Dad is 92 and has No-One Else but Me and My Partner

I feel a fraud because my dad doesn't have dementia, isn't in a wheelchair, and is relatively well. But he IS old, and very deaf, and has poor mobility, and is vulnerable to falls. He can't live alone, and had been neglecting the usual things like hygiene and nutrition, and was falling ill a lot. Two years ago my partner and I gave up our own home to move in with him and care for him - he did not want to move in with us and be in an unfamiliar environment, and I could see the logic of that.


I am glad I am caring for him and that he does not have to go into an old people's home, which he does not want - but I am just so tired! I work myself in the care industry, and when I come home after work, it just feels like I am still there. More cooking, more cleaning, more laundry, more patience needed to communicate, and the constant challenge of keeping my dad happy when he is increasingly irritable about his loss of independence.

His complaints cut me to the quick when I try so hard, but I know he can't help it, and I feel guilty when I get irritable back. My partner is very good and drives my dad everywhere,to the doctor, the dentist, the shops, to see friends.

But we don't have much quality time ourselves - we're crammed in a tiny spare room with all our possessions, and I daren't go out and leave my dad for long.

The last time he attempted to cook a meal for himself, he had a stroke! My brother does come and stay periodically to 'help,' but in reality it just means I just cook and clean for him as well when I get home from work!

The worst thing is dreaming of one day being free, and knowing that the only thing that can free me would be my dad's death.

I feel constantly, incredibly, guilty about that!

As it happens he is very far from dead, and is set to go on, and on, and on, neither improving or deteriorating, with my care. I feel trapped.

Comments for Dad is 92 and has No-One Else but Me and My Partner

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Tired of it All!!
by: Anonymous

Gave up my home to move in with my mother to help her out.She was 89 at the time. Three years of cooking, cleaning, laundry, changing linens, food shopping, shower assist, etc., I'm really over it.

Kitchen duty 3x a day,7 days a week, no breaks! Just old (92 now) with limited mobility.Our relationship was never a good one (she just never favored me) so my

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
freedom???
by: Anonymous

I could not have expressed what is happening to my husband and me any better. Our lives do feel like we will be permanently on hold as my 95 year old queen mother is enjoying the merits of being old.

Our feelings mean nothing to her. I am an only child and she needs to go into assisted living but will not even consider it. We sold our home hoping to move where WE want to only to find ourselves running the daily needs of her and her home.

If she does manage to out live us, I have to decide not to live in bitterness which is much much easier said than done.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks, I don't feel so alone now
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much, both of you, for your comments. I feel for you, especially as you have your own problems to contend with. It's not easy.

But as you say, you have to be grateful for the good things - like having supportive partners/husbands, relative good health - and continue as best you can. It HAS really helped to vent here: just to be allowed to say the un-sayable .. such a relief. Thank you for your kindness in responding.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

My husband and I are in a similar situation. My Mum and Dad finally moved near to me their only child at the beginning of last year. A few weeks later my Dad lost control of his car at the local supermarket. Thankfully no-one was injured and we are now his taxi service. By July my Mum's dementia had gotten so bad that she has moved into a local care home.

We spend most of every weekend helping Dad and visiting Mum.

Meanwhile my husband doing the caring, fetching and carrying in the week. We are his maid and butler. But what about us, well my husband suffered from an ocular melanoma cancer 5 years ago and due to the treatment is now blind in one eye.

His business partner took control of their business in a very underhand way and made a mess of things and so he lost his 21 year old business 2 years ago. So I am now the breadwinner.

We have plans, hopes and dreams that are on hold due to caring for my parents. We have an apartment in Spain we long to retire to but are lucky if we manage 4 weeks there a year.

And perhaps the most frustrating thing of all is when we try to do nice things for my father, even down to buying a different meal for a change we are always greeted with the same word NO!

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
attitude
by: Anonymous

I am living the same life as you with my 94 year old mother who does not appear to be going on to her final destination any time soon. I know the emotions that you are going through, particularly when you say that you will not be free until your father is gone.

My mother alienated her other 4 children so I am the only one to care for her. We have no emotional attachment and never did.

My husband and I just want our freedom to go on with our lives without continuing to be caretakers. We both turned 65 this year so our clock is ticking, too. My mother is very unappreciative, selfish, and disrespectful and doesn't have a clue how she has impacted our lives and wouldn't care anyway.

I try to remember that although I can't change the circumstances and this could go on for God knows how long, I can only change my attitude and know that this is out of my control.

I can be bitter and resentful but that is only going to hurt me. I know it is easier said than done, and I have more days of being angry and aggravated than accepting things as they are, but what other choice do you have?

If you can't change something, your only option left is to change how you handle it.

Good luck with things, I truly sympathize with you. Sometimes counting your blessings and being grateful for things in your life such as good health, etc. might help you get through this time that causes you to feel helpless and hopeless. Venting in places like this forum with others in your shoes is good, too.

There are tons of people going through this and not only caring for their elderly parent but also expected by our own adult children to be on board for babysitting and favors. Ugh, I feel so used up and taken advantage of! But I have to remember to choose to be happy and not let all of them take that away from me too!

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Caregiver Stress.


Home | Site Map | About | Contact | Privacy Policy | Disclosure

© Copyright evSky Incorporated 2008-2018 | All Rights Reserved


Eldercare for

Aging Parents

Are you having a difficult time with being the "Caregiver" for Mom and Dad?

Click Here to Read What Others are Saying and Leave a Comment About Your Own Experiences....

Or Start your Own Discussion Page!

Recent Articles

  1. I Want Out

    Oct 17, 18 03:21 PM

    I'm a 63 year old woman on SSDI. My whole life changed 8 years ago when my body decided 20 years of factory work was enough. I lost my home before I was

    Read More

  2. So Hard

    Oct 12, 18 02:19 PM

    My dad was begrudgingly my mom’s caregiver (she has MS). Then he got sick and needed care too. I have 2 sisters that live within a half mile of them, have

    Read More

  3. Yes, You Bet I'm Resentful

    Oct 08, 18 02:59 PM

    When we moved my 85 year old mother in with us almost a year ago it was because she was having problems taking care of her apt. She was having problems

    Read More