Dad is completely selfish

by nita xerla
(Mumbai, India)

I am an only child aged 54 and have been looking after my 91 year old dad for past 10 years. My husband is very accommodating.

My problem is that my dad is very cranky, demanding, selfish, and ungrateful. I burn the candle at both ends, looking after my husband, my full time job as well as living with dad Monday to Friday nights, taking care of his housekeeping, medicines, hygiene and all other care single handedly.

I just cant make him happy. He is unhappy with all that is done and is constantly grumbling, criticizing and expecting more.
I have no social life and can't go anywhere. The stress is taking a toll on my health as well, as I am also growing old.

I do have a sense of loyalty to my dad for all that he has done for me, but my patience has also run dry. I get angry and depressed. I am quite fed up of the situation.

Dad is oblivious to my travails and only complaining about his health, his discomfort (what about mine ??), his food, his requirements, his everything. There is not one word of consideration or appreciation for the care givers sacrifices.
Its a completely thankless job !

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Caring for the Elderly
by: Anonymous

When I was growing up, every now and then, especially as I got older, my mom would tell my sister and me should she ever become ill in a way that we couldn't care for her, to place her in a nursing home. In her own words she said "don't bring me to your home"; very unselfish words!

She never had to take care of anyone at her home, but somehow she knew how hard that would be on us. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at age 67 and is now 79. Of course, we wanted to care for her at home, but she became belligerent and constantly wanted to run away early on in her sickness. We placed her in a nursing home.

Needless to say, the guilt of that decision was somewhat lessened because it's what she had instructed us to do, although still a painful decision for us all. Financially, my parents had taken steps to see that their later-in-life care would not be a burden to us although we would have stepped up to the plate anyway and they were not "well off" by any means. Daddy was a policeman and mom a homemaker.

Now, my father-in-law is ill and elderly and lives with my husband and I and I completely understand my mother's feelings about "don't bring me to your home"! But his illness is different. Our lives are on hold until he passes, but what do you do.

I have instructed my own children to do the same as my mother told me. Parents who tell their children not to place them in assisted living facilities need to think again about that demand.

Nursing homes and such generally are only as good as the families who watch out for their loved ones who are placed there. While we would all love to have the ability, strength and mental capacity to care for our loved ones at home, most often this is not possible.

Thank you
by: Nita Xerla

Thank you Anonymous, for your insightful comments.
It helps to know that others have also been there ... It also shows that people are pretty similar all over the world ..

They all are.
by: Anonymous

When parents get older, they become just like children again. That has been some comfort to me knowing that if they live long enough, they regress back to childhood behaviors.

My Dad is gone(passed in Feb., 2010) and Mom is in a nursing home because none of the three of us(girls) have the ability to take care of her.

She has diabetes and can not walk so we simply can not care for her. We did for years but she can only be in a health care facility now because they are the only ones that can lift her, change her, etc.

I believe they all get childish if that is any consolation. Do not take it too seriously. It is characteristic of that age group. We just have to keep on loving them until they pass.
Good luck.

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