Depression is Labeled as Lazy and Immature
I was a caregiver for my eldest sister who has Lyme disease. She hates me now for a monetary dispute after I paid for her wedding.
My dad divorced my mom because my mom spent too much time out of state to be around my sick eldest sister.
I am sick with depression and bipolar disorder and depression and was on disability for it. My family doesn't believe in mental illness and so nobody will ever 'drop everything' to relocate to my place of living to care give me. Instead, I allowed myself to be coerced into moving in with my mom as a 'good idea.'
Now my mom is sick with liver disease. In my family, my mom has decided that only her single daughter can be her caregiver. That means me. I cant help being angry. I am so resentful that I don't have the 'good fortune' to have a physical illness for anyone to give a damn about me. I am suicidal all the time. And caregiving is a depressing job. I am doing a lousy job at it and being berated for being 'lazy' and 'immature.' I need love or something! I need $11 to go to the movies.
I wish I had gotten married years ago so I'd be off the hook. My mom won't hurry up and die. My life is on hold until she dies. I tried to have a job concurrently, a boyfriend concurrently, friends concurrently to caregiving. No friends or boyfriends will stick around when you cancel dates repeatedly. I have nothing to contribute to an adult conversation except how to do bed pans.
It all failed. I am so depressed. I am not bathing or eating. I want to die. I think of killing myself all the time, as my 'way out' of caregiving. I am repeatedly tempted to not call 911 when my mom needs it.
I'm sick of sleeping on hospital room floors and stealing food. I resent seeing my siblings with store-bought latte's while I scrimp. I hate how well-loved my brother is though he doesn't lift a finger or give a dime. I hate that my mother absconds my state caregiver earnings for herself.
I hate hearing my mom talk about how wonderful my sister is and how happy she is that she has grandchildren and that it doesn't matter if I ever get married or have children because her genes have already been proliferated in my nieces. Earplugs are not powerful enough. My mom is getting more and more dementia each day and I am getting more and more psychotic each day.
I am sick of medicating myself with anti-anxiety drugs and other psych drugs to deal with this. I am miserable. I am self-mutilating to get the anger out.
There is no communication in this family. There never has been. It is dysfunctional and always has been and always will be. I wish for the lottery to put my mom in a home. She wanted American children but holds on to 3rd world notions of children caring for parents. I pray for my spontaneous death. I pray for my moms spontaneous death. Anything to make this state of limbo cease. My life is not moving forward. I am getting more bitter each day. I am secretly interviewing for jobs and will 'run away' when I get one. I say 'run away' because the last time I
had a job my sister harassed me until I lost it, so that I'd have no place to go but to caregive.
I have a stupid, vile overdeveloped sense of empathy and I let it take over me against my better judgment. Its all manipulation, families will always make their plight sound so much worse than yours.... so that you are 'best suited' for caregIving. And don't suggest family meetings or respite worker or support groups. If I could go to a support group, I would do something more worthwhile like go do something fun or get psychotherapy for my bipolar disorder. Please pray I get a job so I have the money to leave.
The caregiver just ends up not only grieving the parents death but penniless and years of lost income, depressed, and kicked to the curb by siblings. I know where I stand on the totem pole. It's been explicitly told to me.
I have advanced degrees from MIT. I am 33 and kind and beautiful. This caregiving is making me bitter and turning my mind to mush. I really need to be caregiven for a while for my own bipolar depression.... but no dice. Please pray I make my escape and don't turn back. I am so alone, I will be tempted to return for the crumbs of love I get from my dysfunctional family. I am like a battered wife who can't leave her husband. I keep thinking if I caregive enough, they will finally love me.
I keep thinking that they will want me to flourish and be happy and grow my career and get married and have children --- those are their words. But their actions are opposite. They want me single and penniless and with low self esteeem so I have no place to go but to my moms to caregive.
Please pray I have the strength to be disowned. I have been threatened. if I only didn't have bipolar disorder, I would have never been unemployed and vulnerable to believing my family has my best interests in mind. Its like they wait for me to be at my utmost suicidal state to present me with their need for money. Or arguments that my illness isn't as worthy as my moms.
I guess I love my mom. I don't know why. I've always wanted to get away from her. I feel I owe her for birthing me and putting food in me most of the time. I'm angry she didn't nurture me and put all her efforts into her eldest daughter's health, joy, and marriage prospects. So, all these resentments are spilling forth. I want to strangle my mom and then strangle myself. I fantasize about it. But I am too moral to do it.
Moral of the story: if you love your children, stuff the max in your 401k to prepare for your own demise. Buy long term care insurance. I already bought my LTC. I go without food, maxi-pads, clean laundry... but I will never ever burden anyone that cares about me with caregiving. Now all I need to do is find some people to care about me so they can reap the rewards of my forethought. I am so so so lonely. I get 'talked at' by my mom, not 'talked with' and I don't want to hear another word about Gaby or her husband or how great her grand kids are.