Dealing with a Beligerent Father.

by Lee
(Orlando)

My father is 96 years old, a widower and in an assisted living facility. He's from an era when children sacrificed their lives and freedom for their parents.


He believes that I took away his house and money for myself even though he was in and out of the hospital and fell down a lot a home. He almost set the kitchen on fire and refused to wait for his meals until I ran some errands.

He argues a lot with me to a point where I don't even go to visit him anymore. I too, am disabled and my doctors feel I need to let go of the stress. That's easier said than done. My sister lives out of town and is virtually no help, though she's a good listener.

My father has always been vocally abusive, but has gotten worse as he's aged. I feel there is nothing more I can do for him and have given up helping him except for the basics.

I pay for his medications which runs about $300 to $500 per month and it comes out of my disability check. Agencies refuse to help and I'm just on my own. I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Dealing with Aging Father
by: Anonymous

Are you aware of the laws in your state and nation regarding assistance in elder care? If he has Medicare part A and B his hospital care is I believe covered for 20 days. Part B covers physical therapy, etc. Do you know what coverage he has?

There is also such a thing as respite care. Do you have this in your state? You ask for assistance from a social worker either through an emergency room or from his doctor. He would be placed temporarily in a county medical facility which would give you a rest and it would be determined if you were able to continue caring for him and also his mental state.

You need to take into consideration that if he is verbally abusive he could very well become physically abusive. I wish you the best and hope this situation resolves itself.

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You Don't Need to Agree.
by: Leasa

Hi, I felt I need to respond to you. The fact that we are all different is what makes this world go around. It could be that your idea of nice and not nice are totally different than mine.

You say that God wants us to take on sometimes more responsibility, even to the detriment of our own lives and family no matter what the person needing care was like? What about the parent that spent their child's childhood getting drunk and beating them?

What about the parent that never, ever helped their child in any way when they were needed the most and never had a good thing to say about their child? Should that child years later abandon their own lives and families, risking losing both to care for a belligerent thankless elderly parent?

Sometimes using the 'G' word, is nothing but a way to heap righteous undeserved guilt on others. I have no religion but that does not make me wrong or a 'bad person'. Stop trying to make people feel worse than they do. Sometimes your idea of doing enough is more than others can handle.

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I Don't Agree
by: Anonymous

"Why even after as you say your dad was never a 'nice' person, feel that you are responsible for your dad's happiness and care?"

I don't agree with this statement at all! Not all of us on this board think this way! I don't do the right thing because my parent is "NICE" to me. I do it because GOD wants me to do it.

No, old and sick parents are not the easiest or nicest people in the world. If someone on this board only thinks that care is "deserved" if someone is "nice", that is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard!

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I agree...
by: Anonymous

I completely agree with Leasa :)
great advice.

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If you Wouldn't who Would?
by: Leasa

Your dad is 92. Did you know that right now, humans are living the longest they ever have? In your dad's day, odds are good that he and your mother never had to contend with an elderly parent in their 90's.

And, for sure their parents never had to contend with a parent in their 90's. Until today, it was unheard of to be in one's 50's, 60's or even 70's and trying to deal with the over whelming needs of an elderly parent.

I have to ask, if you suddenly disappeared out of your dad's life, who would step in? I don't know where you are from, but would they actually allow your dad to die from lack of needed medications?

Why even after as you say your dad was never a 'nice' person, feel that you are responsible for your dad's happiness and care?

I know when you have this strong sense of duty and feeling that you must be the good daughter that making changes can be very difficult. When I was in a position similar to yours, I found that I had to back off in little bits at a time.

You can start by giving yourself one hour a day where you do nothing but think of yourself. Perhaps learn to meditate, or do gentle yoga or simply go for a walk.

Next, go to your dad's doctor and tell him or her that coming up with that kind of money every month for your dad's medications is getting to be too big of a burden. There has to be ways that this cost can be cut.

Is he on generics or brand name? Ask his doctor what would happen if you could no longer pay for any of them, what would they do? Surely it must be illegal to withhold medications that may cause your dad to die?

So, I would suggest that you find real 'me' time and start communicating with people who may be able to help and start making subtle changes.

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