Dealing with Siblings about Elderly Father - Frustrated!

by julie
(aurora, il)

when talking with my ailing father, i try to engage him in questions related to his wishes for care and finances. i also have attempted to mirror back his responses when the response he gives appear to go against medical care directives. too many times, i am finding that my older sibling is controlling of his care and decisions without even allowing me to engage in the decision and has assigned her husband to speak on her behalf and therefore, it is more than stressful to accomplish anything positive in regards to my father's care. my father has been left with too many unanswered concerns regarding his care and recently has displayed distrust in my sister and brother-in-law. a close friend of my father has also contributed to back biting by talking to my brother in law about anything she and i have discussed regarding my dad's care and my concerns. he lives out of state and so do i and my sister, so it is difficult for me to know what is going on. no responses are offered to me when i attempt to engage in my father's care and i find my sister through my brother in law to be excessively controlling. i left my father's house recently after one day stay which was to be 3 due to the on going stress and back biting between my sister and my dad's friend. my dad has a serious spending addiction with what funds he has and has drained more money from my sister and my dad's friend for nonsense spending. he is also struggling through serious health issues amongst diabetes and congestive heart failure, so finding his house cabinets filled with alcohol and high fat processed foods was disheartening. no one in my extended family seems to take seriously that he appears depressed from losing my mom in 1996 and i really think he is drinking and constant impulse spending to soften his pain from not being able to talk about his loss. please, please can you offer some sane direction in dealing with the controlling brother in law speaking for my sister and the non family member that continues to back bite? i have ceased communication with his friend and need to discuss this with someone before speaking again to my sister/brother in law. my dad is in a nursing home and begs me incessantly to take him home to his house. he is wheel chair bound and cannot stand by himself or lift himself to a walker. he still owns a large house on a large area grassy plot and insists that he will go home without home care, ride his tractor, drive his cars, stand behind his tiller and eat burgers and fries at local fast food places. his house is filled with homeopathic that the doctor absolutely stated that these must go. I found this week expired food from 1983, alcohol, and hundreds of prescription and non-prescription meds in his house. when i try to take a stand and remove these items, my brother in law and my dad's friend completely flip out and threaten that my action will cause family problems. i am led to believe that since i have been firm with him (my father) that these issues must stop, i sense that they are contributing to his behavior and enabling further unhealthy choices. they now own my dad's house and control decisions for his care (power of attorney)
please help!