Caregiver to 86 Year Old Mom...

by Fran
(Florida)

Mom moved in with me and my husband about a year and a 1/2 ago she takes care of her bathing, dressing herself and feeding herself and doesn't complain, is pretty easy going and gets along w/my husband...so why am I complaining?????


I quit my job so I can take care of her so she won't be home alone. She uses a walker to get around as she has a balance problem. I make all meals, do all cleaning and errands. The last couple of weeks, I've been feeling depressed, lonely, no energy, bored any suggestions for me I feel like I lost my freedom....help.

Oh...I forgot to mention that my sister and husband moved down so she would be able to help me...well that hasn't happened, she only does anything until I ask, even though I say that I'm feeling burnt out and stressed, she never will say how can I help. It's all on my shoulders!

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Thank You
by: Fran from NE Floridda

Thank you all for your words of wisdom...First of all I've tried telling my sister how "I Feel", it doesn't seem to matter to her. She's 62 and very childlike...never really had a good relationship w/her, she was always jealous of me (I'm the younger sister...57).

I had the kids, house, etc. I worked for it all...Anyway, I'm at the point where I don't want to talk to her or see her, totally disgusted w/her & her husband!!!!

My mother wanted everything in place financially because we both know they will have their hand out when she passes...they will get a big surprise when they find out almost all is left to me....My husband swears that they moved down to be near $$$ not to help!!

I'm working on wrapping my mind around I will be the only one taking care of mom, however it does irritate me that mom doesn't tell her "why don't you help your sister (me)) or is so happy to see her when she doesn't agree w/the things she does and doesn't do...I guess because she is her other child regardless of how she acts, but, imagine how I must feels...dissed, therefore, I get irritated w/mom too, try not to but....oh, well thanks for letting me vent...

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My Mom has to Move out!!!
by: Anonymous

Mom moved in with me and my husband 2 months ago she is 86. I can`t breathe!!!!!

She has been no trouble but she is in my face 24/7....She can do for herself so why is she living with us?

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Trapped
by: Anonymous

We get trapped in these homes with our mothers! It's been years and years since we lived with them, and at that time we were children. There's a reason why children leave home.

I moved back into my mom's house, I have a home business, and getting out once or twice a week to visit a friend is just not enough. I always think it's better to move the mom into our homes, but as I read other entries, it seems the same problems exist as us moving into their homes.

When you quit your job, you lost your independence, your identity, your motivation, your social life, your energy source, it was a big part of your life. Now your life has become your mother. And it's just not enough for any of us.

Is your mom open to going to a Senior Center for a day? Get that sister on-board.

I get up in the dark, early in the morning just to have one hour alone. After a while, it's just too much closeness. Maybe it would be like this living with anyone 24/7. Everyone needs space.
I find that I have to get out of town over long week-ends just to find that space.

I understand your frustration. I hope you can find an outlet. Don't stop searching for something that can give you some relief. We have to do this for our sanity.

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It's not Easy
by: Debby from Fla

I understand what you are going through because I too have my Mother(86)living with us now for 4 years since my Dad died. I am an only living child. Thank God my oldest son who is not married, will take her a few times a year to give my husband and I some get away time.

My suggestion to you is telling your sister exactly how you feel. I wouldn't sugar coat anything. When your Mom does pass, I'm sure your sister will want to know if your Mom left anything behind that needs to be divided between you and her. Isn't that the way families usually behave? She needs to be more understanding of your feelings and pitch in and help you. Find someone to talk to as well. It sure helps to talk with someone who can truly understand your situation. I also find that laughter is the best medicine. I laugh a lot and always tried to remember that someday when our Moms have passed we will miss them tremendously, even the times when we are frustrated will come back as a memory to us and hopefully will put a smile on our face.

So make precious memories with your Mom. You will be rewarded for all your kindness. I truly believe that we are special people who give of ourselves to care for others. Take care and good luck. If we lived closer in Fla. we could put our Moms together and they could keep each other company.....Hey it's a thought.

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A Suggestion
by: mary in ca

I hear you, care taking can be lonely especially if you're a people person. Here is a suggestion to take or leave: pick a good time to be alone with your sister and let her know again that you feel burnt out, etc. (stay away from any blame towards your sister-hard to do, I know-stick to "I feel"). Follow up with 'here is a list of things that would really help out, what do you see that you are willing to do and offer her time to think about it.

What's the worst that can happen, you already sound well on your way to a resentment of sister's freedom anyway. Perhaps she will say she will not or lots of excuses 'why not' just let her own words hang in the air and go about your day (don't take the bait).

Perhaps in time her own words will get her to see beyond herself but this won't happen if you get into a fight and point fingers. From what I've experienced so far the whole care giving thing is one long process. Good luck,let us know what happens.
Mary in CA

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