boys both grown. I just have this to say "o feel sorry for you people who are complaining about having to care for your parents who seem to not have a choice needing someone to take care of them. I would give anything to have my mom back with me.

My mom had a urostomh, colostomy and she wasn’t able to walk. Those were the easy ailments to care for and I still want her here with me. Be careful how shallow and selfish you let yourselves get.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Coping: it seems endless
by: Anonymous

It would be great if I knew how long I have to get up & feel this "weight". We'd all cope better if there was a known time limit we could look forward to. Sounds silly, but I'm sure I'd be able to treat my mother better if I knew it was just for another year, for example. It's really raw to watch her suffer & be in pain infinitely.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Mental health
by: Anonymous

I understand Ruth what your going through. I have the same situation but worse. Mom has dementia, depression, has said she wants to die and go to haven because she is tired.

She has become nasty, calls me names, blames me for everything. No one visits her not even her older daughter. I'm the youngest and always felt the need to help her as she got older.

I left a good job from another state and home to come here. I don't have any regrets but it hurts all the same. I pray for help, guideness, love, hope, my health and sanity. God bless you, your not alone.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Detaching
by: Anonymous

Lately I realized that continuously feeling bad (about feeling angry) is ruining my personality. Since my mother's suffering could go on for years, detachment is my choice now, to save myself.

Its futile to lose my joy over something I can't change. It seems like I hate her, but I don't. Maybe she can't help blaming me & guilting me, but I'm at my limit & have chosen to save myself for a change. It's a peaceful feeling cuz I know God understands my plight.

The negative changes in me have affected my own children, which I won't tolerate. I want to be happy again, for them. Part of detaching means I will not visit my mother as much, or take her calls. It does seem mean, but my days are much better for it, & she has 24 your care where she lives anyway. Feel better today...😌
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Elder care anger
by: Anonymous

I really don’t know how you do it with working and taking care of your mom afterwards. I do know that Medicare or Medicaid will allow someone to come in a few hours every week to help.

My friends mother that lives on social security has someone help her 15 hours a week but it is about time for her to go to a nursing home because like you it is destroying her daughter’s life to be the only care giver but at least she doesn’t have to work.

If you can’t get anybody to help, I would drive her over to one of your brothers and sisters house and leave her. Each one of them should be at least taking turns keeping her either a few nights during the week or weekends.

You just have to stand up to all of them and if none will help, I would start checking out the nursing homes. My nephew because of brain damage from a car wreck has been in a nursing home 34 years and his care has been fairly good.

He’s never been abused. My aunt and uncle were both in a nursing home for several years at the same time and they were good parents but the kids knew they couldn’t handle taking care of them so they placed them in a nursing home and each one took turns going to the nursing home everyday to feed them because they weren’t able to do anything. That still takes time but a lot less than 24/7 care. You have to think of yourself because your mother could live for many more years.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Time to stop
by: Anonymous

I have read good comments and comments on bashing some people have it easy some people don’t I would understand our situation if mother in law had dementia

But she has been in out of hospital on her part for not doing just sitting I keep a diary along with cameras calls once a week to drs office you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink so with that said I pray every night that the good lord would just take her you can’t help a person that won’t help themselves.

I would never put my children in this situation they all know that my needs will be taken care of when I’m old I would never expect my children to give up there family to take care of me
They have seen the toll it buts upon a person taking care of a ungrateful spiteful person
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Don’t Feel Guilty- Change the Pattern
by: Anonymous

I read your heartfelt words and feel so deeply for what you are going through. I am taking care of my 90 year old mother at her home across the country and I’m so homesick. Everyday is so long, it feels like a week. I’m dying and stuck in the house 24 hours, following orders, serving and listening to HER talk.

I love my mother very deeply but I know I could never handle any longer than that. You are a saint! I can’t even begin to compare to what you are going through.

Are you connected with a church? Can you talk to your minister and ask him to help you seek the best care for your mother outside of YOUR home? You may ask your minister to meet with you and your siblings to help them understand that they must make that decision also, and if they choose to not take her into their homes, then they should help you look for assisted living options. There are some wonderful centers around.

In the meantime, can you hire help a couple of hours a day ( when you come home from work) and tell your siblings that if they are unwilling to help, then they must pay for the hired help or be willing to help move your mother into
an assisted living.

Go on line and look up "At Home Elderly Care" in your area and then research Assisted Living Options. Do not feel guilty. If YOUR mental and physical state is a wreck, then you can’t possible take care of your mother any longer. YOU are now "too sick" to care for someone else. Please, please get the help you need and heal yourself.

You need the support of someone else to meet with all
of your siblings, if they are unwilling to listen to you. If you don’t have a minister, then find someone who can speak for you with your siblings. You are in my prayers.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		at some point, u have to let go
by: Anonymous

I can relate to what ppl are saying. It's a real burden to have to care for elderly parents who need to plan their old age better. My parents had legitimate health needs among others before even getting "old," and I did what I could, but this is getting ridiculous... stretching into 2 decades now. I gave up a lot of my younger years and I can't give any more.

Yes, I love my parents, but this is causing me too much resentment, anger, stress...I've AGED WITH THEM. My health is depleted and my finances are getting that way too. The sad thing is if my siblings who have dumped my parents on me, and my parents had their way, they'd just have me do this forever.

This is what makes my anger reach a boiling point at times. I no longer have any real ambitions other than to work 2 jobs to afford my own place and have my freedom. It's time for me to leave. And truthfully, I don't feel bad. Help isn't supposed to be forever. I pray for all of us.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Agree thank god I found people who feel like me
by: Anonymous

I have been doing this for 4 years mother in law stroke can walk and do for herself but won’t she does not have anything else wrong with her other than being a nasty old women made our lives hell and still does in out of hospital rehab for being weak and uti for not moving and exercising.

she can walk she sits in wheelchair for over -0 hours a day she is spiteful mean all the help is gone she is creating issues with my husband and i I just can’t do this anymore we have given up our lives to help a person who smo want it

I’m ready to sale her house and she can live in a nursing I would I would rather live in a box on the streets than to continue this living hell she had created She is 83 just die already she don’t anything
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Another without a life
by: Anonymous

So glad to hear others voice what I say to myself everyday...."just die, please."
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Am done
by: Anonymous

Been very ill for week now fever chills upset stomach canceled doctor appt because I don’t care anymore if I live or die my parents have ruined my life yesterday get a call mom fell out of wheelchair told them to call the caregiver I hired for them they think I am at their beck and call don’t care if I am severely ill am enjoying this time away from them outliving their money too just a mess !!!!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You don't know!
by: Renee

If you have never been a long-term caregiver for a loved one, you have no idea. Yes! I did what I was supposed to. I wanted to set an example to my kids. My dad wanted us to help him when my mom died. He was afraid to live alone and knew he couldn't take care of everything on his own.

He has Alzheimer's so the level of care has gotten hard. I know I can't do it any longer. You just get so tired and feel like crap because you are either heartless or lazy is a failure ( or all 3) because "YOU ARE DONE!!!

I told my kids that I don't expect them to take care of me. It's not a healthy way for anyone to live. Caregiver....sucked! Being taken care of by your kid.....is probably humiliating.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		So tired
by: Anonymous

Both parents just taking up space all they do is eat sleep and shit no life why do they hang on so long sad so very sad
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		So many self important critics in this thread!
by: John

Elder care is sole crushing when the parent is nasty or works against your efforts.

These people with their moral superiority are probably trolls.

If they are not trolls, they are incomplete to begin with and can't understand what it's like to start off well adjusted and be damaged by this.

I'd like my FIL to live a long life after moving to assisted living. He owes me years of suffering, and I want to watch every drop of it.

He owes me the customers I've lost from constantly rescheduling at the last minute, because he told the paid attendant he didn't need her for the day, five minutes before messing his pants.

And that's just the tip of this ice burg. Most of you here understand. Those who don't are just waiting to break their children's minds and marriages.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		The whole situation is horrible
by: Anonymous

I agree with a lot this comments aging parents who are sick are living way to long I also take care of a narcissist mother in law she is capable of walking and doing for herself.

She had a stroke she is 83 and she has made a recovery but she refuses to walk she sits all day in wheelchair the little help I had is gone thanks to her.

We gave up our lives for her and now to put her in a home Medicare will take the house we are just ready to let that happen and get our lives back our lives are a living hell with her she is mean and nasty with me which now I have cameras up to show her son the evil mother he has.

She is verbal abuse to me she refuses to do what is in her best interest and then lies to her son until I bring up the camera on her behavior then she cusses me out and goes to her room so I get very upset when other people say suck it up.

It’s not easy taking care of a evil horrible person just wish when she had her stroke the good lord should have taken her
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I understand...going thru similar situation
by: Anonymous

My Grandma likes to be waited on hand and foot - like a Queen - like a Drama Queen. Grandma ALWAYS comes first - everyone else's feelings do not matter.

Grandma sits in bed all day and, for months now, has refused to take a shower or trim her toenails.

Her toenails are now 3-4 inches long - she yells and screams if I ever suggest getting a professional pedicure.

I even offered to get VNA in to help bathe her (it's been months since she showered) - more yelling & screaming from Grandma.

There comes a time when sometimes elderly need to have some compassion and unselfishness for their children and grandchildren.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		What now
by: Anonymous

We were getting ready to put both parents on Medicaid in nursing home because outliving their money

omg what to do w them now both in wheelchairs am in my 70’s w own health issues so hard to live in this cruel world
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		No winning.
by: Mara

Many people live beyond their quality of life. Due to medications, (that add lots of side effects) the death process drags out unmercifully.

Both the elderly & their families suffer. Its a perverse system. Nobody over 75 should be on multiple bp medications. Its also draining us of financial resources.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Don't do it. Don't waste years of your life on caring for your aging parent.
by: Anonymous

To the person who says: "Suck it up. Your parents never gave up on you when you were a child." That is plain ridiculous. An adult parent, who is 60,70,80,100 has been on this earth long enough to know that they shouldn't be a selfish, narcissistic, ass.

If you're old but still physically able, then contribute. Don't sit in a chair and boss your adult children around. There's a difference between a couple years of helping your aging parent who is physically deteriorating, but still has a kind heart and 5+ years of a narcissistic parent who's abusive verbally and physically.

If your adult parent is verbally abusive and/or combative and you've been taking care of them and wiping their ass for more than 2 years, then you're a fool.

Nursing homes are held to strict regulations. There is nothing wrong with a nursing home. They care for your loved one so that when you visit them you can actually visit instead of moving around an adult, feeding, bathing, and changing their diaper and then your exhausted and don't want to chat or visit.

It is so mentally and physically taxing that you just want to go home and collapse. My parents wiped my butt until I was what? 2 or 3 years old? I weighed what? 27-40 lbs? An adult is dead weight. 80-240+ lbs. In the developed world no one needs to be changing their adult parents diaper and all the rest that comes with it.

Doing that a couple of times is enough. Expecting someone to work all day then come home and do that is ridiculous. And, keep in mind, if the aging parent is 90, the adult child is around 60. 60 is not an age to be doing such things.

Heck, I've seen aging parents outlive their adult kids because the physical and mental demands of caring for a difficult aging parent killed the adult child. When the aging parent fills a bed with an adult sized poop at 3 a.m. and you're cleaning it, and moving a 180 lb person by yourself, side to side to clean bedding, the person, and put them in a diaper,and then have to go be at work at 7 a.m. and you're in your 50's or 60's trust me, most people will do it ONCE and that'll be enough to put them in a nursing home.

No one knows really until they are faced with it. You can say: "Oh, I love my sweet momma/Father. I'll do anything for her." Until you actually have to deal with it.

When your elbow deep in poop and maybe even vomit, and they are yelling at you and putting you down all the while that you are busting your ass to help them....most people would do it ONCE, and never again. And, I was an RN. I even know better than to throw my life away to that.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I don't want to visit. Ever.
by: Anonymous

I've always hated my mother and as an only child, I am stuck. She's made my life hell my entire 53 years and I have never loved her. She's in assisted living now and I finally have my life back.

I don't want to see her at all. I'll pay her bills and deal w/ paperwork but I have zero interest in visiting. She's always been an abusive, nasty, hateful person and the dementia makes it worse. Honestly I wish she would just die and completely release me from dealing w/ her. She's gonna be 91 next week. DIE ALREADY.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Trapped
by: Anonymous

I'm 53 taking care of my 90 yr old mother 19 years total with 5 being harder each year. Work full time in a very busy job. Guilt feeling the way I do used to shrug it off saying it's not that bad but it is. Trapped.

Work all day to commute home to the same thing over and over. Weekends are a challenge all day long dealing with the repetition. Between this and work I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm not that strong.

I feel like my home is no longer mine as it's like a nursing home. I can't even fix up anything because my mother is always here. I don't see an end unless I put her in a nursing home which is not an easy decision. Feeling trapped overwhelmed and hopeless.

If I escape for one night it's great but it doesn't last the minute you step in the door it begins again. I honestly don't think people realize just how hard this is.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I feel your pain
by: bernie58

I am sympathetic to your situation. I am 59 years old and I have been a full time caregiver for my 90 year old mother for the last 7 1/2 years. I am the 5th of 7 children.

I was chosen as I am the only single child with no children. This is bull as my siblings are from the ages 56 to 70. The all have extra rooms in their homes as their children are grown, they all are or were two income families and yet the responsibility fell to me.

I cannot tell you how much money I have spent on my mother. To make matters worse, my mother has always had a narcissistic personality. The older siblings were not subject to her true nature as when they were growing up my grandmother lived with them, which kept my mother in check.

The last 4 of us were left with the real mother. I moved out at an early age as it was such a burden to live with someone who always put herself first. I once asked her why she had children and her response was "So that I could have friends".

No one could stand her self-centered personality and so she isolated the kids so that there was not outside person to tell her that she should not treat her children in such an unloving way.

Now I am taking care of this person and even though I know I am being manipulated, I have feelings of guilt in putting her in a nursing home. I have always taken care of her as had my late sister. I am so stressed out that I feel myself sinking every day.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		35years?
by: Anonymous

I am 64 year's old. I chose to rain single and without child - I never felt that I was "mom" material - quite at a loss of nurturing growing up.

I am not at a lack of compassion or empathy - I have been an RN for 35 years. Yes - I am burned out and resentful with caring for my Mom of 92 years.

I chose Not to be a mother. And my mom sure as hell wouldn't be caring for me if I were dependent at home after 30 years. I don't know what to feel - but it's not good.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Well said
by: Anonymous

I agree with that statement I’ve been doing this for a ungrateful narcissist mind you there was plenty of help but she has thrown everybody out her choice so now it’s our CHOICE to put her in assisted living.

Some people are clueless of situations but are quick to judge maybe one day you will have to make a choice what’s right for you and your family simple as that.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Don’t feel it’s our job to ruin our family to take care of parent
by: Anonymous

I will never expect my children to take care of me. Unless u have been thru years of caregiving while having a family of your own, u don’t know how hard it is.

Regarding the comment that it is our duty, I say no way. My family should have come first. It wasn’t fair to them.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		GIVING BACK WHAT WE SHOULD!
by: MOM

Our parents never ever gave up on us growing up. Felt I'm sure many times of wanting to put us in a home when we were out of control...but they didn't.

But yet we feel just put them in a home when old age comes instead of spending those last few years if that with the parent that gave you EVERYTHING GROWING UP!

If they are wanting it as well for their best then YES...if not suck it up seriously like they did MANY, MANY TIMES!

Help is always there but you do not and I think should not send anyone away at any age if they are your family or dearest friend that has done nothing but love you!
ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE NOTHING LAST FOREVER!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You have done all you can,you now need to take care of you
by: Anonymous

I can see that you have helped your mom all you can and putting her in a nursing home would be better for both of you.She will be well taking care there and you can visit often.

You are a good daughter but you don't have to do it like others expect you to do it.Put her in a place, rest and visit her when you can relax.The only responsibility we have is to ourselves. You are a good a generous soul.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I get it!
by: Anonymous

I did this for quite a few years til I just about lost my health. It’s been 7 years since she went into the nursing home. I still feel so much anger and resentment. There are 4 kids and no one else helped.

I was so full of anger and when I think about it, those feelings come right back again. If I could do it over, I wouldn’t have done as much as I did. It took away from my young children and my husband. I was a crabby unhappy mother and wife.

Now my Dad is failing and had surgery and I am expected to help out. I feel bad that I just want him to go in the nursing home but I’m so over it. And, yes I’ve prayed for years first for my mom to get better (she never did) and 2nd for the good Lord to take her (hasn’t happened ).

Don’t beat yourself up. Nursing homes are there for us when we age. I will never ever expect my children to care for me. I want them to live their lives to the fullest.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Thank you
by: Anonymous

Reading the last few comments on here made me realize that the guilt you feel as a caregiver isn’t worth it the time and energy you put into a person who is ungrateful hardheaded and don’t like direction can sit in wheelchair and just sit the damage she is doing is already being done

I have gone to support groups she is on a waiting list for respite care and I’m taking care of myself which is much needed she only has a son and him and I have done all we could do we are also looking for a nursing home it’s time for us to put a end to stop dealing and worrying she has chosen to do this to herself like the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but u can’t make it drink and that’s the same scenario we are in

also I have children and I would never put them in this situation so we made sure they are protected in the event something happens to me or there dad.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Thanks "death by Guilt"
by: Anonymous

Thank you!For some reason ,many feel responsible for the well being of their miserable elderly parents who abuse them.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		death by guilt
by: Anonymous

you are being manipulated and taken advantage of by not only your mother but by all your siblings. Do not let her kill you through stress. She belongs in a nursing home without guilt. We are not required to die from taking care of ungrateful and hateful parents. Period.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		oldsters
by: Anonymous

Let's be honest here. People are living too long through help from our medical evolution. I have been through 5 rehabs from falls at home, her not listening to directions,every time I take a break or vacation ,she ruins it by falling,hurting herself where she needs to go to the hospital.

It is pathetic and I am just hoping she dies.I have taken care of her for the last 8 years and I am done.She fell while I was gone (less than 24 hours)ended up with a brain bleed. She is now in assisted living and hates it. Thinks she is capable of living alone at her house.

Constantly harangues me to take her home.We had home health aides.She didn't listen to them and bossed them around,refused to shower etc.

She cannot afford 24/7 home health.I refuse to be her slave.I will not feel guilty.I keep telling myself that .My parents didn't take care of their parents in their old age so what's up with this generation?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Take care of yourself
by: Karen

I was going nuts as sole caretaker of my 98 year old mom. Finally went to a support group - if really made A difference They emphasizes that it is essential to TAKE CARE IF YOURSELF!!!No guilt etc. it was the main thing and everyone there needed to hear it! Take it in - it’s true !!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Suggestions
by: Anonymous

Here is a suggestion for the caregiver whose MIL stopped trying -do whatever you feel is the right thing to do. No matter what you do it won’t be right as she stopped trying and she made the decision. Don’t have guilt. Don’t coddle. If nursing home isn’t the answer then Just do your best. Take a vacation, there are respite care facilities. Be at peace with yourself that you tried.

I don’t get these people who condemn other people. It is your own choice. I guess they think that the family in the news recently that had the 12 kids they abused are suppose to take care of their parents when they grow old. I don’t think so!

People need to stop with the guilt. It’s gross.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Suggestion
by: Anonymous

Have a question even though this has been answered by numerous doctors what happens to your mother in law when they refuse to move and sit In there wheelchair all day refuses to walk just sits and expects to be to catered to.

What is gonna happen to her body without movement I have been her best advocate for the past two years and I’m not or anybody else gonna tell her what she is gonna do she had a stroke with a full recovery sound mind very Stubborn all the people we had are gone thanks to her.

I have coddled her try to treat her like a child to make her understand she is only hurting herself and I may be a bad person but told her when she can’t move her legs by her choice nursing home it is.
I have seen a lot of comment condemning caregivers so I would like to see the response on my situation
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		No guilt
by: Anonymous

If you can’t take care of your parents. Nursing home is a personal decision. Don’t feel guilty. Killing your self doesn’t make things better. Doesn’t fix them either. Some will be miserable no matter what. Sometime you have no choice.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Just a nightmare
by: Anonymous

Mom broke hip in rehab dad going blind in wheelchair got caregiver they r outliving their money please GOD take em soon just breaking my heart ❤️
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Support
by: Anonymous

It is important to support each other, but I work in a geriatric facility that eases patients transition from the hospital back to home.

Typically we keep them 2 to 3 weeks. I've seen families emotionally abuse and berate patients that are confused and helpless. They are helpless because they have no options and often they are difficult out for pain or frustration.

Some patients were difficult beforehand and some have episodic reactions. There is some truth to what Beth S. said. Let's support each other, but there are exceptions. If you can't take care of your parents, do the right thing for them.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Good for you
by: Anonymous

Disgusted

Good for you. Glad you got through it. Others didn’t. Don’t judge. The way you judge other people is the way you will be judged. Everyone is doing their best. Trying to get through it.

You can read about people trying to help and still going on helping., Even though they resent it. This forum isn’t for judging. This forum is for venting. Some people on this forum have no one to talk to. No one to help them. Give them support. Don’t condemn. Listen and support. This world is full of people that condemn and talk to quick and don’t listen.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Disgusted
by: Beth

Dear Anonymous,

Nowhere in my post did I say I had an idyllic life. But for better or worse, I had a responsibility and a moral imperative to do the right thing no matter what.

Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. There are people out there who can help and there's zero shame in asking for help. When someone is old and increasingly helpless, they aren't that different that infants.

I'm sure you had a lot to deal with - it's obvious you still haven't dealt with it fully. But for me, two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm not doing any more tit for tat. I'm a grown up and the process was no walk in the park.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Applaud
by: Tina

Thank You Anonymous!!! When a parent or in my case in law makes your life a living hell its very hard. In my case she had a stroke she has recovered she can walk.

She won’t she sits in wheelchair all day and expects to be catered to had been seen by many doctors including a neurologist.

This women is of sound mind she isn’t gonna have anybody tell her what to do even had social workers come in.

They also agreed she can do but we are not gonna tell her what she can do it’s very hard so it does upset me when people join a thread and condemn us are clueless she is a horrible miserable person and she was the same way before the stroke always creating issues and now it’s worse.

She does not have Demetria she is not depressed she is just a nasty women who belongs in a nursing home !!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Dear disgusted
by: Anonymous

Dear Disgusted,

What if the parent did not take care of their children! What If the children were abused mentally emotionally and physically. What if the children should have been removed from the home but they weren’t....Because it was never reported. And now the children suffer from what their parents did.

What if the parent was mental and refused help.

What if the parent was not a parent. You are quite Judgmental. You don’t know the facts of what people went through.. Shame on you. Many on this board went through hell growing up and now the same parent that wasn’t there for them is now expecting to be served and is ungrateful of the help. Don’t judge. You have no idea.
Rating
starstar 		Disgusted
by: Beth

I know from experience what its like to take care of elderly parents. I know what its like to do it alone.

What's the old saying - 2 parents can raise 5 children, but 5 children can't take care of 2 parents? I have the most empathy for the elderly people who have lost their dignity and are clearly getting the message they are unwanted.

You should all be seriously ashamed of yourselves. I hope karma awaits you in your 'golden' years.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Tired
by: Crazy mad

I don't know why. But from my experiences for more than 10 years, I feel like just because they are older they act so differently. They thought they are the king and the queen. Still can walk around and even go for hiking. But need people to serve them like a servant.

It's that their privilege for being old. They are stubborn and care less about peoples around them. They always stick around me whenever I go and don't like to stay at home. I also need some space and freedom..

Throwing tantrum days and nights. I feel like I am taking care of nasty children Even if you treat them well they still manage to badmouth you. People around me only know how to criticize but doesn't really understands the feeling of taking care of elderly.

