Deep Resentement Towards my 2 Older Sisters

I am the youngest of three sisters, and was the one to take Mom (with dementia) in with my husband and I shortly after my Dad passed away. I cared for her for a little over 18 months by myself with very little help from my sisters.

Zero help from my oldest sister.

My Mom passed away with my husband and I with her recently. My sisters were here briefly days before she passed, but left when they wanted to go home. I slept on the floor by my moms bed and the next night my sister who lives very close told me "she was going to go home as she was tired." I wanted to scream, "you don't think I'm tired?"

I am missing my Mom so much my heart aches and feeling so much sadness and anger towards my sisters. I truly don't know if I can ever have a healthy relationship with them after this journey.

I just don't understand for the life of me how siblings can walk away and not feel any responsibility to help when one sister is doing all the work.

What part of helping out do you not get???? Do you not think caregivers need time off?

I read all these tips on letting your siblings know what you need? YOU don't know how helpful it would be to call and offer your time?? Out of the kindness of your heart and the love and compassion you feel for your family you truly think we don't need a break?????

My Mom has passed and the resentment I feel towards my sisters is awful. If your sibling is doing all the work, and your living your life as though it isn't happening, just know that it is.

If this gets one person to see how important it is for you to offer your help all I can say is Amen. Just realize the parent will pass away. Step up to the plate and help out. Let the caregiver know how much you appreciate what they are doing for your Mother and do whatever you can to alleviate some of the stress.

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Siblings offer help
by: Anonymous

What do you do when the other siblings offer to help and the one giving care doesn’t accept, but still wants to complain that she’s doing all the work?

with sympathy
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I can only understand it through my own experience. My siblings and I enjoyed very different relationships with my mother who has been very difficult and whose care fell upon my sister.

My sister, God bless her, at times expected my brother and I to read her mind. We all three live in three different states, there was no conversation about care, finances, etc., and my sister acted unilaterally.

That's okay but she had to learn to ask when she needed help and she did. I never had a close or good relationship with my mom and though I am nostalgic for the good moments we had, I doubt that I will have the sense of loss and sadness my sister will need to be helped through when she passes.

It may not be coldness or lack of empathy that caused your sister's behavior. I hope you can forgive them in time and treasure the gift of the special relationship you did have with your mom.

by: Anonymous

You did what was right to do. You will always know that. You will never have remorse. Your siblings will. At some point they will.

I intend to cut off all ties forever with my siblings after my parents depart. I will then enjoy every moment as I know my parents will want me to and I will not give a 2nd thought to my siblings.

They had a chance to share the burden, but chose to play ignorant. You and I can choose to let them continue to be disassociated. Their loss.

Been There, Done That
by: Anonymous

So sorry for you loss. I applaud your caring for your Mother when noone else would. I have been there. I have felt the same as you do, toward my siblings.

It is very difficult not to go through this without having resentment. It seems that if one person steps up to the plate the others breathe a sigh of relief and walk away to only return at their convenience and to do as little as possible.

I really don't think they are able to have empathy and I think if they had to do what we have done they would have pitched the biggest fit ever. How do they sleep at night?

Selfish Sibling
by: Kindred spirit

I am feeling your pain. First I want to say what a great daughter you are. I too have been the primary caregiver with assistance by aides thank God but none from my sister for over 10 years for both parents who are not healthy and have language barriers.

I mean none. No hospital or doctor visit assistance even when Dad was in critical condition w/sepsis. I just left Dad's house while mom in rehab livid because he doesn't want to go to the doctor and am trying to prevent another hospital visit.

I am angry and resentful w/lack of sibling support and stubborn elder. This requires much patience and compassion. But it's at an all time low being that both parents went into hospital in March and the dealing w/it for a long time. Really do we have to ask our siblings to help I am with you.

I am a work in progress to be good to myself through this so please take care of you too. I pray for our healing. God Bless and good luck. And yes how siblings can walk away with no responsibility ?? but I guess it's something we need to stomach & digest because we can't change them only ourselves. Again Sincere wishes to heal .

Thoughtless siblings
by: Anonymous

I'm SO sorry for your losses! You are not only grieving for the loss of your mother, but for the loss of a good relationship with your sisters. I cannot imagine your sadness.

I wish I had magic words for you to lift some of your pain and disappointments, but I don't. The healing has to come from within yourself and I wish you the best.

Your situation made me grateful for the help I do have from my sisters and brother. They are always there when I need help or a break when it comes to caregiving for our 93 year old mother who lives in my home.. I wish you had had the same kind of help.

One thing you DO have that your sisters will never have is the satisfaction of knowing you did what you knew was right for your mother.

You had the privilege of spending your mother's last weeks, days, and hours with her the most.

Pat yourself on the back for a job well done, blow your mother a kiss and smile, and let the wounds caused by your sisters heal.

You did a great job of caring for your mother when others wouldn't. You have to be your own cheerleader now, so pat yourself on the back and get back to the joy of living.

I wish you well!

Well Said
by: Anonymous

I applaud you...I am the only one in my family caring for Mom. Have asked for help, just as you did.

They all have excuses why they cannot help with Mom's care. Her Doctor says it is unfair of them expecting me to carry the whole load without any breaks - even suggested I sit down with a calendar and ask them to write in the dated they can take Mom for a week or weekend - while I rest and just get away from the pressures and disease.

But that doesn't work with my family. I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I often wonder what it will be like at Mom's funeral. Will they have any regrets?

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