Could be worse but Resentful Anyway!

by Mary
(santa rosa ca)

Having had my own medical issues for the last 16 months it has been extra hard to push through work and then do stuff for mom. Now that I am just starting to be able to eat more foods without so many problems. I am finding that I feel more angry and resentful each day about all the doctor appointments and everything.

Thankfully, my brother took the helm at the beginning of all this caregiving (he is also resentful and angry to have be the "chosen one").

At first doing mom's stuff didn't seem so bad but now sometimes it feels so intrusive to my own life ( I know I'm selfish and that's the way it is right now). We have other siblings that like to tell us we're doing things "wrong" and like to not be part of a "team" just going rogue and doing things for mom that are not helpful or doing nothing at all and one lives the same distance away.

Even though I feel that acceptance is the answer to my resentments I feel and watch myself struggling against accepting that this is my new life. My new life of "caregiving" is like leading two separate lives...her appointments and her dinner..her needs, my needs, my husband's needs.

It's all pretty overwhelming and yet when I see what other people are going through my situation outta feel like a "walk in the park". My brother and I are both self employed and some days I just have to accept that I will make no money for myself that day (brother goes through this too...) because mom has doctor appointments and other needs. I started logging my time today and what I do. I have heard that counties pay people to give care to their parents and would like to look into that, perhaps being paid for this second "job" will help ease my loss in pay.

I am now only helping mom shower once a week (we hired a wonderful caregiver for the other six days) but I was doing dinner and a shower and a game 3 days a week (not counting other days of appointments, etc. and days when went there 3 times in one day) and trying to work all while being sick myself. When stool incontinence started I just couldn't keep doing so much health care, I never intended to be a nurse...once a first aid teacher said I'm "more like the fast runner who should go call 911" than a nurse.

Thanks for listening/reading I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. I go to a caregiver support group once a month and am considering going to one on one counseling (wish my mom would pay for that!)I realize mom would rather not need our help but even knowing that doesn't help at the moment.

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Thanks Christine!
by: Anonymous

Thank you Christine for writing. Since I wrote that piece so many things have happened. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing my life now, really concentrate on being in the moment.

The sad thing is mom has to move again (that's 3 moves in 4 months). The first place would have worked out great if they had not raised the rent by 3 thousand dollars a month after our first 30 days. The second place is too big with walkie-talkie and numbering our parents. Three falls in 3 weeks is just unacceptable so my brother and I are moving mom again.

I did finally get to go kayaking (my personal happy place) and it was lovely!
Thank you again for taking the time to write. I wish more people would write, it would take the loneliness out of everything.
mary

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Help Yourself
by: Christine

Mom does need your help, but no one who doesn't have to care for another understands how much you need to care for yourself. Drop Mom's needs for a couple hours a week and care for you. It sounds like in your world, nobody gets help if you can't give it. Took me a long time, but I'm a better caregiver if I'm a better me. The bad times are still going to happen, but in the end you only have yourself. Be kind to U.

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