I don't understand the elderly of this generation. If only each of their children took up the responsibilities to take care of them, perhaps I won't feel so tired.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Don’t feel guilty
by: Anonymous

Nobody should be forced to take care of an ungrateful, mean old person. I was fortunate that my mother was able to live on her own until she passed and she wasn’t a cantankerous old woman but some people don’t deserve being taken care of.

They were horrible parents and are controlling and hate filled. They were never there for their kids when they were growing up and the only place they deserve to be is in a nursing home. I read about people waiting on these old people hand and foot and they need quit doing it unless that person is unable to walk.

Don’t think you have to keep them entertained either. Let them watch tv, there are lots of great movies on tv and if they can read, they should read a book or do puzzles. Don’t let them suck the life out of you. Don’t feel bad either if you can’t handle it and need to place them in a nursing home.

You can always go visit them in the home to check to see how they are being cared for. Not all nursing homes are bad. My nephew has been in one for 30 years and for the most part he has been taken care of well.

My mother in law was in one for 8 years because she had Alzheimer’s. It was a very nice facility just for Alzheimer patients through the VA. She had been in the service. Life is short and you could be stuck taking care of someone for 20 years. Nobody deserves to be mistreated either just because someone is old.

Old people can be very manipulative and they know what they are doing. I know an old woman that controls her child’s whole life and if she doesn’t get her way, she will scream and call her names and make her feel so guilty.

The daughter has given up her whole life for her narcissistic mother that couldn’t care less how bad it is on her daughter. People, get rid of the guilty feelings and quit being a door mat!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Applaud your comment
by: Tina

Yes there are clueless people in the world when you are out in a situation of caring for a nasty person prior to her stroke she was mean nasty and now it’s worse than before

I’m in this alone with no help for her son her condlers her goes against was is best for her and I’m the bad one when she is capable of waking and doing for herself she is spiteful nasty is she don’t like what I make her she throws I trash then tells her son I didn’t feed her such negativity from a horrible person so cudos to the lady that thinks we are heartless happy for you that your caregiving has gone great for you there is no need to bash the rest of us
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		No one should criticize
by: Anonymous

So many people going through these difficult times caring for aging parent when we have our own health problems and we are caring for our own family and we are have aging issues ourselves.

No one has the right to criticize another person.

No one knows what the other person is going through. Or went through growing up with their parents.

We all didn’t have ideal parents. Maybe some grew up in a house where there was no love, only criticism and hate and maybe they had a parent with a mental issue that wouldn’t get help. Now they are in a position to help that parent. And there is resentment.

Maybe that parent is still nasty and narcissistic and now demands help and assistance. We all have to deal with our circumstances and it’s a private decision how we deal with it.

This board is great for venting and learning that others are going through same issues. I appreciate hearing about what others are going through. Knowing I am not in this boat by myself.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Martyr
by: Anonymous

Good for u u stupid martyr u must have no life
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starstarstarstarstar 		HEARTLESS PEOPLE
by: Anonymous

AFTER READING THE ABOVE COMMENT - I SEE MANY OF YOU AS HEARTLESS INDIVIDUALS. I LOVE MY MOM NO MATTER WHAT AND I WILL CONTINUE HELPING HER NO MATTER WHAT.

:)
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starstarstarstarstar 		Same boat
by: Anonymous

I have been caring for my mom for 35 years. She has several health problems. I feel horrible about how I feel but the truth is I have buried my mom so many times (several near death experiences) I just don't know how she can keep going. I worry so much about her and I never wanted to place her in a nursing home but it looks like that's where she will be.

I go see her and Doctors tell me things like, she is refusing a feeding tube we r calling in a comfort doctor, and so I call my useless brother so that he can see her or talk to her (thinking the end is near) and she does a total 360. Then my brother thinks I'm over reacting it's not really that bad.

I don't understand and I can't keep dealing with this I have sum health issues now.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Good riddance
by: Anonymous

Still have both parents 93 95 pray for god to just take them both my life is nightmare feel so guilty but am so done w them
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starstarstarstarstar 		idk
by: Adia

im 18 years old. Ive been taking care of my mother for about a year now, and im scared.
we have two cats, and they seem ill, but i don't really try to pay attention to that anymore.
my mother has had two strokes and a heart attack, she is 60 and smokes heavily still.

she used to do drugs, and she still tries, though i try to stop her too. my sister lives in the camper next door, but when she comes in it usually sparks a fight between them, and i feel like she hates us.

i have a pulled tendon in my right foot, but i insist on helping my mother even though it hurts, when i try to explain the pain, it's she ignores it anyways, but i don't hate her. i don't want to. i wont. I'm just scared. i want things to be like how they was again.

i feel too young. everything is slipping out of my hands too fast. I've always had thoughts of suicide, but i feel like my mother gives me a sense of dignity and purpose now. but i don't know anymore. someone give me advice, please
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starstarstarstarstar 		Not alone in feeling this way
by: Tina

Just found this thread. I am very resentful of taking care of my mother in law she is able to do for herself she did have a stroke but she can walk but refuses always being nasty her son coddles her which makes it worse for me.

I don't have a life at all I don't get paid for caregiving she has chased all the aids away any help is gone I have learned to walk away and ignore her it sure isn't easy
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starstarstarstarstar 		OH My
by: Anonymous

My mother has been ill for many, many years but has always lived on her own. She hasn't driven for about 5 years so I would take her to her appointments and shopping. (Like 8 appointments per month. A year ago she hired a helper. in August she fell and broke her shoulder. ER. Sent her to a rehab center. She was at the rehab center for 35 days and while there, refused to do anything.

She barley ate, never took a bath or shower, never got her hair washed, did not get out of bed. She has severe RA which have deformed her feet so she is not walking. She cannot care for herself at all.

She wears diapers and has to be changed. She told Dr.s she was going home and was told the only way she could go home was on hospice. So she did. She has her caregiver during the day and just moved a stranger in for the nights. I was over the other day and there are different strangers in and out of her house. She doesn't care who is there as long as she is not left alone for a minute.

I am scared to death for her. She needs to be in a facility that can care for her 24 hrs a day. She is very demanding. I have worried myself sick and am just now going to try letting go. As Drs say she is of sound mind and can make her own choices. How can someone who can't even get out of a chair, do nothing form themselves, make their own choices? 😕
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starstarstarstarstar 		Helpful story
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry for this terrible stress you are in. I wanted to thank you and the other commenters for helping me make my mind up. I just got diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and I'm only 53.

I love my daughter and would never want her life to be miserable. So when my disease progresses to where I would need ANY kind of help, including with driving, I will stop eating and drinking at once, and that way I will die before I would be a burden. I won't take a chance of waiting too long.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Too old to b caregiver
by: Anonymous

I am 70 female both parents still around living in own home driving me nuts want to run away
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starstarstarstarstar 		Resentment towards Mom
by: cathy

There's a reason that your Mom sits in a chair and has little interest in doing anything... it's common for depression to set in at her age.

My Mom came to live with us after my Dad died. My only sister was deceased, so I was the only family member to take Mom in.

I don't know how old this post is... but I would urge you to enlist the help from your siblings... especially if they live within driving distance.

In my case, I also stopped working to care for my Mom. She had a long, slow progressive dementia or Alzheimer's. I am a nurse, and my only " support" was a lady that we hired to help us.

If your Mom is elderly and unhappy, and you feel overwhelmed, your Mom senses your unhappiness.

I don't understand why your older siblings aren't helping. Even if you have to hire a sitter , so you can get time off... do this.

My Dad made me promise that I wouldn't do a nursing home... but I did need help because my Mom was incontinent and required full care.

Please discuss this with a social worker or a therapist ... my Mom died early Feb 2016.

I did also have feelings very Much like yours. When you feel like all of the caregiving is on your shoulders, it can lead to resentment... take care of you... my Mom used to attend senior dances etc when she first lived with us.

You need to ask for help... and I would have loved to have had my sisters support.. but she died long before my Mom lived with us.

Please get the help you need and try to show your Mom some love... for she will not be here forever. My Mom was very independent when she was young... I also went to caregiver support group meetings. Good luck - I'm a Virginia gal too
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starstarstarstarstar 		A solition
by: Anonymous

Go and rent the old movie Soylent Green. There should be a facility for people (over 80) to go and die peacefully if they are ready.

No longer productive, needed or wanted. I am 86 have wonderful children who see me pretty often. I live alone with my sweet little Bichon. But there does come a time when one knows it's just a matter of time.

Boredom of the aged is pretty much a given. I would love to know I had the ability to leave the party when I wanted to go!
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starstarstarstarstar 		Done
by: Anonymous

Still have both parents in their nineties and praying that they will die feel awful but I will not miss them will just feel relief so terribly sad but true they suck the life out of u just not normal or fair !!!
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starstarstarstarstar 		It's sad to be old
by: Anonymous

I'm caring for my 90 year old mother. She has COPD and congestive heart failure. It's the hardest thing I've had to do. No help from my sister, and brother will visit some. She doesn't want to take her medicine or her nebulizer treatments. Wants this and get me that constantly.

I feel isolated, but never want to commit suicide like some caregivers. The bible says if you kill yourself you will not go to Heaven! It will all pass sometime. I just hope she passes in her sleep. I watched my dad die a horrible, painful death. Can't do that again.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Don't throw your life away. Get help!
by: Anonymous

You have a choice as to whether to be a full time care giver or not. I have been through this with my MIL who lived to 96. Do not make yourself so available. Trust me, you are not indispensable.

If you were not in the picture, there would be another solution to the care giving need.Do everything in your power to hand the burden of care to the professionals.

At the end of their shift, they go home. Visit your elderly family member often, be involved to an acceptable degree,send them love and prayers, but do not try to care give for years on end 24/7. It is a recipe for disaster and failure.

No human being can do it, nor should they try.Think of it this way, would you want your child going through this horrendous experience taking care of you? How much good are you doing anyone as you seethe with hatred and resentment?

And chances are your loved one is miserable despite your very best efforts. And stop with the guilt. Coming from a position of guilt is not a healthy reason to embark on something as huge as attempting being a full time caregiver. Take off your super hero cape, throw it away, and get some help! Pronto!
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starstarstarstarstar 		Love you all
by: Teresa

I wish I could hold and bless and encourage each of you personally right ow. I am sobbing at all of your letters and have prayed just now for all of you.
I am in the same boat.

For 58 years I have tried to be a good girl. Tried to make my mother happy to no avail and much less now as she seems to abhor me as I wait on her hand and foot 24:7.

My brother could care less. My beautiful children and dear husband have put up with this for close to a year since money ran out for the Bristol where she did live for a year like a queen in a country club but hated it there too. She has never been a happy person. I thank God I am different...but frankly... I see I have aged and gained weight and have lost all interest in many things...

I have wished her to go home to heaven and feel guilty also- for everything, every feeling, every thought and mive I make under her scowls and verbal abuse.

It is like mind torture... the moment I get angry...the will turn around in a sweet voice and act lovingly- but just for a fleeting second before the axe comes down again. I have also thought about suicide. But I love my children. And God is faithful.

Sometimes it feels as if there is no end. I pray for you all and I love you all. I hope with all my heart- that you all have received Jesus as Savior- because He is our eternal hope. As endless as this may feel- it is passing compared to the eternal bliss that awaits we who believe and trust in Him as LORD and Savior. Please know today, that I am praying for each of you here. I love you. In Christ. Teresa. jamwittea@yahoo.com for encouragement. Xoxo love and hugs. Keep going. Keep believing. Better things ahead.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Carers get the bitter end of it all
by: Anonymous

I am a carer of my mother also ..mum is coming on 80...ill health..walker..been caring for her for 9 years now..same thing relies on my to even think for her...

yet I know she is capable of doing things ..just no motivation..sometimes I think is she really that sick or just plays on it to get me to do things for her..she is up and ready when I take her out but at home lays in bed 24/7...and its draining just looking at her now....

yes I know what you are going through..same all round ..like you I love my mum but recently I feel like I just can't cope with it all...I have always been a giver,kind and compassionate ...with a lot of patience ..just need a break...on top of it all I have so many of my own worries I have been dealing with...if I could move out I would ..

but then like you the guilt steps in ...plus I am not financially ok to move out on my own being on a disability pension ...I am 54 and feel like I have not lived my life at all...it was ok when I first stepped in to care for mum but I was younger then ...

I am slowing down mentally,emotionally ...don't know who I am anymore..had break down after breakdown...but then I have to get over it fast being here with mum....keep saying to myself got to keep strong..you are not alone
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starstarstarstarstar 		too angry
by: Anonymous

My husbands mom moved in. Before she came she was spry did things went out. Now all she does is hobble around the house and go through her millions of papers.

I am in a wheelchair and have been for 15yrs and always will be.she constantly puts herself first even though I have two children still at home she will only listen to her son.

He'll be returning to work soon and I don't want to take care of her. How do I get my husband to hear me that she should be in elder care while he's at work?
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starstarstarstarstar 		Fly away
by: Anonymous

I feel like Im losing my mind.
Everyone here knows why....
So why bother commenting on why. Rather when will health insurance and Medicare start treating Alzheimer's as a brain disease and not a disease of old age.

Interesting one can choose to be a drug addict and get 30 days rehab through medical insurance but there is no coverage for even the slightest assistance i.e. adult daycare etc for dementia.
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starstarstarstarstar 		24 years of my in laws
by: Anonymous

The first 9 years we rented an apartment close by for them as they were mobile. The last 15 years they have been in our home .

We have 4 children who have grown and moved out- the last s a sophomore in college. My husband and I both are close to retirement and are losing our minds- his brothers offer no help.

The in laws have become rude, disrespectful and refuse to communicate their needs. He is 97 and treats his wife at 86 like a servant. She refuses to take her medications and acts out.

I know dementia is present-they have no income, only medicare B as they never worked in US prior to becoming citizens. We cant afford to keep this up. Our kids feel badly but now they avoid coming to see us as the older ones order them around when they do come. Everything we try to do to keep them safe is refused or laughed at. I may die before they do
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starstarstarstarstar 		Desperate
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel as I am in a similar situation. My mother is 102 yrs.old and I have given up my life for the last 5 yrs caring for her.

I'm at the end of my rope and I want out.I have thought about suicide as a way out,because of the increasing hate I feel for her.She is a wonderful sweet person and I deserve to die for feeling this way.
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starstarstarstarstar 		I understand
by: Anonymous

I have been caring for my mom for at least 10 years,not so much her body but running errands taking her to shop or appointments.


Also of course housework and mowing a 2 acre lawn. All this because she made me promise she could live out her days in her own home. For most of this time I was working full time in a extended care facility.

Since then about 3 years ago my husband and I retired and wanted to move closer to our children. I told my mother that she could come with us and if she did not want to we would stay.

Her 5 bedroom house was falling apart and she no longer could afford the upkeep. She decided to move up here with us but has made me feel guilty ever since. She is 87 years old and can walk without any help but she still expects to be " served " as if I was her slave I am at my wits end with her but don't know what to do. I do have 5 siblings but all live out of state.
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starstarstarstarstar 		To the 16yr old girl taking care of Grandma
by: Anonymous

My heart aches for you! I know you think you have to do it on your own but you don't. I to was caring solely for my mom and my siblings didn't help. They never called her or came over.

You have to go to your family and Ask for help. Your way to young to be doing this on your own. You should be looked after yourself and not having to be a care giver.

I am sure you love your Grandma but if you haven't already you will begin to resent her and I know in your heart you don't want that. I wish I was closer so I could help you.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Hate and Anger
by: Anonymous

I raised two kids by myself. Once they were grown I got a dream job traveling for work. For 6 years I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I am 50. A year ago my aunt died.

And my other aunt I fell used my grief to get me to move in with my dad who's in his late 70s and take care of him. He didn't raise us, my grandparents did. He is an alcoholic . He pees in the kitchen trash can, even in the kitchen sink.

He is mean and nasty in the things he says. On some days he will go out of his way to annoy you, like I work night shift, he will pick the lock on my bedroom door just to let the dog in and wake me up.

I cook something to take to work to eat, he will feed it to the dog if I leave it in the fridge. He is nasty to my daughter, calls her fat and tells her he is sorry she is my grand children's mother. My brothers don't help at all.

My little brother says I live here he don't need to help. He never even visited my dad all the years I traveled more than once a month. And he lives 10 min away. I want to go back to traveling, I want my life back. He chose his life and his path.

I don't want to cry and have so much hate in me everyday I wake up. If I leave I will never be welcome back and my family will never speak to me again. I am to the point I no longer care. I don't know how many good years I have left. I know I will have guilt at some point. But I don't want to do this anymore.
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starstarstarstarstar 		15 years and counting
by: Anonymous

My Dad is 91 and Mom is 87. I will be 60 in July. Between work and caring for them it's another job. I can't live my life and go when I want to. My life is on hold. The stress is unreal and I've gained a ton of weight.

They don't make it easy for me either. I put them all n Medicaid and they are signed up with a long term care provider but because of walking issues I feel they really need to be in a full time facility but I know they would hate it and would hasten their demise. I hate how I feel and who I've become. Thank you for allowing me to vent here.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Elder care anger
by: Anonymous

I understand exactly how you feel I took care of my mom until I had a stroke. I am an only child my dad died before my mom, so we brought her to live with us.

Everyday I had to bath her, feed her through a feeding tube. I loved my mom too, but God did create nursing homes for them to stay, he knew that we could not bear the burden of this all by our self.

Don't feel bad about how you feel, their were many days I wish that God would take her home so she would be in peace. Some parents think when they reach a certain age we are they're slave not true.

Try to get her some help or you may have to put her in a nursing home, especially if she doesn't want to do anything for herself. Now we have my father-in-law he is 95 still drivers, but he thinks you should wait on him as well.

I have come to the conclusion if they can help themselves let them do it as long as they can. So they can keep their independent as long as they are able. I hope you make the right decision and whatever it maybe do not feel bad. You need a life too.

I forgot to tell you my husband has siblings also and they are doing nothing, and then when they die they want to be the first with their hands out.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Son, Under Her Thumb
by: Anonymous

My mother in-law came to stay with us for 6 months (so far). I believe it is wrong when they have lived in their country most of their lives to uproot them to a life they are not use to it.

She barely walks, talks when I try to speak to her. The nationality that she is, does not have a lot of these people in this area. I believe she should be with her people. I am not a racist. I am married to her son for 30 years.

She seems to take priority over the love I have always felt from him. If an elder person is 80 years old and the mother in-law tells the daughter in-law what should be done.

I do not look at Elderly Age. A woman started running at the age of 76 years old. She was not a health freak. After her getting used to it. She broke the Guinness Book of World Records. She was 92 years old and she ran a 26 mile marathon in 7 hours and 11 minutes.

She is a Mentor for people who feel old and they will have anther 20 good running years left! "Old Age" doesn't exist.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Bitter
by: Anonymous

I think self hatred is the hardest. I hate what caring for her has turned me into. I have done this for 14 years and just want it to be done.

I hate that I pray she dies. I have young kids still. I feel like I have missed so much of their life and the time I do give them I feel so depressed I'm not much fun. I just dwell on it so much.

Can't afford a nursing home. Do have aides now during the week which helps but I feel so guilty even about that. And we are paying $$1200 a month toward aides cause she can't afford it either. Two of my 5 kids are in college. I hate worrying about everything. I just want it to end.

Not to mentioned the mess it has made with my knees, back, and shoulder. It's just a mess. I hate that I feel this way toward her. So full of resentment. We use to be best friends now I can hardly be near her. Not how I wanted my memories of her to be.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Jon
by: Anonymous

Get dad on Medicaid if possible and put him in state run facility nursing home u deserve ur life
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starstarstarstarstar 		For Jon
by: Anonymous

No one would blame you if you put angry dad in a home. He would get care from those who are used to it. I can't imagine trying to care for someone who has no desire to care for himself. I understand he's has a stroke but you need help.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Not a boomer, but in the same situation
by: Jon

I'm 36, turn 37 next week. For the last 4 years, I've been caring for a parent who had a stroke and can no longer take care of himself.

I don't have a life; no peace, no rest, no savings... Forget having a wife, or a future, or kids, or even a girlfriend for that matter. I don't even have friends.

My time is spent caring for this angry, crazy, 75 year old man who is morbidly obese, and suffers from extremely swollen legs and feet that leak foul smelling fluid.

He refuses to do any leg exercises, refuses to do anything to help himself, refuses to work with me, and refuses doctor visits. I think this is his way of killing himself.

I've went financially broke buying all of his medical equipment, and physically destroyed my body trying to lift him from chair to char, or the chair to the bed, and back. Moving him anywhere in the house requires a 2 hour ordeal.

All I think about all day is making a noose of out electrical cord, hanging it from the rafters in the attic, and dropping through the square in attic's floor.
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starstarstarstarstar 		I hear you Ruth
by: Anonymous

I am in the same boat. My mom is a sweet woman who has mobility issues. She is also near deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids (why?) and I feel lost in my resentment. I have not liked the me that has evolved.

I have searched for books on the subject to no real end. I also have siblings -6. But I am the only one unemployed and I have space in my home.
I don't think there is an answer that either of us will like.

The bottom line is prayer and hopefully the resulting patience. My friend, who cared for her mother for months after strokes, said she would happily do it all over again just to have her back. I know this in my head.

It needs to work it's way into my heart. Daily I tell myself, instead of wanting to regain the self I lost I need to become a mother again temporarily. That means my needs need to wait. When she's gone I'll have all the time in the world for me again. Simple answer. Hard hard hard to follow through with.

I tell myself that as far as my siblings are concerned they are 'missing out'. If I can look at it that way and say my prayers I might be okay. I keep wanting to put in plain sight the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Good luck Ruth
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starstarstarstarstar 		Our Living Hell
by: Anonymous

I hear you. My father in law, a WWII combat vet has been living with us for the past 7 weeks in hospice.

My wife has the largest share of the burden - I help when I can, as I work full time. Outside of the home work for her (i.e., her career) is now out of the question.

And we're both 63 - not exactly kids ourselves. Dad has congestive heart failure from old age and liver failure from undiagnosed hepatitis B. H is bedridden and cannot stand up on on his own and really can't seem to use his walker. But he can and does eat and one knows what that means.

"Potty duty" is the most vile thing imaginable and I must confess hating to do it. The stench makes me sick and I'm scared of dropping him - and he's morbidly afraid of falling.

I have a brother in law who is worse than useless - he does not call, text, email or write. Zero contact. My poor wife is exhausted, even with nurse's aide care 4 hours a day - that's all we can afford. He can't get better, but he won't die. So we are literally hostages and prisoners.

No more "date night," no more dinners out, or plays, or movies. Oh, did I mention that my 87 year old mother in law lives nearby (she and my father in law have been divorced for decades) - about a mile away, independently but a walking cardiac time bomb?

She had a cardiac "incident" 3 weeks ago and had to go to the hospital -3 days in ICU. As she and I get along pretty well, I had "the duty" for that little crisis. Our lives are a living hell. Please pray for us.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Tired and ANGRY
by: Anonymous

My parents have been a burden the past few years they were always nasty negative people to begin with so taking care of them was a nasty burden to me and my brother, I lost a job last year because of them.

Then my father died of a stroke, we found out Mom has Alzheimer's and couldn't live alone anymore so we put her in a nursing home where she is treated like a Queen and does NOTHING!

While me and my brother are busting our butts to get her house ready to sell and I am POA taking care of all her affairs, we don't have time to take care of OUR homes or OUR families right now.

And the worst part to me is they bought 3 lots of land and promise4d me and my brother each a lot to build our homes on, well we grew up and they refused to give them to us.

