Confused?

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Confused?

by Heidi
(Wisconsin)

My siblings convinced my mother to go to an independent living facility without my, the nurse in the families, input. Although they left all the moving work to me, a single mom of three at the time.

Quickly, she declined in all areas, health, social and payed large monthly fee. She never once ate in the dining room, nor attended one social gathering on her own. Needless to say, she called me one day to come over and asked me to buy a home that she picked out, so she could live with me. I agreed but, she had to co-sign with no monies being given. She now has been with me going on 3 years. Her health is great!!

I never get an ounce of help from any of my 3 siblings, the 2 out of town siblings visit maybe 3 times a year usually 4 hours maximum, and the only holiday is Christmas eve. Although prior to her moving in they quickly activated the power of attorney of financial, giving all control to my sister. I do not care. The first year she contributed $1,000 a month to me for everything.

I guess I did not realize the costs of the larger home to accommodate her and all the additional costs too, electric, heat, food, taking her to her appointments, shopping or just out. Using vacation pay for her appointments. So, the second year my mom agreed to $2,000 for expenses. Which they all had a fit about...So, they no longer speak to me, because I am robbing my mom. In fact my one sister left me a phone message stating "this is your sister, I am so proud of you .. getting more money from mom! daddy must be turning over in his grave about now"... I feel awful.. Daddy made me promise to take care of mom, just as I did home hospice for him and he saw how little they did.

I really can't take much more of their selfish closed eyed comments. They have no clue, mom is 88, walks with a walker, poor short term memory, I do her medications, bathe, cook, give pedicures, curl her hair, take her to all her appointments, grocery shopping which she loves, for some odd reason, she likes to buy her sweets and special stuff.

We haven't had a vacation in 5 years.. My husband and step daughter treat her like gold.. But, I am so ready to quit and say okay, you all think you can do better. But I know that would land her in a nursing home.. Please send me something that can make them all understand...

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Confused?

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I am So Sorry
by: Heidi

I am so sorry to hear about your husband and father. Life can be so unfair sometimes. When all is over may you find a happy ending to all of it.

As a nurse I see this type of thing happen all the time. A couple waits to retire to travel and do all the things they wanted to do and shortly after retirement one gets sick and passes.

I will pray for you to have the strength and enjoy the upcoming years for we both know that is what your husband and dad would want for you.. God Bless....

As for me, no family members have called my mother or I, since all that has occurred. Go figure....I will keep you updated.... Heidi

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You Need to Wake Up
by: Anonymous

Heidi, you are doing the right thing by turning it over to the sister with the Power Of Attorney. I know it hurts like hell but when all is said and done you will be able to look back with clearer vision and see that you made the right decision.

I guess I have more passion about making people understand that they need to take care of themselves first (and that is NOT selfish). I put off doing things with my husband because I thought I had plenty of time for him after my father passed. God did not see it that way. I lost my husband last February and believe me when I tell you that it is the hardest, toughest road you will ever travel. Losing you spouse is losing yourself and you start from the ground up remaking your life.

My father is now on Hospice and when I am done I will be alone and my biggest regret is that I did not make more time for my husband. I have learned that life does not happen the way you plan - boy was that an eyeopener.

Good luck to you and I will continue looking for your post and I hope you get the time with your own family that you need.

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Thank You
by: Heidi

Thanks so much for sharing. I am aware of all that is at risk including my health and my relationship with my husband. Unfortunately, my mother is not one to turn it all over to me. And personally I do not want it.

I do know that they will never step up to the plate, and that can not be changed. So, last night my husband and I had a long talk and shed many tears. But, we came to the conclusion that it was time for us to protect ourselves and relieve us of this torment. So, my husband tried to call my brother, unfortunately after not talking for many years not one of the phone numbers I had were current.

After finally making a call I got his new number and my husband left a message requesting him to call asap, after waiting about an hour, I decided to call my sister, the Power Of Attorney who lives just 10 minutes away. I was crying of course, and said after our last encounter, I am letting you all win, I have come to realize without help, family and support,or at least peace, I can no longer continue, and as you being the Power Of Attorney, I am told that it is up to you, to find proper placement for our mother, because I cannot ask my husband to tolerate anymore of this hatred. She said okay, bye.

I too sat my mother down this morning and explained everything to her, she too admitted anger about the whole thing, and yelled "I do not want to leave, I love it here. Doesn't anyone care what I want!!" I told her I could not be her voice nor the punching bag. And my sister was told to look into nursing homes.

My brother finally returned my husbands call about 11:00 the next day. he did not speak to him because he was working. But, I did tell my mother that if anything did change she would have to pay someone to take her shopping one time a month and that my husband and I would be taking a week to ten day vacation once a year and she too would have to pay for someone to stay with her.

So, here I will sit for a tad, and see. I will let you know the outcome. Thanks Again...It's just nice to be heard..

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You Need to Wake Up
by: Anonymous

Heidi I have been where you are. But my parent gave me the Power Of Attorney knowing the others would not step up to the plate. That was my advantage. But, I spent many years resentful and angry because they would not help (not even visit which he needed more than anything from them) and any conversation I tried to have with them was useless.

It was always put back on me as being my fault. I finally realized that it did not involve me at all. It was their problem and they would have to deal with the guilt when our parent is gone (which is not too far off as he is now in hospice).

What I am saying is don't wait for them to come around - most likely it will never ever happen. But if you are the one doing all the work then you need to insist to you parent to put you in charge. If they refuse then you really need to get out because it will consume your life and greatly affect your health in the end.

You will not realize the price you will pay until it is too late for you. I understand loving your parent more than anything but you really have to look out for yourself - you may not survive yourself if you don't. Good luck and I hope to see you writing improvements with your situation real soon on this site.

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Thank you
by: heidi

Thank you, you are correct in many ways, trusts are often written this way. And as I said before, it's not about the money. Personally I think my mother needs to speak up! but unfortunately, she is afraid for fear of loosing them and has enough intelligence to play the forgetful card, to avoid such conversations. Like, "leave well enough alone".

I guess I am looking for someone to spell out to my siblings, the time, patience, monies and commitments I am strapped too. So, they can change their "you wanted this attitude's" And explain how any human being can feel good about themselves when they do not step up to the plate, that holds their mother. Thanks again

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You Need to Wake Up
by: Anonymous

First of all, whoever has the Power Of Attorney should be the one taking care of your Mother. That is what have Power Of Attorney means.

If they don't want responsibility for her then you need to insist that they turn everything over to you. I have never understood how one person has financial control but yet another does all the work with a lot of stuff at their own expense.

You need an attorney AND talk to your Mother. She Can Revoke the Power Of Attorney and Give It To You. You are letting yourself be taken advantage of. I know, it's because you love her and don't want her in a nursing home but you can turn this around.

Do it quickly and don't take anything off of your siblings. They are going to be that way no matter what you do so take control.

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