Dad Gone 10 Years

by Anonymous

All my life my Mom has had mental issues, depression, anxiety, OCDs, and hypochondriac, and narcissistic, it seems like she had multiple personalities too when I think back. She would lose it and was extremely abusive.

I grew up with the words " I am going to kill myself", said often. But, she never got help. There was always yelling and arguing in the House growing up.

Because of my moms mental state and behavior it affected all of us. Then at some point In My life I realized how dysfunctional it was. Yes, I have a Lot of resentment.

Dad will be gone 10 years now. He held our family together. He was the glue. He was the one we could talk too. He had a big dad is gone.

I live closest to mom and I am the primary caregiver. She is 92 now and hasn't changed. Still suffers from mental illness. We talked to doctors and got a prescription but she won’t take it.

She thinks she is normal and doesn’t need it. She is nasty and combative and narcissistic. But she can’t see herself. Yes, we are resentful of her never being there for us. We really don’t know her.

But we are trying to help her in her old age. Nothing we do is right or good enough. It’s always been that way. She hates old age and is angry. We still try to do our best with caring for her.

But we are at the point where she should go to assisted living. We have NO relationship with her, we never had, she didn’t try to develop a relationship with us. So now we are left caring for someone we don’t know.

For those people who haven't experienced this, they would never understand. All I can say is to those who had a a great mom or even a half great mom, I am happy for you. I didn’t have that.

The last 10 years has been very very stressful. If we decide to move mom to a home it’s a personal decision that is NOT wrong. To everyone:Try to spend time trying to consider or understand another persons perspective, or experiences before you make judgment.

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I'm so sorry
by: Anonymous

I completely support your decision if you put her in a home. I think it was very big of you to do what you've done so far. Good luck with everything.

We are in the same boat.
by: Mellowmuse

Thank goodness for this blog. I wish for you to find some peace and a way to step back from the emotions. Maybe by staying our frustrations and stories, we can see that others are in the same boat.

It sounds like you are describing my mother in law. She quit working in '63, and has major anxiety and MANY phobias. (We are thinking she might be un diagnosed autistic.) She and her son have had an "on and off" relationship.

She had been independent living 6 hours away from us, but 1 hour for other son for 2 years. The other son was available to her by phone, but only went to see her 4 times in 2 years.

She moved in with us 8 months ago when she and my husband reconciled. We all agreed to try it, and everyone was happy to be reconciled. 3-4 months ago I realized that she was very unhappy and deeply resented anything I tried to offer her.

She won't eat enough, never moves around and will not do anything social.She started going to my husband and telling him things she like...I'm too busy, I really don't like our dog, I'm too bossy...I shouldn't tell her what to eat or to walk more. She told him she thought I would be more of a buddy to her.

I honestly thought I was trying to encourage her...after all I am a retired teacher. I started backing off and trying not to do the things that annoyed her.

She is now in week 3 of hospital recovering from small bowel obstruction and two heart attacks and will go to skilled care nursing facility when better.

She will go to assisted living after that. Problem is that the one place appropriate/affordable for her has a 6 month waiting period.My husband has run himself ragged going to the hospital 2 times a day, talking to nurses, doctors, social workers, care facilities... She will probably come back to us.

On top of this, MY mother is staying with us temporarily while recovering with 8 staples in her head and possible brain bleed. She finally decided to go into assisted living. I am moving forward with this as quickly as possible.

Already found the place, but need to get her well, pack and give away stuff. Dear husband was already at breaking point, and this has taken him over the top.

We have no time for us, and have become 2 people with 2 different worlds. After a horrible fight, we both decided to go counseling. Problem is where do we fit that into our already packed schedule?

I understand
by: Anonymous

I don't know who judged you, but they were wrong to do so. Not every family is The Donna Reed Show. Mine wasn't either. My mom wasn't as bad as yours, but close. My brother died many years ago and I have to hear at least once a month (for many years now) that she wishes I had died instead of him. Yeah, nice, right?

Oddly enough, I have her living with me simply because the money she has (and I'm joint on that) will ensure my final years to be easier than they would be without it. Truly, that is the only reason I haven't put her in a home.

We were never close either. I used to have to go pick up my birthday card out of her screen door - generic card always with "Love Mom" written at the bottom. Year after year after year. What a joke.

Caring for her now is difficult because I feel no emotions for her. She is not abused in any way, shape or form. In fact, she's doing better than ever. I'm the one who is a wreck and on antidepressants now.

So you hold your head high and know in your heart that you are doing what is right for you. Just because the same blood runs through veins, it doesn't mean the same feelings run through minds and hearts.

I envy that you're putting her in assisted living and your burden will become less. Enjoy life now!!

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