So we bought our own homes and we have been taking care and working for everything we have our entire lives. They then promised us when they died we would get all the land and house to divide well due to their selfishness and lack of planning we now are having to SELL all the property to keep a brain dead 92 year old woman alive in an expensive nursing home.

The whole thing makes me angry and sick to my stomach! They basically were just GREEDY SELFISH People and now me and my brother are doing the right thing taking care of Mom but it is WRONG what they did not only did they LIE to us all our lives they basically left us NOTHING but a BURDEN!

Do NOT do this to your children, make a will, put all property in their names early on because Medicaid looks back 5 years and if my parents had put our name on the house and property the Nursing home and Medicaid would NOT be taking our inheritance to keep a zombie alive!

My mom is dead that is just some body over there wasting money in my opinion. I might sound evil but I'm saying what we all feel and I'm not ashamed my parents should be ashamed to put their kids through this and not give us things they promised instead it goes to people who DO NOT DESERVE it!

And I had to quit my job this year to take care of Moms affairs and I'm married we needed the money I AM NOT getting paid to take care of her or her affairs I'm LOSING MONEY! This whole thing makes me so ANGRY!!!
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starstarstarstarstar 		90 yr old mom lives alone
by: Anonymous

My mom is 90 and will never leave the house she's lived in since 1951. She doesn't need a walker or a cane and until recently was fine. A month ago her grandson whose 31 moved in with her temporarily so he could pay off some of his bills.

She told him it was fine but ever since then she barely gets out of bed. He brings his girlfriend over every day but they never talk or visit with my mom. I don't think she takes a bath or washed her hair let alone hardly eats.

I know she is extremely jealous of the girlfriend and has made some nasty comments to both of them. I feel stuck in the middle of a big fat mess. He is my nephew, my sisters son, but my sister won't say anything let alone hardly helps my mom.

I'm physical sick helping out all the time. I have a stomach or headache everyday. My husband mentions taking a vacation and I go into a major funk because I never see that happening. I just pray a lot and tell God it's in his hands.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Alzheimer's
by: Anonymous

My mom died January 2 2017 she was 92 years old and had Alzheimer's. I was her caregiver for 3 years. I understand the frustration believe me. I've lived it.

Mom wanted to stay home so my husband and I moved in with her. We received some wonderful help in the last months of her life including palliative care and hospice care. There were many times I wanted to quit and run away.

Being a caregiver is hard. But now that she's gone I have no guilt. And even though I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. I really miss her. Would I do it again knowing what I know now? That's a real hard question.

Probably, I don't know. Something that did help me through it were my two dogs. They loved spending time with mom. So yes being a caregiver comes with anger, and a lot of it, but it comes with a lot of love
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starstarstarstarstar 		Feeling guilty
by: Anonymous

My 95 year old mother moved in with my husband and me 4 years ago after having hip surgery. I never dreamed I would be sitting here writing this....I am burned out and resentful. We have lost our lives.

Don't get me wrong she's a great person and was always a good mom. I just can't stop being angry. I have no life. I sit and worry about her and watch her constantly- waiting for the next meal to be served.

We have zero privacy and I don't get to spend time with my children and grandchildren. I feel like I'm missing what is most important to me.

She says she doesn't want to be a burden but would be furious if I put her in a home. I feel cornered. I constantly pray for patience and strength but not even sure that's the answer anymore.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Baggage
by: Anonymous

Both parents very old and total baggage and stress for me. Wish they were gone in a nursing home or dead but refuse not ready yet but I truly am and feel no guilt.
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starstarstarstarstar 		No solution
by: Anonymous

I totally understand. I am in the same situation. One person said it is not our real mother who has placed so much work on us, but our tiredness and burnt-out are real. I really do not know the answer for this situation.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Put them in a nursing home
by: Anonymous

I would never take care of a parent that wasn't a good one and that constantly complained. I am fortunate that my mother was able to live alone plus she was never demanding.

Don't give up your life and don't coddle them. People giving up their life and privacy on here for unappreciative parents.

If they aren't bed ridden don't wait on them and don't think you have to sit home taking care of them 24/7. If they are bored, tell them to watch TV, read a book!!!
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starstarstarstarstar 		Don't do it!
by: Anonymous

Now in my 14th year of caring for an emotionally absent, manipulative self centered mom. I'm an only child, because my mom didn't want any more kids. My dad pretty much took care of me while I was growing up so you can imagine how I feel about taking care of my mother since my father passed away.

For those of you considering taking a parent in...DON'T DO IT. It may look like a few months, maybe a year or two but often it so much more.

They had their lives and any loving parent WOULD NOT expect caregiving from their children. If they're willing to move in and be cared for...RED FLAG! You're life is not as important as theirs!

I'm emotionally spent, depressed, and hope I get so sick that I can't take care of her anymore.

And believe it or not, I used to be the most loving, considerate, sensitive daughter a parent could ask for.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Your not alone
by: Anonymous

What your feeling is normal. What you and I are experiencing is care giver burn out. I am the youngest of 6 and not one of them helps either.


Professional care givers work 37.5 hours a week and not a min more and they burn out. You doing it 24/7. I wish I could give you a big hug. Know I am in the same boat and your not alone my dear.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Tired
by: Anonymous

Both parents in nineties I am 70. Too old to be caregiver. Refuse to leave home and have to do groceries, doctors, haircuts, etc. what do I do with them?
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starstarstarstarstar 		Understand
by: Anonymous

I'm so glad I read this. My mother is 78 I'm 53. She doesn't live with me but she doesn't drive so therefore I do have to take her everywhere.

I have been disabled myself from car wreck. I can still do things but I move little more slower & hurt a lot. I love my mother with all that I am but out of 7 kids I'm the one who does everything for her. I have 2 adult daughters that help out when they can but they work have children & have their own lives.

My siblings live out of town but 2 of them still they help out any at all. I break down & cry thinking that I'm a bad person for getting annoyed when I'm talking to mom on phone and I have to hear the same thing over again that I heard 3 times yesterday & 3 times day before. When I say mom you already told me that.

She says you didn't hear it all but I have so many times! It's so hard to go visit her & have a nice sit down conversation I have to hear every detail about her neighbors.

Every little noise people upstairs in her apartment made. Every car that came by. She smokes like I don't know what and will not vent her tiny apartment out. It smells so bad that I hate going over there & going in.

I love my mother more than life and would be so broken hearted if anything ever happened to her. Maybe just to vent will help.
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starstarstarstarstar 		dont you worry
by: Anonymous

I'm a 16 year old girl and I care for my grandma because parents are at work and siblings don't help. I mean I have middle sister and she isn't blood or marriage related and she does nothing to help out and my sis is always occupied with her boyfriend so I am mainly taking care of her.

She does this because she cares most for u and when she calls out for ur help constantly it probably means she feels lonely. I mean when every one is home she ask me to help her because I spend time with her and make sure she is fed and her room is clean and my mom does help a little but she has to work and my siblings only help when my mom makes them. I mean my real sister helps sometimes but the other one the doesn't which frustrates me because my grandma treats her like her and when I was younger my mom was always out of the house so she watched me my whole life and now.

I'm taking care of her and the time is coming but listen we are similar I mean u may have it worst but look it will get better its is she does trust u the most and u can build a stronger bond with her for there is nothing stronger than a mother and her daughter or grandparent and her granddaughter. It will get better and I don't know if u believe in god but remember if u do ur never alone. Even when u fill alone he is by your side all you need to do is stand strong and sorry for spelling mistakes I'm a horrible speller...
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starstarstarstarstar 		Burned out & depressed
by: Anonymous

I have been reading these comments for a long time. Thank you all for your honesty about the guilt, the never ending cycle of trying to make your parent happy only to see them smile for everyone but you, the frustration, the resentment, the hopelessness, the cost of eldercare, the loneliness, the loss of identity, the loss of a relationship with your spouse, the heartache, the exhaustion, the envy of watching others live their lives, the loss of income & not be able to work, the depression, the lack of exercise, the thoughts of suicide, the thoughts of wishing it would all end & hating myself for the way I feel. I pray each night for patience, hope, health & understanding of why I am going through this.

When I am no longer able to care for myself, please Dear God, take me for I do not want my child to remember as a burden but only as a parent & friend.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Just want out
by: Anonymous

Raised my kids, cared for husband died of cancer but now caring for both parents in their nineties. When do I get my golden years? So tired of caring for others just want out...
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starstarstarstarstar 		Mother n law
by: Anonymous

My mother n law has lived with us for 2 years now
I am a Maid, Nurse, Chef, Driver To her
I do this because I want to not because I have to.
With no paycheck even though I sometimes have a bitter feeling & I feel I have lost'' Me'' 🙈
I do it for my husband, my Father n law (R.IP)
& my children
Burning Sage to remove negative energy really helps.
Love: Always putting''Me'' last ❤❤
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starstarstarstarstar 		Why do you all do it.
by: Anonymous

I don't understand why people put up with being treated bad even if they are old. Also, if you don't have help and your relative is bed ridden or needs constant help, out them in a nursing home.

I am fortunate that my mother lived alone until she passed away and that she rarely complained. I don't see how all of you take it.

One thing, quit waiting on them or spending all your time with them. If they are fed and clean let them watch TV or read if they are able.

If they scream at you refuse to do whatever they want. Just because a person is old doesn't mean they can be mean to you,
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starstarstarstarstar 		Mommy care
by: Anonymous

I also am in a similar situation. Two and 1/2 years ago my husband and I moved to Upstate NY to be closer to our children.

This was discussed with mom who was living independently at the time and she opted to come with us. That being said I would never have moved otherwise. She was always somewhat spoiled before but is now intolerable.

Even quite capable of getting around she waits for me to wait on her. I also have 5 siblings but all live out of state and the only time I have respite from the mini tyrant is when my husband was in the hospital for 2 months.

If it helps I greatly empathize your dilemma but have no words of advice except for you to get out once in a while and try to divorce yourself from the situation.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Totally agree
by: Anonymous

I feel exactly the same way. Except I only have one sibling who is really far away and still working full time. I don't resent her inability to help with mom ... but I HATE CARING FOR MOM BECAUSE IT IS NEVER ENDING.

It is 24/7!!!

My husband and I (both widowed before we met) lived apart for over 20 years while we were still working. Only saw each other on weekends and holidays. We finally retired and were 3 months into living together when WHAM --mom decided to move in! ARGH!!!!!!

I am a horrible person because I want to spend this time with my husband! I don't want to service mom ALL THE TIME! The guilt is killing me and I know I'll regret this opportunity to be with her when she's gone!
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starstarstarstarstar 		From bitterness to thanksgiving
by: Anonymous

I had posted months ago, how like all of you, that I hated being in the role of care giver...even though my mother was mostly sweet and easy to care for thanks to PACE providing great assistance.

If you have PACE near you, check them out. Couldn't have made it without them. Mom came to live with me in November of 2014. I almost lost Mom in November of 2016, and I realized I wasn't ready to do that because of the guilt I had inside over my grumbling and complaining.

Most of the time over the last two years this bitterness didn't show from the outside, but my heart was ugly and that effects everything. When I almost lost her, I began to see a different person in her; a very fragile and sick individual who wasn't going through any of this by choice, one who never complained in spite of the Parkinson's disease and rheumatoid arthritis that she's had for years, and one who, in her extremely weakened and vulnerable state trusted me.

Oh, how I cried in pain over the way I have l had felt about caring for her. In those moments of deep remorse, God provided a revelation to me that the reason she had been in my life these last 2 years is so I could be in hers, at this capacity, at this time in her life, because in spite of it all, we always had a great relationship before she had to move in, and God knew that at this time, there's no where else I'd rather be than right beside her right now.

So my heart almost instantly shifted from grumbling to being thankful, and the last 3 months of caring for her have been the best.

Just yesterday, we did have to place her in a home due to the nighttime assistance she now needs. I work full-time out of the home and couldn't function well on little sleep.

But even through agonizing over that move, she assured me it's the right thing. She is so sweet and supporting through it all. So someone needs to hear this and know that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that there's a reason you're going through this.

May God's grace be enough for you for each day, as it was for me. And may your reward for you servitude be sweet and it will be right on time. Blessings to you!
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starstarstarstarstar 		I love my mom but do not like her
by: Anonymous

My mom is only nasty to me. the small remarks that get under my skin. the guilt trips. The jealousy she has when i spend time with my kids and grand kids.

I am supposed to mover her in with me in May and I am having cold feet and anxiety over it. She cant afford to live on her own the rent is going up and I get no financial help from siblings. I have begged for their help and they all say I'm to busy.

I had her live with me for a year before she decided to move in on my brother and he begged me to bring her back home. She moved out because she said I ignored her. and never took her anyway which is a lie.

But she didn't like it that my hubby and I went to dinner on Saturdays and we spent Sundays together. I also work from home but she doesn't get it that I need to work when I am home.

She blames me for my dad dying. He was on hospice but because I had POA she blames me. She tells me all the time I could have saved him. She tells me i ruined her life.

I am 50 and the youngest of 5 and the most successful.I just do not want to take care of her. I want to be like the rest of my family and just visit twice a month.And then I feel bad for thinking this.
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starstarstarstarstar 		It will end onend day
by: Anonymous

My 7plus years of caregiving have just ended. There were times it felt like hell, especially because Mom was so smiley whenever she had visitors.

Thank God some visiting health care professionals knew what it was like. Mother and I had never been friends. These years of caregiving have been bad for my own health at a time when I should finally be living for myself.

Now, I feel no guilt because I was able to hug Mom and hold her hands in the months before she died. Hug and hold and look them in the eyes. You will feel better for it later.
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starstarstarstarstar 		So many in the same boat
by: Anonymous

I just found this forum, I see so many of us are in same boat. It's awful boat to be in. I feel like it's sinking. I'm Just keeping my head above water. I am dealing with my 90 year old mom. Dad passed 8 yrs ago.

Unfortunately we built a home next door to mom and dad. So I am stuck being the caregiver of a narcissist, self righteous, demanding, obsessive mental mom who has been ill her whole life and never got the help she needed. She has not been close to any of her 3 daughters. Nor her 4 grand children.

She is/was always unattached emotionally and has no empathy for anyone other then herself. She always fought with my dad. He would hide in garage from her just so he wouldn't have to be around her. She had her daughters clean her house top to bottom. Every week and white gloved us.

Leaving us lists, wash windows, spring clean, while she went to waitress. She never bothered to have mother daughter time. Now in her old age we have to feel sorry for her. And be there constantly for her.

She never even visited her mother when she was old. Her whole life it's all about her and she is so selfish. I am extremely resentful over the past. My 62 years i have been controlled by her. I want to run away.

I try to do my best to help her but everyday she complains about something or someone. My sisters resent her too. You can't please a narcissists. Impossible.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Sick and Tired
by: Anonymous

My Dad paid no attention to his grand kids while they were growing up. He was a decent Dad. But he has become so selfish and hateful. He demands everything he gets. Let a neighbor stop in and he is all sweet smiles.

I despise caring for him. He obsesses over his blankets not being right, and tells me regularly that he's the one who is sick. He complains about the food and acts like a grump.

He complains about the door being opened too much letting all the heat out. If I change a light bulb, I have to screw it in some place else to be certain it's truly burned out.

I never knew a person could be this crotchety. Nothing I cook tastes good, it's only fair. I should have run away when I had the chance. He acts like a sulky, spoiled kid.
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starstarstarstarstar 		forgiveness
by: Anonymous

Don't feel guilty. You have the right to those those thoughts and feelings. Pray a lot it helps even when you cry aloud it cleanse you. Your not alone.

You think you have it bad. My situation is similar in that your mom loves you. My mom hates me, calls me names goes out and tells me nothing.

Takes money out of the bank and gives it away does not remember taking it out and what she did with it. She has early signs of dementia and no one helps me neither. She has even hit me.

Family talks a lot no one understands no one wants to help. She is lucky to have a wonderful daughter like me I left a good job to back to help her. I pray everyday to help keep me strong.

You see there are others that are in worse situations. Pray keep your faith we have too. God bless you!
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starstarstarstarstar 		I cannot keep supportng my mother's dependency.
by: Anonymous

My mother is extremely weak ("generalized weakness"). She cannot ambulate. She complains that she needs to go into a nursing home.

She never follows through on calling anyone for information. She relies extensively on my 8 year old daughter.

I am the indentured servant; yes, she pays my car insurance and I get FREE room and board. I have 3 other siblings who call to check on her but don't offer to help. Because of the stress, I am having (stabbing) chest pains.

I am tired of the whole situation.

She has PT and OT coming to the house 2x/week; she will not do the exercises! And yes, in my opinion she has forgetfulness (dementia).
What should I do.
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starstarstarstarstar 		You are a good person
by: Anonymous

Thank you. I know that sounds silly but your message made me feel I'm not alone. My Mother in law moved in upstairs apartment 5 years ago and I was always an easy going caring person.

Now I wake each day wondering if this is the day she passes. This is horrible to admit. My husbands two brothers do nothing. It is all on my husband and me.

She wants me in the house and to never leave. She writes down my schedule and if I'm 15 minutes late, she calls my cell. "I'm worried about you" it is just she doesn't want to be in the house alone. I'm talking about a 5 o clock yoga class.

If I start to talk and not home by 6:15, my warden is calling checking where I am. As I type this I know it sounds stupid but it is so irritating having to check in and constantly be at beck and call.

Especially when my Father in law was alive they didn't want to be bothered with us or our daughter. They didn't want to be grand slaves. Who is the daughter in law slave now. Thanks for letting me vent.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Love means YOU first!
by: jenn

Hi Caregivers,
If you were not around what would happen? Things would certainly fall apart because the person who is the family slave would have to be replaced.

After a month of shock and forced conversations guess what? It would somehow get figured out. Maybe the family would be forced to make some arrangements, dig into their pockets and HIRE another slave.

This is actually not about the parent you are being saddled with, it is all about you and your own life, your ability to love and care for yourself so that you have the energy to love and care for others.

If you love yourself you can see that the only person in control is you. So why are you putting yourself in this position of being a victim? To ponder this question, start the self love process and set boundaries RIGHT NOW.

This can be anything. For example, right now I am going to go fro a nice long walk to ponder. Then I might take a vacation and drop Mom off at a relatives house with a suitcase filled with clothes for a week or maybe two.

If I can't afford to go away I am going to take a staycation with no phone, no communication, and I will hide my car somewhere, locking the house and taking time off of work...to ponder. So try it. It is your life and only your life.

You can be fulfilled and happy by allowing your caregiving days to be over for now. Your parent can be taken care of by siblings, the healthcare system, or have someone come to an apartment where they live.

If you remain a caregiver your life will be shortened, it is a scientific fact, stress kills and caregivers are at the top of the list. Live by loving yourself so you can have some energy to love others.
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starstarstarstarstar 		To the young lady who wants to join the coast guard
by: Anonymous

I understand and appreciate your desire to help take care of your Mother and you should be commended for sacrifice in caring for her and for keeping the family together.

However, in my humble opinion you should follow your dreams and enlist immediately. You are only young once and while now it may seem like you can put your life and dreams on hold for a few years while caring for your family and pick them back up later. I assure you that life has a way of changing course and within a few years your options will be greatly reduced.

Your Mother is still very young and you could find yourself as her caregiver for many many years to come and never have had the opportunity to live your life and dreams. Please read the comments from all of us older people who have struggled so much caring for our parents. I assure you that you do not want to turn into us.

Please check into local resources and come up with the best care plan possible for her and then go live your life. You are not responder for your brother or his child and should not feel guilty for living your life. Once you've made the best plans possible, go and live your life and when things go bad at home and they will, DO not feel guilty thinking things would have been different if you were home.

Things go wrong and we can't control everything and we are not to blame for everything. You must live your life now!! Please do not wait!
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starstarstarstarstar 		i know this site is for baby boomers..
by: Anonymous

I know this site is for baby boomers, but I am 20 and my mom is 43, she has MS, and she is sometimes unable to even move in the evenings.

I still live at home, with my younger brother, his 9 month old daughter, and his girlfriend. I would like to go to college or I would like to go into the coast guard, but if I leave my family would fall apart, I am my mom's care taker, and the mushy stuff keeping us together.

I left for a few weeks once and every thing went down hill fast, the baby's mother (not the girlfriend) has tried to kill the baby 3 Times, my younger brother had become an alcoholic, and my mom had become so stressed she almost had another relapse.

And I am worried that if I leave again, things would go down hill again. But the thing is I had already told my family that i had signed up for the army and they already think I am a joke for trying to find what my career should be.

And they don't think I would stick with something at all. So, I cant turn down being in the coast guard if I get into it, but I cant leave if I do. I just don't know what to do.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Me too
by: Anonymous

My mother has severe anxiety (I think) she is so scared of most everything. Has been to many medical Doctors and no help. She lives completely in the dark in her house. She says if she sees any light her skin burns.

The windows are completely covered zero light comes through. She is the type of person that thinks if she prays enough she might be protected. Well my dad was doing everything for her and he died and now it's me and only me.

I certainly do not want her to pass away but she has given up on life and thinks I should also. I know I can't do this for along time. I have the same feeling many others have.

I am 60 and retired I should be enjoying my time. I really resent what's going on.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Me too
by: Anonymous

I also suffer from deeply ambivalent feelings about my elderly mother:
I am proud of her recovery from illness, but half wish that she had died on the operating table.

I feel ashamed when she tries to manipulate others against my sister, and ashamed when I stand up for my sister, or other people that she is moaning about.

I am afraid that I am going to turn into her in the future, as this was what my Nan was like too, who I had to help to care for from the age of 14.

Counseling in the past has made me realize what a toll this took on me, and here I am, trapped in the same situation again.

I am trying everything that I can to stay positive, but some days I just feel trapped, resentful and guilty all at once.
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starstarstarstarstar 		So sad but glad I am not the only one
by: Anonymous

It helps knowing I am not the only one feeling the resentment I feel at losing my own life. I am 63 and did not plan on being a "mother" at this age.

My mom has lived with me over 20 years And is 87 but the past 4 years have been hell and are getting worse. How much longer can I take it?

I hate feeling like I do. I know she cannot help how she is but try as I may I cannot help feeling this way. I pray daily for more patience and compassion.
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starstarstarstarstar 		sick parents
by: Anonymous

I have two brothers who take my parents out for a coffee or a meal, me and my husband clean and take my mum shopping once a week, but this is our day off together and we like to spend time together going out and enjoying life.

Recently, I have been going to see a mental health carer for myself as I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, I also am at physio for a bad shoulder.

My mum told me I am always arranging stuff on my day off and it's like they don't see me and I'm always in a rush and she thinks my physio is a waste of time.

She is so bitter and just says things that hurt me all the time like I should give up my day off with my husband just to take her out. Rant over sorry but I feel so controlled by her it makes me feel so guilty .
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starstarstarstarstar 		This is BS
by: Anonymous

send her to of to a nursing home no point in dealing with all of this by yourself when your have 9 other irresponsible siblings who don't care and are living their own lives worry free while you lose yours taking care of your mother.

I don't agree that children should lose years of their lives taking care of their parents when they are on their way out. Let the professionals deal with it.Parents who have kids for this very reason are selfish IMO
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starstarstarstarstar 		Lord God please kill me
by: Anonymous

I was turned into a caregiver by my mom so I could care for her mother at the age of six it has been my job my entire life to care for my entire family grandma mom sister brother father niece and nephew each and every one of them financially and physically.

I resent them all so much that it harms my walk with God I am now 52 and am my moms only personal caregiver. She was never loving or caring towards me and at times I could feel her resentment so much so as a child I asked her at 7 years old if I was adopted.

This feeling has never left me due to her distance and usury. I have had to put her in a nursing home after a very long struggle to help her care got way above my efforts and ability.

