Don’t feel Guilty

by Anonymous

My mother and grandmother have passed away but they never would have wanted us to take care of them if they became invalids. My grandmother did go to a nursing home for a short time but my mother died without ever going to one.

I just don’t understand the guilt people have and they force themselves to take care of their narcissistic parents or parents that need way too much help. Put them in a nursing home and go visit them if you want.

My cousins visited their parents every day in a nursing home but at least they could sleep at night and had freedom to do things.

I don’t think I would have even visited my parents if they had been as hateful as some of the parents I read about on here. I have a friend that has one of the most selfish mothers I have ever seen. She is demanding and selfish and thinks the world revolves around her.

She has screwed up every child she has had but because of guilt they are like slaves to her. One daughter has destroyed her life because her mother has used guilt on the kids since they were little. Quit doing that, life is short so don’t spend your years being miserable, put them in a home.

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many reasons
by: Anonymous

There are many reasons and scenarios why people care for their parents instead of putting them in a home. Guilt is a big one and money factors are another along with just not knowing how truly difficult it will be and then you're stuck.

Society does a good job of brainwashing people into feeling guilt about "abandoning" mom or pop to a nursing home. "They cared for you and now it's your turn." That is hard to turn off in the head. You start it and then you realize what a ludicrous statement that is, but you're trapped at that point.

Lack of knowledge about dementia or Alzheimer's and just how bad it can really get is one of the main ones. People have NO IDEA how bad things can get with a brain slowly being destroyed.

Money is a big factor. Some people just can't see mom or dad's life savings going at six thousand dollars a month when mom or dad wanted the kids to have that money they worked their entire lives for.

Some feel it's to honor their wishes, never realizing it will be the hardest job they've ever done and how earned that money really is by the end of the job.

Sometimes people need that inheritance because of events in their life beyond their control. Women especially who get divorced late in life (like me) and are left with nothing but a meager job because the "man's" career was most important all those years so my career goals stalled.

My fault, I know, but it was my generation that believed that and believed in happily ever afters. I need my "inheritance" to live out the rest of my years when I am no longer able to work. Sounds selfish I know. My mom never worked, so it wasn't her money.

She'd planned on using my dad's money to live out her years. The ball just keeps rolling. In my case, I'm stuck and I imagine a lot of other women are as well hoping they can stick it out caring for a parent so that inheritance money they need won't go to a nursing home. It is what it is.

Would most of us like to put them in a home and get on with our own lives? I can't speak for others, but I'm betting the answer would be yes. It's just too easy to say put them in a home. For some people, that just can't happen and for those I have the greatest of compassion.

It Isn't Always Because of Guilt
by: Anonymous

"I just don’t understand the guilt people have and they force themselves to take care of their narcissistic parents or parents that need way too much help. Put them in a nursing home and go visit them if you want."

This did not happen to me because I wouldn't let it, but sometimes people end up taking care of parents, not only because of guilt, but because there's no money to put them in nursing homes.

This can be especially true if the parent has dementia and needs to go into a memory care facility. They're breath-takingly expensive.

My own mother was difficult to deal with in her younger years, and became nearly impossible when she got old. As it was, I didn't live with her or let her live with me, but she was at home almost until the end because she refused to go anywhere and wouldn't let me bring in help.

Finally, I had to go to court to have her declared incompetent. It was very difficult--she accused me of the most horrible things. And if she hadn't died when she did, we all would have been bankrupt.
It's all just hard.

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