Caregiver to Partner's Mother and Dealing with Siblings

I have assumed the responsibility of caring for my boyfriend's (22 year partnership and living together) 94 year old mother. She has afib and congestive heart failure. Within the past year and a half, she fell, had a hip replacement, stay in rehab followed by another week in hospital for fluids in her lungs and trying to find the right medications to address her problems.


She is a trooper and has rallied each and every time. Most recently, her retina has become detached in one eye and has a disease in the other.

My partner has two sisters.

One used to live nearby but only visited once every month for less than 15 minutes. She re-entered our lives after a 30 year vacancy when her husband died and never once called her mother. Recently, she called on Christmas Eve to tell her mother she was on the road moving to Colorado.

The other, who stayed away for nearly 18 years, re-activated her "love" for her mother after her fall. She lives 3,000 miles away in California. Lots and lots of micro-managing by her insisting that we are not taking care of her mother's needs and taking all her money! P.S. she has no money.

All three of us combine our income (mother and I are both on social security and I have been unable to get a
part-time job because of caring for the mother 24/7) and use it for living expenses.

We rent and maintain our property, utilities, food, added expenses of doctor visits and medications... nothing is left at the end of the month. Had a blowout telephone fight with daughter from California who thinks her mother should have surgery for her eye... doctors said it could be done but not advisable at her age and condition and no guarantees.

The ultimate decision was left to the mother who chose not to have it. Mother can't use telephone and I always facilitate calls to her daughter unless she calls and wants face time but mother can't see or hear her.

She has visited her mother for 7 days in 10 years and now is saying that we are mean and uncaring. She is threatening Elderly Abuse claim (second one she tried...absolutely frivolous) I could go on and on. We live in a 3BR 2BA house.

Mother has her own room and all her "things" with her own bathroom and freedom to do whatever she wants anytime. Daughter has no idea what I do for her mother every day and all the effort getting her to and from doctors and picking up her medications and disbursing them, cooking her meals, etc. etc. Every day.

I think it's guilt and jealousy. What are your thoughts?

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my thoughts
by: Greenacres

You sound like a most wonderful person. DO NOT listen to those siblings, they don't deserve an ounce of your sympathy. My sister is doing the same to me. I like to call it blackmail, because that's what it is . Good luck to you and yours.

It's probably the money that they are most concerned with and you have your life together and they don't. JEALOUSY! If it is guilt, don't let them lay it on you. You are doing the right thing, so don't second guess yourself.

It really can be a beautiful thing when you give to others and THEY are missing out on something very special, the circle of life and the power of love.

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