How is it that a 98 year old dying person is able to suck out every bit of life energy from me. I am 30 years younger. I completely and successfully manage and organize my life daily. But when I walk into that bedroom its like getting sucked into a negative vortex. She has no energy and yet hers manages to override mine.

She lays in that bed like an energy magnet. Try as I might, and I’ve been trying for 8 years, I just can’t find the strength to do this without being drained. The only way I am ever going to find relief is when she is gone.

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So relatable
by: Anonymous

I feel so validated reading your post and also others responses. I too care for my 97 year old mom w/my husbands help. This past year has been especially difficult.

We get zero help and very few arranged respite. I feel bitter and trapped. One sibling refuses to help and barely calls and the other is only slightly better. I don’t understand how my siblings think this is okay. Ive helped my parents significantly for 40 years and full time for 10. Enough is enough!

Don't feel guilty
by: Gina

If your mom is 98 years old and mostly doesn't know who you are, why wouldn't you get her into a nice senior facility near you where she will get good care and company and you and your husband can get on with your life?

Or take her to memory care on the weekends? Or have an overnight nurse tend to her at night? She will be fine and you will be much better and not bitter.

I completely understand
by: Joanne

Thank you Shay for putting all my feelings into words. I have been dreading the sound of my mother's walker signaling she has gotten up for the day.

As she says "I'm up I'm up" I silently curse my life. This is a hard time for many of us but your response to Conundrum has brightened this day at least.

I completely understand
by: Shay

Dearest Conundrum, I am sorry but reading your post made me laugh with relief as I completely understand!! Never heard it said like that but yes, yes, yes, I understand! Thank you!

My 88 year old Mother is withering away and taking me right along with her. She's a sweetheart, but caring for her is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever done and how is it that she zaps my energy from me?

She has Parkinson's and associated dementia and Alzheimer's and thinks I am her mother and thinks that caring for her is my job. I was married for one month (Husband is a saint) and my mom moved in with us, four years ago, so anything he and I do together has to be planned so I can get someone in here to watch her.

I do have an older brother who lives 250 miles away, but he does not want anything to do with caring for her. Only sees her twice a year for a couple of hours.

I must admit that a lot of mornings there is a big part of me that sees the sheets rise with her breath and is disappointed that her journey is not done and this chapter in my life continues on. I'm not a selfish person, but not wanting to care for her anymore makes me feel selfish and drained.

Caring for her has not only interfered with my relationship with my husband, but my daughter, grand, bonus children, friends and my employment. I cannot be as good to them as I would like because she absolutely drains me. Another disappointment in my book.

I do have a private caregiver come in from noon to 5:00 PM, Monday through Friday, who is a Godsend to me.

I think part of the burden that we boomer caregivers feel is that we are not prepared for this role, no training, no mental preparedness, no plan of action, no discussions with our friends or anyone on this, etc.

This experience has taught me that I do NOT want my daughter caring for me, if I make it down that path. No way do I want to be make myself a burden.

take it easy
by: Greenacres

I just lost my sister in law to a heart attack! A body can only stress out so much. She gave her last 6 years to mom and pops.

The family treated her badly, except me and her older brother (Granny's favorite). I think they were only worried about the estate she left behind and now MY husband has to be executor and really don't want that stress on him.

But he can handle himself real well when dealing with a holes. My point is try not to kill yourself taking of your dear mom. Do something for you. I know that is cliche' and very hard when you are depressed.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Now you got me worried about you! Sending love to heal yourself inside.

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