Caretaking Sister of Parents Shuts out Siblings
by At a Total Loss
I have been reading articles written by angry caretakers who receive no help from their siblings. But in my situation, that is kind of unusual. I'll try to make it brief.
My parents, father (80), mother (77) have recently sold their home and for some reason moved north to find a new house to buy so they can live closer to my sister, who is the youngest of 6 kids. Just the idea that my elderly parents are looking for a new home to buy is insane. We all tried to convince them to rent an apartment or buy a condo since they are too old to be buying a new home. But they don't listen to us and want to do what they want to do.(Trust me, there is no getting through to them!!)
They sold their home for close to a half a million dollars so they have money, including their savings. They're far from "hurting." The plan was for them to move near my sister, find a temporary apartment to live in while they searched for their new home. Well, what they did was they moved in with my sister and her husband and three kids, who thought this was only temporary, but that was almost two months ago and my parents aren't leaving.
Before this, I told my sister to set boundaries with my parents and insist they can stay there no more than a week or two, enough time to find an apartment, but they can't live there. My sister assured me there was "no way" my parents were going to live with her and her husband. Well, they are now. My parents got real comfortable living with my sister. The free room and board, free maid service (my sister does all the cleaning and cooking) and time with the grand kids. They do look for a new house, but everyone they find my father will make a list of "why we shouldn't buy this house" -- and they don't. My parents are running a pretty good racket with my sister.
Me and my three brothers have tried to talk with my sister about how to get them out of there, but my sister kept insisting, "it's not that bad" and "now it's her turn to help mom and dad since they took care of us as kids." So, we stopped trying. Unbeknown to us, this obviously caused some sort of anger and resentment in my sister and her husband. To the point of her emailing myself and my brothers telling us we
"hate" mom and dad and "never bother to call to check up on them," nor call to "check up on me and my family" (which I've phoned and emailed countless times...one day I tried to call three times to let her know a mutual friend of ours had passed away. When I never got a call back, I emailed to let her know, which I hated putting news like that in an email!), and she told me and my brothers that she's "done" with us and told us not to contact her ever again!
Of course this devastated me.(My sister and I have always been best friends. We always used to say, "we're best friends who happen to be sisters). I have no idea where her sudden anger came from, and could only guess that it wasn't working out with my parents living there, or the guilt they were laying on her was getting too much, or her marriage is at stake...or all of the above. I have no idea, she's cut us all out and won't speak to any of us.
My brothers were gobsmacked by her email and phoned me to ask what was going on? I told them I don't know, that I was surprised as they were that she would send such an angry email. And we all wish our sister would phone us to tell us what she needs instead of cutting us out of her life. I even tried to email her husband and got no response back from him. And my parents won't phone any of us.
So, my parents -- selfish as they are -- have succeeded in not only turning my sister's beautiful home into their own personal senior living facility (again, they can afford to live quite comfortably for the rest of their lives, have excellent health insurance AND are in very good health), they have managed to cause complete separation, confusion and alienation between all their children.
I just wanted to put my story out there, and was wondering if there is anyone out there who has gone through this sort of situation? I miss my sister terribly and want to help, but she won't have anything to do with me. Can anyone at least let me know what she might be going through or thinking? If you did something like this to your sibling while helping your parents, can you please let me know if there was a happy ending? I just don't know what to do. I'm here for my sister. I just wish she knew that.