Demanding Selfish Father

by Victoria
(Australia)

My Father is 80 and in a nursing home. My Mother has advanced Dementia in the next building of the nursing home. My Brother lives in Dubai, a university professor who flies in a few times a year takes my folks for lunch and then continues on his holiday.


I have lost 3 years of my life, my job, my savings, moving them into the home, selling their retirement villa, fighting overcharging of fees with the home and looking after the demands of my selfish father who never bothered to do very much for me. Moved to another state when first grandchild born and didn't have much of relationship with my kids even after my second son was born. Never flew to visit, it was always us doing the visiting. He couldn't even fly down to help me when I was on deaths door with a 5 day bout of severe food poisoning and couldn't even get out of bed to look after my kids who were 3 and 1 at the time.

My Mother came down but not my Dad. He has turned into a manipulative old man who makes up fantasy stories about my movements cos I'm no longer available to drop everything and come running for him. I've gone back to work to pay off the debts I run up after having to quit my job to attend to their move into the nursing home and all the events that had to be finalized to get them settled into good care.

I am at my wits end with my Brother and his ex wife the ex sister in law from hell who buys into his delusions of what I should be doing for him. I've had enough of all of them....not one of them including my Mother and Father cared for their elderly parents . My Brother "cares" from a distance and my ex sister in law "cares" for her elderly parents from a distance...but they all tell me that I should be doing more.My Dad says that "I am the dutiful daughter"

I am so at the end of my rope. If I could speak Greek I would pack off to a Greek Island and just be !!!

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Difficult fathers
by: Anonymous

These fathers are a nightmare. My father sounds very similar to one of the comments above. He demands, he wants, he demands and his expectations are ridiculous.

My partner says of him, that he expects to be entertained constantly and have his needs met, when and how. He has no awareness at all of anyone else's needs.

A friend once told me, don't start helping an elderly father because you'll never hear the end of it. I'm starting to think next time the phone rings, I won't return pick it up because there is no way I can meet the demands.

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Selfish hateful demanding father
by: Anonymous

I've read several of these and they match a lot of my life as well.
I may be only 17 but I am here to make a point as well.

Over the last few years my father has bullied and tormented me saying that what I want to do (programming) is a waste of HIS time and will never put anything on His table.

Why should my job provide for him? And why should my girlfriend have to be a part of his standards? What business is it of his? None

He has also tried to force me into military service at 14 and told me that it would be my only future.

Shouldn't I have a choice whether I join or not? When did it become his choice?

He also expects me to do what he did, enlist in my teens and retire with a job in construction
Why should my life be a repeat of his?
I'm sick of him trying to live his life out through me.
It has to stop.

If anyone has any help for this situation please tell me what the hell I am supposed to do?

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Do we share the same Father! loll
by: Anonymous

You have just described my Father. Except my Father has a very critical nature. It wouldn't matter if I was the arch Angel Gabriel I would still be wrong.

My Father is a bully has been his entire life and he too just talks none stop until I give in. If my husband and I go on holidays he wants to come to.

The lines have blurred.. Recently I had to shout at him to listen to me. He was kinda surprised to. I reminded him how he placed his Mother into a retirement village at 75 and saw her 4 times a year.

He was not a great son ( to selfish to care) my Mother did the same with her Mother except she took her shopping once a week. If my parents went on holidays which was a lot I had to see take out my grandparents.

However now they expect me to run after them. I feel like moving to the other side of the country sometimes to get some peace.. I don't know what the solution is except save yourself first.. They have lived their life

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Controlling Father
by: Themaid

I have read your comments. I too have a very manipulative father. I am an only child both my parents are in their 80's still in their own home.

I have had them assessed and they are a category 2 so are eligible for a lot of services but and here it comes they only want me. You cook, clean, drive them wherever.

I have a husband and 3 children and I recently retired (I wish I was still working). I have 3 grandchildren and my own children need me to collect their children from day care etc but my Father is a huge headache.

He manipulates me almost daily calling me to come over because he needs to go shopping. I can't do this anymore I am in my 60s and need my own life.

If my husband and I go on holidays my father tells his whole apartment building that I am a terrible daughter going on holidays without them..

I can't keep going like this I really need help..

My Mother is wonderful she just says I love to see you whenever you have free time. She would love the services to come in.. Help.. It's driving me crazy..

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I Too Have a Demanding Selfish Father
by: Anonymous

I have a 84 yr old father. I work full time and have medical disabilities. Other than trouble with walking, he is very healthy and takes no medications *he uses a walker*.

I'm facing heart surgery in a few days. Today my father called; husband explained I am tired and am napping. He calls back in 2 hours "you are still in bed?". Because I had to leave work, I was faint, my heart makes me tired. He skips right over the fact that surgery is in a few days to remind me that he has several home repairs that I have not yet fixed for him.

I am barely awake, incoherent from fatigue, but he talked/rambled for 30 minutes. Normal for him, he seldom lets anyone else talk anyway, he just needs an audience. I take care of his home, laundry, bills, food, cleaning, errands, work a 40 hour week, have my own home. Nothing matters but what he wants, with no waiting.

I tried several times to tell him I am facing surgery in a few days, he doesn't even HEAR me, he instead changes the conversation to whatever is on his mind, upcoming vacation, whatever that will require ME to take care of. There is no one else to handle his affairs. He has alienated almost every other relative; they try to avoid him. This isn't aging, he has always been this way, it has just accelerated the past few years.

He is well-off financially; yet doesn't understand that I have to budget vacation time with him for my hotel rooms and expenses. I have told him outright "I can't afford the trip" yet he continues on with making plans, heedless of my financial restrictions. If he wants it to happen, then I must manage to make it happen because his wants come first.

I love him, he is my father, but he is exhausting me to the point of collapse. He refuses any mention of paid help or outside help, "we don't need anyone else to handle this or that". If you do not answer the phone every time he calls, he calls back every 15 minutes with his messages becoming more and more abrupt and questioning why I am not immediately available to take his call.

He belongs to a church and has good friends, so he isn't a shut-in with no one else to entertain him. Whatever is going on, if it is unpleasant or will inconvenience him,then he skips right over it to bring the conversation back to HIM. At his age, he deserves every bit of happiness and good things in the world; he has earned that right. But his lack of consideration for me just drains my soul.

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Re: Demanding Selfish Father
by: Anonymous

Hi,
In my opinion, you could start thinking about how different you would feel if you didn't worry what your family says about you. Talk is cheap but, what matters is what people DO, not what they say and, you are doing your best for everyone.

If that's not good enough then, maybe THEY could start doing more to help out. They probably won't though! People often find it easier to criticize others, instead of taking the responsibility on themselves. From what you say, you are doing your best. No one can do more than that.

As a wise woman once said, "We can't help everyone but, everyone can help someone". At least, you will have a clear conscience. I hope this helps you, when you receive it.
God Bless,
A friend.

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