Caring for Mom

I have cared for my mother in her home for over 8 years. I work full time. I am a single man, not married. My sibling lives next door, his family lives relatively close. I was reluctant to get outside help, not wanting an outsider to be in the home. My mother was recently hospitalized and now is in a rehab facility. I believe my family wishes that she remain there. I would like her to return home with in home care.


My family is criticizing me for not including them and other issues. I believed I was doing my best.

I feel angry, resentful, alone, fearful.

Thank you.

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Follow your heart
by: Anonymous

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your mother and that on some level taking care of her, though hard, is either some thing you feel called to do or that on some level gives you joy.

Hold true to that.

Perhaps the very fact that you have a level of happiness taking care of your mother makes your siblings feel guilty. Who knows. But I would encourage you to keep communicating with your siblings and helping them see that having Mom in your home is a blessing, not a curse and that you'd like to continue in that role.

Hold your course and give it your all. Then if you don't get Mom back you know you did your best and you will have to mourn the loss of her presence in your home. Good luck and God bless!

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Relate to You
by: Anonymous

I totally relate to your situation. I am trying to support my 90 year old mother to stay in her own home until she dies. She is frail and getting weaker but is still living alone (I live close by).

My sibling lives about 2-3 hrs away and doesn't help at all. If my mother declines to the point of needing more care, I doubt that my sister would agree for her to stay in her house with at-home care. She would opt for a facility like her husband's family did with her father in law. He had 4 children but they put him away in a facility when he needed more help.

My sister has a busy professional career and children and enjoys traveling with her husband so she has not wanted to be burdened with elder care. I am single and never married so I am the one who has been doing everything. I battle resentment and anger at my sister but do not say anything in order to keep the peace. I haven't had a vacation in 5 years.

Perhaps you can tell your sibling that it is up to your mother where she wants to go and not up to the family "vote". I have heard about family meetings and votes but ultimately if the parent is in her own mind and can afford at-home care then it is up to her where she wants to live. I went to an elder law specialist for a consultation regarding my options with that.

I was not sure if my sibling would support my parent to live at home so I wanted to find out what options I would have to be able to seek reimbursement from the will for extra-ordinary expenses should I try to help her at home. I wish you a lot of luck and would love to hear how you are making out.

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Caring for Mom - PS
by: Anonymous

PS
I live with mom in her home - I'm single too! I have a good life, a great mom - she is willing the house to me. Complicated but it's working.

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Caring for Mom - Reply
by: Anonymous

Hi,
you wrote
My family is criticizing me for not including them and other issues. I believed I was doing my best.

Do you mean you already decided to bring mom back to her home & your siblings are upset with that. They wanted to vote on it? I have 2 siblings. One out of state and he goes along with everything, the other is here with me and we text back & forth so we're on the same page. We aren't always but we try to compromise. Hope that helps. Our mom is in rehab too - 8 weeks. It's been an eye opener!
Sandi

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