Caretaking Sister of Parents Shuts out Siblings

by At a Total Loss
(CA)

I have been reading articles written by angry caretakers who receive no help from their siblings. But in my situation, that is kind of unusual. I'll try to make it brief.

My parents, father (80), mother (77) have recently sold their home and for some reason moved north to find a new house to buy so they can live closer to my sister, who is the youngest of 6 kids. Just the idea that my elderly parents are looking for a new home to buy is insane. We all tried to convince them to rent an apartment or buy a condo since they are too old to be buying a new home. But they don't listen to us and want to do what they want to do.(Trust me, there is no getting through to them!!)

They sold their home for close to a half a million dollars so they have money, including their savings. They're far from "hurting." The plan was for them to move near my sister, find a temporary apartment to live in while they searched for their new home. Well, what they did was they moved in with my sister and her husband and three kids, who thought this was only temporary, but that was almost two months ago and my parents aren't leaving.

Before this, I told my sister to set boundaries with my parents and insist they can stay there no more than a week or two, enough time to find an apartment, but they can't live there. My sister assured me there was "no way" my parents were going to live with her and her husband. Well, they are now. My parents got real comfortable living with my sister. The free room and board, free maid service (my sister does all the cleaning and cooking) and time with the grand kids. They do look for a new house, but everyone they find my father will make a list of "why we shouldn't buy this house" -- and they don't. My parents are running a pretty good racket with my sister.

Me and my three brothers have tried to talk with my sister about how to get them out of there, but my sister kept insisting, "it's not that bad" and "now it's her turn to help mom and dad since they took care of us as kids." So, we stopped trying. Unbeknown to us, this obviously caused some sort of anger and resentment in my sister and her husband. To the point of her emailing myself and my brothers telling us we "hate" mom and dad and "never bother to call to check up on them," nor call to "check up on me and my family" (which I've phoned and emailed countless times...one day I tried to call three times to let her know a mutual friend of ours had passed away. When I never got a call back, I emailed to let her know, which I hated putting news like that in an email!), and she told me and my brothers that she's "done" with us and told us not to contact her ever again!

Of course this devastated me.(My sister and I have always been best friends. We always used to say, "we're best friends who happen to be sisters). I have no idea where her sudden anger came from, and could only guess that it wasn't working out with my parents living there, or the guilt they were laying on her was getting too much, or her marriage is at stake...or all of the above. I have no idea, she's cut us all out and won't speak to any of us.

My brothers were gobsmacked by her email and phoned me to ask what was going on? I told them I don't know, that I was surprised as they were that she would send such an angry email. And we all wish our sister would phone us to tell us what she needs instead of cutting us out of her life. I even tried to email her husband and got no response back from him. And my parents won't phone any of us.

So, my parents -- selfish as they are -- have succeeded in not only turning my sister's beautiful home into their own personal senior living facility (again, they can afford to live quite comfortably for the rest of their lives, have excellent health insurance AND are in very good health), they have managed to cause complete separation, confusion and alienation between all their children.

I just wanted to put my story out there, and was wondering if there is anyone out there who has gone through this sort of situation? I miss my sister terribly and want to help, but she won't have anything to do with me. Can anyone at least let me know what she might be going through or thinking? If you did something like this to your sibling while helping your parents, can you please let me know if there was a happy ending? I just don't know what to do. I'm here for my sister. I just wish she knew that.

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It's all About the Money.
by: Suzan

When my mother left the nursing home at the end of May my sister and I agreed she would take turns staying with each of us for one month. My mom had been with her one week when I received a call saying she was not going to stay with me, ever.

My sister and her husband took mom to see a attorney and had the power of attorney changed so that my sister has control of everything. My moms car was sold, everything of value has been removed from my mothers home, her bank was closed. Her insurance policies have been cashed in, including the one in my name. My sister filed a false insurance claim on moms house to get extra money.

I am not allowed to talk or visit with my mother. My mother has called my son crying and saying she was afraid, if she doesn't do what my sister says she gets in trouble. My son sent the police to check on her yesterday but she told the police that she was fine, she was being treated good, and he needed to stop calling her because it made his aunt mad. He was told today that he is not allowed to call or see his grandmother again. My sister did tell him she is going to sell moms house next.

This is about money, my sister and her husband have taken over 26,000.00 from my mother in the last 4 months. One of moms doctors said she was bipolar about a year ago so that could be part of the reason she is acting like this. My sister also got rid of the doctors that were treating mom.

We recently found out that mom had fallen while in my sisters care and she will never walk again. Our family wasn't even notified. I have leukemia and the stress I'm going through is unreal. I don't know what to do, help, please.

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be a strong and sincere support
by: Anonymous

Your sister obviously chose to take on the responsibilities of mom and dad. Initially she may have been okay with the responsibilities however as time goes on it's the guilt which keeps her from getting them back out on their own.

She may appear okay but probably is not. I guarantee they are driving her bonkers with their neediness so drop in every now and then...don't ask what she needs JUST KNOW SHE DOES. visit often and help with some of the burden.

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Caretaking Sister Shut Out by Siblings
by: Anonymous

My situation is similar except after my father's death, I stayed with mom. After a month, I discovered they were discussing her selling the house without input from her or me. Then all contact with me ceased, they wanted me out of the house and away from mom and wouldn't tell me why.

Still in the middle of this mess which has become very complicated. Bottom line, I took care of bedridden father for 9 months and after moving in with mom for 8 months prior to his coming home from nursing home. So, took care for year and a half and still here which is fine.

They helped as much as they could so there's no problem there and no reason for them to feel guilty (in my opinion) but for some reason I have been shunned and given no explanation why. Very hurt and alone.

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