Concerns about Caretakers Manipilating an Elderly Person in their Own Home

by Melinda Lee

Okay My father is 86 years old he has some what his mind still. He pays his bills on time, he knows how to write checks. First of all I am a caregiver to my mom that has dementia. I love her and don't resent it at all. It is a 24 hour a day job.

Well, my father usually does not ask me if we need any money for her care but every once in a while. Okay, before all this happened, me and my husband was paying visiting angels to come in every day to care for mom so she could live with dad. Here is the resentment I have.

My Dad is a very controlling person and it is his way or the highway. Well, if my dad decided he did not like somebody he would lock them out of the house and of course they would call me and say your dad has locked us out could you please tell him to let us in. Remember, my mom is also living there and who needs the care.

Well, this went on for weeks until I got so tired of this I told Dad if your not going to let people in to care for mom then she is going to live with me. Well guess what, I got in my care and drove two hours and got mama so I knew she would be taken care of. My Dad is not in the best of health so I arranged for heartland to check on dad... He was not eating and it was failure to thrive. So, they got involved and are still checking on my Dad.

Well, my concern is there is a lady who was discharged from Heartland and my Dad was for some reason very fond of her out of many caretakers. Well, she tells my father "I don't have a job" and my Dad justified this by paying her $15 dollars an hour to be his housekeeper. You have not heard the best part yet...... the best part yet now is my husband has been laid off and my Dad is giving him money to do things around the house. I feel like Dad is being taken advantage of this way.

But my problem is he is letting them do it!! I don't know if they are intimidating him or threatening him, I have no idea. He is a cash cow because this woman goes into the bank with my father while he has all of his check cashed!! I don't know what to do because I am on great relationship terms with my Dad. I have a brother but he and my father don't get along very good so my father has basically isolated everybody but me.

He loves me and talks to me even about things going on in the house. My resentment is people thinking my father owes them a living!!!

P.S There is so much more to this story!!

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Watch out!
by: Anonymous

Yes, you would do well not to trust the home health aides, PERIOD. The individual aides and the vulturous home health aide agencies that they work for can be quite unscrupulous and opportunistic. They zone in on vulnerable, elderly and wealthy people.

Nightmare stories abound about these people stealing right under the noses of their charges. I am watching in horror as my own elderly demented parents get lulled into letting these caretakers get way too close and familiar with their private affairs. One of them befriended my alcoholic sister and "tripped" and then sued my father.

Many knowingly do things that are against the policies (like giving and getting gifts from my parents) and calling on off hours. These are warning signs. My parents need the help, of course, since they refuse to go into a facility, and they are spending thousands each week on care that is of questionable quality, to put it nicely. (Many times when I go to look in on things I find things like mouse droppings all over the kitchen, garbage piling up, pills all over the place, and general disorganization.)

It is really infuriating to watch my parents burn through their resources and have to worry at the same time about what these "caretakers" are doing or what they may be scheming when I'm not there.

Look Homeward...English Teacher?

I was reading the comments with interest, and as in all exchange of ideas there ALWAYS has to be a know it all that critiques the messenger, instead of the message.I have practiced Law for 33 years and graduated from Harvard Law.

I have received emails from women and men that attended SOME OF THE BEST SCHOOLS IN THE U.S., replete with DIFFERENT types of errors. This can be explained by people being in a hurry, to phonetic spelling while typing. I would imagine this lady has plenty to do caring for her mother, 24/7 and in all likelihood her family as well. GOD BLESS HER!My point is this...are you a English teacher or a person with an elder problem?

It was probably all this poor woman could do, to hammer out this entry between caring for her Mom and paying the bills. "Walk a mile in someone's shoes before criticizing them"

by: Anonymous

It really annoys me how quick people are to judge someone by a few misspelled words. Could this person have typed this message during a moment of complete and utter frustration? Come on & give people a break & don't judge. This is a public discussion & members are looking for help.

I don't think this person meant that her husband was laid off but the "caretaker's" husband was laid off. The sad part is that if the man is so fond for this woman, it will be difficult to get her away. If he still has his mind as much as you believe, the only way to keep her out is to gain guardianship & place him in an assisted living facility.

There are legal ramifications you could consider, but then again you appear to be the only one he keeps in contact with besides the "housekeeper." The only other idea I have is to go through another company similar to Visiting Angels, and meet with a few of the caretakers they employ. I would keep Heartland as long as possible to continue his medical care.

You Need Help
by: Anonymous

I don't mean to be difficult, but your spelling and grammar make me question your education, therefore your perspective. With parents as you have, you may very well be in need of public assistance.

Please don't try to do all of this on your own; it's just too much. Ask for guidance. No one needs this much stress. Please take good care.

I Understand your Concern
by: Anonymous

I can understand your concern. When older people are isolated, it is easy for unscrupulous caregivers to manipulate them and take advantage of them.

A red flag is the fact that the person goes to the bank with your father when he cashes his check. Have you contacted the agency? Is check cashing accompaniment one of their services? Good luck.

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