I have gone through debilitating guilt and I am about to die from the stress of it all seeing heart doctors and a neurologist. I am so tired and having severe anxiety attacks begging God to just please kill me.

I cannot function and pass out from not being able to breathe or stand upright. I am so demented from all the phone calls I have to make on her behalf and going to the nursing home everyday for hours trying to make her happy.

Help me stop. I see no way out pleasing to God I am in hell losing God and my husband my home and my very sanity.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Not the only one
by: Anonymous

Many of you express the exact feelings I am having
with my elderly mother living with me. I hate resenting her but just can't take it any more. I want my own life back and frequently consider suicide just to get out of it. It helps to hear that I'm not alone.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Elder Care Anger
by: Dena of Oklahoma

My dear....we KNOW who you are.
You are one of us; a loving, caring son/daughter/spouse/friend who is caring for someone you love but it is sucking the very life out of you.

Don't beat yourself up.
Love ya
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starstarstarstarstar 		Does not make me feel good knowing this is happening to a lot of us, it still stinks
by: Anonymous

I am the caregiver of my mother and everyday I tell myself I will not do this to my child. My mother saw her family wait on her mother when she got old (there were 12 children most living close by) and she expects the same from me!

I retired May 2014, Dec 2014 she went into the hospital for an operation, did not expect her to survive but surprisingly she is still with us.

But since then I feel like a prisoner, she wants the same treatment that her mother received but it is just me!! We live with my sister who still works and the rest of the family is 5 hours away, mom is very arthritic and can not travel, so it is me who takes care of mom, if I volunteer too much she gets sick, if I make plans to do anything regular she gets sick, she needs to feel that she is my main concern.

Mom likes to say that she always wanted someone to cook and clean for her and now she has someone to do it. As a volunteer for Hospice I go to many living centers and do not want my mom to end up there, but I can understand why people send their love ones away.

I am a veteran, worked in construction, raised a son by myself, became a Forest Ranger (wild land fire fighter) and taking care of my mom at this stage of her life is the hardest thing I have done.

It takes so much of myself at times I lose who I am and feel I am a slave and actually look forward to the day I get my freedom. Its sad to see what I just wrote but it feels so good to say it with out anyone knowing who I am, the guilt seems like 3rd person.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		It helps to know there are others struggling with elder care issues.....
by: Anonymous

It is somewhat of a comfort knowing there are others struggling with the same issues. My mom who lives with me is 86 and starting to suffer from dementia, her short term memory is going so she repeats herself and has difficulty remembering 5 minutes ago.

One of my struggles is that physically she is in very good shape, ambulates with no assistance what so ever and is really the picture of health but because she is so depressed/anxious and negative, she refuses to help herself.....even though she is 100% physically capable.

She will make herself tea and toast, but nothing else. She has a good appetite but won't cook. She used to clean what she could around the house but now refuses because she "just doesn't want to."

She sits and reads the newspaper and that's the extent of her activity other than staring off into space. I have told her she needs to be more active and when I take her out it puts her into a great mood and she's her old self again....but the next day or two and she's back in her misery with a negative outlook on everything and doom and gloom attitude.

I have discussed this with her doctor and she has been on every antidepressant/anti-anxiety medicine there is and nothing seems to help.

I have explained to her perhaps the medication isn't working because she is depressed because of the situation she is in....lack of activity and lack of intellectual and social stimulation. She doesn't have any friends her age so I suggested visiting the senior citizen center.

I have gone there with her but she doesn't want any part of it. All she seems to want to do is sit and be depressed and anxiously worry about illogical things.

I continuously reassure her to help elevate her worries and have tried to help her see how wonderful her life really is and all that she has to be grateful for. She acknowledges it but shortly after is back in her miserable state.

How do you help someone who has given up and refuses to help themselves?
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starstarstarstarstar 		I am Drowning
by: Anonymous

I have my 79-year-old mother living with me. I am an only child and have no other family to help. We moved to NYC from Florida and I thought being in the city would be great for her.

She will not go further than one block away without me. She relies on me for everything even though there is nothing physically wrong with her.

I am in graduate school and working and I feel like I am hanging by a very thin thread. I have no life except for coming home and doing everything for her.

I feel guilty going out because she is home alone when I'm at school or work. She argues, nags and is constantly on me. I don't have a minute to breathe. I can't even kill myself because she'd be left alone. I cry pretty much every day because I feel so trapped.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Empty, Burnt Out, Guilt and ANGER!!!!
by: Dena of Oklahoma

Although it is a comfort to know that I don't need to feel guilty about the feelings I am experiencing over taking care of my parents (dad 93/Mom 89)it still hurts.

My mom has Parkinson's, insulin dependent diabetes, legally blind from macular degeneration and glaucoma and severe osteoarthritis and is now starting to experience hallucinations from the Parkinson's.

My dad is entering dementia. I have 2 brothers and an invalid sister. I get help from my older brother when he can but my younger brother says "they need to be in a nursing home. I have a job." I cry a lot. Even flirted with the idea of suicide...feel lost and empty.

I saw a counselor but on the third visit she asked "exactly what it was I needed of her or am I there to just pour out as I have for the last 45 minutes" and then she gave me a script for Zoloft....

I pray God will come and take my parents so I can feel better inside-not sick like I do now. I have been the sole caregiver of my parents since 2006 and last Sept 2015 I moved to their house because my mom needs around the clock care.

I still have my home, I just don't get to live there. I, like so many others in this post don't recognize who this person is I see in the mirror. I use to be happy and confident.....
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starstarstarstarstar 		I thought I was alone
by: Dawn

Thank you all for the comments and stories about caring for the elderly. I'm 54 and take care of my parents for about 5 years now.

I had to take a break from all of it because mentally and physically I couldn't take it. Day after tomorrow I go back after being 2500 miles away for almost a month.

My sister who lives her life, does not care about being any part of things or listening to me vent about the whole situation with my parents.

I'm at a loss with what to do anymore about getting my parents to put things in order, and not ignore the important things that need to be addressed.

Any suggestions would be good. Thanks for listening.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		angry and burnt out
by: Mary

I took care of my husband 24/7 for 7 years. He had cancer and PTSD so he didn't want anyone around him. When he died I finally got my life back for a year and then my parents went down hill.

Mom has severe dementia and is a diabetic. Dad can't walk and take care of himself, mixes up his medications and doesn't give mom her insulin anymore.

I have been taking care of them for 10 years now.

The nurse says dad needs 24/7 care at a facility but he won't go and I can't force him. I am so angry at him for putting me in this bind.

I am now 62, have severe spinal injuries from lifting my husband, plus fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. How can I go on? I can't take it anymore. I am about to go crazy.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Been living with and looking after my Grandparents for the past year
by: Anonymous

Thank you for allowing me to see that I am not alone with my unhappiness. Strength to us all.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Look for help
by: Peter in MA

Dealing with an elderly parent can be quite frustrating. I am 63 and had to retire to take care of my 95 year old mother. She can't do much for herself but she can do a few things.

I consulted an elderly services organization who were able to direct me on how to get assistance from Medicaid. Medicaid pays for a home health aide to come in for 18 hours a week so I can get out of the house for some respite.

They also send a nurse to monitor her and PT and OT therapy which is the only way she will stay mobile. My state, Massachusetts, might have better benefits than many other states but it's worth exploring.

I would hate what my mother has done to my life much more without that help. I also have learned not to let her get away with anything. If I am caring for her she has to do what I say. If she doesn't like it she can find somebody else to do it. Most people understand that.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Going insane
by: Anonymous

Have both parents in nineties mom needs eyeglasses groceries haircuts Doctor appointments same for dad how can I keep sanity with all these needs want my own life back so wrong
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Caregiving brings much anger for me
by: mkwhite

It's so good to read these comments and know that I am not the only one going crazy and feeling so angry and tired of taking care of people.

The thing about being a caregiver is that you end up losing your life because the people you care for what you to do everything and stop doing things for themselves because your serving them so well.

My Mom said to me one time, "Why should I do it when you are here and can do it for me." I care for my Mom and my sister. I used to take care of my Dad to, before he died 4 years ago. Now I live with 2 people who dislike each other and seem to dislike any time I spend with the other person.

I've been taking care of people for years and years and I don't really know who I am any more. I constantly her someone calling me even if there isn't any calling.

I forget things constantly because I trying to think of things I have to do for both my Mom and my sister. They never leave the house or their bedroom except to go to the doctors.

Anyway, hearing from others is very comforting to me because I do know that it's not just me in this situation.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Elderly Mother
by: TH

Omg I'm totally reading what I just said to my partner at work today. I had a full on meltdown because of my mother.

I know I don't hate her but I feel like she has sucked the life right out of me. I'm angry, I never want to come home and my husband and kids need me but there are times when my horrible mind thinks life would be so much better if you were gone.

I seriously can't do it anymore and yet there are others like me! I feel so guilty for feeling this way but I can't help it!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		:(
by: Violet Rose

I am so sorry and feel for all of you. I am in a horrible situation myself and feel like I want to leave this world. My stress level and depression is out of control. My heart goes out to all of you.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Me too
by: Anonymous

The guilt eats at me everyday. She's not even terribly difficult to care for, just constant as she can do little for her self. I'm thankful i do have PACE to do the bathing, don't know how I'd do that.

I work 45 hours a week and never feel much of a rest. She doesn't mingle much with my husband and i, just lays in her bed all the time. She has Parkinson's and RA.

I hate watching her body deteriorate especially cuz her mind is fairly strong. But we're very busy and i rarely take the time to just sit in her room with her.

I feel like such a horrible person and daughter. She isn't mean or nasty, very sweet, just needy. Not to mention the 3 extra dogs that came with to cohabitate with my 2. Thankfully they're good, but 5 is a lot.

When will i be good enough to not feel this constant weight of guilt!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Never thought I would HATE my mother
by: Anonymous

I am 65yrs. old and have been caring for my 86 yr old mother for the past 2 yrs. During this two year period I have become to hate my mother to the point where I just want to kill her so that I can have my sanity back.

She has been a controlling person all of her adult life but at the same time was the best mother in the world. In 2000 she suffered a CVA and recovered quite well from it.

In 2009 my only sister passed away and it was shortly after her passing my mother turned into the mother from hell. She has treated me as if I am the scum of the earth. She has know respect for me or any one else. She feels that the world owes her something and she is all high and mighty and better than anyone else.

She refuses to do or even try to do things for herself and expects me to do EVERYTHING for her. She is extremely argumentative and difficult, every thing turns into a screaming match with temper tantrums of throwing objects at me. She repeatedly tells me that I don't do anything to help her when this is all I do every single day.

She screams bloody murder whenever I touch her to help her undress or dress. She gives me a hard time when she needs to take her daily medications, if she has an accident in her bed she refuses to get out of bed so the linens can be changed. Everything I do for her she makes it so difficult for me she has even told me that she wishes I would die.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		After many years, mom no longer in my care
by: Anonymous

I was in the same situation, stuck caring for mom who is now 92. I, too, also wanted out so badly even though I love her so much.

I finally realized it was because I couldn't stand watching her decline day by day, becoming so childlike and rebellious over silly things. A regular conversation was no more. I missed not having my mother to have a normal conversation with. So I'd bury the pain.

I believe this is a slow mourning and it is the root of major depression having to "deal with it" day after day. It's not always pleasant. Then guilt steps in.

I became very withdrawn and reclusive. Then my older brother appeared out of nowhere and he decided he was going to take care of mom because I wasn't good at it anymore.

He moved her out of her house and into his. He drained the bank account mom and I had together for 20 years, closed it, opened a new one with the money he drained, with mom's name and his on the account!

Then he began trying to find ways to get access to whatever else she had. I found out what he was after next and blocked access. Then he told mom I was stealing her money because "he" couldn't get to it. He's still at it.

With her dementia she cannot rationalize anymore, she's just confused, doesn't understand what is going on, will sign any document in front of her, and believes whatever he tells her. He's turned her against me. So in her mind I am now the hated daughter who neglected and abandoned her mother and stole all her money!

After that he, behind my back, moved her 800 miles to another state so that she can die miserably all alone. Oh by the way, he's very religious too!

So I will never see her again. And yes, I do miss her a lot. She has late stage congestive heart failure and probably a short time to live. I wanted to take care of her until the end, even though there were bad days. I know she couldn't help it. So now I sit here in a different state of depression.

Needless to say, I don't speak with my brother anymore and I know I never will again. What he did is the worst thing he could have ever done. I was not in agreement with her moving, but my feelings and attachment did not matter to him. She did not want to go either, but he did what he wanted to do. She is too frail to fight, so she does not have any choice.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I feel the exact way...
by: mk

I have taken care of my blind father, my COPD with bad arthritis and then my sister moved in who has always been sick since a brain operation years ago.

Needs heavy drugs, but then falls all the time because she is so groggy. She takes tons of insomnia medication. 911 is called almost weekly. I try and be nice but I feel as though I've lost all my compassion. My Dad died of cancer in 2012, the only person I didn't mind taking care of, but my Mother and sister drive me crazy.

There is not a morning that I wake up that I'm not face with them both in pain and moaning and me running around getting them everything they need. Even emptying port a potty. This has been going on for at least 15 yrs. I feel like my time is time I'm losing too, to do things maybe I want to do. But I can't imagine putting them somewhere like a home. I wouldn't be able to live with to live with myself.

I have no idea what I'm doing day to day. I'm not a good patient advocate because I just am losing feelings. So here was my whining and I'm so sad that I feel this way. I work very hard each day to stay as positive as I can. It's hard.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Very tired in Louisiana
by: Anonymous

After reading some of the postings, what I am feeling is normal. It's been nearly 2 years that my brother and I have been going through the same thing with our mom. We are exhausted.

There are 6 of us but only 2 of us are caregivers. My mom has basically given up, does not want to be alone ever, eats very very little, she does nothing but expects someone to be with her at all times and we both have families, grand kids, etc. she doesn't want a bath, she bangs her walker all day and night and I can go on and on. It's very hard is all I can say .
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Lost my son and now this!
by: Anonymous

Always worked very hard as a consultant for 28 years for top worldwide accounting firm. Retired and got my real estate license.

Was so relieved to have a career & have life and not have to work 15-20 hours a day. No more travel and hard work on large corporate bankruptcy matters.

Immediately, as soon as I retired and got my license, my son died unexpectedly. Heartbreak like no other. 87 year mother got sick. Twin sister had no compassion for either of us and has dumped all in my lap. Sister got to have a great life. God, I wish I could die and see my son.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I'm so sad
by: Vicki

My mother has dementia and I put her in the nursing home 3 months ago after having her in my home for about 3 months.

Previous to that she lived in her own home, but I did her shopping, took care of her medications, and took her anywhere she needed to go and a lot more.

She lived in a run down $50k house and had a few dollars in savings. Her house is still sitting there and I've spent most of her savings on things she needed like new refrigerator or home health care stuff, etc.

Anyway, she thinks I've spent her money on myself and sold her house. She thinks she can go home and take care of herself. Not possible. The reason, besides the fact she has this damn dementia, that I'm heart breakingly sad is that she told my brother she no longer has a daughter.

I love my mother dearly. I wish she didn't hate me and I wish she didn't have this disease. Ha! Wishing does nothing. Hoping does nothing. My heart just keeps breaking everyday.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Then Don't!
by: Anonymous

I have walked in your shoes for years. My Father is 97. I couldn't do it anymore. The last emergency was enough for me.

I called 911 and now he's content in a very expensive nursing home. That doesn't sit very well with my others in the family. I am happy and my Father is getting excellent care. Save yourself!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Crying & Dying
by: Anonymous

A month has passed since my last post. We have been busy. I have been busy caregiving & crying for a life which was... Both hers & mine. I stay TIRED even though she sleeps a minimum of 12-hours a day.

My new prayer is that she will get a bit worse & qualify for Hospice! Oh to have a night off... Oh to have someone else bathe her...

My shoulders & back stay sore from trying to sleep in a chair next to her bed. (Haven't laid on or in a real bed for 7-straight months now.)

DAMN this awful disease! God bless us all...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		The drug industry is ruining our lives
by: Anonymous

Many elders have "Do Not Resuscitate" orders in their medical records to prevent extraordinary means to keep them alive.

Why have we allowed the drug industry and doctors to keep people alive well beyond a time when they cannot survive without multiple drugs every day?

What quality of life is there for a person who has dementia, cannot hear, cannot get out of a chair, can no longer read, and whose friends have all died? I blame the drug industry and doctors for this problem because they are making big profits from this business, along with elder care facilities. But is that the right thing for the people involved?

This blog is full of stories from people who are living this nightmare, and it's a real moral dilemma. I'm surprised we don't see more about it on the news.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Elderly husband who is emotionally dead
by: Anonymous

Wow I can't believe so many people feel like me. I resent looking after my elderly husband every day.

I try to do my best but it's eating away at me & as for food he eats like a horse. I suppose I did love him once but the continual grinding down has got to me I want my life back 45 years married & not a big appreciative sys there's noting to running a home Aarrrggghhhh !

Yes because he doesn't have to do it thanks anyway for listening I could go on & on but it's obvious there is lots of people like me but where do who from here ?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Understand!
by: Anonymous

You described me to a tee. I too feel like a monster for praying God would just take mom home. I am so done. Done with the stress, the anger, the bitterness, and the guilt.

Can't talk to anyone about it either because it sounds so horrible. Glad I can confess to you and that I'm not alone feeling this way.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Me too!
by: Anonymous

I may be late in posting a comment but here goes. Oh my goodness. You are talking about me. My dad died 3 years ago and mom develop Alzheimer's. I am the youngest of 7 and not one of her kids help. Not one.

I have to clean her filth off the bathroom floor and all over the house until my stomach sick. I hate the way I shout at her and behave angry; that's not me. God help me.

I just finish washing and cleaning for 4 hours. I want her to die or leave the house. I don't even want to eat. I'm just 22 years old.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		DITTO!
by: Anonymous

I'm with you.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Stressed to the max. Hating this.
by: Anonymous

Oh my goodness. You are describing me!! The love-hate-need a break-resentment. Don't have much family help and I spend much time angry and in tears. At least I see I am not alone.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Selfishness
by: Anonymous

I have two sick children one with Renal Disease the other has Autism that's a lot of work alone! Without my used to be sweet elderly moms selfish behavior!

She lives with me & my family! & bad mouths anything about my husband, my life in general! I'm nothing, worthless and apparently I never can get sick! My back has herniated discs and I have degenerative arthritis too.

But do I get a day off or some love from MOMMA NO! SHE claims I do nothing for her and tells everyone that too! I get her medications, give her her medications, clean up her poop off the floor when she has diarrhea, clean her room/toilet,take her to and from the doctor with her wheelchair, lift her cuz she is disabled, give her her insulin, & give her food/shelter! All while keeping my house clean,and taking care of my sick children and their doctor appointments or meltdowns!

Yet this MOM talks mess to me 24/7! I do not want to take care of her anymore! But I HAVE TOO! I LOVE HER BUT DO NOT LIKE HER. HOW DO I TELL HER OFF RESPECTFULLY! UGH.... I'M SO TIRED! I'M TAKING AWAY YEARS OF MY LIFE! MY CHEST HURTS EVERYDAY! BTW... SHE EVEN EXPECTS ME TO CATER TO MY OLDER SISTERS NEEDS AND HER FAMILY'S NEEDS! BECAUSE SHES HAD IT HARD.

I LOVE SIS BUT I HAVE MY OWN DIFFICULTIES TOO! MOM MAKES ME FEEL USELESS, WORTHLESS, AND STUPID! I DO NOT LIKE THIS OLD LADY! BUT I LOVE HER. IS THAT WEIRD!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I found a solution
by: Anonymous

I am 44 and have been caring for my Mother for nearly 2 years. She has diabetes and dementia. I had my own depression when she came to live and I had to fight like hell to get out of it even as the resentment, anger and guilt produced from this situation ate at me.

I also took care of my elderly stepfather for 4 years because my mom didn't want to do it anymore. Anyway, I found a solution for me. In Lake Chapala Mexico there is a huge ex-pat community and a booming nursing care industry.

Cost of care is 1/3 or less what it is in US. I am moving my Mother there in 2 months. I've had moments of guilt but, I want my life back, I am not a nurse and it's a safe and healthy place for her.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		well
by: Damien

Not to sound similar, I to have been doing this roll of care taker for a person by the name of Gloria taking care of her father of 85 years old.

She refuses to take care of him her self stating "it's too stressful" every time she says she will do something she holds off on it or doesn't do it period.

Her father is diabetic and hasn't been to dialysis for 2 years now and I've tried everything. To be honest the rest of the family agrees with me he needs to be in a home but his daughter won't lift a finger and she is supposed to be taking care of him.

All she does is go home and lay around while everyone also does what she want's them to do.

I've warned her what she is doing is elder abuse which she doesn't think she is in the wrong or even doing so,(really sad if you ask me but she will be in cuffs if state finds out she is the main care for her father.)

He even states his daughter Gloria should be taking care of him and no one else. Honestly, I would try my best to just stay focused in who you used to be.

Regardless, I struggle everyday to remember who I once was a caring and fun person with a heart of gold but that is slowly dying. I'm 25 for god sake and I'm already negative to a lot of people.

His daughter gives me nothing but hassle. I told her I would help him in the car and she said I was being difficult. I swear she need's the police to show her the stupidity of her action's.

But alas, she will lie her way out of it. Anyways, my advice you got 2 choices and since your turning into a sociopath it ain't hard. You can place her in a elderly care home, which from most people say their freedom is taken away when it isn't, or just keep bearing with what you got your self into. I my shelf I cant get out of it because I'm being threatened with being sued if i send him to a home or even try to help the guy out. he looks very bad.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		My elderly Dad is caring for my Mom with dementia
by: Isabelle

I wish I could help my Dad more. He's 81 and Mom 82 and Dad is her main caregiver. They don't have the money to move into a quality facility.

The family doctor says Mom is not ready for a Dementia care facility. She has become very argumentative and super critical. Mom can still care for herself but Dad does all the housework and the shopping.

Dad called me yesterday in tears because Mom would not let up and now she is accusing him of stealing!

He goes to his meetings and has a counselor but nothing really changes. Even though Dad knows that her anger stems from fear, he finds it hard to bear day in day out.

My sister lives close by and brings home cooked meals and is their power of attorney. But my sister is burnt out from both of them and just tries to keep at a distance for her own sanity.
I go every month for the weekend and call often but I wish I could do more.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I have been there twice
by: Anonymous

There is no shame in wanting to have your life and your sanity. I went through this for four years with my dad before he died. I was his caregiver and it completely took over my life.

I neglected myself and my family. Dealing with all of his health issues, taking care of my mom who didn't drive, working and having my own family, I almost lost my mind. My dad has been gone four years, and I still have not recovered.

I had to quit my job and start going to
counseling. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2014. I took care of her in my home for six months, until I saw myself starting down the same road again.

I know I could not survive it again. I decided to put her in an assisted living. It is a wonderful Christian place. I deal with the guilt everyday of her being there,, and her asking to come home. I am telling you this from experience.

I am 55 and I have always been extremely close to my parents. I thought I could fix everything, and I was ready to die. There is only so much you can do before it starts affecting you physically and mentally. It does not mean that you love them any less if you realize the situation is beyond what you are capable of handling.

I would have given my life to keep my dad alive and I almost did but it did not change the outcome. He is still gone. Please listen to someone who has been to the edge and I am still struggling. Take care of yourself. If you don't no one else will.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		My life my own again
by: Bring me back to my good place

I am a daughter in law taking on the roll as a daughter as her own daughter's don't want to help or even care.

