Dealing with my Sister Concerning my Mom's Care
There are a lot of things that enter into play with this situation. My sister is the oldest and has been retired for the past 5 years. She lives 70 miles from my mom and at this point is her main caregiver.
My mom is not wealthy but could afford to go to assisted living. I live over 200 miles from my mom and work a rotating 12 and half hour shift doing security for a nuclear facility. The work is taxing on both body and mind. I work an average of 50 hours a week. My problem is not that I don't want to help, but that they will not help me help them.
We are considering putting mom in assisted living, which I have encouraged due to mom's health for the past two years. My sister is finally thinking about it, but does not want to consider putting mom closer so that I can help more. Needless to say the stress is high for all concerned.
I have no time for my family unless I am off work. I can't quit my job, nor can I move at this point in my life. My sister is putting pressure on me constantly about caring for my mom, but when I suggest that we put mom in assisted living somewhere that is closer for both of us she does not want to consider my job or where I live. I am 57 and work long hours.
She recently called me and said that she needed me to take mom to have surgery to remove a tube from mom's ear and when I said that I was scheduled to work she became defensive and ugly. I then said that I was off a few days later and if it could be done then that I could do it.
The point is that mom lives 3 and a half hours from me and I will care give and go straight back to work with no rest. How do I remain fit for duty with no rest? I was just there three weeks ago to set her up with a heart monitor that she had to wear for a
week. I worked off of night shift and we packed when I got home and went to mom's and I did this all with no sleep after working all night.
I want to help, but this is wearing me down both mentally and physically. The guilt is overwhelming. My mom thinks if I am not working I should be with her. If I mention that I see other family she immediately wants to know when I can see her even if it was just a week since I was last there. If I have any life I feel guilty and if I don't I am feeling angry. Yet, when talk about mom moving into assisted living they don't seem to want to get her any closer so that it is not such a hardship for me to help.
I want to be a good daughter, but feel that they both prefer I sacrifice my health to help mom. No sleep and traveling when I am off is taking a toll. I recently had chest pain after talking with my sister. Her calls cause sleeplessness. I can be fired if inattentive at work. I am no good to anyone. The bottom line is I know that mom is a handful at the least. She takes a gallon bag of medicine, goes to doctors constantly, is a diabetic that refuses to take responsibility for what goes in her mouth, and worries over ever ache and pain. That is the main reason that I have pushed for assisted living.
I know that it is not fair to my sister and that it has basically been put in her lap. In the same turn, I feel that my job and where I live should be considered if my sister wants my help. Am I a selfish, bad sister that I am being led to believe?
My sister recently got mad at me and said that I should not have moved so far away. I have lived here for 31 years. My life is here and at the time this is the only place that my husband could find work. My children where raised here. She is always saying hateful things. Help!