Dealing with Controlling Mum and the Difficulty to Overcome Anger and Resentment

by Sally
(Selangor, Malaysia)

I am feeling very stressed out and resentful over my long term unhappiness and anger towards my mother who is a very controlling mother only to me and not with my 3 other brothers.


I feel unfair that every time she has any difficulties whether I was younger or even now when I am married for nearly 20 years
she still wants to be in control of my life. I recall the first major outburst and rebellious action was when I got married, she wanted
everything to her favourite choice, the place I stayed, she wanted her place and I remembered I fought so hard to even chose my own favourite wedding gown etc.

I sometimes felt that I really am to the point of resenting her and since now that all my brothers do not even bother her, she knew she had me but she does not understand I am married and have my own family. I have my parents in laws.

She even went to the extent of interfering in stopping me crying over the loss of my father on his funeral because she and my dad separated when I was still young. She was one of my dad's mistress. She didn't want me to cry and had
controlled my visitation towards her sister and asked that I should not give money to her. OMG, that was her sister and she laid in bed so sick. Even the RM100 that I wanted to give
my aunty was so loudly reprimanded by her through the phone. Why?

She even tried to spoil my relationship with my in laws. Not to mention my relationship with my sons, hubby and my friends.
I really can't think of anything good or positive of her for me to love her.
Even now that I have done so much in caring for her, solely without my brothers' help, she still wants to manipulate me. All her money went to my brothers and in the end she still think I owe it to her and I should take care of her. But then, every time, I fought back and argue with her, it's like a knife stabbing my heart. So painful
yet I still think its our responsibility as children to take care of our parents irrespective of how they treat us. But, seriously, its
really not easy and a very difficult journey. Sometimes, I do hope God will summon me to Him earlier. Not everybody understand and
I so hope to have a shoulder to cry on, if necessary. The only thing is I do not want to regret while she is still around.

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Still in such Difficulty Overcoming my Anger and Resentment
by: Sally

Dear Jane,
Thank you for your comment and understanding on handling my mum. I am also sorry to know about your problem with your mum. Nowadays, I have been like a yo-yo effect, up and down, up and down in my mood.

Sometimes when she came over, I would be very
happy, but then she would just purposely make me
mad and angry with her. Even a few angry words
from me seem to satisfy her, as she sees the
dislike from my sons' face. Sometimes, I wish I
could be clear minded to understand her.

But nowadays, I have tried ways to motivate and uplift my moods etc, like going to the gym and meditating.
Really effective, though. Anyway, I would like to
be friends with you, if you don't mind, do you have a facebook account or email address to give me?
my email is : snmm62@hotmail.com so do email me
if it's okay with you to friend me, thanks and take care of yourself, okay?


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I know what you mean
by: Jane

I?ve an elderly parent; my Mom is 81 but you'd think she was 60 & is very active, so great. I never know when the next verbal abuse is coming regarding the pettiest of things. She's called me at work on 3 occasions, I recall over the last 18 months but it's happened in between.

She pops into mine when I'm at work which is fine. I'm not fussed if she sits on my sofa reading a magazine, but she does little jobs as she 'likes to keep busy.' Problem is, if something in my house isn't to her liking I'll either get 'tut-tutted' at or yelled at. Today, I got it. Last night she phoned to remind me to put the re-cycling out. I forgot; she yells at me down the phone at work. And of course, the usual, slamming the phone down on me.

I've carried bags of bottles over to the bottle bank. I said I didn't expect her to do that and we'd have done it, she yells even more and slags me & especially my partner off.

It's not just age; I recall being yelled at in my teens & 20s for petty stuff, so does my brother. She uses the ?I wish I was dead? tactic, citing me as the reason. At 21, I came back from a holiday with my b?friend & she asked what I'd "been up to." I replied nothing and she retorted with "Your nightie doesn't look very creased!"

She called me at work last year saying my house wasn't tidy enough, when I was in a job not getting home until 9PM, burst into tears and slammed the phone down even though she knew how stressed I was in that job. Some months ago, offer to do something nice - take her to see her brother & sister-in-law after work. She kept putting it off then said 'cause her brother has a Carer in the evening, it had to be the w/end, when I was due to meet a friend - she got mad because she thought I didn't want to bother and that I don't do much for her! All this at work.

I ask her if she wants to go shopping each Saturday and have taken her and want to take her more on holidays but she refuses. Visited them at the w/end & they invited us out to dinner - in the week, after my work! She then went on to say that the course work I was doing was just an excuse to get away from her & why bother because I keep getting turned down for permanent jobs anyway.

I?m a Christian but find myself, like now, wishing that God had taken me instead of Dad all those years ago because I KNOW she'd be happier. I know she doesn't have Dad to 'bounce off' now but I'm sure, although a very gentle man, he'd kick her ar*e for some of what she says.

It sounds pretty tame, but when you're on the receiving end, it really isn't. I?ve a church w/end away this w/end & am hoping to hear some words to help me, if I get a chance to explain. I?m on Betablockers to help lift my mood as it's my partner's laziness - I have to use a proverbial cattle prod, and her that causes them.

Bless you, I don't have an answer but I wanted you to know I know how you feel.

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Difficult Situation
by: Sally

Thanks Christine for your comment. Definitely, I have overcome depression a few years ago. I am
not reliving any of the episodes, I mean the bad
experiences with my mum but even now, I still am
facing difficulties with her, my own family, hubby's business (Am helping him), financial
difficulties, my sons' educations, especially my
youngest son's learning problems (dyslexia). Also,
I have to care for my mum's monthly expenses, not to mention the medical, etc.

My eldest son's education in college needs a lot of money and I have to care for his emotion as he has a girl friend whom is very close with him. I do not want him to at his age regret with personal relationship therefore, would at all times give him some time to talk with me. But its stressful but I will try very hard to take care of myself first through exercise for I do not have any support on my youngest son's learning difficulties from my family, in-laws, outlaw etc.

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It's all too Much for You
by: Christine

I am certainly no professional, but it sounds like you're really depressed (clinically depressed, not just sad) and are now re-living all the difficult things in your life that concerned your mom. You need to get better with yourself before you can attempt to be okay with anyone else, especially Mom. Best wishes.

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