My husband and I have been doing this for the last year and I never thought it would really bring me to the point of lost and someone else's life. I do wish for all this to end so I can have my life the way it was. She has dementia, an amputee, chronic heart and kidney and is on so many medications.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Response
by: Anonymous

YOUR anger will pass; but it will sadly arise again. Clearly you have taken on the care of your Mother for MANY reasons...

Keep in mind, if you CARE ENOUGH to be ANGRY; you probably care enough to FEEL GUILTY. ESCAPE won't necessarily provide the relief you seek. (Unfortunately we can't make/FORCE others to behave more responsibly or kindly.)

Wouldn't it be SAD if you leave & feel no better? Think your plans thru & take action so that you can survive & be HAPPY!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I want to end this
by: Anonymous

Please someone reply. My mother is in perfect health she is 73 and I am 50. She don't drive. I promised my dying father I would take care of her. She is a complainer.

No one could cook or clean better than her. I feel like her driver I need to go here I need to go there. This is ever Saturday after working all week. I have 3 brothers.

None of them will help and pretty much said I'm stuck with her. Which I hate them all now. I have a son that I was not raised for by me because I'm to busy with my princess mother. In 3 years I am moving out of state and I don't care what happens to her .

She is so mean and uncaring. She don't have a nice thing to say about anyone. In three years my brothers will have no choice cuz I'm done!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		This too is my life.
by: Mary K

I know this situation only too well. I don't know of a way out either. And whatever way there would be would make me feel so horrible. I don't know myself either. Wish there was a better answer, but for me it just seem like a dead end.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		No way out
by: Sandy

So sad that the only solutions for us are suicide or running away!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		What to do
by: Anonymous

Still have two parents in nineties and boyfriend who wants to marry me and move out of state how can I take care of parents and move w boyfriend too
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		GRANDMA
by: Anonymous

Taking care of 95 year old grandma. I love her but dang, you all give me comfort in knowing I am not a cold heartless person to want to go back to work and get her full time care.

She is mentally there but slow. I had to quit being a cath lab nurse of 20 years to care for her full time.

Lucky though I have a wonderful sister who is helping me place her now in nursing home. She just don't know it yet. Will be sad but best for her and me. These feelings are normal.

Your all not heartless, take care of yourself. Thank you for your sharing
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Why me
by: Anonymous

Having to check moms Coumadin am not a nurse so tired ready to put myself in nursing home they both parents refuse to go am either going to kill myself or put me in home so not right
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Bless us
by: Anonymous

Cannot believe am daughter 70 years and forced to care for BOTH parents in their nineties that have their own health issues. They refuse to leave their home what can I do except run away or commit suicide
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		My Mom
by: The one Son

My mother's 90 years old now I've been taking care of her with my wife for 15 years. We never thought it would last this long.

We completely put our whole lives on hold thinking it may be less than 5 years. Now she's nothing but rude to me as I can't do anything right and she snaps at me for saying a word to her and I owe her and thinks she can say anything she wants to me because she's my mom.

It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I have all the same thoughts everybody else has. I can't do enough good things, lease car special for her it's not good... she doesn't get into it. Well I don't do enough for her. I don't understand that she can't do what she supposed to be able to do. It just goes on and on and on with everything. She's cold, she wants the house to be 80 degrees winter and summer, she's so paranoid. I'm just babbling at this point cuz I'm so frustrated and riddled with guilt.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		What to do
by: Anonymous

Parents falling down, crapping all over themselves and in denial. Do I need court order to place them in a home for care?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Don't want to do this anymore
by: Anonymous

So tired do not want to do this anymore have thought about suicide life has become too hard dealing w two 90 yr old parents not what I expected for my golden years why do they do thos
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I thought I was alone
by: Anonymous

I understand you completely. I have same thoughts and feelings and I too feel guilt. My mom and I have lived together since I was born, out of guilt I never moved out on my own n now she definitely cant be left home alone, I broke down crying today n I cant stand it anymore.

I'm with her 24/7 and feel so lost with no real help. I know my kids ( still in high school) feel trapped in their own home as well, we no longer go out as a family).

I couldn't even go to the ER when my blood pressure was 176/114, chest discomfort, had no one to stay with her during the day. Reading your post at least makes me feel I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

She is 100% dependent on me n what else can I do, I know best option is a facility but no money(she is medi/medi) n guilt stop me from taking that route.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Takes a village
by: Anonymous

Takes a village to care for two 95 year old parents so much responsibility and worry. Will not leave house.

Live in country not close to any resources etc. They are not in right minds and nothing I can do. Very frustrating should I just let em rot leave them be? Don't know what to do anymore at my wits end.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		No comment
by: Anonymous

Dr. Kevorkian had it right. Give em shot put em out of their misery. Society is more humane to animals than people, so very sad.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Medicine doctors hospitals
by: Anonymous

Medicine doctors and hospitals keepin these very old people artificially alive but no help for their care it is all money for them and horrendous expense and energy for elderly and their children just not right
Rating
starstarstar 		Mother in law with COPD, No my marriage is dead.
by: Anonymous

My mother in law is on hospice for end stage COPD. My wife moved in with her 18 months ago to take care of her. She has 5 children but my wife is doing all the heavy lifting. My mother in law at this point is nothing but a black hole of life sucking need. She has killed my marriage. I wish she would die. Can't come to soon.

Who knows, maybe in the future my wife and I will reconnect. Maybe I'll ask her out on a date after the old bitch is dead.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Not right
by: Anonymous

Not what I envisioned for my golden years taking care of not one but two 😂90 year old parents. I am almost 70 and need help myself. What is a good daughter to do... so exasperating feeling old and helpless as they are just not right.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Can't run away from the guilt I will have if...
by: Anonymous

Yes I want to run away & get my life back; but "SHE" has no one else to care for her.

SHE has Alzheimer's, 2 broken hips & knees with no cartilage. I have gotten a broken foot, thumb & tendinitis of the arm & shoulder. I have been bitten, & sleep deprived for months... SHE thinks I am her hostess or the maid; I am actually the only unpaid person who is taking care of her.

I do the things SHE needs & make myself do the things I must. If I were to neglect ANYTHING, the guilt I'd feel would be relentless! At this point, I hope I can still have a bit of life after SHE is gone... I REALLY DO HOPE!!!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Response to, I understand
by: Anonymous

Dear I understand,

Trust me, we all understand where you are coming from. When we all agree to take care of our parents, we assume we are taking care of the wonderful people we have known our entire lives. I'm not quite sure what happens but no more than we begin our journey, our parents seem to become totally different people, the very people who once cared so much for our happiness now seem determined to make us miserable.

I have spent the better part of three years trying to figure it out. At first I had patience and tolerance but that passed quickly as it became obvious my Mother wanted to be the entire focus of my life and found ways to keep me worried or inconvenienced at every moment.

I remember thinking how I wanted my life to be my own again and then I spent a great deal of time mourning the part of my life that was lost.

I became bitter somewhere along the way and while I love my Mother deeply and will continue to do the best I can by her, I no longer like my Mother. At first I felt guilty about feeling that way, but now I'm mostly just angry that she abused my love for her .

I keep wondering that if I live to be old and feeble maybe I'll understand why she does the things she does, but I will never put my children in this type of situation. I'll be glad to go to a nursing home..

How long will you have to do this? That is truly the problem isn't it? We have no idea how long our lives are to be on hold. I think it would be easier if we knew how long we must endure.

It seems as though it will never end and it is hard to see life beyond it. I think we could enjoy the time with our parents and handle the interruption to our lives better if we only knew the end date.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I understand
by: Anonymous

I love my mom. I promised my Dad a month before he died that I would take care of her. My three brothers DO NOT HELP ME AT ALL.

One amazing sister-in-law does what she can. I work all day and am so tired when I come home. But I HAVE to be certain she has something nutritious to eat at dinner as she refuses to eat while I am not at home.

She will not even take advantage of any foods I have for her in the fridge while I am at work. I am so frustrated. I find myself wishing my life was my own... again.

How long will I have to do this? It's been 2 years. She is 84 and has the beginnings of dementia. I want to run away.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I can so relate!
by: Anonymous

I have three other siblings and they don't help me to help Mom. I feel like I got stuck with her! I left my job to take care of my Mom and my husband and I have suffered financially for it!

I am NOT APPRECIATED.

She tries to manipulate me and control me...using guilt and saying I am "obligated" to help her because she gave birth to me.

She says sometimes...I wish I never had kids. I can't find any good support groups to help me. I am so discouraged...and feel beaten down.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		i relate
by: Anonymous

I totally relate to all you have said. I left my job and moved in with my parents to take care of them. And when my dad got really bad my mom quit doing anything I think she was jealous of the attention a had to give my dad.

Since he has gotten better but my mom who can do more for herself absolutely refuses to do anything. And always tears down what I do and criticizes me. If she ever gave a compliment or said thank you I would faint.

I also have 4 other siblings who won't help with her because they can't stand to be around her. I love my mom but I don't like how she acts. I know she can be better because I see her do it with strangers.

That's what really hurts how can she be so nice to strangers and be so mean and selfish to me and my father who are the ones caring for her. I hate the guilt when I am doing my best.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Denial
by: Anonymous

Mom is 86. Late stage Alzheimer's. Wasting away slowly. Denies she has anything wrong with her.

All the symptoms of proactive death are present. She's on the go around the house all day doing nothing, unless I set with her and listen to her nonsense babble, then she sets and sets and sets.

She won't leave me alone to watch TV or read. She wants my full attention. I don't mind staying with her but I need some mental and physical stimulation.

She recently stopped eating and is dehydrating. I wish she would get weak enough to sleep a lot so I can enjoy reading or exercise while we wait.

I love her. I just wish she would except the truth. She will fight til the bitter end and have no closing. Sad
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Walk in my shoes before u judge
by: Anonymous

U know all human life is precious but there is a time to live and time to die when u have no quality of life and just a vegetable taking up space on this earth why doesn't god take us so very sad and most people do not understand or accept this
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Going to Tuscany
by: Anonymous

Guess what have made tour reservations going to Tuscany Italy tired of putting my life on hold for old parents they can just fend for themselves till I get back yea! Good for me I need a welcome break and vacation from them
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starstarstarstarstar 		I used to...
by: Anonymous

1. At first I used to pray my Aunt would get well.
--I now know this won't happen.

2. At times I've welcomed her declining health so I could put her in a facility.
--I know this will happen sometime in the next 3 to 5 years. AND YES, I FEEL GUILTY FOR THESE THOUGHTS!

3. As my own health has declined, I regularly pray I get so ill I can't take care of her any longer.... OR even die.

4. ALL I DO KNOW is that I can't keep her busy. She wants my full attention or tries to get out of her wheelchair...
----God bless us all!
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starstarstarstar 		She is 100
by: Anonymous

My mother-in-law is 100. She is miserable every waking minute. She sits and does nothing - simply waiting to die.

Talking to her sucks the life out of a person. I believe she will outlive me.

My anger is over her failure to appreciate life the last 15 years. My mother, who saw every day as a gift, passed away too soon. If she had the privilege of living to 100 she would still be smiling.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Waiting to live my dream
by: Anonymous

I am so ready to move out west retirement village resort but cannot because 90 year old parents still need my help so, will put my dream on hold for now and when parents finally gone will get packing and moving I can live with decision but one of hardest I have ever had to make
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starstarstarstarstar 		i have moved on
by: Anonymous

i left a comment on here awhile ago about my partner moving to take care of his mother, I finally said she needs to be in a home so we can move on. He has been away a few years and they can't travel so I travel to see him and his mom.

I am early fifties still active still have a lot to do and decided over the summer that I am not waiting and ended it with partner, was hardest thing I could do and said your mother needs care beyond what you can give her, she is not in the right mind and to let her determine to stay in the home is ruining your life as well. We will remain friends but that is it. I have moved on met someone with no baggage and am happy and living again, I will never put my kids through this...good luck to all in this spot it is a tough one
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starstarstarstarstar 		I am with you!
by: Ken

My Mom is 95, she has been living with me now for eight years! First I had both Mom and Dad, then Dad passed away, I moved back to Moms house with her. Big mistake!

For the past eight years, I have had no life. I have no friends, I never go anywhere. My life is spent taking care of Mom.

Like yours, she refuses to do anything. She just sits in her chair all day, and expects me to sit with her. If I leave even for twenty minutes, she complains " did you get lost".

If I go outside and work in the garden, or the garage I have to check in every five minutes, or she starts screaming.

Then last night, she somehow managed to flush her depends along with her bladder pad, down the toilet! She insisted all she flushed was TP! When I finally managed to get it out an hour later, she still denied putting it in the toilet. "Well it must have fallen off the sink".

I told her it was soiled, it wasn't a new one! Now she is moaning and crying because I treat her so bad! I'm lost just like you!
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starstarstarstarstar 		I dont want to do this anymore
by: Anonymous

I really feel for you. you love your parent but at the same time just want this to end. My parent is not as bad as yours, I don't think. He can get around pretty well.

He had a stroke and now has dementia. Hard of hearing as well. I am so glad we live in the country because I have to yell so loud for him to hear me, I'm hoping the neighbors don't think I'm yelling at him in anger.

He does not realize I am his daughter. He remembers everyone else but his 2 kids. I know what you mean about not doing anything. He sits there or stands and stares the whole time I am working around the ranch. It drives me crazy! I'm sorry for my ranting. I cant talk with anybody because then I'm such a bad person and not a loving daughter. Sorry
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starstarstarstarstar 		Learning to prepare
by: Anonymous

Both parents stayed in house too long. They and their house are deteriorating. So sad...

I am preparing to stay in my home but instead of having my kids get my groceries take to doctors, I will put myself into independent living and not put them thru this horror.
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starstarstarstarstar 		My aunt wants me to keep my cousin
by: Anonymous

She's 73 years old, gets around pretty well, has enough funds for retirement the problem is her son, she spoiled him rotten, he's 50, when we were younger (I'm 52), she would make me kiss his ass.

My mother was working and if I didn't do what she said she'd tell my mom, and I'd get In trouble.

After high school I left, joined the Army, while I was away, he became a drug addict, and went to jail (in and out since 18) he just got out, he's living with her in a seniors apartment, he eats all her food, begs for cigarettes. Now she wants me to take him in. NO WAY... she calls and I don't answer, I love them both, but she made that mess, I'll let her deal with It!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		At my wits end
by: Anonymous

Mother is mid 90s. My teenager and I share her home. She had narcissistic tendencies. I have done various levels of care for her since my dad died almost 30 years ago.

Now, beside holding down 2 part time jobs and being a single mom, I do everything but feed (I cook her dinner), dress, and wipe my mother.

She has had dementia issues. I have POA, and am getting legal documents wrapped up siting me as her official care giver.

We got in a fight tonight. She threatened to kick me and my son out tonight because I dared take 6 hours to myself. All these years I've sacrificed? I'm not budging. She can go you-know-where.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Smarter
by: Anonymous

Finally had enough both patents 91 and 93 living in middle of nowhere on 5 acres will not move so I am moving far away from Louisiana to Henderson, Nevada in 55 plus condo go figure feel I am dying w them not gonna happen
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		What next
by: Anonymous

My father has Alzheimer's and inclusive Buddy myxomatosis. My mine and have cared for him at home now for 1 1\2 years. Now my needs surgery. I can not take off work or take care of him. He thinks he can stay home alone, but he can't independently even go to the bathroom. He going to refuse nursing home care. What can I do. I cannot afford a in home caregiver. He is a two person assist.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Going crazy here
by: Anonymous

Parents yes, still have both most people my age in my sixties have none or just one in their nineties so needy God please take them I give them up to u help help help
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starstarstarstarstar 		Hard to please mom.
by: Anonymous

My mom never learned to drive and she never worked. My dad worked two jobs then would come home to cook us dinner and take care of us.

He died of cancer and was so overworked because he felt he had to take care of the queen. Now that he has passed she wants me to visit her every week .

I'm trying to go back to college to get my degree and I get the feeling she wants me to drop out so I can cater to her needs.

She is very hateful and mean to me as I try to please my ungrateful mom. I'm a struggling college student and my mom and brother always expect me to pay for everything when we go out to eat.

Please help me. How do I still respect my mom and show her love without giving up my life? I don't want to end up like her but don't want her to be lonely either.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Had enough
by: Anonymous

I am an only child and aged 39 mother has been living with me for 17 years and was forced to get married by her at the age of 19. She now is a stroke patient and paralyzed cannot do anything for herself and lives her life with my arms and legs.

I am tired really tired to the point where I want to commit suicide. My husband has left me due to her and now my boys are gone to university and live with their dad. Everyone has had enough and left me to it with her as she is my mother not their problem.

She is selfish and nasty and don't give a damn. I resent her and can't wait for her to die. I don't feel guilty anymore as most of my life is been looking after her and she still ain't going anywhere. I think she will outlive me. I don't know where to turn anymore I feel stuck in a rut and no way out.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Sea of hell
by: Anonymous

I am being thrown into sea of hell and insanity did not ask for this do not want this and do not know how to get out if this help help help
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starstarstarstarstar 		Hoarders
by: Anonymous

My two parents in nineties are hoarders and she keeps telling me we have no food. Got pantry full, freezers full, fridge full....just gonna let them be
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starstarstarstarstar 		I am not alone!
by: Mimi

Wow. All these children taking care of their parents. I am one of them. I really feel for those of you who have been caring for your parents for 5 to 10 years. I could never do it.

I've been doing it full-time at home for only 7 months and I wake up every morning with the voice of a teenager in my head.

Oh, that's MY inner teenager saying, "will she ever go away?!" I am referring to my mother, who has c.o.p.d. and will probably not make it another 6 months. My Mom does have a sweet side, and I thoroughly enjoyed it for the first 2 months, when she acted like a guest.

But, the "sweet" is in short supply now, and she complains bitterly about life and all the lousy people that spoiled hers. But, she has been doing that for many years.

Not all elderly people are bitter, but it is very hard to be with an elderly parent that is so disappointed with life. I love life, but it seems that bothers my mother. She does not want to hear about the good stuff.

My mother was a pretty good mom and she did not have it easy, so I have compassion. I wonder is our generation going to be so difficult? Unlike some of the parents mentioned, she does not expect to be waited on.

Instead, she pretends she can do everything and I have to be on the watch, so she does not run out of oxygen overextending herself. She is supposed to have a low sodium diet; she pretends that packaged food does not have salt, and winds up with swollen legs and excess fluid in the lungs, eating corned beef and bacon.

She also will not accept any help from friends or my husband, and certainly not from hired help. My sister is mentally ill and my brother is in a wheelchair. My mother is too ashamed to accept help from anyone but me.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I hate my mother
by: Anonymous

I understand exactly how u feel. My mom is paralyzed after a surgery & I've been caring for her for 10 years.

My 2 siblings won't help at all and she favors them over me. I quit a high paying salary job to care for her, gave up my condo to move closer to her & it's never enough!

My fiancé left me, my friends are not friends anymore. I neglect myself & now I have chronic illnesses, yet, I still take care of her. I have diabetes, high blood pressure, fibromyalgia, fibroid tumors & hypothyroidism. I often wish she would die.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Frustration
by: Anonymous

Do not want 92 year old parents dead but want them to accept some outside help besides me to help me. Cannot get thru to either one of them but I cannot live their life and mine much longer.

They say we do not need help. Guess not because I buy their food, medications, take shopping, take to doctors and mom is in and out hospital every few months. Dad is left home alone for days... falling down and will not wear life alert. Just being stubborn and proud. Thought parents were smarter.

I am starting to back away so hope will realize all the help they truly do need but they forget what I have done next day. What a thankless job I have inherited here. Non paying caregiver really sucks and frustrating Nd stressful
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Destroying our relationship,and she loves it
by: Anonymous

My friend and I both had been married before and we have grown children. Before we got together he brought his mother to live with him because she was 3 hours away and having some health issues at the time.

That was 9 years ago, I had moved in and was there for 6 years before she made it so bad that I got an apartment and now only spend weekends there.

She is as narcissistic as they come. My friend always got mad because his father never put his foot down with her. And now we argue because he says I can't change her, so I just want to keep the peace.

I feel okay you can't change her but there should be consequences for her actions. If her shoes are marked up, I did it, if she has the shits from her coffee, I spiked it. Everyday it's something new.

Now it time to stop driving so it's even worse. She sits in her recliner all day. Has gone through 3 in 6 years. We can't go away unless we find a babysitter. I say she should live in a senior community with people her own age.

He feels guilty because he brought her here. I say you tried but no ones happy. Even our priest says he shouldn't feel guilty. Everything the doctor tells her is wrong, she had a fall @ 4 years ago and broke her shoulder, now she has arthritis in it and it's stiff, no she says.

Won't take anything for it, because of side effects of medicine, if we buy food with food coloring , we shouldn't eat it , it's going to kill us.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		My aunt has no children
by: Marilynn

I stay with my aunt who is 92, and I feel I am in a hostage situation. There are family members who constantly encourage her to distrust me and to kick me out, while at the same time do nothing to assist in her care.

She has dementia, congestive heart failure, and is too danged stubborn to die. My husband lives 115 miles away in our home, and I miss him and my house.

Lately the chatter among the cousins is about the gun on the wall and if it is still there...not about aunt's health...they all completely disgust me...buzzards.

I am seriously considering alternative placement for her due to her dementia and safety concerns...she will not use her walker and insists on going up and down the stairs even though she has two compression fractures of her vertebrae...

I have to know when I am in over my head, and at this juncture, I have to protect myself if the cousins start yammering about neglect if she falls etc...I am a teacher, and even the accusation of neglect could cause me to lose my license to teach.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Feel You
by: Anonymous

we were dealing with the same thing. As long as you wait on her she won't move. So you have to stop being her resident slave.

If she can't that's different.

Maybe take her to one of your brothers or sisters walk to the front door ring it,let them figure it out. I FEEL YOU I TOTALLY FEEL YOU.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Gonna die before them
by: Anonymous

What can I do? 90 year old parents outliving all of us. Love them but am contemplating suicide it is that bad. Having to face old age and my own mortality and taking care of their selfish selves. Just need to walk away I guess but guilt guilt guilt gonna kill me I guess
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		omg..
by: Anonymous

My mom is suffering from terminal cancer and ive been caring her for 5-6 years. She is 51 and I am 21. My older sister hardly ever helped snd my mom argued with me on a daily basis. I finally packed my stuff and moved out. I feel great and my sister is handling it good do far. These articles let me know I am not alone.
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starstarstarstarstar 		Please get help from an AL or Support Group
by: Anonymous

No one here is a monster. This is all normal when faced with the family dilemmas you've all described.

I'm an assisted living professional with crisis management and counseling experience. As I read these stories I can't help but feel my heart break. You need to take care of you!

Giving up your marriages, kids, jobs, etc. isn't what your parent would want in their right mind.

They do revert to behavior that is all about "me first" You need help. You need to find a counselor who can help you have the conversations necessary about finding your parent(s) placement.

Your sacrifices won't make these situations better - and it will make your life worse. I've seen too many kids end up with health problems as serious as, or worse than, the parent they care caring for in these cases.

Spouses - same message to you too! Please call a local assisted living or support group to get help. We are out there and we do give quality, loving care.

In many, many cases - once the senior makes the move - their life is improved and the child(ren) get to go back to a parent/child relationship again. Visits are focused and not stress-filled like it is at home.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Narcissistic Mother in Law, now has Alzheimer's.
by: Anonymous

........Wow, l thought I was the only one who felt this way! It is so confusing because I have never been so angry.

My mother in law was always manipulative, deceitful, and self centered to the nth degree. She made up lies about me and talked behind my back, insulted me to my face, you name it, then repeated this behavior upon my daughters.

Now she has Alzheimer's and I have to take care of this ....sorry...witch. She has never done a thing for anyone, including her two sons. Me me me.

I am upset with myself for the fact that I detest her. When I look at her I see an ugly pig. And that is my problem, because I have never felt this way about anyone in my life.

She is ninety. This could go on for another ten years. If I outlive her, and I may not, I will not be at her funeral. It would be a farce.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Depressed and Worried
by: Anonymous

U know I love my parents in 90's but getting to me. I go over to their home drain my batteries and takes a week to recharge and I am back over to them again like a yo yo up and down. Do not think I can survive much longer my parents are destroying me. help
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You are not a monster
by: Anonymous

I was in my early 30s and my mother suffered a stroke. I had two small children, a demanding job, and a husband. Noone called.

I have two brothers. No one came to help me. I couldn't do anything without feeling guilty. I was angry. Hindsight Is a blessing. Organize a vacation week, if you can.

Pack ma a nice suitcase and drop her off at your siblings who agree she's adorable. Then go home take off all communication devices and go to sleep. You'll love your mother better. We are each other. I wish you some peace.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I hear you and feel your pain
by: Anonymous

My mom is 86 and has never been the same person since my dad left her 30 years ago. Depressed, negative, and sad most of the time. Complains a lot too. You get the occasional moment of laughter, but usually she is just consumed with negativity.

I feel so, so bad because in therapy I talk about her and have such resentment. It's not what I want to be saying in there, but I can't help it. It would be great to have the mother I want, but she is not there and I don't think she ever will be there. And I can't handle too much of her.

For 5 years I cared for her, living in the same house. When I couldn't stand it any longer I moved out and on moving day had a nervous break down thinking I was abandoning her. Funny thing, after I left she was fine. Her independence came to the surface, but she was still negative.

If I have to hear about her bowel movements one more time I'll put my fist through the wall! Seriously.

I don't know about your mother, but mine didn't ever tell us she loved us when we were growing up. Now it's like she is making up for lost time and it sounds so hollow when I hear it.

Lately, I've just resigned myself to sitting in the same room with her and not trying to force conversation. It's just painful.

I'm sorry for your predicament, and for going on about my own problems, but I believe we can learn from each other and find comfort in knowing that we are not in a lonely boat all by ourselves.

There are so many of us out here in the world just like you - just look around and you'll see plenty of people in other boats :)
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Total relief to see my thoughts are similar to everyone elses
by: Anonymous

I have 85 year old estranged father living with me nearly a year. In the last few months I have resented him. He's a nasty mean little man, ungrateful, selfish heartless and so on.

I do everything for him and he just sits in a chair all day and smokes and drinks. I have gotten to the stage where I can't bare to see him first thing in the morning, so I hide on the balcony and have my coffee till I can give him his medications, etc. in a polite fashion.

I resent him for the loss of my life as I have lost most friends and I feel isolated and trapped, I am physically and mentally drained, it's just too hard but I would feel guilty to get rid of him.

He is still mobile sort of, he's just depressing and negative. I don't know how I got to feel like this and I can't see a way clear of it. I wished I would die so I don't have to do this anymore because they say the mean nasty ones live to a ripe old age and well, that's a great description of my father. Thought I was a monster thinking like this but its hanging on to life with ya finger tips caring for elderly,
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		When will it finally end
by: Anonymous

I am female 68 years and taking care of 90 year old parents.

I will be in a nursing home before them. They refuse all help except mine. I want my golden years as they have had. Not gonna happen.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Know exactly how you feel
by: Anonymous

Heart breaking watching your parents grow old. My mum too wants only me and has lost all pride in her self since having a hip replacement 3 months ago.

This was supposed to give her a new lease of life, but sadly I feel I have lost my mum, she doesn't wash puts dirty pads all over the place (I'm the only person is going to remove them)and phones me constantly all hours. I have a very demanding job and a family of 5 already at home.

I am crying out for help but getting passed from pillar to post. She has care calling 4 times a day but this is clearly not enough and keeps winding up back in hospital. I too have constant guilt pangs and it is stressing me out big time. It is good to know that others are feeling the same, thanks for the read.
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starstarstarstarstar 		No Relief in Sight
by: Anonymous

Both parents still living on five acres in country. They are getting senile but I cannot force them into nursing facility. They fight us constantly to stay in their home. I am trying to understand but worry about their safety and well being. What do you do with a situation like this? I am beside myself and drowning feeling very old myself...
Rating
starstarstarstar 		Relieved to Know
by: Anonymous

I feel so much relief by reading everyone else's story. I was feeling so guilty about being angry at my mom. I know she exaggerates her health issue so she doesn't have to do anything for her self.

I told her when I moved in I have my limits on what I will do, she has now tried to get me to do those things and I won't so I told her if she needs that much more help then I will move out so a care giver can move in and take care of her. Well now she say's I'm abandoning her.

I will not feel guilty anymore its pure manipulation and its not gonna work on me. Thanks to all of you and your support.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Sister-in-law stole the family fortune and then tries to dump her own mother and schizophrenic sister on me.
by: CarolineLee

I love my parents, they are both in 80's. I currently share their care with my brother who lives in another city. My in-laws on the other hand, are a nightmare.

My youngest sister-in-law is schizophrenic and mother-in-law is in her 80's. Eldest sister-in-law seized control (power of attorney) over the family fortune (a huge fortune). She gives MIL a weekly allowance and none to schizophrenic SIL (who begs money from MIL).

Now eldest SIL is migrating her own family to another country half a world away, presumably to be able to enjoy the family fortune in peace (without being harassed by her own mother and sister).

MIL keep getting her friends to "advise" (lecture) me to take care of MIL and SIL but I had refused to get drawn in. Am I wrong ?

I am so angry. I cannot look after everybody and do not have a family fortune at my disposal to hire outside help.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Always a Caregiver
by: Anonymous

I took care of my great aunt, starting when I was 9, because that's the way it was then. When my grandmother needed assistance, I helped my mom (her daughter-in-law) help her.

When my Mom needed help, she moved in with me for 6 years, spent her last year in a nursing home.

Now, my husband and I are taking care of his Mom, going on 5 years. His brothers live in other states. One does nothing to help, the other sends money to help with her expenses.

A sister lives nearby, and visits now and then, but she gets mad at anything, then stops coming around. I didn't expect to care for my m-i-l and I am so angry all the time. All my in-laws are selfish.

They travel all the time and I'm lucky to get out to lunch. I hate my life.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Old parents
by: Anonymous

My mom is 90 manipulative cold hearted selfish and spoiled. My dad 92 has always been verbally abusive to my mom and 3 daughters said should of had cows at least they would have given milk lol well, anyway you get the picture. I am getting burned out and ready to just let them be. Does that make me bad daughter?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Ruth
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much! Ruth's story it matches. Want to thank everybody's stories. I don't feel I am strange.
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starstarstarstarstar 		I Pray for Death Every Night so I Don't Have to doThis Anymore I hate my Dad
by: Anonymous

I moved to NY from Florida to take care of my dad who has COPD and a heart trouble. I have tried to be nice to him but he is the most meanest man who ever lived. He has been kicked out of 2 nursing homes.

He said it is my job to take care of him. I want to leave him to rot but know it is not right and I just want him to die. I feel bad about saying that but in his eyes nothing is good enough for him and he makes me want to die.

I hope his end comes soon cause I could care less about him any more. My sister has never done any thing to help she says leave him to die .
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Nobody Understands
by: Anonymous

No one understands. Everyone so quick to judge. Walk in my shoes for one day I ask.

I am ready to kill myself. My parents 90 and 92 have no clue. I take care of them never complain but inside I am slowly dying.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You are human not bad, paid your dues... time to move on and live your life
by: Anonymous

My parents are in their 90's and living too long. Outlived my husband my sister and I feel as you do.

God please take them. I do so understand do not give up, just say a prayer and trust in something greater take care you will be rewarded.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I think I'm bad
by: Anonymous

I cry a lot. My parents have lived with me for 16 years. Now I want them to die so I can die.

And I have so many feelings - shame, guilt, anger, sadness. Two days ago I placed my dad in a nursing home. I know he hates me. I believe they both hate me. Maybe I hate them?

A lot of the time I feel sorry for them. I don't know what to do with myself. It's a waiting game. I'm done. There is nothing more I want in life.

My dreams are all gone. I'm tired. How many more days will I have to feel this way? Nobody could or want to understand.

I once had goals, now I have none but their death. I know this makes me a bad person and I feel even worse. It's shameful.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Pain and Frustration
by: Anonymous

Yes, I truly feel your pain we are in same place. Love is replaced with resentful burden and guilt for feeling this way.

Breaks my heart to see both parents in 90's struggling and going downhill fast physically and mentally.
Old age really sucks.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Reply to Comment of Elderly People
by: Anonymous

I have been amazed, bewildered and aggravated as I have watched my elderly parent become manipulative and selfish. I understand how difficult it is for you to endure it.

You do so much for them because you love them, but it's never enough. Mine has created multiple sibling issues because they talk about everyone, wants constant attention and thinks if you have one spare minute you should want to spend it with them and if you don't they create some type of emergency to get your attention.

At some point the love you have for them takes a backseat to resentment. Before you know it the care you gave them out of love is replaced with bitter feelings.

It's almost like they force you to become selfish in order to survive the situation with any sanity remaining. I will NEVER let my children be responsible for me!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Elderly People
by: Anonymous

Old people are manipulative and selfish. My two parents in 90's for goodness sake have freezers and fridge full of food but every week have list for me.

Then she feeds all these people so I can replenish. I never eat their food and they could survive at least six months on what they have but went through depression and both are always afraid they will run out.

When does this insane mentality ever get over? Well, we know that answer don't we?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		There's Nothing Wrong with You
by: Anonymous

Hi angry and resentful. I am going through the same thing. First with my Dad and he passed away, now with my Mother.

I am an only child so there is no options for me. My mother, like yours, was difficult to cope with, had episodes, incontinent..... The list goes on and on. I have been angry and bitter and wanted my life back.

I have lost two jobs and long to spend time with my children and I have wished everyday that God would just let her pass. All of your feelings are normal. She lives on borrowed time, your time.

My mother is soon to pass after 15 years of this torment and I have learned that I was chosen by God to care for my Mother. When others, like yourself, are in this same situation I can offer comfort if just to say, your not bad or wrong, it is normal to long for your own life.

Your siblings will have their own issues and guilt to deal with. They should support but you have to work with what you have. Hire someone to come in just to sit for 2 hours, even an hour, a neighbor, just so you can go out for a moment. It's hard but worth it.

Reach out to friends, church groups, Alzheimer's association. I promise you'll get through it.

Those that won't help you, don't ask them anymore. That only will frustrate you more when they say no. God bless you and I pray for you dear soul
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		She has Taken my True Love from Me
by: Anonymous

My partner comes from a very large family...16 kids, his mother called him home 5 years ago she needed help. He thought it would be a few months and he is still there. She refuses to accept any other help, she is 93 years old and none of her other children help...but they do complain that they think my partner is doing it wrong.

He has now moved in with her in a different city so I only see him once a month because she won't leave the house, she has totally consumed him and I feel I have lost the battle and we are in the midst of separating. He is my best friend and this woman who I used to adore I can't stand to be around her anymore. One thing I have learned from this is I will never do to my children what she has done to us
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		All. About them
by: Anonymous

Why old parents think all about them. I miss them caring about me and I truly miss support from them.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Not Reality Anymore
by: Anonymous

U know am beautiful woman with great life. My parents have turned me from angel baby to resentful angry bitch. Boyfriend is gone even more angry.

Gonna get my life back slowly but surely because now it is not our life but MY LIFE thank u
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Plagued by Guilt
by: Anonymous

I am pretty much sole caregiver for my mother. I don't mind any of the work, but the truth of the matter is I just don't like her.

She is and has been the most negative person I know. Reminds me why I left home. I take care of her needs out of guilt but there will come a time when I can't be her provider anymore as I will not live with her and become a prisoner in my own home.

I check on her daily, do her cleaning, laundry, shopping, doctor appointments, hair appointments, etc. She is fully oxygen dependent with advanced COPD. I remind myself that she did nothing to help her own mother or son and would not do the same for me if I needed care.

In the interim, I will do the best I can so I can look at myself in the mirror. Intellectually, I know I have done my best, but I really hope it is enough.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Help Not Venting
by: Anonymous

Is there no solutions/help can be offered all I hear is complaints and venting on site.

I have serious issues and no help. Parents both refuse all help except mine.

What can I do except worry myself to death they both outlived everyone husband, sister, etc.

EDITORS NOTE - There are many resources out there these days to help....please describe in detail, what type of help you may be looking for and those that read this forum can lend some discussion or advice.

Go to our forums page Boomers-with-elderly parents.com and describe in one of the sections what is happening...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Don't Judge
by: Anonymous

A parent taking care of ten kids is a little different than one child caring for an elderly parent.

Older siblings often help care for the younger children and children learn to do things for themselves as they grow up, ultimately becoming independent.

Sadly, the elderly only continue to decline and the caregiver often has little help from other siblings. Some of our anger and resentment comes from watching the parents we so dearly love become other people and we have a front row seat to their agonizing decline and ultimate death.

At times it feels like there is no escape, no relief from the horrors that we must watch and face daily.

If we were truly ungrateful, uncaring and selfish people we wouldn't do it at all. We are trying to do the right thing by our parents and it is very difficult.

The emotions can be overwhelming and sometimes we do resent all we have given up and how it has changed who we are, but we continue to endure because we love them.

Sometimes in moments of weakness and a complete sense of hopelessness we complain to others who understand the difficult roller coaster that we are on, we post here for understanding and support not to be chastised be people who obviously have no idea what we are going through.

EDITORS NOTE: Very Well Said.....
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Life haha
by: Anonymous

How would it feel w/o both parents loved ones in my life total relief w/ no guilt I would have life and my SANITY back so there...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Hello
by: Anonymous

Parents are 90 and 92 and I keep thinking that this may be their last Christmas....how much longer can they live I wonder?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Selfish children
by: Anonymous

A parent can take care of ten kids but ten kids can not take care of their parents.
Rating
star 		Heartless self centered
by: Anonymous

Real heartless selfish disgusting people out here who are extremely short sighted.

Do you ever stop and think how life would be without your loved one.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Glad I'm Not Alone
by: Anonymous

13 years ago my mother came to stay with me because the winters where she was were too rough.

So she would stay for 4 months or so. Then she moved completely in 10 years ago. At first it wasn't too bad because she would go out, sit outside, go to store.

About 7 years ago she stopped going anywhere other than out the front, for the last 3 she doesn't go out front anymore either. Now we are lucky if she leaves her room.

She just lies in bed all day. I am supposed to work/raise a child/cook/clean/do laundry/do her errands/shopping.

She makes a mess, drops stuff on the floor, tracks it to the bathroom, wets her bedding, throws them on the floor even if there is a laundry basket right there.

It is hard to stay happy and not take it out on her. I know it is not her fault, she is sick...but it is hard. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Old Age Sucks
by: Anonymous

Gave power of attorney to my brother in law because my sister and I are women ha ha.. but, we get all the crap like running to doctors and dentist and groceries and prescriptions, etc., yet he gets all the power gotta change real soon I am DONE
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Totally Understand
by: Anonymous

I truly understand how you feel. My mother was diagnosed 8 years ago with a chronic condition with a prognosis of 3-5 years...it has now been 8 years and I don't see an end in sight.

I too, have been the total caregiver doing everything, taking off work when she is sick or has a doctor's appointment. My other siblings do come to visit.

My mother just got out the hospital after being in there a month. She is now not walking, unable to stand on her own or do much of anything herself. I find myself getting more and more resentful everyday. I have no life.

I go to work at 4 in the morning and work in the medical field, taking care of spinal cord injured patients, then I come home and take care of her.

I feel myself slipping into a depression and am thinking about seeking medical help because I see no way out of it. You do feel bad for thinking these thoughts but I think it is just natural.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Totally Not Fair
by: Anonymous

Do you know how difficult it is to sit here waiting and praying for my parents to die?

I do love them but I guess I love me more. They lived their life and never babysat or helped me in any way but now I am forced to care for them.

I just want what they have had to enjoy my years left. What is wrong about this picture? Not fair.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Such a long f---- goodbye
by: Anonymous

I'm in my sixties waiting for both parents in 90's to die so I can do my bucket list which is moving to Vegas and enjoying retirement. I do not feel guilty about praying for God to please take them.

They lived a good life, why cannot I live mine...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Selfish
by: Anonymous

I am 58 and my mother 93 has lived with me for nearly three years. She sits in her chair for 12 hours a day watching television and will not go out of the house except to go to the doctor's once a month.

She has the Portable toilet next to her chair and will do her business, then I have to flush it down the toilet. Mum has always said she won't go in a home and that it was expected that I will look after her.

I would never do this to my children, NEVER. I have missed so many family events and lost touch with my friends. Mum wants me to just sit with her for company when I am not running around all day for her.

I often wish she would die and free me. It is not much of a life for her drugged up sleeping and dribbling I will not end up like that.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Funny how Common Their Behaviors Are.
by: Anonymous

Mine lives next door with my too-elderly-himself-to-properly-care-for-either-of-them father.

Otherwise, identical.

I've noticed that even though the Doctors are adamant she doesn't have dementia, she has a severely impaired mind now ("cognitive function"). When I'm feeling extra charitable I remind myself that isn't the real Mom talking.

But I know, and so many others on support group sites as well as geriatric workers, agree: My mother actually died a long time ago. This is a different person. And all I know is I wish this one would die, since she's killing me.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Wow, I thought it was just me...
by: Anonymous

I'm truly sorry for everything everyone is going through, but I have to say thank you for making me realize I'm not a monster.

My dad has been gone for years, and up til the last few years, my mom and I have had a great relationship. She's 80 and has arthritis and some vision problems, but still does pretty well on her own.

I call every day, sometimes do her shopping and take her to Dr appointments. The main problem is her crushing negativity. If something isn't wrong yet, it will be very soon.

Now with winter coming, my dread is increasing by the day. That always makes it worse. I'm to the point that I wake up in a terrible mood every day, and take a mild anti-anxiety med just to call her.

I've tried to give her reasons to be thankful, but that doesn't help. I've always been a happy person, and hate the change in myself. I think she's bored and needs company, but she rejects that too.

I'm grateful my husband is an easy-going guy, but I know he misses the me I used to be. Thank you for reading...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Advice
by: Marikay

I see comments asking for help or advice.

I don't know what state you're in. But, go to your states Elder or Aging and Disabilities services. Just go to them and ask if they have any solutions or suggestions, that's why they are there.

They can at least get you started. There are resources.

I know there are complaints from heirs about assets being used by Social services for their parents care. Well, why not...

You can find good care through social services in your state.
Just make the phone call.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Help!
by: Anonymous

I am desperate. My Mom took a nasty fall while
Hospitalized for a totally unrelated matter in 2011. Shattered her ankle.
Because of the insurance, she had at the time, I ended up paying for her 2-month stay at a nursing home plus costs to transport her, via medi van, back & forth to the surgeon for follow up visits, rent, etc. Had to give up the apartment, moved her in with me. That was over three years ago. In the meantime, I lost my job.

I cannot do this anymore & I so need help.

She made no plans for her retirement, saying
she never thought she'd live this long. I have
a brother who contributes nothing. Her sister won't take her ....

I don't even know where to turn. She's 92 &
so needs to be in an Assisted Living Facility or even a nursing home. HELP!! Just asking for direction.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Help
by: Anonymous

What do you do when a parent is on oxygen and are lighting matches.

Want to put them in a home for their own safety and peace of mind but both parents refuse and insist on dying in their home.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		God help us
by: Anonymous

Can you believe parent's in 90's living alone let house and car insurance lapse?

Dad 92 still driving car without insurance and mom is in the house on oxygen and still cooking. Only God is protecting...finally took over this situation but so many more, too many to mention.

Constant stress and worry. Time for the nursing home. Anyone want to give me advice?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		When can I stop the insanity
by: Anonymous

I am in my late sixties and sister also. She has paraplegic husband. Brother in law has brain damaged 50 year old son in fifties. Brother in his seventies but parents still around expecting us to help.

Already outlived my husband and sister, why do they burden our already burdened lives? Because they want what they want and are very selfish and foolish.

They will not accept any help from outside and want to die in their home but really not able to.

We are just waiting for a crisis to put one in hospital and then nursing home for rehab and guess the other will follow. Very depressing to end up this way.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Trading your health for theirs
by: Anonymous

Hello there,
I did this for 5 years. I took care of my mother and father, both smokers. Both abusive. Both non compliant and mean.

I have nine children, worked two jobs, and also ran errands, took them to Doctor's visits, waited on them, arranged care, house cleaning, etc.

It devolved into trading my life and my children's for theirs. They didn't plan for their old age, didn't plan for their health needs. Didn't plan for the preservation of relationships.

At the point where I was trading my present and future, and that of my children's, for theirs, it was time to call it quits. This is not an okay demand of a parent to make of their children. It is okay to be done when it begins to affect your health.

You don't have to continue until you are sick or dying.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		There is hope
by: Anonymous

Parents are 90 and 92 live in middle of nowhere on five acres. They expect kids to cut grass, clean house, take them to doctor's, hospital, etc.

Three times this year dad home alone run back and forth 200 miles between house and hospital pick up medications, bring food. They refuse any outside help gonna steal u get pic so tired of the irrational and insane behavior gonna be some changes real soon.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Nursing Homes are not that Bad
by: Anonymous

Nursing homes have shifts, therefore, fresh recruits are coming in every 8-10 hours. As long you stay involved with the care team, your loved one will receive great care.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Find Solutions I am a Doer not a Whiner
by: Anonymous

Have both parents 90 and 92. Got meals on wheels cause mom now on oxygen and dad tripping over tube on his walker.

Have been patient with both and paid off. Now have help 3 days week let mom check off help kept her feeling in control.

I still go over weekends, cost less for the help and neighbor is also available in her fifties.

All about patience love and finding solutions. I too was stressed and going insane with demands but you have rights too!!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Helpppppp......
by: Anonymous

Wow, wow,

Before finding this website, I thought I was the only one in the world going through this hard issue.

My grandmother has a fall this past April had hip surgery and ever since her life has not been the same. She has four living children and when coming out from the hospital they all planned to take turns caring for her.

Well, one of them backed out saying it she would not do it because that was not her responsibility bringing up the past that she was not a good mother to her, so why should she care for her.

The other three continued the care for about a month until issues happened between them and were complaining that she was feisty, to demanding etc...

They forget that she is almost 90 and just like they all have their own personalities so does she. No one ever said it was going to be a piece of cake or a bouquet of roses, but of course their easy way out was to quit on her and leave her alone.

She's my grandmother and has been more of a mother than my own mom to me, I could not just ignore the situation and leave her alone and sick.

I'm a single mom of three young boys, going to school and seeking employment, but these past weeks have been a nightmare. It is a 24/7 job literally, I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Reading your stories of having care for your family members for 10, 15, 20 etc., years really scares me. It has literally stopped my life and I'm becoming angry at the world.

But, the guilt also does not let me see things another way, like looking to put her in a nursing facility care, I could not live with myself either.

I don't know what is going to happen to me, I don't even pay attention to my kids either, my time all goes to her. This really sucks and my heart goes out to everyone going through a similar situation.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Help me
by: Anonymous

Helping both parents that are depending on me. They will not accept any outside help. I have developed high blood pressure from stress. They have outlived husband and my sister and they are afraid they will outlive me.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Place them and out of your space
by: Mari

I had to do it. My mom's dementia was getting too bad and too much for her to be rational. She was a danger to herself.

What if I came home and she had drank a chemical or eaten something poisonous? How would I feel.
I realized that would be my fault.
I realized that I had to turn over my mom's care to those who could take better care of her than I could.

Who could give her the real care she needed. I wasn't, PUTTING HER AWAY. It's NOT putting away. Remember that and it puts the situation into perspective.
They will curse you and cry, maybe try to hit you.

But, hold your tears, and remember, What will you do when you come home and find her injured or visit her and find her injured. That would be your fault.

Save yourself and plan for your elder care don't pass your care on to your children. My mom had no money but SS so I got the state involved by going to Social services. Yup, I went to welfare and they gave me a LONG list of facilities that took medicaid.

Suddenly things started moving I put my anger and all other feelings into passing the care.
It's okay your not a bad person. You'll be okay.
They will curse you but now when I take my mom out she wants to know when she is going home and she means the little room at the memory care facility.

I'm already looking for a place I'd like to go to. It can happen to any of us.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Only child, only caregiver
by: Anonymous

Mom has been here in my home with my husband for 22 months now. She had a fall and minor stroke. She suffers from dementia.

I gave up my job to stay home with her 24/7 because she can't be left alone. My husband and I used to be empty nesters but NO LONGER. It costs us $25.00 per hour to go out to grab a bite for an aide to come over.

Our finances have dwindled, we have our heat running constantly because she's always cold. She doesn't want to go out, take a ride, etc. she controls our very existence, even what I make for dinner.

She's up 6-8 times a night and I haven't slept since she moved in. This isn't how 60 year old married 37 years should live life. We have a daughter who lives 1000 miles away and one son overseas in the military.

Being an only child isn't all it's cracked up to be. She begged me not to put her in a home but I want to keep my marriage and live beyond 65. Good luck everyone!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		A long goodbye!
by: Anonymous

It has been very hard as we have been taking care of our parents for over 10 years. I am lucky my sister helps.

When my mom broke her hip she lived with me for 2 months to recover

Then they went home but it has been constant care
Grocery shopping, Dr appointments, medication,cleaning.

Dad passed last June now we are helping mom daily
It is a long goodbye....

We are all exhausted emotionally and physically.
It is a hard road that they never had to endure therefore they don't understand.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Ready to Quit
by: Anonymous

My problem is my mother-in-law. She has been house bound with self created mental issues and self created physical issues for almost twenty years. Her husband was her sole life-line and he met her every need no matter what.

In her world it is all about her and her alone. If she feels she is being ignored, she will create a crisis...a fall...an injury, etc. To make matters worse (if that is possible) her husband recently had a stroke and has been given two to three weeks to live so her life-line has shifted to my wife.

To add to the pile...my mother-in-law has never been a loving mother to my wife and now she expects my wife to take care of her every need...pay her bills...shop for her groceries...clean the house, etc.

She uses phrases like "you'll always be my daughter" and "don't talk to your mother like that" etc. She also does not take into account the fact that my wife works 50 hours a week and has a home and a family of her own to take care of.

I am so upset with this woman that I cannot be in the same place as her for fear of what I may say to her.

To give you an idea of what she is like...when we bought our home she came to visit. The VERY first thing she says when she walks through the door is "oh I don't know if I can visit here again as this house reminds me of where I was molested as a child."

Who says something like that to her daughter when she is showing off her proud new purchase. All I could say to her was "well I guess you don't have to visit and it won't be any skin off my nose."

The latest was a phone call at 3 am (she likes to stay up until 4 or 5 am and then sleep all day) asking my wife about getting her driver's license updated (she hasn't driven in twenty-years).

After a few moments of telling her this was not the time or place I yelled across the bed "tell her good night and you will talk to her later" at which point she became angry and hung up.

I am done with her.

My wife is done with her. My wife wants to turn all the bills back to her (my wife has been taking care of their finances), show her how to call a cab and never talk to her again.

The problem is that we, being Christians, feel so guilty about this.

I am at my wits end as I don't want to be a jerk to this sorry individual but, more importantly, I don't want to lose my wife to stress, etc.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I was shocked when I read your story, it is so much like mine. Mom has been living with my family since my sister passed away a year ago.

The loss was hard on Mom and me and my family have done everything we can to support and take care of her, but about six months ago she gave up. She only walks to the bathroom and wants me to wait on her hand and foot. She will not even stretch to get something from her hospital bed tray she has me get it for her.

Besides going to the bathroom all she does is feed herself. I do everything else. She has become too emotionally dependent on me and far too demanding of my time.

If I attempt to have family time with my child/husband she is always sure to create a crisis, so that the attention is tuned to her.

If I don't fuss over her enough she cries, if I try to talk to her about doing more for herself and that I'm tired, she cries. I'm the youngest of six children and get no help from my siblings at all. They don't even come to visit.

Mom will not go stay with my sisters and my most of my brothers have health problems of their own. The only brother who will help is five hours away. I love my Mom and want to do the best I can for her but I need a break.

I'm depressed and beginning to become resentful of the way she monopolizes my time. She says she feels panicked if she can't see me at all times. I've explained that this is an unrealistic expectation and a terrible burden.

She says she is sorry and she is trying but five minutes later back to the same thing. It's a difficult situation to which there is no end in sight
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I love mother, but to much medication keeping her alive
by: Anonymous

Being the baby at 60 and single and caring for my mother at 92 am so glad to have found this page.

My one brother helps a lot and the other brother visits on holidays, he has no clue. Am at my wits end. The good brother has finally realized how tough it is. She is treating him nasty now also which she has did to me for 12 years.

Have lost contact with most of my friends cause can never do anything. She is so demanding and unappreciative, its never enough. The couple people I talk to at work, which is 6 days a week and 12 hours commute time tell me I am going to hell for these feelings.

They say that's my mother, how can I feel this way. Depending on schedule it get her up in morning and make her breakfast or spending evening making her dinner and getting her to bed.

I'm exhausted recently had 2 mini strokes waiting for the big one to put me out of my misery.

My only life line has been a severe puppy mill rescue dog an abused Bichon which I got about 4 1/2 years ago. I think we are saving each other. I am so glad I stumbled onto this page. Thanks for listening!!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		No Justice
by: Anonymous

I am on both sides of this fence. Taking care of Dad while somebody else helps my Mom. I have done much work for and on behalf of my Dad.

But, I have come up short where my Mom is concerned. Long story. I am sick of feeling guilt over this situation. True, I do a lot for my Dad, but somebody else is getting the short end of the stick where my Mom is concerned.

I hope I can be strong enough to help out where she is concerned. Although I have my hands full at the moment, I have much compassion for the person helping my Mom. I know exactly how she feels.

It's hell when only one person will step up and do right by an elderly relative. I know exactly how she feels, which makes this situation very, very difficult.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Mom and DAD
by: Anonymous

My mom's 78 years old constantly calls even when I'm at work. at least five or six times every day. If I don't answer the phone she will continue to call every phone in the house. Never important, just wants to gripe about one or two of our family members or dad!

My dad has been an alcoholic my entire life, plus abusive...verbally to family, physically & verbally to mother. He has gotten completely out of control (he now has dementia from alcohol).

And to top it all off my brother and I lived with our grandparents most of our lives.

I am angry because they expect us to do everything for them. This has already helped me into bankruptcy.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Nine siblings???
by: Anonymous

Seriously, nine siblings who give you that bull that Mom doesn't want to leave you? Stop being bitter and get mad. Next time a sibling gives you that bull tell them to cut the crap, help you out or mom goes into a nursing home.

Stop feeling guilty. You have done a great job and if they won't take a turn then THEY are the ones who put her in a nursing home - not you. Make sure you tell them that.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Critical siblings
by: Anonymous

My Mom's not bad, I love her, and although I'm getting close to burning out with all this elder care (hospitals, clinics, wound care, illness, doctor's appointments and on and on).

I'm not quite there yet. I'd like to get away and hope to soon for a short time anyway. What fries me is my siblings who aren't around but second guess, criticize and give 20-20 hindsight opinions. I would love to scream: "so I did it that way -- YOU weren't here!"

Most of the time they are not here. One sister gives me kudos now and again, but my brother is terrible. He helps very little but defends himself as though he does as much as me and second guesses everything. I know it's out of guilt but that knowledge doesn't help me much.

I love my Mom but she seems to have the attitude that I am here to care for her and does not even mention anymore that maybe this is all a bit much. I guess she feels she hasn't any choice. What about me!? I swear I won't do this to my kids!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Smothered
by: Anonymous

I have been taking care of my mom for years now, she lives on her own but depends on me for everything. She is always telling me how sweet my brother is although I do everything. She tries to run my life.

My husband died at47 years old and I raised one of our children alone. Also my dad was an alcoholic. I worked 10 to 12 hour days for years, retired then went back to work for 5 more years.

I have COPD and am 67 years old. When do I get any time to enjoy my life?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Wow
by: Anonymous

Wow I thought I was the only one that felt these feelings.....
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Refuse!
by: Anonymous

I have been reading some of these posts and I can't even get through all of them because it ticks me off to no end how these crazy, sick, insane elderly parents are still controlling us adult children.

I for one have stood up to my "mother" who believe me, doesn't deserve the title! I can't even begin to tell you what an abusive, wretched thing she's always been, especially towards me! My snake of a so called sister is just as bad.

To all of you, PLEASE stand up for yourselves. There is no law forcing any of us to take this garbage. In fact,.I've started EXPOSING my mother and everyone else in my "family". Talk about feeling great! When done properly, these afflictors will soon run with their tail between thekr legs.

Get and KEEP the upper hand! Start demanding YOUR rights! Make yourselves so unavailable that they won't have any other choice but to be forced into a nursing home or assisted living home. Take every ugly evil comment and action they've done to you and use it against them.

YOU have rights!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I don't Want to Care for my Mother in Law
by: Anonymous

It is even worse when you are forced to be caretaker and it is not your own parent. My Mother In Law has always been a selfish taker and I know it's wrong, but I feel like her Alzheimer's is just another way she's found to take take take from us.

She is mean to our 6 year old daughter and can never be trusted to be alone with her. My husband cannot buy me flowers or anything, she is too jealous. I work full time and I'm still stuck with her 5 evenings a week because my husband's sister is too selfish to do her share (the apple didn't fall far from the tree).

Now it is her new thing to insist that we should not take vacations without her when she is what i need a vacation from! Root canal sounds like it would be more fun than traveling with her. I want my life and my marriage back.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Elder Care
by: emma

I totally understand, as I have been doing this now for 7 years straight and I would like to run away, my mother is bedbound and my husband abandoned us.

I don't drive, it has taken a toll on my health I should weigh 130 pounds, I now weigh 98 pounds, with high axiety and like you no friends and none of my siblings do anything to help, she doesn't make enough to go into assisted living and the nursing home said she didn't need one, really?

So I have resorted to calling churches and asking for volunteers to take me grocery shopping, called elder care services and found a respite worker who is paid by the county through a grant, they give me 8 hours a month, found a transport system to get her to doctors appointments. other than that, I have no life at all
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Unfairness of Siblings
by: Anonymous

It's so unfair that after being such a good daughter and for your mom being such a good mom you have to feel this way. You both don't deserve this.

Can she afford an aide, because that would be the best thing and probably she should have gotten one a long time ago. It's not normal for a child to take care of a parent. It's too much!

Your siblings are the ones that are selfish not you they should have taken turns. Your mother I'm sure treated you all equally. They are taking advantage of your good nature.

Now, you are the ine that will feel guilty not them and they should be the ones to feel guilty. In the end who get hurt. MOM
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Know How You Feel
by: Anonymous

I am caring for my elderly mother who last year had an above knee amputation. She is diabetic with heart failure.

It puts a strain on my marriage and at this moment in time I really do not have any answers to anything.

My children are just of hand, my sister who is single and childless very rarely picks up the phone.

You must make time for yourself.

Go for regular walks,take up a hobby it really does help diminish the stress.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Losing my Sanity!
by: Anonymous

I'm 49 years old. I moved on my Mom's farm to be out in the country which I love. I told my Mom that my husband and I could help her out while we lived here. BIG,BIG mistake!

I don't mind helping out since she is 92 now but it has been an every day occurrence and sometimes more than once in a day. This is our 16th year here and Mom has been sick for 3 months. My husband and I both work and we have a teenager.

I told my siblings that I would take care of Mom since I lived so close. I also thought that this would help her out financially since it can be really expensive to have people come in help out.

My one sister helps some and the other two help what they can but I am the youngest and my Mom thinks that I should bear the most burden. Every time the phone rings,I cringe because I know it is her. She asks,"What are you doing? Sleeping?! She calls to remind me to take her to get her hair done about 3-4 times the day of.

She calls and says "who is going to feed my animals and if I am running late to feed in the evening she says" I thought maybe you forgot and I was going to try and do it but I was afraid I would fall and no one would be able to help me.(Oh by the way, she has the push button necklace)...If I have to do something I need to do she likes to make me feel guilty and says "well who is going to take care of me? Dad has been gone 25 years and she has been taking care of her self most of the time.

She says how lonely she is but she has always been alone and she has a nurse who comes,a person to bathe her and a therapist and my sister and I who are there all the time basically and others.

Then she complains and says I don't know why everybody has to come at once. Then she will say no one calls but if you call she says, I'm trying to watch my TV program or I just was taking a little nap.

If I cook for her she questions why I did it that way,or why did I put carrots in it . When I get food at the store for her she says get me pork chops but get good ones,like she thinks that I would go to the store and pick out the worst ones I could find.

She also looks at me and says are you pregnant or just fat? Why do you do your hair that way? I wish you would color you hair dark,like when you were young. You look bad. Gee thanks Mom!

If I go anywhere with by best friend she makes me feel guilty-because she says I shouldn't be running around without my husband. I went out of town once with my girlfriend and she demanded that I come back NOW,because my husbands truck broke down.

If I do something for her it seems that it is never good enough! It has been over 3 months now since she got sick an it seems like 3 years. I have no time to do what I want and actually I can't remember when I could come and go as I pleased.

My husband and I would like to move away to our own place and have some privacy but she always tries to make us feel guilty about it.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		For Cathy the Grandma They Left
by: Mari K

Hi Cathy, I am so sorry that your daughter moved away. This must be so difficult. Especially, since you spent so much time taking care of your Grandson.

Is there anyone to help you take care of the land. i bet there are a lot of teenagers who would love a chance to make some money. You could check with some of the schools, etc.

Please try and get out and connect with others. Believe it or not, there is a really great website for connecting with people who like what you do. it is called meetup. I joined and found a woman's group that like to go hiking.

I also found a group that likes to knit. It is not a dating website or anything like that, just a way to meet people like yourself.
Please feel better, you sound like such a caring person.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Walked on
by: Anonymous

I feel so used...Funny just yesterday I was wondering why my mother didn't cry at her mothers funeral. I have learned why!

Since my Dad died a year ago my mother has been trying to live my life and even break up my happy marriage...she throws fits if she doesn't get her way...my dad warned me about her...she wants total control...I have to lie to keep piece.

My husband and I are retired and bought an RV. She goes crazy if we go anywhere, making fun of what we like to do...

My husband is 65, we don't have a lot of time left to travel. She is 90, lives on her own and still drives...

Why am I afraid of her? Why can't I stand up to her?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		for Help by: Anonymous
by: Mari K

Dear ....Help by: Anonymous
I just read your post asking for help. Where are you? I wish I could help you. You sounded so desperate. Isn't there ANYONE out there who could take a watch for you? You could hire an aide for $9-10 an hour for just a few hours. If that helps?

I should talk, I am going crazy taking care of my mom. But, I am so sorry you're struggling right now. We are all struggling in pretty much the same ways. But, you seemed so desperate. I don't know if it helps but I felt like dying for a few weeks all I could think about was dying.

Actually, I still do, but it isn't as bad as it was. I lost a good paying job and now work at a dept store cosmetics dept. I sometimes can't afford to eat. I am at the end of everything. I so totally know how you feel. I wish I could help everyone. I know there are support groups around where I live, but I don't have time!

I am in lala land and not able to make decisions. Plus, my mom is right above the $$ line for medicaid and not enough money to go into a retirement/nursing home. What happens to people in this position? I don't know? I want out of this elder care. I am 62. I want my golden years. I want to live alone.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Help
by: Anonymous

I just want to die from being so tired. I am doing overnight cycler treatments for my Mom every night. I need to be here all the time. The machine scares me every night.

I have lost 20 pounds and I cant eat anymore. My nerves are so bad. Can someone please help me?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		65 Year Old Mom
by: Anonymous

I am the 38 year old daughter of a 65 year old know it all with numerous health issues. She still works at her job as an education supervisor doctorate.

Anyway she has kidney disease, weight issues,eye issues, diabetes, heart disease and she just left hospital in January due to hernia that resulted because she was eating herself to death.

I am expected to do everything, grocery shopping, drugstore run,hair appointment, any old out of town appointments and just general cleaning of house, etc.

I love my mother but really want to be free to do what I want to do. I have a son who is 17 now, I feel guilty for how I feel but it's not my choice to be her or live a life like hers. I want to do what I want, continue school, work and hopefully meet my future husband.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Life of My Own
by: Anonymous

I too sympathize and relate to the postings here. I am 51 and have had my mother with me for 22 years. I have raised a son, and now he is off with his own family, and I am happy for them. The problem is he doesn't support my decision to move mom to a home where she can be better cared for.

I love her very much, but she has consumed my life and with her dementia, she has become verbally abusive and a danger to herself in our big home (just her and I live there). She also has almost total loss of her bodily functions, which adds to my frustration.

So since the age of 29 I have raised a son, and now caring full time for an elderly parent. I have had no chance to meet anyone for myself, and see that my "good" years are behind me. I have never been married either. I am so alone. All I have is my grandson and my job to keep me sane.

Every Friday and Saturday night she expected me home (including every other day of the week). When I had a party or wedding to go to, she always laid a huge guilt trip on me that was being "mean" and leaving her alone.

The majority of the time I would end up staying home out of guilt. I come home from work and she has the house upside down and I spend almost an hour just putting things back in order. Then I have to make her dinner.

I too don't eat or sleep well. I feel as though I will die before her from mental illness, as she (and my son) won't agree to move into assisted living. I am ready to cut my losses and run away from home. I have no life of my own. I feel completely hopeless. I do retain Power Of Attorney and medical proxy on her, but what good is that when I can't exercise that power :(
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Feel Your Pain
by: Anonymous

Misery loves company. I feel your pain. I am 59 years old. My Mom has lived with me for the past 15 months. She has dementia. I am retired from my full time job and was hoping that this would be "my time" yeah right. I had a part time job and earned nice money but had to quit because it was bartendering and I wouldn't get home until late hours and she can't be alone.

During the day she is okay for an hour or so but I have to be here pretty much 24/7. If I agree with her all the time and don't argue she is better. Like today is a bad day, I have been sick and have a terrible headache and she was out with my brother and his daughter for lunch. They gave her a candle holder and candles.

I told her she can't burn candles. We have been fighting for two hours because of that. I treat her like a child, she is the mother I am the daughter. Who do I think I am telling her what to do etc. etc.

Anyway, being with my brother for lunch was a rarity. I have about three dates a month that I try to get out. My sister pretty much takes those dates, my brothers, whenever. My sister isn't around in the summer, she has a home at the shore, so I have to beg to get out of the house.

This is not what I expected for my retirement years. Like you, I love my Mom, yes she was good to me, but why is this expected? I really truly don't expect my Son to take me in. He is my only.

That would be cruel I think. But anyway, I wish I had answers for you, and me. My Mom's sister has Alzheimer's and is really bad. We visit her in a home and it is a nice place but depressing seeing Aunt Nan like that.

You would think my Mom would appreciate having me but it doesn't work like that. She is not appreciative and lets me know often how much she sacrificed for me. Funny I never hear her on the phone with the boys telling them that!

I pray a lot, I sleep a lot, I go to the basement(that is where I am now) to get away. In my own home, I have to try to get away. I ask God, why? Why do people have to live this long and not have their minds and bodies and I don't get answers.I will pray for you...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Love Nan to Bits but This is Killing me..
by: Anonymous

I have so far not had time to enjoy any of my adult life. I am only 31 and for the last 5 years we have been taking care of my nan and grandad.

Grandad is a total jerk and bullies everything and one that comes into his path. They have 8 children and the only one that is interested in their care is my mum who is now at the end of her tether and totally exhausted, overwhelmed and almost ill caring for them.

She has told her other brothers and sisters that she is not well enough to continue with the care but they do not offer any support. I personally want my life back and can not see how this is sustainable while we are both working and caring full time.

Seriously, we do everything when we are not at work... everything. it is almost as if we have swapped our lives for theirs an are now eating, living, breathing their lives.

On top of this they have become increasingly more ungrateful and but more demanding at the same time. My nan would compromise a lot more with the requests we make such as putting bills, etc. into direct debit but my stubborn grandfather will not have it and she supports what he says.

We are giving care but they are stipulated how and who it shall be given by!!! It drives me nuts!! my nan has carers come in to wash her etc but granddad wont have it and now he losing his faculties I do not want to take up the task.. I care but I am no carer!!

The whole thing is so frustrating..

The message I want to send out to everyone of you who is a sibling, a son or daughter and are not investing directly in the care of your parents or supporting other siblings to do so is this:

You are a selfish jerk and what goes around comes around. You will get old one day and I hope you get the same treatment you are giving to your parents.

This may be killing us but we will find a way through with Gods help and support cos it sure ain't forth coming from anywhere else!

I am resentful and upset that mum is getting ill but I think I am going to just have to step up my contribution to help her an allow her time to repair or start putting my foot down a bit and not allow grandparents to call all the shots from their armchairs while I run around like a slave.

No, it shall be my way from now on...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Oh, I am not alone... elder care of Mom
by: Mari K

I have felt much better reading the comments on this blog. I am not happy with my life.

My Mom, 92, needs more and more care. I can't even get away for a night! I want to visit my son in New York. I miss my kids. I cannot do anything alone anymore. My mom expects me to be her whole social network. I come home from work and she is right on me. She doesn't give me any air to breath.

Sometimes I don't feel like eating dinner. But, I have to take care of what she wants. She curses at me and gets angry. I feel so unhappy with everything. My siblings do not help at all. Oh, my brother sends $500 once a year for her birthday. I am stuck holding the bag.

My sister just says, she feels for me and wishes she lived closer so she could help. I know it sounds like I don't love my mom. Sometimes I wonder myself. I do she and I have always been close. She was my best friend when I was in my young adulthood. She was always there to help me when I was down and out as a single mom.

But, I feel so much resentment towards her. I am just so unhappy. She doesn't have enough money for a nursing home and makes too much for medicaid. I am stuck and drowning.

I can't afford in home care or even someone to come in twice a week. They charge at least $20 an hour. I don't know what to do. I am depressed and all I think about is dying.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I am a Grandma and Everyone Left Me.
by: Cathy

I bought a house next to my daughter and grandson. I took care of my grandson while she worked. She recently moved. I can not take care of four acres by myself. What do I do?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Can't and Won't let my Family Make Me Take Care of my Mother
by: Anonymous

I'm a crime victim, shot in the leg twice and barely got away with my life. After two years, it is still a non-union break, but I can walk which leads people to believe I'm fine. No, I simply live off medications to function.

My mother over the last 10 years has become mean, judgmental, demanding and co-dependent. She has money, so its not a financial drain on me, good thing, I don't have any money.

My kids and I are finally getting on with our lives and last night I find out that my mother has transferred Power Of Attorney to my cousin in Houston, I'm in Dallas. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but fact is, now I'm getting demands and told I need to take care of her and that just prevented me from sending her to a nursing home or rehab, etc and come to find out, they are getting the estate as well.

I'm not doing this! I hope the P.O.A they just signed, just made them the responsible ones, I want out...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		The Truth
by: Anonymous

I could never understand why no one seemed to be crying at their elderly parents funeral? I was always amazed at how everyone coped. I would think I cannot live without my parents! Then..... I had to move in and care for them. Now...I am a victim of abuse and can't do a damn thing about it. No sibling gives a damn about their parents or me.

I finally figured it out... this is why caregivers are not crying at their parents wake and funeral. They were likely treated terribly like me, and had their life destroyed by selfish parents, and sibling too. That is if they managed to survive.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		My Mother at Only 68 Won't do a Thing for Herself
by: Anonymous

My mother recently retired, and is completely dependent on me..she is only 68 and waits on me to prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner for her..otherwise she will just not eat and that is dangerous because of the fact that she is a diabetic. I'm so burnt out...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Completely Overwhelmed
by: Anonymous

I have had my Mom for only 3 months and I am already frustrated and overwhelmed. My Mom is 93 and has dementia, but still isn't horribly bad.

She wasn't the best caretaker to me when I was young and now I am doing everything for her. She can be very nice at times, but when I take her out to the doctor, or into a restaurant, she gets really sarcastic and mean.

At home she is always so negative about herself, and lamenting how much more accomplished her sister/my aunt was then she. I got this all the time as a kid, and thought I had gotten away from it once I wasn't around her anymore. I am triggered and get angry feelings.

I have fibromyalgia pretty severely so dealing with my own health is enough. I can't get her to bathe, and all she wants to do is watch T.V. which I get being she is 93, but the constant sound of it is hard on my nerves.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		To Gary F.
by: Anonymous

Oh, Gary, I feel for you right now. I can't believe your mom could have been in the hospital for 5 days and nobody made an attempt to contact family members. That's just unthinkable! If your mom doesn't seem to know exactly how she came to be admitted to the ICU, then it sounds like she might have the onset of dementia. That's what I'm dealing with with my mother.

I had to quit my job to take care of mom full time and it will be three years next spring.

There are a lot of resources out the that are available to help. For example, I use an agency called Visiting Angels and they send an aide out twice a week so I can at least get out of the house to run errands and have a few hours of "me" time. I have to pay for it out of pocket and it's getting expensive, and it probably isn't the answer for you since you need to keep your job and take care of your own health. But if they have a local office in Tennessee you might want to give them a call. If they're like the agency I deal with, they are probably tapped into a lot of local resources and agencies such as hospice, county-subsidized respite care, etc., and may be able to at least point you in the right direction.

Also, you might want to put in a call to Medicare and Social Security to see if they can offer any benefits and/or assistance. There is a lot of help out there that a lot of people aren't aware of, and sometimes if you contact one agency they can tell you what's available and where to look.

I'm an only child, so I don't have the sibling benefits and hassles. Is there a way you and your sisters could rotate taking care of your mom, even if it means having her go out of state to stay with each of them for certain periods of time?

They need to understand that you need to keep your business afloat and if you get sick, that's not going to help ANYBODY! Best of luck to you and God bless!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Just Found out my Mother can't Take care of Herself
by: GaryF

Where do I start? A few days ago I went to my mother's house to check on her....she was nowhere to be found. I came back a couple hours later and still nowhere to be found. Long story short she was in the hospital for the last 5 days and absolutely no one in my family knew. That's unbelievable to me.

I quickly hurried to the hospital when her neighbor told me where she was. Why didn't I know, why didn't she tell me? She could have called me and I would have been there. I'm so depressed because of all of this. How could I not know?

For 5 days my mother laid in intensive care and not a single person came to visit her. She was getting worse by the day and now that her family knows where she is and have all been to visit her around the clock, she is getting better.

The hospital and my family still have no idea how she got there and my mom just tells me conflicting stories about how she got there.

At this point it looks like just dropping by every few days to check on her is not enough.

She needs more care and my family is just going to have to pitch in and do it. I live near my mom, but my sisters live in other states.

I'm a very active person, but I know my limits. I have type 1 diabetes and Addison disease, so stress must be avoided. When she gets out of the hospital we will need to be with her around the clock and I'm fearful that she will not be independent again.

I have two sisters that are worthless and my other sisters live in Texas and Atlanta. I'm in Tennessee. They are all here now, but when things calm down and they go home, I will be the one to deal with it all and it frightens me.

I've just gotten my health back on track, business is great and things are really looking up for me after a lengthy illness of my own. Now this, If I were not so sick myself I could handle it all, but not now. Not like this. I'm just scared.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Continuation of My Comment
by: Anonymous

We don't want to put her in a nursing home because we know she would die there.

The fact that grand mom fell three times and hit herself on the floor and the fact that the nursing home where she was did not tell me that she had been bleeding all this time while I was still giving her aspirin (which is contraindicated when someone is bleeding, especially from the intestines) shows that nursing homes have two faces and they really do not care. People go there and die.

I know someone else who was the same as my grand mom. She was placed in a nursing home after falling from some stairs in her home and eventually died in a period of 6 months. People really do not care about old people in this country. Yes, there are laws, but no one can take care of your grandparents other than your own family.

This is why my life has become so difficult because I do all the running around for my grand mom and for the rest of my family too. My grand mom's two daughters cannot take care of her because they are both diabetic and symptomatic from high blood pressure.

I am a laboratory technologist and I wanted to get back in my field, but now because of recent laws in my state I have to pass an exam to get my license. I cannot use a permit that I used several years ago from my city.

I am also married and my wife is tearing me apart. She says that this is not a married life if I will live with my grand mom separately in my family's country home while she lives herself in an apartment that I rent for her. I love my grand mom and I love my girl because she is sincere with my and loves me, but I am torn between two women here and I am about to lose my mind.

I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot dump my grand mom on the street. I feel my wife should be more understanding because I am also helping her family financially as well and the least she could do is support me.

Grand mom keeps hallucinating everyday and keeps me awake or wakes me up in the middle of the night any time. I still love her a lot. I don't know what will happen to me. I know I am not ready to take no license exam under my present circumstances.

God bless those of you who take care of your elderly parents. It is very difficult. In my case my grand mom left me with some financial resources, but still I want to go back to work and see my own money. I want to show my wife that I can go back to work. Lastly, when my grand mom becomes irritated for no reason because sometimes she hears voices or sees people in her bedroom she curses me.

It kills me because I am literally giving my life for her and possibly even my marriage too. I don't know what to do anymore. I am being torn inside me.

Jack.....
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		God bless all these family caregivers
by: Anonymous

I am 52 years old now. I got married two years ago, but I grew up with my grand mom when I was little. I am not trying to take care of her because my mother(who is diabetic and sick) and I do not want to put our 102 year old grand mom in a nursing home.

She was there already for some rehab three times and those three times she fell on the floor. The last time that she was in the nursing home she fell from the wheelchair in the dining room (No one was around) and I was told that when she fell she hit the back of the back on the floor. CT scans were done, but nothing showed.

She also fell a year ago from her bed at home which was not so high, but still she ended up with a red bruise in her forehead. She had been sharp all these years until she fell off from the bed and got this bruise then along came a bleeding problem also in 2011 which the nursing home did not tell me about (just to show you). I learned about it till March 2012 after my grand mom had been admitted at a hospital for hallucinations and some bronchitis.

Her hemoglobin dropped in one single day down to 6.1 from her level then of 10. The attending doctor at the Hospital called me and told me about it. I rushed to the hospital. They wanted to do a blood transfusion and I asked them to please wait a little.

I was afraid that her body would not take the transfusion because of her advanced age then 101 years old. Her hemoglobin started to slightly go up the next day. My God, I was so exited along with my mom to hear that it was stabilizing up to 6.7 then 6.9 after 6 hours. It was very stressful and worry some.

My grand mom had been healthy other than an elasticity problem in her lungs (bronchiectasis), complaints of dizziness for a while, arthritis pains in her knees, shoulders and arms, and a carotid artery stenosis (Plaque) of 99% in the left carotid artery and 40% stenosis in the right one with good circulation in the back of the neck (collateral circulation).

She had complained of angina a couple of times, but never had a heart attack or stroke despite the carotid artery stenosis. This is why her doctors had put her on baby aspirin 81 mg tablets since 1995.

Now she was trying to deal with a threat here. Her attending was saying that grand mom was bleeding apparently from the intestines , possibly due to the aspirin, but they could not be certain because they would have to check (colonoscopy), but due to her age it would be very risky for her to undergo the procedure.

She was eventually released and sent home with me. I again took care of her. I am still with her trying to help her as much as possible. We don't want to put her in a nursing home because we know she would die there.

Jack.......
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You Need to Do this!
by: Anonymous

Shame on your brothers and sisters, just make a bag, put her in the car, drive to one of your sis or brothers and say "see you in a month", why is so hard?

This elder take advantage too! They want attention and pick the stupid one to do, don't feel guilty you need to take care of your family or they will suffer too, do it now!!!
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I Can't Take it Anymore!
by: Anonymous

My father is very ill on top off having dementia, he has been in the hospital and after care 4 times in the last 2 years due to his noncompliance with doctors orders. He has been on life support 3 times. This last time it was so bad that I signed a DNR, (the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life) we pulled the plug and he started to get better.

While he was on life support for 7 weeks, I was there every day, all day on top of taking care of my mother who has had a stroke and more recently a heart attack. I have a child in high school who has cerebral palsy, a child in collage, a full time job, a home to take care off and a husband.

The stress was so bad that my fathers ICU nurse rushed me down to the ER because I became immobile do to chest pain and she thought I was having a heart attack... It was anxiety.

My father was placed in a nursing home for rehabilitation once again and I thought the best and safest thing would be to keep him in there. He begged, cried and promised he would follow doctor’s orders this time. My mother wanted him home because she missed him and didn’t want to be with out him. I gave in after 3 months and brought him home healthy and well on his way to recovery.

I set up home health care, a nurse 3 times a week, a therapist 2 times a week, a bather 2 times a week, house keeping once a week and lawn care once a week. I would cook a weeks worth of healthy meals every week end for them. I took them to every doctor’s appointment (and there are many), I make sure the 30 different medications he takes each day are set up for him. I travel 84 miles one way from work to check on them 2 times a week and once every week end.

Not to mention the unplanned trips because they can’t turn on there t.v. or need a light bulb changed. My husband takes care of all their finances and any maintenance that needs to be done. We’ve done everything in our power to help them.

In just six weeks my father started complaining, from the doctors are stupid and the nurses are idiots, to the cleaning lady doesn’t do anything.

He started to not follow doctor’s orders again and his health started going down fast. I was beside myself with anger, so I told him he’s going back in the nursing home or getting a live in caregiver. They chose the caregiver and six weeks later kicked her out of the house.

They only want me to do everything, they think no one else knows how to do things correctly. I try to explain I’m 53 years old, I have arthritis, I have a family, a job, I’m worn out, but they don’t care. I have a younger sister who refuses to help, she hasn’t even spoke to them in over a year.

They have never been good parents, they have always been mean, non supportive and abusive. I feel like they’re abusing me allover again but in a different way. I can’t take it anymore, I feel like just saying the hell with it and let them be on there own and whatever happens, happens.
Rating
starstar 		Wow
by: Anonymous

I've been a caregiver for my mother since my sophomore year in high school and I'm now 23. My mother is a double amputee diabetic, heart failure and kidney failure so I pretty much do everything around the house and for her.

I may not have been caring for her as long as some of you have been taking care of your relatives.. and I'm no saint I do get drained tired depressed angry..etc. but I would never leave her in the care of a stranger.. or dump her at some home for the elderly.

I know in my heart that this is what God wants me to do and this is what I will be doing as long as I'm needed. Do I want to have my own life? Yes! but all in good time God will bless us for being selfless loving and caring. If great things don't happen for me in this life that's okay with me because I believe what's upstairs with the man is way better anyway.

So I really do understand how you all feel and yes I'm young.. your probably thinking what do I know anyway.. but I hope you can all stay strong because if things were reversed I'm sure your mothers would be by your side through it all! Be grateful for the time you have left with them cherish every moment and pray on those bad feelings u have.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Keep Calm and Carry On
by: Anonymous

I am so glad to read your comments, I too have elderly parents, my mother is severely disabled and both have dementia and a host of other illnesses. My only brother died suddenly five years ago and now they depend on me for everything, from giving my mum a cup of tea to sorting out their finances, driving them around, shopping etc, etc.

I am divorced with an active 11 year old daughter and it is REALLY HARD WORK!! Please don't ever feel guilty, we are all human beings doing the best we can with what we have. I hate myself for being angry with my parents, but they drive me mad, and I do feel guilty as hell, in spite of what I just said.

Not only did my marriage fail but I have three 'children' to look after now, and only one of them will ever grow up! How I sympathize with the person whose parent is hard of hearing, both of mine are and because of the dementia ask me the same things over and over again and never understand anything.I have to shout to make myself heard but neither will ever go to the doctor about any of there illnesses, it is always me who sorts it out.

I have a degree and had a creative writing job for 20 years but now feel like I am trapped in this twilight world, getting fat, frumpy and exhausted. Don't get me wrong I love my parents but sometimes feel suicidal, with only the thought of my daughter preventing me from doing it. The NHS is good up to a point but it's true as the only daughter and living nearby they expect me to be at my parents beck and call at all times.

I see other women with their daughters and feel angry that my child has to come second to two selfish old people who were never really there for me when I had problems. God, I feel so guilty writing this as they are old and weak, but I have needed to vent my feelings for so long and have no one else to confide in.

We are all doing a great job, even if we are not perfect, and I try to "keep calm and carry on", (old wartime slogan, though I'm too young to remember WW2!)even though silently I am screaming inside.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Thank you
by: Anonymous

Just want to say thank you to all the contributors out here...made me feel a bit sane for the moment. I am 45 years old and have recently moved my grandma(95)in with our family and have been monitoring the on stages on-dementia (severe paranoia) w/ my half sister (70).

Our family is limited to one capable person (quickly becoming incapacitated :)) for caregiving. It helps to understand that I am not alone in 'monster-thoughts' ...having the guilt on top of everything just makes matters worse.

All I know is that, I really miss being foot loose and fancy free; and, when all is said and done I am taking the vacation of lifetime if I am still sane enough to do so :)
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Just Do It
by: metoo

What was your parent doing at your age? Go on, think about it. They weren't caring for their parents, were they?

Take your courage in both hands, take your parent to a care home, take your life back - and take care of YOURSELF. They've had theirs. Don't feel guilty about having yours....why should you?
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		So sad, but so frustrated.
by: Anonymous

I am in the UK, my mum is 82, and I feel I am coming to the end of my tether with my mum. She is ill from atrial fibrillation, COPD, low blood pressure and renal problems that makes her fall and she ends up in hospital. Her latest fall led her being in hospital for six weeks where she had excellent care with help to get mobile by using walking aids and wheel chairs and then afterwards has eight weeks of care at home via the NHS, three times a day to make sure she was coping and using all the FREE walking aids.

However, my mum still thinks she will get better, so all help we put in place is slowly being refused. She hides her falls from the family and her carers, even hiding a nasty cut on her arm. It is so frustrating that all the advice the health professionals and we give her is ignored as she thinks her heart, lungs, kidneys, blood pressure will get better, and she will be walking around like a spring chicken.

Today, I asked if she was using her walker aid, but no she is using a walking stick again, something the physiotherapists said she should not use as it would guarantee she would fall again and hurt herself, as she cannot stop herself with her hands. When I asked her why she just said, ?When will you stop bullying me about it.?

I love my old Mum but she makes me so stressed. I really do think she is stupid about the help there is for her, which she just refuses that I think I will just have to walk away from being bothered about her mobility and falls. However, I know if she falls and she sets off the alarm in her warden controlled apartment and has to go into hospital again she will expect the family to be there and we will have to go through the stupid charade all over again about her mobility and care.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		All things come to an end
by: Anonymous

Never realized how many people are in this boat (or shall I say ship)! There is much great advise given to you in these posts. Hang in there.

Read and take some of the advise....but know that God will never abandon you....even though you feel you are in the dark. I found myself escaping by sleeping (going to bed very early).

At times I can't eat, or read, or watch TV, or do anything. Too stressed! But you will find that amazingly things will unfold, help will come in the most bizarre way. Right now my mom is sooooo mad at me. Long Long story. I've been her caregiver for many years.....at her place, then my place, at assisted living, med/pschy unit, now skilled care.

I can't write too much now because in the core of my very being, I hurt for her, I hated her having to go to skilled care, though it is a nice place...medicaid unit. But when she looks like a mad woman,and yells at me, and pleads to take her home, I want to cry and run and never come back.

My feelings are too raw right now.....but I know God is with me and will hold me tight. I close my eyes and envision him holding my mother in his arms, and loving her unconditionally. I will lift you in prayer, along with all the others I've read about.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I am going through a similar situation
by: Anonymous

I am so glad to read your post. I don't mean I'm glad for what you're going through, but for the fact that I see I'm not alone. I'm an only child (age 49), my father passed away more than 20 years ago and my mother's health has been declining the last 5 years or so (dementia, arthritis).

She's in her late 80s and she and I have always been super close, even more so after my dad died. In the last year I ended up quitting a job I really liked, with the help of a supportive husband, and we moved her in with us. I would never have begun to imagine the level of resentment I've built up these months from having to do this 24/7.

A few years after my husband and I were married his two teenage kids moved in with us and it was very stressful for a few years. Now they've grown up (into terrific adults, I must say) and out of the house and now my mom's here. This is going to sound INCREDIBLY selfish, but we are a very social couple who love to travel, get together with friends, etc., and now we're home bound except for those occasional times I pay an exorbitant fee to have someone "babysit" mom for a few hours. It's taking a toll on my husband, too. She takes frequent naps, but not quite long enough for me to actually get anything done around the house or take an entire shower and get dressed before she's up again shouting "Is anybody home???"

I can feel the hairs on my neck stand up every time I hear her bang her bedroom door open and she wheels herself out. My level of guilt is awful and I'm ashamed to say I sometimes take it out on mom by reprimanding her for getting up before I was ready for her and that kind of thing. She has some hearing loss that she won't admit, but asks me to repeat everything I say, then 5 minutes later she'll ask the same things again, over and over. I've prayed for more patience and kindness, but I'm not sure what to do.

I pop a Xanax once in a while to calm myself, but I don't want to become dependent. I feel like I have a character flaw that I never realized I had and that I'm losing my mind. I'm bitter, angry, don't sleep well and have gained weight over the last few months. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

We have a local Alzheimer's support group, but it meets at a time when I don't have anyone to watch mom for me. I do have an aide from a home health agency who comes a few hours twice a week so that I can get out to the grocery store, run errands, etc., and that's pretty much my source of sanity right now...
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Hang in There
by: Anonymous

Every one has written such great things there is little left to say except that you are not alone.

What you have tried to do for your mother is difficult at best. Don't beat yourself up. May I also add that God is always there to rescue us when we can't rescue ourselves. Pour your heart out to him and then reread some of these thoughtful comments to your situation. I agree that you can't keep this up. You are human, and that is a wonderful thing to admit. Be real with your family and tell them how you feel, then if you have to make a difficult decision,they can't come back and say,"But you never told us". I feel for you. You are a wonderful daughter and human being to try so very hard. :)
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Hang tough!
by: Anonymous

I just posted a similar post. I hate that you are going through this but I am glad I read your post. I also feel like a monster.

My mom has only been with me for 3 months now and I hate taking care of her. I want to spend time with her not time taking care of everything. If I could afford a nursing home I would do it in a New York minute. That way I could visit her.

One of the many problems I have is that she will not ask for help because she does not want to bother me. But all that does is make her bother me more because she waits until she hears me heading up the stairs to do stuff I need to and then she interrupts me. ARGHHHHHHHHHH. I hope you get relief soon.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Elder Care Guilt
by: Anonymous

I have had my 85 year old mother living with me and my husband for over a year now. I'm 52 my kids are raised and living in there own apartments, but still need financial help which I can do for now.I work full time as a RN taking care of people all day, the last thing I want to do when I come home is take care of someone.

My mom can get around okay and is home during the day by herself, but it is up to me every week to take her to the store, MD appointments etc(she no longer drives) I get tired up having my days off planned around her.I to have feeling of guilt about this, we miss having the house to ourselves and having to always be thinking of someone else.I miss the days of coming home and not thinking of anyone else for awhile.

How many years will this go on??? I can't think too much about that as it would be to depressing
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Feel like a Monster
by: Anonymous

You are not alone. I am in a similar situation with my mother. I share the same shameful feelings and spend time fantasizing about what my life would be like without her. Under the stress we are under it's no surprise we have these thoughts and feelings.

The only difference in my situation is that my mother used to be a lovely woman she is 75 now and has turned into a selfish and angry old woman that puts herself before everyone else and manipulates me to get what she wants. Be glad that your mother is kind to you. Helping and looking after an angry and controlling elder parent is a nightmare.

My brother is useless and selfish as well. Perhaps that's why they get on so well. Best wishes and prayer to you.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Save Yourself
by: Anonymous

Put your mother, who is unsound mentally, in the car and take her to a nursing home. She needs professional care and you cannot throw your life away. I don't care if some people think this sounds cold. It is actually the only answer that makes any sense at all. I hope you can find funding to take her out of your life. It is wrong what is being done to you. I wish you strength to do this and the best of luck.
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Pacing
by: Anonymous

Did you say she is 90?
She has 9 other children.

How long do they expect her to live?
The time to enrich her life is now.
Take a three month period and time in
Breaks.
Extra carers.
They have to help you.
You can only keep going with frequent and complete breaks.
If nobody else will do it ask them to organize the Respite or in-house care at their expense.

Now is the time to plan
Short term goals..i.e., extra carers and breaks for you
Medium term. Any day-care facilities? Respite?
A regular carer coming in who can stimulate her interest a bit. She needs some variety and the chance to still bond with other people. It will also help reduce the emotional load on you and then you will there for her and planning her needs for longer.

The fact that that your mother is 'only happy' with you sounds like a cop-out and emotional blackmail on the part of others. Plain mean to dump all the problem on the baby of the family too.

Long term planning needs to be engaged in. Who can size up facilities and ask around about the best options. A lot of homework needs to be done.
Aim to have have some commitments from others by October and further plans for February. This situation cannot just drag on.

In a drawn out situation with my own mother (Alzheimer's...now in full time care) I was impressed by the quality of expertise there is out there if you can only access some of it..and the quality of third party care. Luckily my mother is still sociable which makes it easier.

Establishing connections in new situations at any age is difficult. We all need a variety of people in our lives.
You should not have to bear this situation alone and shame on selfish siblings who will not take their share of the responsibility.

From what I hear this is common.

Of course you love your Mum and have done so much for her. You are just human and not a machine or a computer. Caring is demanding on all levels and can be completely draining.

I used to feel it was like having a heavy wardrobe fall on you and pleading for help from a sibling or government aid or whatever. You can feel so trapped, frustrated and angry.
"The more you do, the more they will let you do" a Day Care Manager told me.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Elder Care Anger - You Can't do it all and Then, Work Outside of Taking Care of your Elderly Parent.
by: Carol

You are not a monster...just a human being who needs a break and your siblings should be ashamed of themselves.

They could take your mother out or keep her for a weekend...any amount of time to give you a chance to hold onto yourself.

If you can afford to have a caregiver come in for a day or two, that would help immensely.

Please point out to your siblings that she is their mother too and to expect just one of her children to do it all is beyond reasonable. Have you considered assisted living for your mother.

My mother is living in an Aegis facility and it has given me time with her in the capacity of a daughter and not just a full time caregiver.

This is a terribly difficult situation and there IS a solution. Please find one before you are all used up...it can happen.

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